My time in this little city is coming to an end, and I am pouring out my thoughts like water from a jug, just to see how it flows and where it will run downstream. With lit candles around me and water in a wine glass and a house full of 1920s paisley print and cowboy motifs.
It wasn't as completely isolated as one might expected, since I went back to SA every weekend. And that dose of friendship and community is on par with what I normally have, even if I were in the city. I don't know how I would have fared if I didn't drive back. Lonelier maybe. Definitely.
But I definitely tasted solitude and loneliness a lot more in these four weeks. I really tried to make the most of my time here and play the tourist - as I do not usually do so in cities that I live for four years (e.g. Houston and SA). Walking down Main St, wandering through Ladybird Park, climbing Enchanted Rock, trying out foods and wines, drinking a pint at bars, etc.
I don't think I particularly like doing things by myself, these type of activities that are normally done with a significant other or a group of friends. But it is interesting. It is a lot more restful, a lot more internal-seeking, a state of mind that is pondering. It is easy to get lost in my own mind sometimes. But I also think I do notice more about the world around me when I am alone.
Solitude. It is not terribly difficult, not really. I get to do all the things I want. I wander around random trails, jump over creeks, pause for too long at a strange rock, decide to check out linen stores, kick back and enjoy my favorite music on repeat that goes on and on until I get sick of it myself, light a candle. And in solitude, there is much time of self-observation and reflection and considering of thoughts.
But I want to share these moments. These moments where I climb to the top of Enchanted Rock and my heart is beating a tattoo and my ears are tingling from the cold and I stare at the sky and marvel at how close I seem to the clouds. Where I feel the warmth of a fire and the taste of a sharp red wine at a cozy restaurant. Where I try schnitzel or goat or venison chili for the first time. It doesn't "change" me irrevocably. Not at all. But it is just part of my life and experience now and sometimes I can bring them up in conversations to relate to people or interest them or move the conversation along. But I can't get rid of that feeling of wanting to share all these experiences with someone dear to me and then later turn around and say, laughing, don't you remember when...?
I want to build memories with people. Not just with myself.
That, that, is my main disappointment of solitude.
I am not afraid of being alone. I am not afraid of doing things by myself.
But I want it all to have meaning.
----
Living.
There was a darling golden retriever at the place I stayed. I realize that if I ever get a pet, it absolutely cannot shed haha.
I got along with the person who lived in the front of the house. But I think my strengths in building relationships with people are listening and asking questions. Very rarely I give too much about myself out unless asked. But she works in promotion and charity work for the hospital and asking for donations. So she is a talker. The energetic kind, bubbly and emphatic and..... superficial? That isn't the right word. She really isn't superficial in the sense of "fake" or only concerned about appearances. But I could definitely tell when she was "on" and trying to generate excitement for certain programs. But I am the same way, aren't I? To be a conversationalist in a group or crowd or party, to move things along, I do it too. None of that is fake - just using different parts of yourself.
Kindness does not always seem genuine.
I think I realize that even more in here. That type of "Southern" kindness. It is almost a polite type of kindness. But does that mean they actually care? Likely not. But it is the norm. The courtesy of asking how you are, even if you're passing by. I think I've been called darling, sweetie, dear, honey way more than I ever had here.
---
I went to a country club for pilots and other people who have the money with the person who owns the place I'm staying. It was this ritzy place with wine and a cheese platter and live music. It was small talk about politics and their vacations to Switzerland and Europe and business and real estate. It was.... I don't know. Surreal? Another type of culture shock. That internal feeling of these are not my people. They were lovely people. But the whole thing, the area and cost of the glass of wine and ambiance and the type of conversation that screams wealth and willing to spend it.... I don't think I ever could.
But it was.... something that I don't want to forget. Because I hadn't been in that situation before. And isn't it because I only make certain type of friends? I need to broaden my horizons. How? These are the type of friends that are not deep friends. They are the ones you ask to come out for a glass of wine, or ask about your vacation, or gossip a little. But do they go to each other for problems? I don't know, but I would guess not.
I have such a hard time making those types of friends.
HA probably because I think its effort to go out! Too much energy wasted to make those type of friends.
