it's been a long week - more so of my own making, but that's generally how things go. I didn't really want to write this blog post because I feel like nothing of note has happened lately. And maybe that should concern me.
It is definitely in my nature to think too much. But I remember back in college when I had more time that I'd be meditating on the nature of God, love, truth, the importance of being not of this world, friendship, what it means to have hope, how to show grace, thinking and thinking about how to be a person closer to the image of Christ. A better person.
These days I'm just too tired to think at all. Or is that an excuse?
Even today - my only day off in this week, bracketed by call days on Saturday and Monday - I don't want to do anything but eat and sleep and indulge in hobbies. And even those hobbies are mindless. I wanted to bake cookies in Christmas shapes, maybe get a Christmas tree and decorate, go to another park, try out something new in the city, go dancing, go volunteer, study up on medicine that i don't know, write up that stupid case report, who knows. Instead I stayed on my couch and drank tea and read easy books.
Time passes by too fast these days.
They say for languages - if you don't use it, you lose it.
Isn't that the same for being Christ-like?
How can I better demonstrate a love for people?
How selfish can I be?
Sunday, December 9, 2018
Tuesday, December 4, 2018
Work
Super short post because I am post call and got home at nine and I really want to sleep soon.
Well. My upper level is a black cloud. But I think I’m a white cloud.
I’ve been thinking that the reward for good work is more work. If you are efficient and reliable and nice and go beyond what people expect. Well then, people give you more work to do. Or you find out more problems that you normally wouldn’t have even had to hear about. And that’s just so frustrating sometimes because honestly the easiest thing to do would be just to care less and do less.
Case in point. I make it a habit to pm round on my patients. Just to check up on them and see how things are going, talk a little and get to know them, updates, plans, whatever. But really, I feel like all I get back are mainly complaints. Today I spent over 30 minutes talking with family who started complaining about the medical system and how redudant we are. Dude. I didn’t have to come and talk to you. Some residents wouldn’t have. They’d already be gone. I feel like I’m just making more work for myself by trying to be thorough. If I just let it be, I’d only have to deal with this stuff when someone forces me to go down and do it. But. That’s not the right thing to do. But it just sucks so much. It’s like customer service where they literally exist for customers to yell at them to vent anger at the overall company. It’s thankless. And I thought I signed up for the medicine. Not the customer service part. But there’s still the overwhelming part of me that thinks That if I were the patient, I’d want to see the people taking care of me more than once a day. More than 5 minutes. Sigh.
I am a little tired of people.
Well. My upper level is a black cloud. But I think I’m a white cloud.
I’ve been thinking that the reward for good work is more work. If you are efficient and reliable and nice and go beyond what people expect. Well then, people give you more work to do. Or you find out more problems that you normally wouldn’t have even had to hear about. And that’s just so frustrating sometimes because honestly the easiest thing to do would be just to care less and do less.
Case in point. I make it a habit to pm round on my patients. Just to check up on them and see how things are going, talk a little and get to know them, updates, plans, whatever. But really, I feel like all I get back are mainly complaints. Today I spent over 30 minutes talking with family who started complaining about the medical system and how redudant we are. Dude. I didn’t have to come and talk to you. Some residents wouldn’t have. They’d already be gone. I feel like I’m just making more work for myself by trying to be thorough. If I just let it be, I’d only have to deal with this stuff when someone forces me to go down and do it. But. That’s not the right thing to do. But it just sucks so much. It’s like customer service where they literally exist for customers to yell at them to vent anger at the overall company. It’s thankless. And I thought I signed up for the medicine. Not the customer service part. But there’s still the overwhelming part of me that thinks That if I were the patient, I’d want to see the people taking care of me more than once a day. More than 5 minutes. Sigh.
I am a little tired of people.
Saturday, December 1, 2018
Restarting
Blogging challenge to remind myself to write a little more. Which is actually strange because I think that I have put writing on the back burner in the past few months; and (subsequently?) have also found myself feeling as if I had unresolved thoughts that have just never been settled and filed properly.
I think I've not been writing as often because I feel as if there's not much to say here. It's just mundane days of residency and trying to survive and live life and think about the future. I foresee this blogging challenge resulting in blogs of very random topics.
----
I think my mentality of relationships is becoming skewed and twisted from going on so many dating app dates. i started going mostly because it was a direct, actionable response for whenever i think, it would be nice to have a significant other. especially in the south, where more than half my co-interns are seriously dating, engaged, married, or married with kids. and i really don't like not trying to fix my problems - because if you don't actively try to do something, then i really don't believe you have any right to complain about it. because obviously you aren't bothered by it enough to change your actions/life. so i go on stranger dates.
and they're all... strangers. it's easy because talking to a stranger is just asking questions. but really what i'm trying to say is that - i think i discard people too easily now. maybe there is something wrong with my brain. unless they are my friend (established and defined), i just feel like i really don't owe them anything. which is fairly callous.
maybe something is wrong with me emotionally. that i can leave people too easily.
I think I've not been writing as often because I feel as if there's not much to say here. It's just mundane days of residency and trying to survive and live life and think about the future. I foresee this blogging challenge resulting in blogs of very random topics.
