...Don’t you ever feel
like you’re just
a story someone is telling
about someone like you?...
- What the Dragon Said: A Love Story, by Catherynne Valente
Thursday, March 9, 2017
Thursday, March 2, 2017
kinship
I have the greatest friends. I don't know how many times I can reiterate that without sounding like a fool. But I really do.
Why are people so amazing?
I've also said this multiple times, but a person who reads my bookshelf will know me better than I could ever express in words.
But talking about books with someone who also reads is just ugh some of the best conversations.
I imagine it would be for anyone who has similar hobbies. Like music.
Why are people so amazing?
I've also said this multiple times, but a person who reads my bookshelf will know me better than I could ever express in words.
But talking about books with someone who also reads is just ugh some of the best conversations.
I imagine it would be for anyone who has similar hobbies. Like music.
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Happiness
if i reflect on what is happiness,
what do i imagine.
the happiest day of my life, which one would i choose?
the happiest moment, what would that be?
emotions are so unreliable.
we cannot go chasing after emotions for an every lasting high.
there will never be a moment so happy that i can bask in that forever.
... can there be?
but does that mean i shouldn't be looking for happiness?
i want to be loved by more than God.
YES. isn't that blasphemy. To say that God is not enough for me. Why can't I have more?
Am I made of too much of this world now?
How is God enough to sustain
when i want to love and be loved and be respected and all these ridiculous emotions.
The world isn't fair. I already knew that.
But I still linger on that barest brush of hope - that there still might be happiness in store for me too.
God doesn't promise happiness. You know he doesn't. He promises to be the wind underneath your wings, to clothe you like the lilies of the valley, to know your name, to know how many hairs you have on your head, and that he is there. That he listens. And that if you drink of him, he will not leave you thirsty. That there will be a heaven, a place for you if you believe. He will be your daily bread. He will King of Kings and the alpha and the omega.
But God. Does. Not. Promise. Happiness.
and i am so tired of being unhappy.
Oh but Karen, what would make you happy. Happiness is not lasting. If you find a boy, if you have a great job, if you travel the world, if you have all these - even then, how do you know you will be happy?
I don't know.
I don't know.
But I still want it.
Is that okay?
God. How can you be enough for me when I want so much?
what do i imagine.
the happiest day of my life, which one would i choose?
the happiest moment, what would that be?
emotions are so unreliable.
we cannot go chasing after emotions for an every lasting high.
there will never be a moment so happy that i can bask in that forever.
... can there be?
but does that mean i shouldn't be looking for happiness?
i want to be loved by more than God.
YES. isn't that blasphemy. To say that God is not enough for me. Why can't I have more?
Am I made of too much of this world now?
How is God enough to sustain
when i want to love and be loved and be respected and all these ridiculous emotions.
The world isn't fair. I already knew that.
But I still linger on that barest brush of hope - that there still might be happiness in store for me too.
God doesn't promise happiness. You know he doesn't. He promises to be the wind underneath your wings, to clothe you like the lilies of the valley, to know your name, to know how many hairs you have on your head, and that he is there. That he listens. And that if you drink of him, he will not leave you thirsty. That there will be a heaven, a place for you if you believe. He will be your daily bread. He will King of Kings and the alpha and the omega.
But God. Does. Not. Promise. Happiness.
and i am so tired of being unhappy.
Oh but Karen, what would make you happy. Happiness is not lasting. If you find a boy, if you have a great job, if you travel the world, if you have all these - even then, how do you know you will be happy?
I don't know.
I don't know.
But I still want it.
Is that okay?
God. How can you be enough for me when I want so much?
Saturday, February 18, 2017
Quick thoughts
1. Casual friends.
It's hard for me to have them.
2. Love languages.
Obviously words of affirmation (if I believe you) and quality time. But I like touch more than I realized in my college years.
3. Curiosity.
Can kill the cat. But I am trying really hard to not be too interrogative or nosy.
.... I fail a lot of the times.
4. OSCEs
It was actually really good. I am surprised how much I think I needed to do that type of simulation.
Medical Errors. Autopsy. Consent. Family Discussion.
5. Beauty and the Beast
Not as feminist as I thought it was. But the songs are just as great.
6. Stress
Stressed out, more than I realized. Something about bootcamp, volunteering, and extra classes. Ugh, I shouldn't be this stressed, but I still am. Fix me, please.
Touching on that... am getting tension headaches almost daily now -___-" why does my body do this.
7. Groups.
I have a bad habit of ups and downs. Where upon I felt like I didn't have enough people interaction. And thus aimed to correct it by scheduling a lot of activities with different subgroups of friends. And now I feel like I am committed to too many groups now. Which is a very odd feeling now because I think too many things are getting double booked, or I have to say no.
8. Eating healthy.
Gained 5ish lbs from Fredericksburg. Mostly because I didn't cook at all. Then I put off shopping for 2 weeks. Yay me. Now I went grocery shopping. Ugh now I have to cook
9. Is God good?
The ultimate question.
