Not a real post

Just wanted to muse about how old I am feeling.

Ate dinner with some family friends and a couple of friends of my parents who have kids so they sit at the dinner table with me at the "kids" table, if you can call a bunch of 20-something yos kids (and that's a run-on description, but whatever).

Youngest was a college sophomore, in which he asked all of us already-graduated "kids" college questions. Y'know, best classes to take, what did you learn the most, how fellowship impacted you, how many people do you still keep in touch with, etc...

Immediately felt old.

That is all.

And if I don't post again anytime soon, Merry Christmas.

Poetry

http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/bluebird/

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you? 

Charles Bukowski

Really Freaking Fascinating

Have to share a really freaking fascinating article here.

I'm sure you've heard of the poor who live under $1 a day. But what the heck does that actually mean?

This article covers all that and more. Yes, it's a little dry and long and it has more numbers and stats and data than buzzfeed or huffington's post. But holy moly, it really makes things more clear.

It talks about entertainment, choices, calories per dollar distribution, family size, business ventures, and more. Much much more.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2638067/

Medical Etymology

Icterus: Jaundice. At least one medical dictionary defines icterus as the presence of jaundice seen in the sclera of the eye. This is incorrect. Icterus is synonymous with jaundice. They are one and the same thing.

Curiously, both icterus and jaundice come from the Greek. Icterus is a Latinized (-us) form of the Greek word "ikteros" and to the ancient Greeks signified both "jaundice" and "a yellow bird." It was thought that jaundice could be cured if the patient gazed at the bird. The disease would transmigrate from the jaundiced patient to the hapless bird (JAMA 184: 615, 1963).

 ---

 It is a little interesting because it reminds me of the "The Scarlet Ibis", by James Hurst. I must have read that in junior high or something. But it has absolutely no relevance to this at all - besides that ibis and ikteros just elicited a vague sort of memory for myself.

And that they both have birds and disease in them. 

Make things clear.

I don't want you to misunderstand. I don't hate the "typical Sunday school response". If it is what you are thinking. But if you are just using it as a phrase to fall back on, or a cliche to comfort someone without truly understanding what you are saying, then I hate it. Because they become platitudes instead of true responses.

It is the sincerity that matters. Not that you have said something particularly enlightening or helpful or particularly Godly to encourage me, etc etc. It's not about you "saying the right thing".

Truth asks for truth.
Vulnerabilities ask for vulnerabilities in response.

And a response that is filled with meaningless, canned answers, means nothing to me.
But all of that is different if you mean what you say.
If you mean what you say truly, truly, truly. 

Awkward

i am the awkward of awkwardest people D:

>.<
in my head: omg, thank you, but i don't want to be a bother, but i know you would say i'm not. i'm super grateful and I'd be pleased to accept. or something like that. Is that too enthusiastic? Maybe I shouldn't say that.
so what comes out: ..... umm... alright... yes...



ughhh
and then i want to say: oh.. no... my hesitancy wasn't anything to do you. i am not trying to sound reluctant about it either. i just wasn't sure how to say yes properly.
what i say: .....


UGHHHH.
please don't misunderstand me.... :(

Surgery

Got to assist today. Was pretty cool.

Cartilage graft.... was like trying to get a camel through the eye of a needle. lol.

But on a serious note (not even a fashion one):
I need better shoes.

On Thoughts:

1. Small Group:
A blessing I had not expected. I had some inkling at the very beginning, but I did not imagine that even half a year that met for less than 3 hours a week could become this close.
Skeptical heart, powerful God.
And all praises to him.

2. Contentment and Ambition
It is a strength and a weakness, depending on how far you go on either. The eternal struggle of student of always wanting to do better - but still knowing that God does not depend on your works or your grades for his love or for you to do his will.
I think this entire issue goes back to "heart motives" as Steph would probably say. Where is your heart? What are your intentions? It is not wrong to want to do well. No, isn't that why God gave us all talents and put us where we are? But if it consumes you. If you do not step back and remind yourself of the why. If the school is just for school; if grades are just for grades; if your time is just for you, you, you. Then where is your heart? 

3. Chronic sins.
This.
This is the hardest thing one can share - even with people you trust. Because it is something that feels like it cannot be shaken, sometimes. If next week goes as is, then we will see.
Shine light on the darkest of all sins.
And these are the ones that are set in pitch black, buried under shame and struggle that has faded into apathy.
I am so weak. I am so weak, Lord.

4. 1 John.
Conviction in its hardest form. But love in its most wonderful as well. He says to us, "little children". He says to us, "Beloved". And we are. But we cannot forget to do things in deed and truth as well. Not just in words.
I really like Urbana's inductive reading style. And it is working out very well for us.

5. Updates
I see the things that people share as gifts. Unexpected, but fearfully given.
I say to people: do not be a stranger.
But when distance is so far, how can you expect someone to be open?
And when time is so small, how can I expect anything?
Do friendships slowly fade away, like photographs under the sunlight?

And are we who we are even after all the time has changed?

6. Fear
The fear that I am not good enough. It is that old fear that always creeps up. Not good enough to do everything that I set out to do. Not a good person, a good friend, a good student, a good daughter, a good Christian. All of the identities that I try to claim.
Fear of the future. How can I not be afraid when the future looms in front of me?

7. Time
How fast time moves!

8. Tiff's treats.
One is coming to San Antonio!

9.  Winter
I am not made for cold weather.
As such, my favorite thing right now is a mug of hot milk tea.

10. Chasing after the wind.

Recent Interest

Recently been getting interested in stuff like skin care (i.e sunscreen, moisturizer, cleansers, whatever).

As such, this song is great.

Medical etymology || Word Fascination

Diaporesis: the state of sweating profusely

Empathy part II

We only know how to relate things to our own experiences.
Think of this like that, but better (or worse). It's about relativity.

I think I can understand grace a little better now, in the best and worst way possible.

