holy moly

it's been a crazy few days.

1. Diseases
Pt came in with weight loss of over 20 lbs in the past 2 months (5'3", weights 80 lbs now oh my gosh); a bad cough; etc. Turns out she has tuberculosis.

Yeah. And since I was the first one who saw her and didn't know what she had, I had no mask. I have to now to get checked for TB. Ughh...

2. Boards
Something an attending talked about was DIRECTLY a question. Wow, I love it when this stuff happens!

3. Tired and not sleeping well
I've been getting these weird dreams whenever I have increased real-life-base-level-worriedness. They're always vivid and full of not so fun stuff like car crashes and waking up noon on a workday and getting yelled at by an attending. But also just weird, like dancing on someone's face, trying to get a group of people to feed animals, walking around a miniature desert in a single file line, etc. I dunno. My brain is weird. I could not make this stuff up even if I tried. And it's so vivid. It's just weird.

4. TIRED.

5. (Cont.) evaluations

I never realized how much this could impact me, but it does. I am not one to hold too much stock in what other people say about me unless it's repeated from multiple sources or there's some sort of reason to back up what they're saying. Essentially I have trust the person's words before I accept almost any feedback. 

But reading evaluations from preceptors and attendings and residents is just... Scary. Because what they say, I have to trust that this is how I am coming across in clinic. It's not, "is this true?"  It IS. Because it's about impressions now. It's not about if I actually am this or that. It's if I appear this or that. And that matters. 

Reading positives things makes me uneasily happy. What a weird contradiction. Uneasily happy. Because all those good things, I don't even if they're all actually true. I just appear like so. But at the same time, I am bowled over at how good the words are. And I can almost understand now how people can be so appreciative of compliments. Ugh. Need more time to unpack this thought. Later. 

Easy

Is there anything in life that comes easy?

Grace, you say.
I nod, but what comes after grace is obedience to God's will - which is not, and never will be, easy.

Laughter, perhaps.
Maybe. But for me, social situations are never a matter of rest, but of anticipation and consideration.

Love, then.
I laugh. Never. Love is not easy. It is emotions and responsibility and working through things together. It's dedication and persistence. And is any of that easy?


Selfishness, perhaps, comes easy. And apathy. And all of the negative traits that settle on me like a layer of dust when an object never ever moves.

I suppose sleep comes easy after a long day as well. Or maybe enjoyment. Enjoyment can be easy sometimes.

Everything in life feel difficult right now.
Effort.
Responsibility
I ought to do so.

I envy the people that make it look so effortless. Of course it might not be for them, but all the same.

touch base

went to a dinner party/friend's engagement party. It was a lot of small talk, oh how are you, I haven't seen you in 10 weeks. What rotation are you on, do you like it? Surviving? Any crazy stories?

And so on.

I guess what do you expect when you are in a room full of 3rd year med students.

These are the type of relationships that need this kind of conversation to "touch base".
It's not about how the rest of your life is doing or if your family or friends are doing alright and what else is bothering you.
It's the second layer of conversation. Not the first layer surface talk that doesn't matter at all, but just important enough that it impacts you and yet is still socially appropriate to talk about in a crowd.

I have much to learn about social grace.

Despondent

Feeling despondent and overwhelmed.

Even Philippians 4:13 seems like a distant comfort rather than something I can sink my soul into.

My heart has not learned the secret of being content in any and every situation even if my mind already has.

Future thinking is overwhelming. There is always so much to be done, so much self expectation, so much burden.

Such is life.

It is possible.
It is doable.
It is worth doing.
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Repeat this enough and hopefully it becomes truth instead of platitudes.

-edit-
several hours later...

Doing okay now. See? Emotions are fleeting. It is important to never make lasting decisions in the middle of fluctuating emotional states.

Interlude

Sometimes I wonder if I am stupid or something.

I know, it's that whole "impostor syndrome" where you feel like everyone around has got it down pat and you're the only one who doesn't belong.

But man, I'm feeling it so much these days. I just feel like the gap of knowledge between me and the resident and the attending and heck even the PAs is ridiculous. Or in didactics, I'm just like... am I the only one who didn't know that?

Or why can't I remember things? I know I've learned them, and it is so freaking obvious when the answer is shown. But in the moment, I'm just sitting there and my mind doesn't know where to go.

Am I just an idiot who can't synthesize the material and apply it, while everyone else can? What is going on?

Ugh. I don't like these types of days.


-addendum-
i just need to shut my face.

sometimes i just want to say something because i feel like it's witty or clever - but then it just comes out half mean, half deadpan, and 100% not funny.

Today is just not my day.

Senior Trip, Part II

I am tired but glad. Life is a lot of blessings. I think emotions are labile and everything is fleeting. So that makes this moment -this one, right now- something to be thankful for.

Continued on with this ridiculous transcription of senior trip because if I don't get it done now, I never will.

----
Day 2 - May 4th

Woke up at ~9 AM. Great sleep ^^
Got the continental breakfast with Heaven (eggs, sausage, yogurt, pastry). Dana skipped to shower.

Left the hotel (I tipped) and went straight to Carnival area to drop car & baggage off. Got a little turned around when trying to park/leave baggage, but it all worked out.