----
I think my mentality of relationships is becoming skewed and twisted from going on so many dating app dates. i started going mostly because it was a direct, actionable response for whenever i think, it would be nice to have a significant other. especially in the south, where more than half my co-interns are seriously dating, engaged, married, or married with kids. and i really don't like not trying to fix my problems - because if you don't actively try to do something, then i really don't believe you have any right to complain about it. because obviously you aren't bothered by it enough to change your actions/life. so i go on stranger dates.
and they're all... strangers. it's easy because talking to a stranger is just asking questions. but really what i'm trying to say is that - i think i discard people too easily now. maybe there is something wrong with my brain. unless they are my friend (established and defined), i just feel like i really don't owe them anything. which is fairly callous.
maybe something is wrong with me emotionally. that i can leave people too easily.
Sunday, July 29, 2018
different
there are emotions that fill up your lungs
like a gasp of breath after drowning
the loneliness and uncertainty
feeling like a stranger in this strange, strange world
the tiredness and the exhaustion
of reaching upwards and forwards
wondering what is beyond the solidity of today
and if tomorrow really will
be better.
like a gasp of breath after drowning
the loneliness and uncertainty
feeling like a stranger in this strange, strange world
the tiredness and the exhaustion
of reaching upwards and forwards
wondering what is beyond the solidity of today
and if tomorrow really will
be better.
Saturday, June 16, 2018
Like Liquid
I've been having a lot of thoughts about money this week.
Mostly because I've been spending as if I thought money grew on trees.
I'm a little weirded out by my level of want/need these days. Before I lived with med school roommates, I really did live the minimalist life. That frugal college life that was also impacted by frugal Asian parents that persistently told me to turn off the lights if we left the house to save energy; to keep the temperature high in the summer and low in the winter to keep bills low; to only buy only if you needed it. Did you actually need a toaster? No, you can use your skillet to heat up your bread. Do you need to decorate your room? Nah, you're moving in a year anyway.
But it's like that transition from stupid flip phones to smart phones. It's really, really, really hard to go back. Almost nigh impossible. I have yet to hear of a person who went back to non-smart phones willingly.
And when you "upgrade" your life, it's really hard to go back. I'm used to a lot of house luxuries that apartments may or may not have. And I really don't want to go without.
And I can't tell if that's because I'm spoiled now or because that's a new normal.
And that's the weird, weird thing that I consistently realize. That everyone's normals are completely different. What was my normal five years ago is not my normal now.
But then again, I am no longer in Texas. So of course nothing is completely normal.
----
I am not really homesick.
But more thoughts on that later.
Wednesday, June 6, 2018
Poetry
Unsettled
Your words are like stones
on the river of my heart,
remembered until the ripples fade
and the edges worn smooth
from the number of times
they turn over in my head.
travel
there are times where so much has happened that it becomes vaguely overwhelming to even think about writing it all down in a post. whether for documentation purposes or general memory or sharing or whatever. there is always something lost. experiences get pared down into simple paragraphs, emotions are left unsaid, conversations are skipped over entirely.
nevertheless, i am glad.
i hadn't been back to taiwan in approximately 12 years.
i had a lot of thoughts going back - who wouldn't?
1. it is a bit of an odd feeling to realize that i am simply playing tourist in a place where i have so many family ties. despite going around with my cousins and talking to all my relatives, despite knowing (mostly) knowing the language, i really am american. i really am asian-american. and that combination is whole different thing entirely.
2. it was so, so strange to be around extended family. in america, my family is my nuclear family. i might see second cousins or whatnot, but their presence in my life is fairly fleeting. but in taiwan, hanging around cousins for days made me wonder what it would be like to have a bigger family.
3. and tying into that thought above, this is the first time i realized how much of a decision my parents made to stay in america. they've been here for more than 30 years. longer time than they lived in taiwan. but talking to my uncle, he made a passing comment about how having my dad, his younger brother, leave to america and not return was like losing a right arm (mostly with regards to the family company). and in light of me leaving out of state, my parents have made a much larger move than i ever, ever will. but also. it's one of those perspective moments where i think it must have been very, very hard for them when they first came.
4. taiwan was hot and humid. and it had the most delicious mangoes. i ate mangoes every moment i could. and here's the thing. the food is still like homestyle to me. even though i wrote that i was playing tourist and i don't really belong in taiwan (i don't), the food is comfort food. even going to places like din tai fong or rou xao, all this food is familiar. as if i could belong here if i wanted to. and while my chinese is not great, even in the two weeks, i sometimes had the inkling that maybe i could make it here if i wanted. and of course my uncle continually told my brother and i that we would always have a place to live if we wanted to stay and learn taiwan. it's just one of those things that makes you wonder how much more different your life would be if one thing changed.
5. but then.... there's some family drama around my dad's side of the family company. but as the "american family", we have exactly zero interest in it and completely don't care. so maybe it's better to not have those specific family problems.
6. it was weird how i could see such similarities through my family. the way my dad and uncle are so similarly stubborn about arguments, the ways eyes are shaped. the physical and the non-physical. i hadn't had a chance to realize the ways families can be similar.
