how to write without being embarrassed,
how to say words from the heart without feeling vulnerable,
how to love and long and dream and feel without drowning.
didn't you know? there is a longing in everyone's soul.
for love, to be known, for someone or something to fill a God shaped hole.
it is not enough to think, not enough to be.
where is the growth? where is the desire? where is the want?
words are not enough.
feelings are not enough.
actions are only one part of the equation.
to reach for: generosity. kindness. love.
to remember: trust, vulnerability, community.
to be: true.
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Friday, January 16, 2015
Goals and pondering thoughts
Small group thoughts:
What a different group of girls we all are. I think, in all honesty, it makes it much harder for me to open up more vulnerably. It's not even a conscious thing. Just an underlying feeling of unease, where I am still measuring what words to say and how the group will respond. Whereas in another group, in which I know that there is more similarity in thought processes, I might feel greater urge to share other thoughts.
So I am blessed for having such a group of girls in the past where sharing came more easily. And now blessed for being able to grow without that kind of initial bond of familiarity. I must put in more effort to connect.
I am starting to also see how my responsibilities shape my interactions. Duty. Responsibility. How many times do I have repeat that?
When there is no lines to say and an undefined part given, I tend to lurk in the background. I must not see myself as a bystander, or a receiver, but a giver.
Goals:
I have been slacking on this. My mantra was just "survive". Which is really no goal at all.
I said a goal in sg today, and hopefully I can learn this year and not just float downstream.
What a different group of girls we all are. I think, in all honesty, it makes it much harder for me to open up more vulnerably. It's not even a conscious thing. Just an underlying feeling of unease, where I am still measuring what words to say and how the group will respond. Whereas in another group, in which I know that there is more similarity in thought processes, I might feel greater urge to share other thoughts.
So I am blessed for having such a group of girls in the past where sharing came more easily. And now blessed for being able to grow without that kind of initial bond of familiarity. I must put in more effort to connect.
I am starting to also see how my responsibilities shape my interactions. Duty. Responsibility. How many times do I have repeat that?
When there is no lines to say and an undefined part given, I tend to lurk in the background. I must not see myself as a bystander, or a receiver, but a giver.
Goals:
I have been slacking on this. My mantra was just "survive". Which is really no goal at all.
I said a goal in sg today, and hopefully I can learn this year and not just float downstream.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Meditation.
It's been hard on my faith.
Maybe I metaphor a little too much, but I told someone "I can give God my heart and soul, but I almost want to say that I can't give him my mind". He can have my love and be the one that guides my morality and actions and truth, but I don't have time to spare for him. (I know, I know, heart soul and mind doesn't translate to that exactly, but roll with me here). I can't think about God all day or meditate upon his words. I need my mind to memorize this and that and study and all of this. I don't have time or space in my mind for any more of him.
So I reluctantly carved out a small bit of brain-space for God and left him there, cramped and stuck. "You stay there, God. Be good, don't move please. I need to go study now. I'll come back when I can."
I have just enough of God in my life. But I can't give him anymore than I have. And aren't I generous for giving him that much already? I'm doing fine as a Christian, yesiree.
And then at the first service of the year, we had communion. And it was all "what can wash away you sins?", "come as you are", "sinner come kneel", "a thousand blessings", and "nothing but the blood of Jesus",
And as I took the bread, the man holding the basket told me "the body of Christ". I moved forward to dip it in the cup of wine, and the lady holding the cup whispered to me with a smile "the blood he shed for you".
Oh God, why do you knock on the walls that I've built around your little corner in my head? Aren't you comfortable there? Do you really need that much more space, that much more of me?
And then at the first small group of the year, we read 1 John 4. In which it was all "we abide in him and he in us" and "love comes from God" and this:
"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."
Dear God, I love so selfishly.
What I am trying to say is that I don't want to be complacent with my faith. Happy with just this amount. Small group, church, a few verses a day. And then leave the rest of my week alone. I don't want to be complacent. Or, I mean, technically I do - because it would be so much easier.