Being completely and utterly convinced of your failures.
Resigned to the consequences you have made for yourself
Bracing yourself for the consequence

And only receiving grace and empathy.
It is undeserved. You know it is undeserved.

It is not relief. It is not a feeling that "you got off the hook" because you didn't, not really.
It's a bit of disbelief. Why would you? You had every right...
It's a bit of awe. Or maybe that's not the right word. Gratefulness, or love, or utter respect. That grace is given rather than condemnation.

But I extrapolate.
Regardless, I think I understand a little better.

Empathy

Empathy is such a strong thing.
Obviously more than platitudes
Miles above apologies or a sorry
Greater than sympathy

But the things is.. you had to have gone through a similar experience.
To understand...

In this way, how can someone who holds themselves apart understand anyone?
It is easier. It is safer, yes.
But not better. 

Scents

Smell is such a strong part of memory recall.

There is such a rush of nostalgia when I
breathe in chamomile tea
catch a whiff of Estee Lauder's White Linen
pass by the white blossoms of a pear tree

Thinking vs Feeling

A Case for Christ.

It's sort of a baby apologetics book. Highly biased and definitely skewed for (probably born in the church) baby Christians to dip their toe into the foundations of logic behind Christianity. Reading it with my group because a lot of us were interested in apologetics ish.


So far, in the first chapter - only one thing has stuck out as vaguely new to me: An analogy about explaining a subject with an agenda. Eye witness accounts are less favorable for me because they are highly dependent on human accuracy - and everyone knows that human error margins are enormous. But the analogy goes something along the lines of: who are those who document the Holocaust? The Jews. Sure they are biased, but they are the ones who have the most investment in it to present the truth. (I did literally zero minutes of research to back that statement up, and the book had pretty much no solid citations on this statement too - so maybe it's a false analogy). Regardless, this is probably one of the first times I can think of a situation where a biased party has such a vested interest to present the facts.

But that isn't the point. I wasn't even planning on writing anything down until we started discussing.
Umm... I think I have very hard time with born in da church Christians who aren't thinkers.
Primarily because I don't understand their rationale for staying in the faith besides that it is the easy way out. If you are born in the church, "staying" Christian means you will not ostracize your family, or probably a lot of your friend group, or give up your "raison d'etre".

This might be completely wrong and arrogant of me to say this, but I feel like every born in the church Christian should have a moment in their life where they are willing to walk away from their faith if it truly isn't what they believe. Rather than the comfort of the social factor or the friends and family and the safety net of being Christian to make you stay Christian.
Pure heart motives, right?

If it isn't right, if it isn't true, if this isn't what I believe - if I cannot reconcile all of these problems I have with the Bible and theology, why should I be a Christian?
But if it is right, if it is true (maybe I should also add, if it is good), then there I have my answer that cannot be shaken. And then perhaps the more minute problems can be reconciled by faith.

[But honestly. Sometimes I play a mental game of hypothetical situations with myself. A game where I ask myself: Can I leave it behind?
To test myself of the bonds I have created for myself. Friendships, relationships, hobbies, interests, faith. Could I leave it and everything that comes with it? What ties me down? What do I stay for? It's a truth meter, of some sort. To expose any hidden motives and see clearly why I do what I do. Do I read this book because I find it interesting or because I just want to say I've read it? Do I truly enjoy this? Am I friends with this person because of convenience or because I enjoy their presence? Hidden motives. Something like that. It is best not to lie to yourself, and hidden motives are a form of lie.
I've played that game with my faith before. At Urbana. Because if I could not, then am I Christian because I could not leave and it is just easier to stay or because I truly believe?  
It is not a game I play often, but I see my faith stronger for it. (What holds me to Christ? Trust in him and nothing else. Not the community, not the approval of my family, not the friendships. If I can walk away from that if I truly did not believe, then what holds me but Christ himself?) And it really is no game at all when I play with these kinds of stakes.]

Ugh, I have not structured my thoughts out in a clean manner.
I was going to make some remarks about foundation for believing and thinking and feeling but meh. I think it would probably come out wrong and I don't have the energy to pick my words more wisely.
Something something about feelings versus facts/thinking as a foundation.

I think coming out of the group discussion, I am just very very grateful that college gave me the space to think through a lot of difficult questions and place a firmer foundation for what I believe. If I did not, it would have made these years much more difficult or less meaningful because I do not have time to spend thinking about all those little questions and questing and searching and asking and pondering for answers. If I had not the foundation I had gained from ccf, I am pretty sure I would have drifted (at least a little). It's hard enough as it is.

tl;dr
Apologetics are not the foundation for believing in Christ, but they are certainly (for me) a rough edge I need smoothed out before I can hold on to my faith without cutting myself. And I am glad I went through most of it during college. 

reading between the lines

edification and honesty.

vulnerability
a false confidence
talking to the unknown listener

edification
a lesson learned
self-wisdom and personal experience
awareness of the reader
advice to the masses

honesty
truthfulness that doesn't presume
a sharing, perhaps

intention.
why do we write what we write.

---

you cannot force edification down someone's throat.

Pieces

Some sits on a dusty corner of that old childhood bookshelf.
Others are worn down to pieces as strangers touch.
And nowadays, more and more are on glowing screens
as anonymous comments or pictures of inspiration.
Your friends take a couple with them
when they leave for different cities.
Your family will always have more
than you expect, maybe too many.
And no one else knows this,
but you also hide one underneath your covers,
in the place where no one can hear you.
Like a trail of breadcrumbs
or maybe like a shattering of stone,
leave yourself in pieces.
And maybe someone will
go on a treasure hunt for you.

Poetry

The Quiet World

BY JEFFREY MCDANIEL

In an effort to get people to look

into each other’s eyes more,

and also to appease the mutes,

the government has decided

to allot each person exactly one hundred   

and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it to my ear   

without saying hello. In the restaurant   

I point at chicken noodle soup.

I am adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long distance lover,   

proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.   