But dang, I wish I could because those are the types that succeed in business and making connections.
I can fake being an extrovert for only so long.
---
Small towns are weird. Weird, but.... understandable.
Except for their politics.
Hahaha.
Politics.
Fully right wing conservatives, Fox news, no empathy for the other side, 100% gun-loving.
Exposure is that main thing. It really is. If I were born into this type of small town vibe and grew up here and lived here my whole life and never left, I would bet I'd be the same. I'd probably grow up learning how to shoot guns and raising goats and going to the stockshow and voting down the Republican party line.
But I didn't. And I smiled and nodded multiple times and just kept eating whatever food I could so I wouldn't have to talk.
But I am starting to see how Trump won in Texas by such a landslide. I was surprised because within all of the metropolitan areas, it is fairly blue. Most of my friends are left of center, with a some exceptions. But I can see why here.
There is so much bias. I must always keep an eye on my own as well.
There is so much agriculture here - or "ag", as they would say here. So many cattle, goats, sheep, and so many people own ranches. I..... am completely out of my depth here haha. It is definitely a surprise. I see where all the stereotypes come from... and all of them would apply here haha.
---
Dreams.
I've been having vivid dreams again. The kinds that linger and I remember and sometimes I think back and wonder if that was memory or dream.
I find myself sleeping too much these days.
I thought it was because the wifi here sucks (oh small town problems) and I couldn't surf the internet or watch netflix or whatever, so out of boredom I just went to bed earlier.
But these dreams really are quite vivid.
I see, I feel, and sometimes I wake up with my heart beating too quickly.
Sleep.
I wish it were different.
---
Hospital.
In all of my experience in ORs, most of them have been professional. Of course all attendings have their own style and personalities. But never had I ever had such a crude OR as one here. Frat boy attending, crude humor with every comment, and the nurse, scrub techs, and anesthesiologist all shifted their personalities to match the attending. I am incredibly uncomfortable with it all. I don't mind a little crude humor, and I do like some deadpan wit; but sometimes it is genuinely not kind. Jokes at the expense of other people, some are the butt of jokes, rude gossip, exchanges jokingly asking for sexual favors. I can't do this type of OR. I really can't. He's a good surgeon. And he's actually a good teacher as well. But.
I realize this about myself. I am actually incredibly quiet - especially when I am uncertain and don't trust the people around me. I think I always have been - that is my natural state of being. I only learned to be more talkative because I had to. Somehow I need to learn the skill of talking even if I am uncertain.
On a certain nurse. I hadn't been that angry in a long, long time. When the nurse pulled me aside to tell me that I was "pushy" and was intruding on her job. I don't love confrontation. But I am not going to keep my mouth shut either if things like that happen. I am literally paying to be there and to learn. If it is anyone's right to be in the middle of the surgery, it's me. I am not "under" anyone, even if I'm only going to be there for four weeks. And let me just say, if you are not pushy in the OR, then you are not going to be doing anything. What do you expect me to do, just watch quietly from the corner? I might as well not scrub in. I was furious. I hated that room's OR culture, I got a lecture about my "place" in the procedure, and just ugh.
The conclusion is this: the whole OR changes to the surgeon's personality.
And this: you cannot always avoid conflict.
---
Amusing.
I generally wear a bit of eyeliner and tinted lip balm. I think I ate something and the lip balm rubbed off. A scrub tech looked at me and asked, where's your lips?
I was like.... on my face? but didn't actually say that.
I think that phrasing is hilarious. Where are your lips? Where are your eyes?
But it also goes to show you that people notice your make up.
---
I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless,
a chasing after the wind.
Why, then, do I still chase after the wind?
Friday, February 3, 2017
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Learning Solitude
I have been learning the meaning of solitude lately.
What it means to do things on my own purely for the sole enjoyment of what I am doing and myself.
Walking a nature trail
Star gazing
Eating at a new restaurant
Taste testing samples at a peach farm
All of those things are something that are commonly done with people.
With.
But for me, I just find myself thinking more and more by myself.
Soaking in the moment of wherever I am,
wondering random thoughts,
wandering aimlessly to my own desire,
trying to be present in the moment.
What it means to do things on my own purely for the sole enjoyment of what I am doing and myself.