But I don't.
Maybe I metaphor a little too much, but I told someone "I can give God my heart and soul, but I almost want to say that I can't give him my mind". He can have my love and be the one that guides my morality and actions and truth, but I don't have time to spare for him. (I know, I know, heart soul and mind doesn't translate to that exactly, but roll with me here). I can't think about God all day or meditate upon his words. I need my mind to memorize this and that and study and all of this. I don't have time or space in my mind for any more of him.
So I reluctantly carved out a small bit of brain-space for God and left him there, cramped and stuck. "You stay there, God. Be good, don't move please. I need to go study now. I'll come back when I can."
I have just enough of God in my life. But I can't give him anymore than I have. And aren't I generous for giving him that much already? I'm doing fine as a Christian, yesiree.
And then at the first service of the year, we had communion. And it was all "what can wash away you sins?", "come as you are", "sinner come kneel", "a thousand blessings", and "nothing but the blood of Jesus",
And as I took the bread, the man holding the basket told me "the body of Christ". I moved forward to dip it in the cup of wine, and the lady holding the cup whispered to me with a smile "the blood he shed for you".
Oh God, why do you knock on the walls that I've built around your little corner in my head? Aren't you comfortable there? Do you really need that much more space, that much more of me?
And then at the first small group of the year, we read 1 John 4. In which it was all "we abide in him and he in us" and "love comes from God" and this:
"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."
Dear God, I love so selfishly.
What I am trying to say is that I don't want to be complacent with my faith. Happy with just this amount. Small group, church, a few verses a day. And then leave the rest of my week alone. I don't want to be complacent. Or, I mean, technically I do - because it would be so much easier.
But I don't.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Beans
I am such an idiot. Got lured in by the big 50% off sticker on the front. And now I have 2 lbs of French beans. TWO POUNDS. I just got finished sautéing about .5 lbs and that enough for two meals... Ughh. Right they're pretty tasty, but I'm dreading the end result of this spontaneous buy....
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Not a real post
Just wanted to muse about how old I am feeling.
Ate dinner with some family friends and a couple of friends of my parents who have kids so they sit at the dinner table with me at the "kids" table, if you can call a bunch of 20-something yos kids (and that's a run-on description, but whatever).
Youngest was a college sophomore, in which he asked all of us already-graduated "kids" college questions. Y'know, best classes to take, what did you learn the most, how fellowship impacted you, how many people do you still keep in touch with, etc...
Immediately felt old.
That is all.
And if I don't post again anytime soon, Merry Christmas.
Ate dinner with some family friends and a couple of friends of my parents who have kids so they sit at the dinner table with me at the "kids" table, if you can call a bunch of 20-something yos kids (and that's a run-on description, but whatever).
Youngest was a college sophomore, in which he asked all of us already-graduated "kids" college questions. Y'know, best classes to take, what did you learn the most, how fellowship impacted you, how many people do you still keep in touch with, etc...
Immediately felt old.
That is all.
And if I don't post again anytime soon, Merry Christmas.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Poetry
http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/bluebird/
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?
Charles Bukowski
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Really Freaking Fascinating
Have to share a really freaking fascinating article here.
I'm sure you've heard of the poor who live under $1 a day. But what the heck does that actually mean?
This article covers all that and more. Yes, it's a little dry and long and it has more numbers and stats and data than buzzfeed or huffington's post. But holy moly, it really makes things more clear.
It talks about entertainment, choices, calories per dollar distribution, family size, business ventures, and more. Much much more.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2638067/
I'm sure you've heard of the poor who live under $1 a day. But what the heck does that actually mean?
This article covers all that and more. Yes, it's a little dry and long and it has more numbers and stats and data than buzzfeed or huffington's post. But holy moly, it really makes things more clear.
It talks about entertainment, choices, calories per dollar distribution, family size, business ventures, and more. Much much more.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2638067/
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