God does not promise you a "good" life. He does not promise you a "successful" life.
It is a hard pill to swallow.
10. .... I need to learn to how to casual.
It's hard for me to have them.
2. Love languages.
Obviously words of affirmation (if I believe you) and quality time. But I like touch more than I realized in my college years.
3. Curiosity.
Can kill the cat. But I am trying really hard to not be too interrogative or nosy.
.... I fail a lot of the times.
4. OSCEs
It was actually really good. I am surprised how much I think I needed to do that type of simulation.
Medical Errors. Autopsy. Consent. Family Discussion.
5. Beauty and the Beast
Not as feminist as I thought it was. But the songs are just as great.
6. Stress
Stressed out, more than I realized. Something about bootcamp, volunteering, and extra classes. Ugh, I shouldn't be this stressed, but I still am. Fix me, please.
Touching on that... am getting tension headaches almost daily now -___-" why does my body do this.
7. Groups.
I have a bad habit of ups and downs. Where upon I felt like I didn't have enough people interaction. And thus aimed to correct it by scheduling a lot of activities with different subgroups of friends. And now I feel like I am committed to too many groups now. Which is a very odd feeling now because I think too many things are getting double booked, or I have to say no.
8. Eating healthy.
Gained 5ish lbs from Fredericksburg. Mostly because I didn't cook at all. Then I put off shopping for 2 weeks. Yay me. Now I went grocery shopping. Ugh now I have to cook
9. Is God good?
The ultimate question.
God does not promise you a "good" life. He does not promise you a "successful" life.
It is a hard pill to swallow.
10. .... I need to learn to how to casual.
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Ecclesiastes
Ecclesiastes is, without any question, my favorite book of the Bible.
It has been, since for as long as I can remember. Middle school, maybe?
Today, two dear friends showed me something called the Bible Project.
Dear goodness. It is everything I believe.
And their shorts on Proverbs and Jobs make me realize why I really don't love those books as much.
Just ugh. It's so good. It is so on point.
Monday, February 13, 2017
Language
Here is a truth that I am starting to believe: There is no "norm" when it comes to relationships.
What works for one friendship may not work for another. What works in your romantic relationship may not work in another. But none of it is wrong. It simply is.
You make your own normal. And stop worrying so much about what it means to be normal or basing your actions and expectations on what you perceive as normal and just freaking be.
Wednesday, February 8, 2017
Of Doing
Wineries with dear friends and sleepovers.
On the last weekend of my Fredericksburg rotation, my small group girls came up to visit me and do wine tastings and sleepovers and delicious food outings.
The weather sucked. It was grey skies, sheer rain that felt like walking in cold mist, and a chilly wind that slithered under your coat. But it couldn't stop the laughter, warmth of conversation, and talks that made us feel known.
I've never done a wine tasting, and I am really, really glad they came so I could. The small sips of wine, the rolling of the wrist to swirl the wine, discussing with the employees about the delicate flavors, moving from dry white to rose to full-bodied reds to sweet whites and dessert. Tasting the wood and cherry, and thinking about what kind of wine I like. It was a lot of fun.
And then taking a bottle to just sit down and talk. It was what I hope in my friendships. It's not the 4 am, soul-baring discussions - but it was a talk of learning and struggles and emotions and of this is who i am and where i am at and just thank you God for putting these girls in my life. All of with a glass of red at my lips and the cold wet mist on our cheeks.
We karaoked and danced around the room and ate cookies and laughed too hard. My throat hurt after it all, my cheeks hurt from smiling. We talked through the night and fell asleep talking. We woke up and did it all over again. I am extremely grateful that I somehow did not run out of emotional energy throughout the whole week.
Friendship is a wondrous thing, more beautiful than jewels, more precious than gold.
On the last weekend of my Fredericksburg rotation, my small group girls came up to visit me and do wine tastings and sleepovers and delicious food outings.
The weather sucked. It was grey skies, sheer rain that felt like walking in cold mist, and a chilly wind that slithered under your coat. But it couldn't stop the laughter, warmth of conversation, and talks that made us feel known.
I've never done a wine tasting, and I am really, really glad they came so I could. The small sips of wine, the rolling of the wrist to swirl the wine, discussing with the employees about the delicate flavors, moving from dry white to rose to full-bodied reds to sweet whites and dessert. Tasting the wood and cherry, and thinking about what kind of wine I like. It was a lot of fun.
And then taking a bottle to just sit down and talk. It was what I hope in my friendships. It's not the 4 am, soul-baring discussions - but it was a talk of learning and struggles and emotions and of this is who i am and where i am at and just thank you God for putting these girls in my life. All of with a glass of red at my lips and the cold wet mist on our cheeks.
We karaoked and danced around the room and ate cookies and laughed too hard. My throat hurt after it all, my cheeks hurt from smiling. We talked through the night and fell asleep talking. We woke up and did it all over again. I am extremely grateful that I somehow did not run out of emotional energy throughout the whole week.
Friendship is a wondrous thing, more beautiful than jewels, more precious than gold.
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