Walked out and went to the French quarter.
So beautiful, really~
Street musicians & artists and little niche stores with masks and flowy dresses and fortune telling and art galleries. The street performers like statues, the magicians. All against the backdrop of a worn down city colored brightly with pastels. The crumbling cobblestones and rusted metal. But oh the beauty of the detailed fences and the living greenery and the music playing down the street in lilting strings or soulful blues.
I love it, I love it, I love it.
[French quarter of New Orleans is a beautiful place in my memory. It has a certain old timey feel to it where even the air feels drenched in history and charm and depth. Art and beauty and sleeping dreams. If I could, I would want to go back.]

Went to Cafe Amelie, but the wait was long so we left for the Cathedral Jaucson - a beautiful Catholic church - white and stained glass.

Went back to the cafe and finally got seated after another 20 min wait - whereupon I talked to a friend's friend about politics.
The food was not worth it. Got gumbo, but it was too salty. Still yummy, but not worth the price...

Walked back to the cruise and finally met up with the whole gang as we boarded the ship. [I seem to remember security stopping David because he brought his full water bottle - and then didn't want to "waste water" so he started chugging H20. I remember us joking about Dana's passport and if there was going to be any trouble.]

Just like the last one! Everything is the same! [same as the cruise as the one I went with my family. Down to the very same stairs in the entrance to the lobby areas, so familiar!] We wandered around, stared at things, oriented ourselves, and went to dinner.

Ate so much. Ate escargot and duck; pork chop; and a ton of desserts.
And after, we tried to walk around, but Dana, Aurelia, David, and I sat down to eat fruit, cheese, and tea.

Tired.... a little tired of people. Also I am a little pissed off thoughtful and of the mindset that I'll never ask [this person] for food. I don't think [that person] cares at all. Effort is all I ask. But now I am tired and recharging. Feeling full but happy.

I was so happy in New Orleans. Everything was so beautiful and so inspiring. I hope to remember this.

-later-

Went back to the room to journal, but at around 10 pm, we were scheduled to return to the library to play; but I stayed until 10:30. There, we played Nerts and talked a little. I left moderately early around 12 AM to sleep.

So tired.

-end of second day-

Senior Trip, Part I

It's a little ridiculous, but I've been meaning to type up what I wrote down about senior year of college's senior cruise trip. And I just finished using up the entire journal, so might as well transcribe it now.

----

May 3, 2013 - Day 1 of Senior Trip

Drove 5.5 hrs from Houston to New Orleans with Dana & Heaven. Heaven got us bagels (blueberry with blueberry cream cheese for me). I forgot to keep the logo.

Stopped off at Taco Bell for lunch (and got the $5 box deal with Dorito Taco Locos).

Made it to New Orleans, seeing a ton of trees in the middle of water (Dana kindly pointing out it's a swamp) along the way.

Parked at a strange park location ON the sidewalk & nearly banging my car against a sing & rode off on a shuttle (i.e. school bus) to the Jazzfest.

As 3 girls who don't listen to jazz, we were there for Maroon 5! Dang that man is hot ^^ [I am a little surprised I wrote that. I suspect being influenced by Dana.]

Realized quickly that we should have brought rainboots. There was hardcore mud everywhere. & it was actually windier & colder than I'd expected from almost summer. Walking gingerly aroudn to avoid mud, we wanted to eat. Lol.

Got a crawfish pie, a crawfish enchilada, & a andouille gumbo. Heaven loved the gumbo seafood & strong spices. Yum. Dana mostly ate the crawfish enchilada (too cheesy for Heaven). I like the gumbo too :)

Got to the concert area for Maroon 5 early and ohmygosh the people. Traffic >.< Just like getting out of Houston. We used our asian small girls power to squeeze through but stopped because of the mud. Ack.... so much mud. We were literally sinking when we stood still. Thank heavens - I love platform flip flops.

I ran back out to go use the restroom (re: porta-potty) & came back with white chocolate bread pudding & crawfish strudel. Good, but probably should have got the gumbo again. [... isn't it "gotten? What is wrong with my grammar?]

But when I got back to the same place... they were gone >.<
So saddd.
Tried calling/texting, but no signal. I just stood around with food in one hand, phone in the other, always going on tip-toes to look for 2 asian girls.

Finally! spotted them after a good 15 minutes sigh. [I also seem to remember dropping my phone in the mud around here too. Was wiping mud off my phone for days after.]

And the concert started!

He sings really well (not as good as Bruno Mars, but still).
But we kept sinking... stupid mud.

Loved it, except for the tall people in front waving their arms and taking pictures.

Left. Not as muddy as I thought as we would turn out.

Went to Zoe's kitchen for dinner even though not hungry.

Chicken rolls were pretty good. Heaven added too much vinegar balsamic to her salad -> she hates sour things. Dana stuffed her face so she can't even remember what she ate (steak sandwich).

Left to the movies to see Ironman 3. So Good!

Back to hotel (Best Westin) to crash and shower. Ah, great start!
Can't wait for the rest ot get here.
And a whole bed to myself! ^^

Cheers to a great fantastic trip! & praying for other's safety when getting here.

-end of first day-