After a crazy whirlwind week (an event, a quiz, a transmodule, a midterm), I am finally getting some time to breathe. But not too much, because there are still many more things to do. (club meetings, applications, emails, fifth week, hosting? etc).
So, slept two hours, finished midterm (not bad, but i really could have known more stuff), watched a musical and a movie with kiera, went to go do club activities for 2 hrs. And by then, we pre-decided that we were feeling social enough to host a dinner party. It was really quite fun and I am vaguely amused at the turnout of people.
Definitely over-thought about the composition of people and who would get along with the others and if it would be fun and what could we talk about and eat and drink and stuff... ugh, I am amazing at over-thinking.
And then finally we decided to post on fb about it after all.
I completely suck at having different groups of my friends together. One on one is great - you can dig deep and talk about all sorts of stuff and empathize and understand. A group sometimes feels like nine on one. Sometimes. Because it's no longer about understanding, it's about entertaining. Are people feeling welcomed, is everyone talking, is anyone uncomfortable, has everyone eaten and drank enough, are there enough seats, does everyone get along, does everyone like this game? And that's just for the people coming! For myself, do I play the hostess, or do I joke and carry the conversation, or maybe the topic is straying to medical school too much and I ought to include the spouses in some other discussion, or introduce a new game, how to fill the silence, or tell a funny situation to the group. I need to think up of stock situations that are interesting to keep as storage for empty silences. Am I thoughtful or am I joking around? Do I initiate more intimate conversation with a bored single person or continue to talk with the entire group? Who to draw attention to, who to lessen the spotlight? At least give everyone a few moments to speak and make their presence feel important. Smile and share eye contact with a bored person to maintain feeling of a shared connection of an inside joke.
Those are the least of the thoughts running through my head before and during. And after, as I'm trying to figure out if it went well and what didn't and if I would do anything different for the next time.
I am amazing at over-thinking.
But I think it went well, sort of. There are definitely things that could have been done better. I think some of the eh problem was the personalities that came. Seriously, from five different friend groups. I've never balanced so many collisions before. Even one collision is hard. But it was okay because it was more like an introduction from everyone (and everyone just knew me). Hum. That makes it sound like I was the center. No, not the case. I just knew everyone somewhat.
I didn't expect one of them to act ummm differently when tipsy, one of them to even come, another to be mostly silent, and etc. I am really, really impressed and grateful for phil though. He is just really empathetic and able to mirror emotions - he has the right amount of personality to move slightly crass situations along and make the right jokes at just the right time. To make people feel comfortable. I am just really impressed. But I think it is an inherent (extrovert??) quality, not a learned one (despite how much I attempt to learn those types of skills). But I will try anyway.
Overall, success. Sangria and pizza and artichoke/spinach dip and sweet dessert. Interesting conversation (with a few cringe moments, but not from me). A lot of get-to-know-you's. A life update from a friend. A connection made between the non-med school ppl. It's good. And I'm not a hermit like the rest of days.
Again, I am too competitive with hardcore games - but ahh it's just too much fun!
fishbowl:
cerulean
discus
easter egg
fable
feet
ferrari
cup
pitch
penguin
boom, three word associations. short term memory - activate!
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On duty:
I am most frustrated with people when I believe there is responsibility or duty. And I honestly think there is duty in a friendship. Perhaps even more so in a Christian friendship. So when people don't fulfill their (or my expected of them) duty, I am just frustrated because I don't know if they don't feel like putting in the effort or it's not important to them or they're just lazy or don't care or what. And if it's not important to them, ugh. I'm offended - probably because I care. The feeling I'm left with is something like: you ought to have done that. Why didn't you?
It's not even an unspoken duty - it was clearly laid out and agreed with by everyone for the week. Ugh. If it were unspoken, I wouldn't be as frustrated because sometimes people just don't hear what you hear or read between the lines. But it was clearly stated.
And then ignored. two of them!! that's 40%. ughhh
I am patient (this is me encouraging myself). I can be patient and understanding. I will be patient and understanding and try to put myself in their shoes and understand that maybe it was just more of a burden than I see it.
(I can be patient, but I honestly think my esteem of them drops a little because I think, oh this is how you are)
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random insert:
had to buy oreos and artichokes and cheetos and a whole bunch of other things. ended up getting a "free" thing of coffee because the cashier forgot to put in through the belt and I already paid and the line behind me was huge. convenience is the key...
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