Meditation.

It's been hard on my faith.

Maybe I metaphor a little too much, but I told someone "I can give God my heart and soul, but I almost want to say that I can't give him my mind". He can have my love and be the one that guides my morality and actions and truth, but I don't have time to spare for him. (I know, I know, heart soul and mind doesn't translate to that exactly, but roll with me here). I can't think about God all day or meditate upon his words. I need my mind to memorize this and that and study and all of this. I don't have time or space in my mind for any more of him.

So I reluctantly carved out a small bit of brain-space for God and left him there, cramped and stuck. "You stay there, God. Be good, don't move please. I need to go study now. I'll come back when I can."

I have just enough of God in my life. But I can't give him anymore than I have. And aren't I generous for giving him that much already? I'm doing fine as a Christian, yesiree.

And then at the first service of the year, we had communion. And it was all "what can wash away you sins?", "come as you are", "sinner come kneel", "a thousand blessings", and "nothing but the blood of Jesus",

And as I took the bread, the man holding the basket told me "the body of Christ". I moved forward to dip it in the cup of wine, and the lady holding the cup whispered to me with a smile "the blood he shed for you".

Oh God, why do you knock on the walls that I've built around your little corner in my head? Aren't you comfortable there? Do you really need that much more space, that much more of me?

And then at the first small group of the year, we read 1 John 4. In which it was all "we abide in him and he in us" and "love comes from God" and this:
"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."

Dear God, I love so selfishly.

What I am trying to say is that I don't want to be complacent with my faith. Happy with just this amount. Small group, church, a few verses a day. And then leave the rest of my week alone. I don't want to be complacent. Or, I mean, technically I do - because it would be so much easier.
But I don't.