I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn’t respond,

I know she’s used up all her words,   

so I slowly whisper I love you

thirty-two and a third times.

After that, we just sit on the line   

and listen to each other breathe.

---

this is too beautiful. 

dinner parties and duty

After a crazy whirlwind week (an event, a quiz, a transmodule, a midterm), I am finally getting some time to breathe. But not too much, because there are still many more things to do. (club meetings, applications, emails, fifth week, hosting? etc).

So, slept two hours, finished midterm (not bad, but i really could have known more stuff), watched a musical and a movie with kiera, went to go do club activities for 2 hrs. And by then, we pre-decided that we were feeling social enough to host a dinner party. It was really quite fun and I am vaguely amused at the turnout of people.
Definitely over-thought about the composition of people and who would get along with the others and if it would be fun and what could we talk about and eat and drink and stuff... ugh, I am amazing at over-thinking.

And then finally we decided to post on fb about it after all.
I completely suck at having different groups of my friends together. One on one is great - you can dig deep and talk about all sorts of stuff and empathize and understand. A group sometimes feels like nine on one. Sometimes. Because it's no longer about understanding, it's about entertaining. Are people feeling welcomed, is everyone talking, is anyone uncomfortable, has everyone eaten and drank enough, are there enough seats, does everyone get along, does everyone like this game?  And that's just for the people coming! For myself, do I play the hostess, or do I joke and carry the conversation, or maybe the topic is straying to medical school too much and I ought to include the spouses in some other discussion, or introduce a new game, how to fill the silence, or tell a funny situation to the group. I need to think up of stock situations that are interesting to keep as storage for empty silences. Am I thoughtful or am I joking around? Do I initiate more intimate conversation with a bored single person or continue to talk with the entire group? Who to draw attention to, who to lessen the spotlight? At least give everyone a few moments to speak and make their presence feel important. Smile and share eye contact with a bored person to maintain feeling of a shared connection of an inside joke.
Those are the least of the thoughts running through my head before and during. And after, as I'm trying to figure out if it went well and what didn't and if I would do anything different for the next time.
I am amazing at over-thinking.

But I think it went well, sort of. There are definitely things that could have been done better. I think some of the eh problem was the personalities that came. Seriously, from five different friend groups. I've never balanced so many collisions before. Even one collision is hard. But it was okay because it was more like an introduction from everyone (and everyone just knew me). Hum. That makes it sound like I was the center. No, not the case. I just knew everyone somewhat.
I didn't expect one of them to act ummm differently when tipsy, one of them to even come, another to be mostly silent, and etc. I am really, really impressed and grateful for phil though. He is just really empathetic and able to mirror emotions - he has the right amount of personality to move slightly crass situations along and make the right jokes at just the right time. To make people feel comfortable. I am just really impressed. But I think it is an inherent (extrovert??) quality, not a learned one (despite how much I attempt to learn those types of skills). But I will try anyway.

Overall, success. Sangria and pizza and artichoke/spinach dip and sweet dessert. Interesting conversation (with a few cringe moments, but not from me). A lot of get-to-know-you's. A life update from a friend. A connection made between the non-med school ppl. It's good. And I'm not a hermit like the rest of days.

Again, I am too competitive with hardcore games - but ahh it's just too much fun! 
fishbowl:
cerulean
discus
easter egg

fable
feet
ferrari 

cup
pitch
penguin

boom, three word associations. short term memory - activate!

---
On duty:
I am most frustrated with people when I believe there is responsibility or duty. And I honestly think there is duty in a friendship. Perhaps even more so in a Christian friendship. So when people don't fulfill their (or my expected of them) duty, I am just frustrated because I don't know if they don't feel like putting in the effort or it's not important to them or they're just lazy or don't care or what. And if it's not important to them, ugh. I'm offended - probably because I care. The feeling I'm left with is something like: you ought to have done that. Why didn't you?
It's not even an unspoken duty - it was clearly laid out and agreed with by everyone for the week. Ugh. If it were unspoken, I wouldn't be as frustrated because sometimes people just don't hear what you hear or read between the lines. But it was clearly stated.
And then ignored. two of them!! that's 40%. ughhh
I am patient (this is me encouraging myself). I can be patient and understanding. I will be patient and understanding and try to put myself in their shoes and understand that maybe it was just more of a burden than I see it.
(I can be patient, but I honestly think my esteem of them drops a little because I think, oh this is how you are)

---

random insert:
had to buy oreos and artichokes and cheetos and a whole bunch of other things. ended up getting a "free" thing of coffee because the cashier forgot to put in through the belt and I already paid and the line behind me was huge. convenience is the key...

graduate school, a prayer

feeling a little sorrowful for many of my friends - hopefully not in an arrogant or condescending manner.

but oh Lord! Why are so many of my friends wrestling with their spiritual lives?
I think it is graduate school, it's this stage of life.
I mean even myself. It's been hard to keep good perspective of importance. This entire first year last year was just me strugglebusing and pretending i was in control the entire time. fake it till you make it right? until not really.

But now that I feel like I'm mildly on my feet and I am honestly praying for other people (and not just those selfish prayers, or those help-me-Lord), I am struck all over again by how important it is to pray for other people. And how much other people need it. Heck, I need prayer.

It's like that sermon on Sunday. Do not disdain a self-sacrificing gift because you are not doing so out of humbleness. That is a lie. You are denying it because of a unconscious arrogance that you do not need it.
And for prayer. Oh, Lord. Those I know, keep them carefully in your hands and lord, just remind them of your grace, your beauty, your strength, and your everlasting presence.

I lift these people up to you Lord, because you have the power to change them, to give them the strength to change their stagnation or their situations.

Their fears - remind them that You are stronger! If you are for them, then who can be against them!?

If they have forgotten what is most important, remind them. Not the things of this world, not the grades we receive, the things on our resumes, our status in life, not even the social interactions we have with people. But you, oh lord.

Remind them, Lord. Remind them. Remind me. Do not let us forget that we are yours.