7. traveling through taiwan with my cousins was beautiful and lovely and wonderful. we climbed mountains, ate so much food, went bicycling next to the shore, roamed through night markets, went up to taipei 101, drank so much tea, ate desserts, took a ferry, watched the sunset with a huge shaved ice the size of my head. we went to tai chong with my mom's side uncle and walked more mountains, ate the most delicious dessert, had a taste test o the dessert, made the jellies, walked a shore, saw crabs, went to the Sun Moon Lake, watched the sun turn the world into a beautiful painting, shopped. these are the days that i want to remember.
8. japan was..... shrug. i need to go back to experience it differently.
9. i sometimes think that i have not experienced enough. i have not gone to enough countries. i have not traveled enough. i have not seen enough.
9.5 and interlude thought: sometimes i wonder if it's fomo. when i see other people traveling, i feel like i am missing out on life experiences. and then i wonder if i am stagnant as a person if i have not pushed myself to explore and try new things. but then talking to a friend who has the most beautiful instagram photos, she laughing told me how her utterly professionally looking beautiful cake (made of dragonfruit powder for a purple-jellied top over a mango mousse) tasted horrible - but the picture was incredible. so the obvious answer is that photos are hardly representative of true life. and fomo is just made up in your head.
9.7 but i just don't know if i believe it because i do think there is value in experience new things. whether the cake tastes like crap or not, she still made it. whether the trip to ireland or new zealand or thailand or peru was crap, you still went.
10. i am glad to be home. but even coming home is only a temporary transition before my next move.
nevertheless, i am glad.
i hadn't been back to taiwan in approximately 12 years.
i had a lot of thoughts going back - who wouldn't?
1. it is a bit of an odd feeling to realize that i am simply playing tourist in a place where i have so many family ties. despite going around with my cousins and talking to all my relatives, despite knowing (mostly) knowing the language, i really am american. i really am asian-american. and that combination is whole different thing entirely.
2. it was so, so strange to be around extended family. in america, my family is my nuclear family. i might see second cousins or whatnot, but their presence in my life is fairly fleeting. but in taiwan, hanging around cousins for days made me wonder what it would be like to have a bigger family.
3. and tying into that thought above, this is the first time i realized how much of a decision my parents made to stay in america. they've been here for more than 30 years. longer time than they lived in taiwan. but talking to my uncle, he made a passing comment about how having my dad, his younger brother, leave to america and not return was like losing a right arm (mostly with regards to the family company). and in light of me leaving out of state, my parents have made a much larger move than i ever, ever will. but also. it's one of those perspective moments where i think it must have been very, very hard for them when they first came.
4. taiwan was hot and humid. and it had the most delicious mangoes. i ate mangoes every moment i could. and here's the thing. the food is still like homestyle to me. even though i wrote that i was playing tourist and i don't really belong in taiwan (i don't), the food is comfort food. even going to places like din tai fong or rou xao, all this food is familiar. as if i could belong here if i wanted to. and while my chinese is not great, even in the two weeks, i sometimes had the inkling that maybe i could make it here if i wanted. and of course my uncle continually told my brother and i that we would always have a place to live if we wanted to stay and learn taiwan. it's just one of those things that makes you wonder how much more different your life would be if one thing changed.
5. but then.... there's some family drama around my dad's side of the family company. but as the "american family", we have exactly zero interest in it and completely don't care. so maybe it's better to not have those specific family problems.
6. it was weird how i could see such similarities through my family. the way my dad and uncle are so similarly stubborn about arguments, the ways eyes are shaped. the physical and the non-physical. i hadn't had a chance to realize the ways families can be similar.
7. traveling through taiwan with my cousins was beautiful and lovely and wonderful. we climbed mountains, ate so much food, went bicycling next to the shore, roamed through night markets, went up to taipei 101, drank so much tea, ate desserts, took a ferry, watched the sunset with a huge shaved ice the size of my head. we went to tai chong with my mom's side uncle and walked more mountains, ate the most delicious dessert, had a taste test o the dessert, made the jellies, walked a shore, saw crabs, went to the Sun Moon Lake, watched the sun turn the world into a beautiful painting, shopped. these are the days that i want to remember.
8. japan was..... shrug. i need to go back to experience it differently.
9. i sometimes think that i have not experienced enough. i have not gone to enough countries. i have not traveled enough. i have not seen enough.
9.5 and interlude thought: sometimes i wonder if it's fomo. when i see other people traveling, i feel like i am missing out on life experiences. and then i wonder if i am stagnant as a person if i have not pushed myself to explore and try new things. but then talking to a friend who has the most beautiful instagram photos, she laughing told me how her utterly professionally looking beautiful cake (made of dragonfruit powder for a purple-jellied top over a mango mousse) tasted horrible - but the picture was incredible. so the obvious answer is that photos are hardly representative of true life. and fomo is just made up in your head.
9.7 but i just don't know if i believe it because i do think there is value in experience new things. whether the cake tastes like crap or not, she still made it. whether the trip to ireland or new zealand or thailand or peru was crap, you still went.
10. i am glad to be home. but even coming home is only a temporary transition before my next move.
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