another post too ^^

It is worth it.

It is.


It's delayed gratification.
It's the harvest.
It's the put-in-time-even-though-you-can't-see-results.

People. People are worth it. 

a little thought about impersonal prayer

I've always had problems with this.

If I don't know the person I am praying for specifically, I'm a little less heart-felt.
It's like praying for an entire country, or for world peace. Nice, but not very... eh, helpful? Or maybe that's not the right word, because who knows, maybe God would hear that prayer and deliver on world peace just like that. It's just not eh, practical to expect. (Here, I can already hear someone telling me that I need to have more faith and faith can literally move mountains. Yes. I know. But it's still hard to honestly believe world peace would happen after my prayer tonight.)

Or when a friend asks you to pray for a friend's friend who is sick. Or something. Two degrees of separation is probably the hardest for me. Praying for a friend, of course. Praying for a friend's friend, yes, because I can see how that person I don't know is affecting my friend. But going beyond that, it becomes more like a prayer list where I just repeat almost word-for-word what you told me about your friend's friend in a prayer.

Honestly, it's harder to care.
One person is a mourned death. Ten thousand is a statistic. 

Maybe it's because I'm feeling more cynical these days, I dunno.  

But I dunno. It's not about effectiveness, is it? We aren't praying to see results. (Vending-machine-God comes to mind.) We pray more to communicate with God. Because we're a body.
I guess half the struggle is because praying for someone/something usually lies solely in the "asking" part of prayer. Not the praising, or other prayer aspects. 


I guess it is like faith. Trusting in things unseen.
Which is hard, because it's always easier or nicer to see the direct impact of things.

Do you pray for things in your past? For the church that you left, for the people you don't see anymore, or the people who have passed out of your life? Even for organizations where everyone you've known has left?
And how often? Whenever they come into mind? Daily? Once a week?

Duty is a strange thing.
Is it a duty to pray for people? A responsibility?
Love is, I think. Love your neighbors, is a command. You should. You ought to. What then, is prayer also?
I pray for you daily, says Paul.
Is this, too, a command?

I guess it wasn't such a little thought after all.

---

Maybe the flaw in the conception of this post is that prayer should arise naturally, like loving someone. It's not about the logistical aspects or who and when and where and how often. But that you desire to pray for someone.
But can you blame me for thinking about how it happens practically in daily life? Amorphous abstract pretty phrases are well and good and we never want to be limited by logic. But.. *shrug. Sometimes the knowledge of who when where and how often helps.

Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder if I could just sit down with someone and talk to them over a cup of tea, or three cups and a scone, slowly. Slowly, like we would savor our words and spend them wisely. Not talking about the weather and oh-how-was-your-day, but something that resonates and something so deep that we must take a moment and sip our tea so we can ponder it a little longer, and then another moment that makes us laugh until our cheeks hurt. But instead, we smile and nod at each other in the hallways. I'll remember your high school name, but forget your sister's name. You'll remember the odd collection of knick-knacks that I collect, but forget if I was allergic to milk. Because, you know, it's not like our circles of friends overlap. And we'll run into each other and exchange pleasantries, hello-how-are-you, are-you-well, and then leave amiably. Leaving the things that could be said unsaid.

 I wonder if I have passed by so many people that I could have loved if only I had taken the time to sit down with them over a cup of tea. 

 ---

There was a quote I liked:  “Spend your money on the things money can buy. Spend your time on the things money can’t buy.”

 

Game Night

Had a game night with other MS1s.

CCF has ruined me. I play way too intense. Everyone else was super chill.... whoops.

D:

Testing, testing:

Password: My Myer Briggs

Cardiology

Sorta kinda starting cardiology stuff recently.
I love this stuff.
Heart rhythms are fascinating. It's like a mix of science and art. Where you just close your eyes and strain to hear the beat like the drummer keeping the rhythm to a song. Steady, thrumming through your entire body. It's like playing the violin where your fingers have to find the right position. Shift half an inch and you're off by a whole step and a half. Press your fingers against her pulse, let your hand curve around the ribs and feel for the point of maximum impulse. An inch lower and you're in the wrong intercostal space. But when you get it right, the music resonates. When you get it right, the pulse is strong under your fingers.
It's the heart. How can it not be interesting?

Fellowship

Went to try out a fellowship.

It had the feeling of new-ness. People didn't really know everybody else, there were a lot of new or just moved-in types of people. There wasn't exactly a core group either. Not entirely welcoming.

Didn't particularly like the format of basing the Bible discussion off the sermon from Sunday. Too redundant.

Very similar to CCF style, except people actually talked without prompting, ha.

On the whole, I was a little disappointed. Not sure if my expectations are a little off because I'm in the post-grad life and people don't have as much time to really invite you to things or go about their way to make you feel welcome.
But also, it really had the feeling of new-ness. Like people were uncertain of the group, either uncomfortable or whatever, to say anything too deep.
It makes me think of what CCF might have been way back when. Maybe?

It was about covenant love. But honestly? Nobody said anything of substance, in my mind. It all boiled down to "God has covenant love for us". Great, but no talk about how that changes our life style or how that affects our lives. It was just, tell us about a situation where you've seen it?

Ugh. This is going to sound silly too, but everybody felt too happy there. Maybe I am just a dark and twisty, cynical soul that likes dark corners... but... I felt like I could see bubbles and sunshine and rainbows. D:

But hey, it's all first impressions.
And God did sorta kinda lead me there maybe kinda.


A little discouraged by the amount of time it takes to find fellowship and a church. It always feel like I'm wasting time if I'm just trying out a place and not committing, because in the end, those connections are just disappearing.
And I'm always thinking about what I should be studying :(
bad.

Ah that was the other thing. They weren't med. Or dental. Like... none of them. Not sure if plus or minus.

I wish transitioning were easier. 

curiosity

got to figure out someone today for the first time in a long while.
School doesn't always translate to quality time one-on-one.

Got told I think too much yet again.
I can't help it.

People are troublesome. People are fascinating.

Older

I've come to the slightly unhappy conclusion that I'm slowly growing out of the YA fantasy books that I've loved for years.

Some are, of course, classics. But the majority (always tagged "for children" or "ages 9-13") don't seem to sit right with me anymore. Which is a true pity because a lot of times I think I would loved some books that were just meh if only I were the right age.

Instead of carefully roaming through the shelves of brightly bound fantasy novels, I look through old and stodgy books now. I really would never have picked up Anna Karenina on my own ten years ago. Ouch that hurts to say. A whole decade ago.

And there's less time to read too... ugh. I'll find time. Somewhere.

Study study

Our instructors are liars!! They say to not memorize everything but just know the concept. Ha! But then how can you answer the question if you don't memorize all of the vitamin deficiency and their corresponding complexes? Rawr.