Chance Encounters

I had the strangest encounter today - and also probably the most thought-provoking conversation I've had in a while.

Was mildly debating the importance of Christianity denominations with a quasi-friend (why am I not better friends with this guy?) when an old, white man jumps into our conversation.

A few sentences later and I have to part ways with my quasi-friend and I'm talking to this guy alone.
Turns out he's a pastor and heavily involved in CMDA. Kinda interesting.

I have a problem with authority (i know i know) especially when I don't believe it yet. So his tone is a little bit too "let-me-teach-you-young-one" for me to swallow with humble grace. But it's interesting.

Here is the question:
Does everything need to have a label?

His answer was yes.
I, being facetious, replied: including love?
He nodded and said: Yes, this is why Paul wrote about love in Corinthians ... etc.
I quickly retracted my example because I do think marriage is a form of a label to define love - as well as dating and such.

This is fascinating. Because, believe you me, I am the queen of labels. Sometimes I don't believe I'm friends with someone unless we have both professed "friendship" and confirmed that we are friends. I label my thoughts. This is angry because of that. This is emotional because of this. I label sections in my blog posts.
A consideration:
A rant:
A thought:
etc.

But one thing that I do not label is my denomination. If someone asked me my religion, the only answer really is Christian. But if you ask for denomination, I say nondenominational, but probably closest to Southern Baptist. I've never really found it necessary to figure out all the odds and ends of the different types of Christianity because I figured what I believe is the Bible and that is the end of that. Nondenominational suits me just fine. (Not to mention, both of my churches have been labeled "Chinese churches" which usually end up nondenominational anyways).

But talking to this dude, he was saying something along the lines that nondenominational just doesn't want the responsibility of submitting to specific theology.
Interesting. Is that true? I'm not sure. I think for myself, it was mostly ugh it's just a bunch of finicky people arguing about (most of the time) not so important aspects of Christianity. I highly subscribe to the idea of Mere Christianity, where the fundamentals are the most important. When I mentioned this, though, he brought up the idea that not all groups of Christianity could be defined as Christian (he mentioned Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons). So defining your denomination could make a difference in terms of Christianity.

Fair enough. I accept that as true.
But is it important for me to figure out my own "denominational label"? I just really don't think so.
Or is that not true? Because the denomination and the different sects split on major issues of the Bible and other aspects. And I think I do know all my stances on the different topics - I just don't quite know the names of all of them.
Sometimes I feel like - for me, as long as God and I know, everything else doesn't matter. 
But like baptism, it is important that the world knows? I end that sentence on a question mark because I am not sure.
One doesn't need a denomination for salvation. God makes that clear. But to show your stance in the world? Maybe?? Is nondenominational just hedging one's bets? 

Am I neglecting my faith if I do not know exactly which sides of these topics I stand on?

Regardless of the faith topic as well, this whole conversation also leaves me with the question of: does everything need a label?

He left me his card and the encouragement to email him to continue the discussion as "friends".
I am just amused.
Probably not, because I need to trust someone's ethos before I go asking for their opinion and advice. But I probably will see him around.

I haven't had a question-thought like this in a while. Mental candy. Quite fun.

quote

"When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people."

 

this is a good quote. i will remember this. 

Fascinating

I love it when stuff like Greek mythology and medical terminology comes together~

Apparently Syrinx is a nymph that escaped from Pan and turned into hollow water reeds - of which Pan used to make his pan pipes.

"Syrinx" is the Greek word for "tube".

And that's the etymology for the word "syringe" and also "syrinx".

Of course we know what a syringe is, but a "syrinx" is fluid-filled neuroglial cavity in the spinal cord (syringomyelina) or in the brainstem (syringobulbia) or in the nerves of the elbow.

I love it~

Dedication

I've realized how sparse this blog is in actual content after talking to a friend.
And after briefly going through some of my favorite bloggers' words, I think I will try to not be as guarded. Try to avoid only the quips and vague turn of phrases. Maybe more book reviews, poetry, and devos. Something like that.

Might not happen overnight. But in the future. Anticipatory sort of thing. 

Self Reliance

There's almost no doubt in my mind now.
I will [most likely] stay.

Generally I only hope to take away one thing from a sermon. But today, the entire time my mind was racing with implications.

Of self reliance the ability to let others serve me.

This is something that needs a lot of time to flesh out in all of its emotional intensity and right now I have little.

Overdue

I am overdue for a vulnerable post. I can feel myself counting the number of posts I've had since I decided I need to be vulnerable on blogger again.
Instead of all these little snipbits of life that is mostly surface-y conversation and small talk. All true, but never really that deep. Daily life is different than the midnight musings.
Because midnight musings are the heart of myself. It's the answer you are actually trying to hear when when you ask how is your day?
not the "fine" or "alright, how about you?"

I've yet to really share anything truly meaningful that has made me ponder and struggle. And now that I've re-remembered that... well.

Patience

This will be a trial of patience.

I think I have a low tolerance for chatty people who tell long, extended stories (esp if I think it's a story with little substance, or I think that you could have summed up that 10 min story in about 5 sentences).

But I am blessed with two chatty people.

Quite Frankly

Quite frankly, my darlings, I am feeling marvelous.

Even though there's a quiz tomorrow and I'm not exactly 100% prepared, I'm pretty close, I'd say.

But today was just marvelous.

Even though the church I went to didn't have AC the entire time and was probably about 87 degrees F, I quite liked it. The worship was beautiful and I felt like I knew people. People were friendly, the sermon was so-so, and I think I will stay. In the end, it really is the people that makes a church, a community.
I think I tried too hard at the Mission. It could have worked, I am pretty sure, if I put in more time, more energy. But it got to the point where it was more of a trial than a place to praise God with other people.

Today was quite marvelous. Yesterday was good. Games (telephone-pictionary that made me literally cry from laughing so hard) and cake. A few internal cringe moments, but other than that, it was good. Yesterday was good.