Walking a nature trail
Star gazing
Eating at a new restaurant
Taste testing samples at a peach farm
All of those things are something that are commonly done with people.
With.
But for me, I just find myself thinking more and more by myself.
Soaking in the moment of wherever I am,
wondering random thoughts,
wandering aimlessly to my own desire,
trying to be present in the moment.
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Extra
1. Cat Valente
Just holy smokes. She is so well read. And her writing is so beautiful.
I wish I were more well read and I could write like that.
I am curious about the new show on Zelda Fitgerald.
2. Calling
My small group asked about what we thought was our calling these days. Both long term and short term.
And I paused.
Because I honestly
don't know.
I thought I had it all figured out when I was in college. And then somewhere in between the textbooks and the white coat, I've lost sight of everything.
-edit-
3. Wifi
Dang. I have so many thoughts that I want to write down.
Not having consistent wifi for more than half the week is seriously messing me up. I really do rely on blogs to reflect.
4. Those
Picnic
Floppy straw hats and a maxi skirt, warm weather with a hint of a breeze, a picnic basket, cut fruit, a small pond with white feathered geese, a box of Mexican desserts, a slow promenade, a discussion of books and love and words, good conversation, laughter.
Evening tea time.
Lavender green tea, jasmine tea, beautiful gold rimmed tea cups, a learning session of cutting fruit. demon kitties, a soft conversation, gentle questions, sharing life, music in the background.
If I can fill my life with these types of moments
my life would be so full.
Let me cling to these experiences, to these moments, to the times where good friends text me randomly, where tea is poured and experiences are shared, where I know there are people in my life that are God-sent, where I see blessing in every moment.
And You will renew me.
Tell me that is true.
Just holy smokes. She is so well read. And her writing is so beautiful.
I wish I were more well read and I could write like that.
I am curious about the new show on Zelda Fitgerald.
2. Calling
My small group asked about what we thought was our calling these days. Both long term and short term.
And I paused.
Because I honestly
don't know.
I thought I had it all figured out when I was in college. And then somewhere in between the textbooks and the white coat, I've lost sight of everything.
-edit-
3. Wifi
Dang. I have so many thoughts that I want to write down.
Not having consistent wifi for more than half the week is seriously messing me up. I really do rely on blogs to reflect.
4. Those
Picnic
Floppy straw hats and a maxi skirt, warm weather with a hint of a breeze, a picnic basket, cut fruit, a small pond with white feathered geese, a box of Mexican desserts, a slow promenade, a discussion of books and love and words, good conversation, laughter.
Evening tea time.
Lavender green tea, jasmine tea, beautiful gold rimmed tea cups, a learning session of cutting fruit. demon kitties, a soft conversation, gentle questions, sharing life, music in the background.
If I can fill my life with these types of moments
my life would be so full.
Let me cling to these experiences, to these moments, to the times where good friends text me randomly, where tea is poured and experiences are shared, where I know there are people in my life that are God-sent, where I see blessing in every moment.
And You will renew me.
Tell me that is true.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
Solitude
1. A Walk in Nature
A trail that crossed a creek and ran past cattle and on through next to a rock outcropping.
It was all Texas blue sky, where it almost hurts to just stare up and up at that brilliant, cloudless blue.
It was the tiny green buds on winter-brittle branches, the small grey birds perched on the treetops like ornaments.
It was the bubbling of the water, the burbling sounds of the creek, and the gentle ripples that were cool on my fingertips.
It was the make-shift wooden planks as a bridge, the water rushing over my shoes as I leave wet footprints.
It was the sun pouring gold over the world and reflecting off of the water, the sun beating on my skin and warming my skin, the breeze tickling my hair.
It was watching lines and lines of leaf cutters ants marching back and forth, carrying their enormous burden of leaves.
And the stillness of my soul in all of this, despite the sound of rippling water, the taste of hill country breeze crispness, the warmth of light and rays, the sight of my shadow falling onto the rocks from the four o'clock sun, and the beautiful beautiful sight of nature all around me. And it all makes me wonder is this beauty in solitude or just loneliness.
But sometimes, the world is still. And I am still.
And I
am.
