Almost Christmas

1. Christmas
For some weird reason, it really, really does not feel like it's almost Christmas - despite the semi-advent things that I've been doing with friends. I've even wrapped a gift or two. And it still doesn't "feel" like it. I wonder what I'm missing? Or maybe it's because I'm still in San Antonio. And that makes more of a difference because I'm not with family.

2. For Remembrance
One of my favorite nights with the girls in my small group. Hot drinks, lovely, bright twinkly lights on the trees, a night of walking and talking, looking at the stars, good conversation. Minus demon cat biting me :(
Another close favorite was the ridiculous six pots of tea night just because.
Friends are God blessed.
Let me never take them for granted.

3. Presents
I seriously wish my family had more traditions. The main reason is because it's too much of a bother. These days I'm starting to realize that almost everything that is worth something requires effort. Finding presents for people. Visiting someone who is sick. Leaving the comfortable bed to hang out with people. Planning a trip. Hobbies and skills. All of it is time and effort and dedication. And I want to be more diligent about it all.

Of course there are the days where I can't even leave my bed because of laziness.... but it's an ongoing process, okay? ha

4. Late nights
Caught up with an old friend. I was struck by how he was the same, but not the same. Is that weird? I wish I knew how much I've changed since college.
.... and if it was for the better.

The quote that I love: may the space between where I am and where I want to be inspire me. 

5. Love
Everybody wants to be loved.

Volunteering

... is it weird that I don't like volunteering?

I objectively think that it's a good thing and I ought to do it. So I mind over matter things and volunteer. And then think to myself how much I am doing because I ought to. Not because I really want to. But surely that's not how it should be?

I know some people who genuinely like volunteering. And I think they're good people.
Maybe it's that I find interacting with strangers a chore. Sometimes a worthwhile and good thing, but ultimately still energy.

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I've been having a really hard time finding motivation lately. I just don't want to do anything. If I could lay in bed all day without getting a headache, I probably would.

Sigh.

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I don't know what I'm looking for these days. Kinda feel like I'm wandering around aimlessly.

Grocery Shopping

Eat fresh food.
Eat frozen food.
Eat emergency pantry food.
Realize there is no food left.
Manage to put off grocery shopping for another few days by eating out and eating extra emergency food.
Go grocery shopping.
Buy fresh food, frozen food, pantry food.
Am hungry after shopping.
Eat snacks and frozen food because too lazy to make fresh food.
.... such is life.

...

This new blogger system sucks. They need to revert back to the old dashboard.

/dislike.


Learning how to crochet. E hooks are a pain, but they look pretty. It's almost more an effort in counting rather than actual mechanics, ha.

Trying to remember what it means to be determined.

Weird

Your heart is a strange little orange to peel.

How.... weird.

Church

Bullet points:

- This church is very focused on outward reaching. I appreciate it.

- Speaking truth is. I don't know how brave it is. It is simply acknowledging what is.

- Am I too critical? Do I see too much fault? Do I have the plank in my eye?

It's the stupid gray areas: is it okay to drink before 21, is it okay to drink until drunk, is it okay to cuss, is it okay to have road rage, is it okay to laugh at crude humor, is it okay to make jokes at someone else's expense.

- This is (not meant in a mean way) a feel-good group. The hard questions are rather glossed over. Why? Because we aren't close enough as a group. Because we don't trust each other enough. Because we are afraid of talking about sins. Because we don't want to change. Take your pick of answers.

Extra thoughts

1. Sleepover
- girls night. felt almost like college all over again.
- random costco run just for macaroons. ridiculous. kinda fun.
- did a craft. i think it turned out well. i miss acrylics. i really, really, really want my acrylic box that's in dallas. i want my brushes. i want all of the art things back at home. (and on that note, i would really like a sewing box, and a scrapbook box, and a crochet box. i also want a glass cutter kit, a tool kit, a few power tools, and a sewing machine. lol. i mean, while i'm still dreaming, i would also like a full size keyboard with a pedal.)
- life stories. i am..... blown away by how different everyone's life is. and the struggles that people have. i think i have fairly mundane life.
- it is an extremely comfortable environment, to be honest. i barely know half these people, and i already know what this kind of vibe is like. i know how the conversations sorta oughta go. i know the progression of the night, i know the type of things we talk about, i know the songs, i know the words. it's like walking on well-worn trails of the past. haven't i already done this at least 4 times? once every single year for ccf, a girl sleep over with questions and sharing and food.

2. Faith
Everything of the sleepover felt familiar.
Except this: faith here is so much stronger because everyone here fights against time to make it to these things. because faith after college is a chosen thing, is a self-motivated thing.

and I feel so in between.

I am spending too much time waffling on important questions and things.

3. game night
- gah. i can't believe this happened the same freaking day. not enough emotional energy. i didn't expect it to go through, but it ended up being at my place, so of course i'll host.
- it was actually good. a small group. a few more life stories. a few games. i dunno. a getting to know you part.

5. decisions
- to choose the path of the straight and narrow requires a steadfast heart

6. picnic
- lovely pavilion. adorable dogs. the most beautiful wicker basket. delicious brie, cranberry chipotle sauce, turkey, apple slices sandwich. salami. brownie brittles. macaroons. chips and salsa. cake and cookies. potato salad. fruit salad. just ugh. so full. so good.
- quietness. the problem of big groups that don't know each other well.  the art of socializing......