But today was splendid, despite studying for most of the day.
(I know my dorsal column/medial lemniscus pathways, I know my lesions, my anxiety meds.)
But beyond that, it is because I actually feel like things are changing in the right direction.

Grounding myself in a church, starting something I've always wanted to do but never really could bring myself to commit, making certain I have adequate time to study, being on top of emails, being on top of lecture, and also not being content with the friendships I have already made and treasured - but actively going out and seeking to make connections in this place.

It is a good day.
It is a marvelous day. 

And all glory to God

My life in four lines

Took a selfie during family vacation.
Dad sees and asks. I tell him it's a selfie.
He nods. Then says.
Can you take a selfie for me?

---

Told my accountability group that we ought to limit
our talk to ~2 hours. Everyone agrees.
We stay on topic and get done in 1.75.
Then stay around and talk for another hour and a half.

---

Got to know a girl better. I asked about her life
and personality and ideas and thought process.
She got to know me better
as she asked about my love life.

-____-"

---

Decided to focus on people around me.
Until I found out on facebook ccfers were dating.
Had to immediately call a friend
because I am still so invested in my old fellowship.

---

Started to listen to rain when I study
because of A-
Started feeling colder when I study now.
I think there's a correlation.

---

Ran out of groceries in the house.
Tired.
Decided it's easier to just drink tea
than drive 10 minutes to get real food.

---

Met up with an old friend
who hadn't changed one bit.
Told me I still have Karen mannerisms.
Which doesn't surprise me anymore.
---

Went to a house warming to play some games.
Only two girls,
When they asked what we should do
Of course I had to introduce Resistance.
---

Neuro.
Pathways.
Study.
Study.

One AM

I hate my neighbors. 

Hate is a strong word, but ughhhhhh. It's Sunday night and they're having a party or something. And that freaking dog.... 

Already asked them to turn their music down once >.<

I really dislike my neighbors.  Let me sleeeeeeep!!!!! I have school tomorrow!!!

It ain't January 1st

It ain't January 1st, but my resolutions are holding alright. :)

Feeling happier about things in general.

---

Also....

Reasonable hours that neighbors can be loud: daylight hours and Friday/Saturday night.
Otherwise, keep your music down!!!! 

RESOLUTION

YES IS YES
NO IS NO

and i will answer my emails in a timely fashion....

Killing with kindness

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/trevinwax/2014/06/25/the-kindness-that-will-kill-your-church/

This is one of the truest, most applicable things I have read in a while that I need to constantly remind myself about.

There are many times, especially with some MBS topics, where I really do lean towards the "live and let live" mentality.

Imposing morality or my viewpoint is always a tricky thing to say.
Of course, the counterargument is that "tolerance" has become a viewpoint that is imposed on everyone else nowadays. And if you disagree with anything that isn't considered p.c. and tolerant, you are sorta shunned as well. It's the idea that no one can live without some sort of faith. Even atheists believe in something.
(super rough condensations of various philosophy).

How many times do I guard my tongue in fear of offending? Many, probably. 

-interlude thought-

But I wonder about the extent of law and imposition on a larger scale. It is one thing to speak truth to a friend and another to make a law based on morals. 

After all, if the law were to ban Christian practice, there is no way we could just meekly agree and stop.

So how can we stop something like gay marriage in terms of law? Doesn't mean we agree with it, doesn't mean we think it's necessarily right, but in terms of freedom of religion and such, is it right that we stop it? 

required ted talk

"And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection? The things I can tell you about it: it's universal; we all have it. The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection. No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it the more you have it.  

What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough," -- which we all know that feeling: "I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough." The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability, this idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen."

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability/transcript#t-482000    

- Brené Brown
  

Posted for later thinking. 

I listened read the transcript of this ted talk and some of it rang true through the first read. Stuff about people with the least amount of shame had a correlation with the ability to be courageous enough to be vulnerable and be imperfect. 
  
It's a little curious when I measure it up to people who I know and myself. 

life update

- started school again: they eased us in by having a sex talk. My class is exceedingly immature and couldn't stop giggling about pictures and fetishes. But on the other hand, I'm pretty sure the professor was tailoring his talk around getting those giggles. So there's that. Yay to first day of MS2

- anxiously waiting for news about an important person. it's tough when i can't really do anything but wait and and hope for the best.

- resettling into SA. It's okay I guess. The apt is considerably homier, which is a little ironic considering gender roles, lol.

- current obsession: skin care. It's mildly a combination of a friend dragging me to HMart to look at korean skin care products (bb cream, toners, oil control, etc). And also that I had to go to the dermatologist again over the break. Ugh I thought I was done with skin problems. Regardless, I've been trawling through blogs and product recommendations and have been unhappily convinced of the necessity of daily sunscreen. (I hate stuff that sits on your face).

- Panera. Finally got my little card thing to panera!

- been having a touch of trouble with eating. it's definitely a mental thing, but still...

- got my fifth wedding invite today. so many weddings....

- the weekend. !!!!!!! so excited!

passing thought

sometimes you need friends to remind you of your strengths and your weaknesses.

 Because sometimes you forget who you are (or who you can be) since you're embroiled in the environment around you and you can only see yourself as the person responding to the situation at the current time.

People are not elements.

ohmygosh

my mom is the funniest person in the world.

texting...

Mom: do you know if D- is at home?
Me: no, i'll call though
Mom: I am going to drive to her house.
Me: wait, no she's at the airport. she just landed. she said 30 more min. hello? mom?
Mom: There's no one in the house.
Me: I know!!! you didn't pick up your phone!!!
Mom: bark and bark
Me: oh mom

Password hint: funishment game

skin

drawn taut across bones,
it was enough for me.
but we all outgrow
who we once were.

deja vu

it's interesting when roles reverse and you actually do get to step in the other person's shoes and experience what they did.

perhaps it is also the reason that history repeats itself a little. you do the same thing that was done to you.

Haha

Went to the Chinese supermarket with my family. Man, childhood memories. 