---
2. On Longing and Status Quo
Does everyone have a sort of longing in their hearts? Is anyone truly, fully fulfilled?
I find myself, sometimes, so envious of other people even though I know I have so much and that they also have difficulties and blah blah blah and that comparison is the thief of joy and yeah I know all of that. But I want.
Isn't the answer to that: go out and do what I want. Find it. Go after it. Don't just let myself waste away in the status quo. Don't settle. Don't settle. Don't listlessly just pause your life. GO.
I find myself so jaded these days.
This is a truth these days: I have an unsatisfied heart.
---
3. Joy
Count it all joy, he says.
Is happiness something that I must claw out from the mundanes of life myself? That I must search desperately for the objective beauty in the world? That I must remind myself daily of the lovely things that make me smile? Because if I do not, then it is just empty satisfaction and a weary soul.
I have never thought I wanted rose-colored lenses - but sometimes I wish that I had a disposition more suited for happiness. Is there such a thing?
Maybe I just write this in a time or moment where I feel too much. Perhaps I must give myself another few hours and let this pass.
But, my dear friend would probably tell me, happiness is not joy, is it.
If then
let me find a way to fill my cup.
That I might fill my soul until it brims and then overflows
that I might pour into others.
Count it all joy.
Count it all joy.
A trail that crossed a creek and ran past cattle and on through next to a rock outcropping.
It was all Texas blue sky, where it almost hurts to just stare up and up at that brilliant, cloudless blue.
It was the tiny green buds on winter-brittle branches, the small grey birds perched on the treetops like ornaments.
It was the bubbling of the water, the burbling sounds of the creek, and the gentle ripples that were cool on my fingertips.
It was the make-shift wooden planks as a bridge, the water rushing over my shoes as I leave wet footprints.
It was the sun pouring gold over the world and reflecting off of the water, the sun beating on my skin and warming my skin, the breeze tickling my hair.
It was watching lines and lines of leaf cutters ants marching back and forth, carrying their enormous burden of leaves.
And the stillness of my soul in all of this, despite the sound of rippling water, the taste of hill country breeze crispness, the warmth of light and rays, the sight of my shadow falling onto the rocks from the four o'clock sun, and the beautiful beautiful sight of nature all around me. And it all makes me wonder is this beauty in solitude or just loneliness.
But sometimes, the world is still. And I am still.
And I
am.
---
2. On Longing and Status Quo
Does everyone have a sort of longing in their hearts? Is anyone truly, fully fulfilled?
I find myself, sometimes, so envious of other people even though I know I have so much and that they also have difficulties and blah blah blah and that comparison is the thief of joy and yeah I know all of that. But I want.
Isn't the answer to that: go out and do what I want. Find it. Go after it. Don't just let myself waste away in the status quo. Don't settle. Don't settle. Don't listlessly just pause your life. GO.
I find myself so jaded these days.
This is a truth these days: I have an unsatisfied heart.
---
3. Joy
Count it all joy, he says.
Is happiness something that I must claw out from the mundanes of life myself? That I must search desperately for the objective beauty in the world? That I must remind myself daily of the lovely things that make me smile? Because if I do not, then it is just empty satisfaction and a weary soul.
I have never thought I wanted rose-colored lenses - but sometimes I wish that I had a disposition more suited for happiness. Is there such a thing?
Maybe I just write this in a time or moment where I feel too much. Perhaps I must give myself another few hours and let this pass.
But, my dear friend would probably tell me, happiness is not joy, is it.
If then
let me find a way to fill my cup.
That I might fill my soul until it brims and then overflows
that I might pour into others.
Count it all joy.
Count it all joy.
Thursday, January 12, 2017
ARGHHHH
I think I have finally developed allergies (freaking gosh darn it all to hell). I've been sneezing and having a runny nose for a few days now and I am always tired and exhausted (not sure if that's allergies or just life lol).
But just ughhhhh..
And then UGHHH. I have never freaking drank so much in my life, which is ridiculous -____- because I don't even really want to drink. But then I don't have internet, so I'm going to bar - should i just order ginger ale or something?? i dunno. and then my roommate is super sweet, but always drinks a glass at night.. and i've been sorta joining her because i want to get along well. and i really don't mind having a glass too.
occasionally. but UGHHHH.
but IT'S TOO MUCH.
