reminisce

when i was a kid -i dunno, maybe eight or nine years old- there was a period of time where I would be excited every time it rained. Because it meant that I would be able to go out and run around in the rain in the backyard. Maybe my memory is figment of my imagination all wrapped in rose-colored haze, but I feel like I really do remember those moments. Randomly running in circles, getting grass and mud all the way up the back of my calves, hair drenched until water is running down in rivulets, and of course me just giddy and out of breath from running so much.

of course, this was when texas was in drought season and there was no rain for over 90 days or something crazy like that. so instead of running in the rain, i'd go outside whenever the sprinkles went off. jumping over the little black sprinklers, half trying to avoid the water, but not really - because that's all the fun anyway. and of course going back inside, wet and laughing and covered in grass and dirt to my mom shaking her head and pushing me towards the shower.

it doesn't matter. sitting in the library right now, next to the window - i literally just watched a storm start. from a few pitter patter sounds, to a startling boom of thunder, and then a torrential flood of rain. in the span of a few minutes, i watched the sky turn from sun-drenched yellow with a haze of clouds into the gray-blue of overcast clouds with a belly full of rain.

have you ever had that feeling? where you look at something and you think, oh yeah, i used to do something silly and fun. now i just kind of sigh and think about getting wet walking back to my car.

i want to go run in the rain.

Post wedding passing thought: sampler pack

Not really a post wedding recap, just a passing thought. 

It was really great seeing so many people that I haven't seen since college. But it's like a sampler pack - too many and only just a little taste. I wish I could have a real conversation with so many people there. Dude. I could have had so many hour long conversations with SO many people. Argh. But the extent of the conversations were so minimal, it's almost just like making an appearance, or reminding people that you still exist. 

It's like so many missed opportunities/possibilities. Yeah yeah I know I had bridal party duties, but still. I wish, you know? 

I wonder if this is how it feels in the post college life. Each opportunity to sit down, talk, catch up just passes you by because there's so many people you'd like to do that with and so little time. And then obligations too and then other parts of life. And then each time you see them, you promise yourself you'll catch up with them or send a message to see how they're doing. I mean, really doing. Not just that bullcrap I'm doing okay, life is fine. But maybe you don't. And then you see them again at another sampler pack gathering type of reunion where it's all hi and I've missed you so much let's catch up next time. And maybe you don't. 

And is this how connections fizzle out instead of breaking? 

Yeah, of course there's the whole "you grow out of your friends" thing. But this... This is more of life trampling over it all, a pinch of laziness, a large dose of different priorities, and a huge bucket of effort. 

Or maybe it's just that you have to accept that you have only so much energy for a few key friends in your life, and it's okay to give up the possibilities and half tentative friendships. Priorities? 

It's still a little sad. 

golden rule

passing thought (not fully fleshed out):
the weird thing about the golden rule ("treat others as you would yourself") is that it sorta doesn't take into account empathy, sometimes.

Everybody has different standards of how they want to be treated.
Some people think traveling to see a friend is a given or no big deal. Or opening up your house is easy. Or giving life updates frequently. Or being in near-constant communication. Or being invited to all the activities. It's not always friendship either. Even random acquaintances. If you want to be approached, if you want to be left alone. If you want someone to pry, if you want silence or space.

So now the thinking diverges into two different paths. One, how I view a relationships if they cannot do the things I would do for them. And two, how my friends actually want to be treated (i.e. if they would actually appreciate the things I appreciate).

The first thought is, admittedly, slightly.... restrictive? in the sense that you expect something. "I put in this, I get this out". I travel to see you, you travel to see me.
Maybe. Maybe not. After all, a friendship is strongest when it's a two way street.

The second thought touches more, perhaps, on love languages. How you want to receive love, how you give love, what you treasure more.


... okay. No real point. Just a passing thought.

si tu savais

Rain

It's raining here. Hard rain, where the thunder rumbles through the thin walls and the sounds of raindrops are more like angry knocks at the door than a soft lull of white noise. The whole apartment complex is silent. Even the baby in the apartment below isn't screaming anymore. The couple that bickers about finances in the room behind my wall are quiet. All the world is just rain, pouring down around me. 

A moment to reflect

Finished with academics, jumping (drowning) into STEP study, went back home, had an ice/snow day, got some future crap figured out, etc etc etc

Anyway. 

Sermon today was about Abram and Sarai and how Sarai didn't believe God when he said that they would have kids and blah blah billions of stars and grains of sand and all that. And then here is what she did: She took matters into her own hands and told Abram to try and conceive with Hagar so that she might be able to raise up her maidservant's kid as hers to fulfill God's promise to her.

[Interject a quick annoyed note about how I really dislike how the pastor talked about Abram/Adam listening to their wives, which ended up as sin because it came off incredibly sexist. Like... "goes to show you what happens when you listen to your wife! hur hur hur! Just kidding! That was just a joke!" ....Just no. Are you freaking kidding me? Just rawr. But whatever. I can look past this to see important stuff.]

Okay yeah, but still. Powerful stuff. Because that saying that "God helps those who helps themselves". I think a lot of independent/self-sufficient/on-top-of-things people half believe it. ... I do, sorta (with qualifications, obviously). Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'd rather have a decision made rather wait around for a sign or two that may or may not be smoke and mirrors.

But this idea that Sarai took matters into her own hands and did something completely rational (in their culture/time), and was completely, utterly wrong. It's almost heart breaking for me because I get it. It's so logical, this thought process. "I'm barren. Can't have kids. God promises kids. Hagar can have kids and her kid will legally be mine/ours to raise. Problem solved." I can't even understand, sometimes, the old testament. Abraham is praised all the way through to the New Testament ("and it is counted to him as righteousness") for putting his own son to the knife. Sarai does something logical and she is tsked at and shamed for not trusting God. Ah my gosh, I totally feel for her. 

.... sometimes I look at it and I'm just agog at how irrational it all seems. To sell all your possessions and buy a single pearl. To "throw your life away" just for the kingdom of heaven. Choose to wait rather than to act. To believe that God fulfills promises - as (literally) crazy as they sound. To have faith. Let me just say that again. To have faith. Sigh. 

And here's the thing. God's promises aren't solely relegated to the people in the Bible. But for me as well. (and for you, I guess, but I'm writing about me here... so for me). And here's what I've been trying to get at. Do I trust enough that God fulfills those promises? That he is there if I knock, that he knew me from the womb and will be the wind beneath my wings or that I don't need to worry about tomorrow, and all those other promises he said that he will provide? That I will never go thirsty if I drink this water? 

Indecisive

I'm glad that there are people in my life that I can be stupid around. Or go to with stupid problems and be reassured that it's not that stupid (..... even though I kinda still think it is lol). 

---

On a deeper, tangent to that - it just goes to show you that whatever you value (the most?) in yourself is always what you try to present to people. And it's the ones that you can let your hair down around, or let loose, or just be stupid without afraid of being mocked - that you can trust.