Poking the live crabs. 

Stacking/hiding behind the rice bags. 

It was pretty fun watching the kids at the store do the same things I did fifteen years ago. D:

Author

I just found out that my (pretty much) favorite author became Christian in the past year. 

And she describes coming to prayer as sitting-space becoming prayer-space, where the silence becomes being in God's presence. And that even sitting silently is like gathering wisps of prayer-space. 

Omo, that's beautiful. 

this

"Because here's something else that's weird but true: in the day-to day
trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is
no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice
we get is what to worship. And the compelling reason for maybe choosing
some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship -- be it JC or Allah, be
it YHWH or the Wiccan Mother Goddess, or the Four Noble Truths, or
some inviolable set of ethical principles -- is that pretty much anything
else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things, if
they are where you tap real meaning in life, then you will never have
enough, never feel you have enough. It's the truth. Worship your body
and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly. And when time
and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally
grieve you. On one level, we all know this stuff already. It's been codified
as myths, proverbs, clichés, epigrams, parables; the skeleton of every great
story. The whole trick is keeping the truth up front in daily consciousness.

Worship power, you will end up feeling weak and afraid, and you will
need ever more power over others to numb you to your own fear.
Worship your intellect, being seen as smart, you will end up feeling stupid,
a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. But the insidious thing
about these forms of worship is not that they're evil or sinful, it's that
they're unconscious. They are default settings.

They're the kind of worship you just gradually slip into, day after day,
getting more and more selective about what you see and how you measure
value without ever being fully aware that that's what you're doing. 
And the so-called real world will not discourage you from operating on
your default settings, because the so-called real world of men and money
and power hums merrily along in a pool of fear and anger and frustration
and craving and worship of self."

-David Foster Wallace

unhappy

ughhh i just want to shake him and say "do you not see what i see?!" 

i knowww everyone has different writing styles, but gracious, it doesn't even make sense.

in the end, people just get too attached to their writing (myself included). but it makes it hard to cut anything to edit anything.

i could never be an editor.

ughhh but i am too critical.  

Books

Fell in love with a book today. 

And then read an interview of the author on the books and discovered four different authors that I've never seen before that I desperately want to read. I love that feeling of realizing there's so much more out there.

 Before this, I've been pretty hmmm arrogant perhaps is the word, that I've known most of the important books out there that I want to read and should be on my to read list. It's been a while since I've discovered entire caches of authors. 

It just goes to show that limiting oneself to only the current news and current books is like wearing blinders to beautiful things in the past. 

People

There are people who are meant to be leaders.

And there are people who are not.

In this time where every single freaking program wants you to prove you're a leader, it sucks.

holy crap

holy crap holy crap.

my favorite band is going to be performing at a Dallas suburb on my birthday.

omgah omgah omgah.

Language

I've recently been falling in love with authors from different countries. Antonia Michaelis (German) who wrote The Storyteller, one my favorite books ever becuase of beautiful language. Andrzej Sapkowski (Polish) who wrote The Last Wish and doesn't have the rest of his series translated bah. Italo Calvino (Italian) who is just freaking amazing and I wish I could write like that. Luigi Pirandello (also Italian) who wrote the play Six Characters in Search of an Author. 

I've been meaning to read some Murakami, but ugh it seems very stream of consiciousness in the one or two pages I've read. Probably over summer. 

I wish I knew a thousand languages so I could read their works in their own language. To see if the words are just as striking, or even more. 

It also makes me wonder how many fantastic books and authors I am missing out on just because I cannot find an English translation or because I don't even know about the author. 

Surely if you're Italian, you would know current Italian authors. Or if you were Brazilian, you'd know current Brazilian authors that are worth reading. 

note to you

To the class of 2014,

I still remember you all as freshmen. Dorky freshmen, really. When you guys came in and weren't sure which cell group to join - that was pretty cute. And clung to each other for comfort (oh, you martel class). And goodness, there were so MANY of you! You all were answers to our prayers, that ccf might grow and continue to love God.

You guys were my first freshmen.

In your sophomore year, it was heartening to see the ones who trickled in slowly. You who came in uncertainly because there was already a clique formed, I am glad that you came anyway.

And then you all started settling into leadership positions and hooking up with each other. It was like… okay, yeah they're growing up. Haha.

And now. You guys are alums.

And even though I am not even sure I have the right to say this: I am glad you have made it, and have made it well.  Congratulations.

on distance

on distance and friendship:
Friendship is a two way street. I already knew that. But i remember an old conversation with H- where she was talking about distance between her groups of friends and how she knew that some of them wanted to be closer - but she just didn't have the time for so many.
Regardless. If one person wants to be better friends, and the other person doesn't - isn't it the least common denominator that wins? Because who sinks their time and friendship into one that cannot reciprocate?
So when you find a friend that is willing to respond as willingly as you are to their friendship, that is crazy ridiculous, crazy amazing. Because if the least common denominator wins out, then it is more likely that friendships often will not grow deep and strong.

Equal investment.

Maybe.
Unless one person is especially generous with their time and their emotions. Which is also quite rare.

But surely there becomes a time when friendship stops being a fair-exchange based relationship and there is more flexibility. hm... or maybe not. But just the leeway for forgiveness if larger.

FINALLY

The key in this story is that you cannot just call it quits and wait for someone else to take care of all the details.
Make the first move, give the gift of going second and all that jazz.

Here's to a wonderful evening with wonderful people.

I only wish that I did not wait so long.