I'm starting to hit a breaking point of alcohol enjoyment. and if i'm not enjoying drinking my alcohol, why would i do it???????????
whatever.
----
more thoughts that i think i'll try to unpack on saturday, when i'm back in SA.
Country Club
Working hard
Traveling
How I want to grow old.....
Vision.
Drinking???
But just ughhhhh..
And then UGHHH. I have never freaking drank so much in my life, which is ridiculous -____- because I don't even really want to drink. But then I don't have internet, so I'm going to bar - should i just order ginger ale or something?? i dunno. and then my roommate is super sweet, but always drinks a glass at night.. and i've been sorta joining her because i want to get along well. and i really don't mind having a glass too.
occasionally. but UGHHHH.
but IT'S TOO MUCH.
I'm starting to hit a breaking point of alcohol enjoyment. and if i'm not enjoying drinking my alcohol, why would i do it???????????
whatever.
----
more thoughts that i think i'll try to unpack on saturday, when i'm back in SA.
Country Club
Working hard
Traveling
How I want to grow old.....
Vision.
Drinking???
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Short post
Life has been weird.
I feel like I'm living in some sort of suspended time where nothing seems to be real or true.
I don't think I can ever explain this feeling fully through words. Is that strange? It is. But I'm going to try anyway.
It's like I'm watching myself do all the things I need to do. I'm going through the motions. I am doing this and that. But it feels like none of this matters.
I don't know if that's a side effect of just waiting to see where I will go next year or what. But none of my life feels real. Or that it matters.
Why am I feeling like this?
How do I be more present in my life?
---
Ugh. Don't feel like thinking too hard right now.
And my internet sucks right now so I'm currently at a bar, which is just ridiculous. But stupid small town coffee shops close at freaking FIVE pm. So whatever.
---
Things to blog about later when I have the time:
- Fredricksburg
- rural surgery
- small group
- the theory of friendship and why I disagree with the pastor of Austin Stone lol lol
- of keeping friendships close
- family and divergence of opinions and continued love
- desire
- worldly things
- hope
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Marie Kondo
The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.
Reading this (skimming more like) because two separate friends have talked about it with me. And when 2+ people talk about a book... well, I gotta read it.
It's about cleaning and keeping things neat and getting rid of tons of crap that you don't need and only keeping things that "spark joy" in your life.
Some of it is applicable (in that I rearranged my sock drawer already), and I do want to declutter a lot of my things. But this slightly horrifies me:
"If you missed your chance to read a particular book, even if it was recommended to you or is one you have been intending to read for ages, this is your chance to let it go. You may have wanted to read it when you bought it, but if you haven’t read it by now, the book’s purpose was to teach you that you didn’t need it. There’s no need to finish reading books that you only got halfway through. Their purpose was to be read halfway. So get rid of all those unread books."
!!! gahhh!!! nooooo :(
---
In other thoughts.... I kinda dislike blogger right now (interface and also their lack of support for an app). Mildly considering moving to wordpress.... -__-"
---
I also have yet to do a 2016 reflections, sigh. So not ready to resume real life.
Reading this (skimming more like) because two separate friends have talked about it with me. And when 2+ people talk about a book... well, I gotta read it.
It's about cleaning and keeping things neat and getting rid of tons of crap that you don't need and only keeping things that "spark joy" in your life.
Some of it is applicable (in that I rearranged my sock drawer already), and I do want to declutter a lot of my things. But this slightly horrifies me:
"If you missed your chance to read a particular book, even if it was recommended to you or is one you have been intending to read for ages, this is your chance to let it go. You may have wanted to read it when you bought it, but if you haven’t read it by now, the book’s purpose was to teach you that you didn’t need it. There’s no need to finish reading books that you only got halfway through. Their purpose was to be read halfway. So get rid of all those unread books."
!!! gahhh!!! nooooo :(
---
In other thoughts.... I kinda dislike blogger right now (interface and also their lack of support for an app). Mildly considering moving to wordpress.... -__-"
---
I also have yet to do a 2016 reflections, sigh. So not ready to resume real life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)