faith in seeds

it's been pretty disheartening the past few days and i just can't seem to be getting over this freaking hump and it's a hump that won't seem to go away, just like a camel's back that always follows him around no matter how hard he tries to lose it. it's a pain and i'm a mess, but of course i can always put up a freaking excellent front because that's what i do. i'll talk smooth and mention the easy let-go weaknesses that shows how much i'm aware of the problems and then the listener accepts and moves on. no need to say anymore. no need, right? it's a nightmare, it's a problem, because i don't even know how to fix any of this stuff. i don't know and did i think it was so easy in the past because i had logic in my back pocket. just whip it out and write a pros and cons list and make a decision and done. done. no problems. just a decision and direction to move towards. but here i'm just struggling and crumpling up my decisions like badly written drafts and just tossing them into the trashcan. and then half a week later, pick it out of the trash, amongst the rotten banana peels and the empty bowls of instant ramen because i'm too freaking tired to figure out my own life, and then smooth out the darned decision and go over it again. and again. until i realize just how easy it is to be indecisive and to let it go and let it keep on going. because isn't it easier to just close your eyes and focus on the immediate? isn't it freaking easier to focus on that deadline tomorrow and get your crap done rather than figure out what is important and make sure that is good and solid?
life is just a huge hump. but we make mountains out of molehills and i think mine is probably just five steps of a staircase, maybe. not even, to be honest, in the grand scheme of things. but for me, it's not about the grand scheme of things because it's about what's happening right now.
and isn't that the problem? that i'm living in the past and the immediate present. i'm living in a time that i'm holding too tightly onto the past and ignoring the future. i'm putting on blinders like a horse that would shied at scary things and focusing on the immediate present rather than the future.
and right now the future is where i need to be focusing, because all of this is worth nothing.
it is only a chasing after the wind.
so i've told myself over and over.
everything falls apart. haven't i already learned these lessons before? haven't i already tasted enough bitterness and humble pie and restlessness of my own heart? i cannot even trust myself. i, who had not trusted others, could not even trust myself. what a tragedy. what a disaster. what a failure.
and what a direction for God to work in.
except i keep on banging my head against my own created walls expecting to move forward. and i hit a block. another block. until i really just want to give up trying because it's easier to avoid the wall, right? that's logical. that reasonable. except i know the path is in that direction. but how the hell am i supposed to go forward with a freaking wall in front of me.
except obviously it was my own wall in the first place.
it doesn't work like that. metaphors don't work in life. i try to make it work because sometimes they help. sometimes they are lovely. sometimes they are poetic. and sometimes they are crap.
and sometimes you feel like crap.
i feel like crap. i could pretty it up however much i wanted. oh i feel miserable but i am glad that la la la la blah blah. oh it's been hard but y'know i'm grateful that this and da dee da.
do we all just wait until someone we trust asks how we're doing? if i were watching myself i would tell self to just freaking go up to the person you trust and say hey i'm having a problem.
the problem.
the problem.
i can name it. i can say a couple things. they would be true. i think. they would be true, and they might be hard, but they aren't the heart of any freaking thing. because all of it is nuances. i'd probably brush it into large categories and say something about fellowship and people and workload and frustration of expectations and disappointment and human fallibility, which i totally thought was spelled falliability. but i'm glad that's a word because it should be a word since everybody is. but that's all besides the point because i'm doing exactly as i would do and as i have been doing. i've been doing and doing. putting things in boxes and finding a solution and going forward. oh well, yeah. problem solved.
so why are there still problems. why are there still problems that cannot be solved.
because people.
because freaking people.
because a man is not an island, as that overly used quote goes. because people are not put into formulas or functions that output exactly what you expect. case in point my mom gave my mini-oreos when i asked for oreos. but the reason i asked was because i totally stole my roommate's oreos after a midnight craving and wanted to replace them. ugh, now i am officially an oreo thief. while still having in my own possession mini oreos but didn't that just go to show that i couldn't even realize my mom wouldn't output what i thought was input. a request for oreos. mini oreos obtained. object wanted not received. end result. problematic.
this end result is problematic. this is problematic. i am not even being rational as i attempt to write an easy blog about a situation i haven't mentioned at this point. i was supposed to be writing down feelings and emotions and things that sweep across your body like afferent nerves because those make you feel things. and what a fool i am to make a medical reference when the very thing i've been lamenting is related. it's easy to laugh than to sob. easy to poke fun than to be serious. easier to smile and nod and pretend that things are going well than say not.
but that's just the thing. things aren't not not going well, just not going well. if i didn't think too hard in the future, if i just concentrated on the now, then none of this would be an issue.
i am such a obfuscator, which is not a word, but really should be one because i think it fits. who can say things plain and simple who doesn't hide behind a mask. and we say we don't need to because God already accepted us as we are why do we hide. why do we hide.
i hide. long time ago i prayed for a girl who was my best friend and i think i still have the prayers written out in some old file just because. long time ago. and then distance. and realization that friendships don't always last. and i just let it go. easily. more easily than letting a balloon string go. no problem. until we meet again. and now, not from my doing or impact, she will visit a church on her own. those who plow the soil. those who plant the seeds. those who water the garden. those who watch it grow. or am i the lazy worker who just bums around watches others work.
let me rail against my own laziness because i can recognize it. just like i recognize delegation issues and patience issues. but why is it so possible so easy to let it be and let it fester and just sit on my shoulder. a never ending fight because it isn't about just winning once against, but about the next moment and the next and the next day. and it just doesn't stop.
life is a hump. i am just a tired student who is sick of walking over bumps. or maybe i'm just a lazy hearted student who can't put forth enough effort to walk over the tiny lump in the hill. or maybe i'm just a soul weary and unknowingly let everything slide out of my hands when i shut my eyes for the past few months. or maybe i'm just being dramatic and letting words wander where they will. i cannot even trust myself to tell the truth. or is it just different faces of the truth.
but today, as marked as i am by failure and disappointment and stress and burden and people, how can i not praise God that there is someone seeking him that had not been before. i don't trust myself at all anymore. to touch seeds for my future or for anyone else's, much less plow the ground and plant and water and harvest and all the steps in between that is real instead of just silly metaphor. but i guess i can trust God.

an answered prayer from ages ago.