(decorative)

we write characters to overcome the things that we cannot.
to show us a way that it is possible to succeed.

we write characters to weep for us when we cannot
in a strange vicarious catharsis of the soul.

we write characters to travel the world and search for meaning
because we trap ourselves in responsibilities and the finite limits of this world.

we write characters to listen to our inner thoughts
which would be madness seething in anyone else's ears.

we write because it expands who we might be. to explore the boundaries of who we are as people, as individuals, as friends and lovers or heroines.

we write because we can.

realization

many times i fear the people that i admire.

an aside

how i know someone knows me:

them: tell me your thoughts
me: ?? on what
them: anything. karen thoughts.
me: lol

Courage

Courage is facing what you want to face least. It's going, instead of avoiding. It's owning up. It's not letting yourself take the easy way out. It's because this is the right path, the right thing to do, even if it makes you dread. Even if there's a pit in your stomach and an ache in your throat and nightmares in your dreams.

Courage is going.

post-exam

- Discovered a beautiful little crepe store with a quasi-friend
- Went to a concert and got within two rows of the front
- Finished off the last batches of my cooking
- Ignored my incredibly messy room in favor of a post exam nap
- Responded to people
- Read a book. Er. books.

---
There is truth and there are half-truths.
There are lies and there are lies by omission.

A blog is a filtered snapshot of one's life.

If I were braver....

I will feel braver tomorrow, I think. 
 

^^

YOU ARE LOVED

Believe it <3

This seems to be my mood lately:

"The Weight of Living, Part I" by Bastille.

Here are some of the lyrics:


There's an albatross around your neck,
 All the things you've said,
and the things you've done,
Can you carry it with no regrets,
Can you  stand the person you've become,
Ooh there's a light [x2]

[Chorus]
Your Albatross, let it go, let it go,
Your Albatross shoot it down, shoot it down
When you can't shake 
The heavy weight of living
 

Well...

*loud knocking on my apartment door

Me: *studying on the couch in lounging clothes.
Me: *resentfully puts stuff down and throws on more respectable clothes
Me: *opens door

Guy: Hello! My name is ____. How are you doing today?
Me: Fine....
Guy: I'm from AT&T and we're here to talk to you about your benefits and things you qualify for!
Me: Okay....
AT&T Guy: So we have a deal for cable and other things for your TV. Do you have cable?
Me: I don't have a TV.
Guy: *shocked. Wh- You don't have a TV? (kinda glances into the open door as if he's trying to spot one anyways)
Me: Nope.
Guy: Well.... I guess.... you don't qualify for anything. Thanks for your time.
Me: Mkay. Bye!


Ha.  

Stagnation

These days I am believing more in the idea of nature rather than nurture. Genetics rather than environment. And it's a bit of a pessimistic thought, one that has the small niggling idea that you can't change yourself no matter how you try.

Because if it is due to environment, surely it means that your personality, your life, your mentality towards work, etc is more malleable. Things can shape you. You can grab the environment and change it. You can.... change yourself.

It's the idea of being in control of your own destiny.

Or being in control of yourself.

I'm not talking about self-control. I'm not talking about having the willpower to sit down and get things done or not eat that last bite of ice cream.

Or maybe I am, a little bit. I haven't decided yet.

But I'm just wondering why it's so difficult to change. Why is it so difficult to do this or that. Even intelligence. There is only so much one can study or work hard to compare to others. Or maybe one's gravitation towards certain tasks, or polarization away from them. And intrinsic like or dislike of another person. To go out and be social or stay inside and ignore the world.

There is room for God to change people.
But is it possible to change yourself? The intrinsic part, the visceral part that refuses. Or responds without prompting. Or is that just human nature and part of everyone?

Random Bits

Random bits of reflection and commentary from inner-karen thoughts.

1. Doctors and healthcare workers and whatever can do a lot of good, but oh my gosh, the sheer amount of money that businessmen/women can utilize for good is crazy. Got to talk to the CEO of Valero who started up a center for the homeless in SA. It cost 100 million dollars. 100 million. My mind boggles. To get that kind of money, he talks to politicians, lobbies for it, hosts golf tournaments for his partners to fundraise, etc. My mind still boggles. On two levels. First, that I am slowly understanding that this is the world I am stepping into. Y'know, the adult real world where connections matter and you have to use all of your connections to get somewhere and do something. Second, that it is the initiative of people with money to do massive amounts of good. Oh, not hating on little good too, but it would be almost impossible for Dr U to have started up the SRFC without someone like Bill Greehy. And he's Christian. Hearing him talk about faith as his motivation for giving back to the community and for investing millions into helping people is just wow.

2. Made a yogurt honey bread spontaneously. Needed to get rid of yogurt and didn't feel like waiting to make it. I thought it took barely 20 minutes but I forgot to change the microwave clock for daylight savings. So.... it was longer. boo. The batter tasted okay but I modified the recipe a bit.... so hopefully it's okay....
*edit: it's out of the oven. Hmmm.... this is one confused bread. It's a bread, but I think it has a secret desire to be a cake.... the insides are fluffy and nice and the outsides nice and brown and crunchy. But.... it's just on this side of too sweet for bread. 

3. The stupid stuff is important too. This. This so much. I am such a snob sometimes, turning my nose up at bits of information or scoffing at things I think are obvious or unhelpful. But -consider me humbled- that is so untrue. Doing clinical skills and talking about obvious things like empathy and going through a list actually helps in a real setting. It gives you a foundation to start on, so you don't lose focus and start questioning yourself if you've missed anything or whatever. It's practice makes perfect. Practicing on SP actually matter a lot. Learning the stupid stuff like the difference between an acinus and the lobule.... is also important. No matter how much I gripe about it.

4. In the end.... I still love Ecclesiastes the most because it reflects the emptiness and loneliness of life without a true center. All of it can be meaningless.

5. Everybody has their skeletons, everyone has secret to bury. But sometimes we bring them up to light to those we trust.

chains

[In the cold winter, north of the mirrored lake, a female crane fell victim to a hunter's snare. The male crane's anguished cries seemed endless as he circled above her for many days, eventually dying from the pain in his heart.
People of the time were surprised, and exclaimed," Life, death, meetings, partings; one shares and indulges in every moment with others. Should one be regretful? No, thankful!"
Legends says that cranes cried relentless until they bleed, their beaks dyed red.]

