The long road

I find myself eternally tired these days.
Haha what a flashback to junior year second semester.
But even more so, it feels like. :O
The horrible knowledge of feeling guilty when I sleep more than 5 hours a day because that's just less time I'm up and doing something. Breaks are naps instead of fun because that's more productive.

There's always more to study, there really is. It's like being eternally behind.

And it slowly dawned on me today, without realizing it, that for the past few weeks, God has slowly shrunk in my life from my goal and purpose and foundation to a hypothetical. As in, ah yes he's my Lord and Savior, but it's not like he can really help me memorize these cranial nerves and pathways any faster.
I am committing the the mistake of putting the urgent in front of the important.
And the stupid thing is I knew this coming in.
I already knew it'd be hard, that this would probably happen, that I'd get tired and med school is the place where most people have their "driest" years.
And of course it still happens. And I am still taken off guard.
I've gone from actively looking for fellowship to resigning myself to hopefully find one in the future if it perchance falls in my lap because of tests, tests, tests.
Ridiculous. Ridiculous if I take a step back and look at what I'm doing.
Makes total sense if I focus on the moment.

I don't know myself well enough.
That is definitely one thing that I have learned so far here. 

Let the space between where I want to be and who I am inspire me.

Because, gracious, that space is enormous.