hair catastrophe

Had a hair incident in which I ended up losing probably more than a foot of hair.

Regardless, I am almost apathetic about my hair... which is really weird because I used to cry over hair cuts. In a weird way, these days I've been thinking about my body as just a vessel to get the things I need to do done. Just feed it and water it a bit and make sure it doesn't get hurt, but otherwise, what does it really matter what happens if hair is short or long, if it's tall or short, if there are eleven fingers, or random moles. What does it really matter. As long as it's healthy and functional. Somehow I don't think these are exactly normal thoughts though.

Went to a gym and they gave me a fitness test. In which they called me "skinny fat". Thanks. 22% body fat, thank you very much. But it's probably true. I definitely don't have enough muscle mass to be at peak functionality. They talked about calorie intake to help increase lean mass gain. .... I honestly don't think I eat enough for real "gainz". O.o But maybe I should calorie count? Except it's so darn annoying.

Half thinking about doing 5x5 or something like that. Now, to just get over the shyness of using the weight lifting section of the gym. I wish I got into weight lifting in college, tbh.

But the point is this: the body is just a vessel.

Birthday

Yay I'm 26 now. I certainly don't feel it. I think of myself still as... 23 maybe? Out of college, but barely. Regardless, I'm on the other side of my twenties now, and isn't that strange. But such is life and such is time and everything keeps on moving regardless if you do or do not.

I had a pretty lovely day. Went to happy hour with friends and got a free drink and free cake from the waiter (!). Seriously though, is it because I wore make up? If I think back on the times I've gotten free things (not including job fair-esque free stuff lol), it's because there was some form of make up. Would a guy have gotten a free drink? I wonder.

A friend also baked me a cake. She's so talented. Earl grey cake. Soooo delicious. And presents. And well wishes. And messages.

Gah. I feel positively loved. Because birthdays really aren't that special in my mind. It's just another day, isn't it? But having even people come to happy hour to wish me happy birthday is really, really sweet. And if I compare this birthday to last year, gah the difference is immense.

I think I need to learn how to give better gifts. Everybody likes receiving something, right? Clearly this is one of those love languages that I have neglected from my end.

---

I have a fig tree in my backyard now. I am seriously in love. I want a fruit tree in all of my backyards now! I want a hammock in my backyard!

I love just walking outside and picking a couple of ripe figs and eating them within minutes. Sun ripened, soft and sweet, the curl of seeds a pale pink when you bite into the center. Gosh, the perfect snack when I don't feel like preparing anything.

---

I have roof access. I sorta love it. I really, really like sitting on roof tops. There is something about heights. Whether it's perching on the kitchen counter top or climbing up ladders that weren't put away yet, I just want to sit somewhere high. Sitting on the roof... you stare down at the world from a higher perspective, you can lie back and watch the clouds, or you can just enjoy sitting and watch the birds on the fig tree. I want to bring tea and book out there soon.

---

Analogies never work.

Anyone can say
Life is like a free cosmopolitan, or
Life is a never ending race, or
Age is like fine wine, or
Age is like fruit on a tree, or
whatever the hell you want.

Sometimes it just is what it is.

These Days

These days are all about the searching.

The search
for meaning
for beauty
for mercy and grace
for God
and his hand in life and what is moving
for peace and acceptance
for joy
for satisfaction in the things i do
for comfort and warmth

I am searching for all these things daily. Even when I am talking to friends, or walking down the stairs to the fridge of this new place. It's all a reminder, it's a new territory.

There is so much beauty in the world. After Alaska, I think that all the more. Snow covered mountains that stretch across the entire horizon, the crisp air and chill at my fingertips, the mist of the clouds hanging so low, the waves underneath my feet, the sunset turning the entire sky orange and reflecting off the ocean for miles and miles, the spray of ocean. I just wanted to close my eyes and turn my head towards the sky and soak it all in until these moments are buried in my heart. Because oh, the world is worth it. Because there is still beauty and lovely things to be seen.  

Poetry

...Don’t you ever feel
like you’re just
a story someone is telling
about someone like you?...

- What the Dragon Said: A Love Story, by Catherynne Valente

kinship

I have the greatest friends. I don't know how many times I can reiterate that without sounding like a fool. But I really do.

Why are people so amazing?

I've also said this multiple times, but a person who reads my bookshelf will know me better than I could ever express in words.

But talking about books with someone who also reads is just ugh some of the best conversations.

I imagine it would be for anyone who has similar hobbies. Like music.

Happiness

if i reflect on what is happiness,
what do i imagine.

the happiest day of my life, which one would i choose?
the happiest moment, what would that be?

emotions are so unreliable.

we cannot go chasing after emotions for an every lasting high.

there will never be a moment so happy that i can bask in that forever.
... can there be?

but does that mean i shouldn't be looking for happiness?

i want to be loved by more than God.

YES. isn't that blasphemy. To say that God is not enough for me. Why can't I have more?

Am I made of too much of this world now?

How is God enough to sustain
when i want to love and be loved and be respected and all these ridiculous emotions.

The world isn't fair. I already knew that.
But I still linger on that barest brush of hope - that there still might be happiness in store for me too.

God doesn't promise happiness. You know he doesn't. He promises to be the wind underneath your wings, to clothe you like the lilies of the valley, to know your name, to know how many hairs you have on your head, and that he is there. That he listens. And that if you drink of him, he will not leave you thirsty. That there will be a heaven, a place for you if you believe. He will be your daily bread. He will King of Kings and the alpha and the omega.

But God. Does. Not. Promise. Happiness.

and i am so tired of being unhappy.

Oh but Karen, what would make you happy. Happiness is not lasting. If you find a boy, if you have a great job, if you travel the world, if you have all these - even then, how do you know you will be happy?

I don't know.
I don't know.

But I still want it.
Is that okay?

God. How can you be enough for me when I want so much?

Quick thoughts

1. Casual friends.
It's hard for me to have them.

2. Love languages.
Obviously words of affirmation (if I believe you) and quality time. But I like touch more than I realized in my college years.

3. Curiosity.
Can kill the cat. But I am trying really hard to not be too interrogative or nosy.
.... I fail a lot of the times.

4. OSCEs
It was actually really good. I am surprised how much I think I needed to do that type of simulation.
Medical Errors. Autopsy. Consent. Family Discussion.

5. Beauty and the Beast
Not as feminist as I thought it was. But the songs are just as great.

6. Stress
Stressed out, more than I realized. Something about bootcamp, volunteering, and extra classes. Ugh, I shouldn't be this stressed, but I still am. Fix me, please.
Touching on that... am getting tension headaches almost daily now -___-" why does my body do this.

7. Groups.
I have a bad habit of ups and downs. Where upon I felt like I didn't have enough people interaction. And thus aimed to correct it by scheduling a lot of activities with different subgroups of friends. And now I feel like I am committed to too many groups now. Which is a very odd feeling now because I think too many things are getting double booked, or I have to say no.

8. Eating healthy.
Gained 5ish lbs from Fredericksburg. Mostly because I didn't cook at all. Then I put off shopping for 2 weeks. Yay me. Now I went grocery shopping. Ugh now I have to cook

9. Is God good?
The ultimate question.
God does not promise you a "good" life. He does not promise you a "successful" life.
It is a hard pill to swallow.

10. .... I need to learn to how to casual.