 ---

Willingly chained to someone.
It's a matter of words.
Is it making the place inside someone's heart your home
or is it an iron tether that traps you next to them.
Those who go where the wind blows
and have no place to call home except the ground beneath their heads
Those who wander as they will
but cannot ever return, because what do they return to?
Those who are most free, those who have nothing holding them down
float endlessly.

Recipes, Food Breakdown & Others

1. Potato Soup - tentative success, would do again.
- substitutes: used Pioneer Woman's recipe, but discovered I didn't have milk, whoops. So I just ignored it and added more heavy cream and water. It seems to have worked out alright... also decreased the amount of stock because I was trying to get rid of it; also replaced bacon with one beef sausage; also used (3) red potatoes instead of russet; also had no celery, so ignored that too
- seems to have a little less flavor than I would have expected from a normal potato soup, as expected from the cuts and substitutes
- added random amounts of cumin, italian spice, paprika, a teeny bit of crushed red pepper flakes, salt and pepper
- overall impressions, pretty tasty with a good ratio of thick soup to chewing bits. I think I taste more bland potato than flavorful soup with some bites, maybe I should puree more of it next time? 
- overall, actually a fantastic success because this was a "use what i have in the fridge" last-minute dish instead of a pre-planned one.
*edit: i take it all back, second day is more flavorful than the first. maybe the potato just needed some time to soak it all in~ would definitely make again.

2. Chicken pot pie (a remake) - also from Pioneer Woman's blog
- substitute: no pie crust available, used puff pastry;
- Added too much water or not enough flour to thicken it.
- pretty easy staple, second time just as easy
- puff pastry not recommended. ends up flat and doughy. use a real pie crust.

2.5. Chicken pot pie in a biscuit - from a random recipe found on pinterest, I can't seem to find it again though.... ah ha nvm i'm amazing, i found it.
- fail. accidentally bought smaller biscuits (okay, lying here, I actually bought the smaller biscuits because they were totally cheaper and had 40 for the same price as 10 large ones). but they couldn't roll up, which dried up the chicken pot pie filling. also, the biscuit to filling ratio was wayyyyy off. the stupid little biscuits couldn't hold almost anything. Stupid things (yeah i know it's totally my own fault, so sue me, I still have 20 biscuits left in the fridge ready to be baked)
- would try again though.

3. Gumbo - from.. a strange mix of this recipe and this link.
- substitute: could not for life of me find andouille sausage because I was in a rush to make it back to campus and argh why does shopping take 2x longer than I expect, so used beef sausage; did not use Worcestershire sauce; ignored the shrimp and crab meat because I didn't want to bother with buying two ingredients I probably wouldn't use again; bought frozen okra; also did not have cayenne pepper, but red pepper flakes were in my spice cabinet.; oh, also ignored the scallions. whatev.
- roux. ugh. ugh. this freaking thing took forever. I must have been at the stove for close to an hour. I think I was too scared of burning it so I over-stirred and didn't let the water evaporate. In the end, I got pissed off and it never really got to "mahogany colored", instead it was more like a light brown. Hey, better than the light tan that it started off as. If do again, add a teeny bit less water and let it stand for longer before stirring.
- okra. add it later. the seeds and stuff started falling out when i stirred it in, perhaps a little too vigorously.
- it was.... maybe? more oily than i like in general. But i'm not sure if that's just a gumbo thing or a "my" gumbo thing. Maybe drain off the sausages better.... even though I already did....
- it was way too red. blame it on the roux.
- add the tsp of paprika and a bit of red pepper flakes for the heat, completely necessary. just a pinch though.
- next time, add the seafood, lol. (and fix the roux, change the okra?) 

note: I made vegetable stock with the cut off ends of celery, onions, and carrots. It was interesting, but way too much work. Am tempted to try with my rotisserie chicken carcass though.... homemade chicken stock?

4. Rum cake - i don't think i would recommend
- made for my synthesis group
- was skeptical because it involves yellow cake mix and vanilla pudding mix. i was right to be skeptical. the only redeeming factor is that it's rum cake. -___-"
- did not have a bundt pan, used a cake tin instead. I should have used two, but nope, silly me thought that I could just pour the entire batter into one and forget that cakes rise.....
- the bumpy cake made it so I couldn't do the "pour glaze into pan and flip cake" technique. It ended up more boozy on one side than the other. For better or for worse I guess.
- besides that it's rum cake and rum cakes are moist and delicious, it has a really odd playdoh texture to it at some times that I am attributing to the cake mix. This might be because I know it's from the cake mix/pudding mix (duh because I made it), but eh.... not sure if it's just me
- seemed well-received. but that might be just because it's free food on a friday and it's rum cake.
- would not make again, potentially consider from-scratch though?

5. Shepherd's pie - mostly based on this one, but I might have looked at other ones to see what could be added/dropped/substituted - oh wait no, i think i got the initial inclination from reddit.... but can't find that post...
- substitutes: did not use any totmato paste, darn it. I even had a jar of spaghetti sauce I was planning on stealing a tbsp from but totally forgot. meh other than that, followed it fairly closely? chicken stock instead of beef, dried parsley instead of fresh, etc.
- reviews mentioned adding ketchup or Worschestire (whatev spell check) sauce.
- first time making mashed potatoes. Used a strange combo of russet and red, but again, whatev. Turned out pretty good. Dumped in cheese, milk, and heavy cream until I thought it seemed okay. I srsly need to buy a strainer. I almost lost a few potatoes down the sink pouring out the water I was boiling them in.....
- i did not get a golden crust on very much of the potato mash topping. I think it's because I didn't leave it in long enough?
- It doesn't keep thaaaat well in the fridge. I ended up having to mix up the potato into the gravy sauce to heat it up properly in the microwave. Still good though.

6. Spaghetti
- hands down the cheapest meal ever. A box of dried spaghetti, a can of sauce. Boom. Done.
- okay, lies, i actually added spinach and onions to the sauce too. it didn't enhance it that much actually, so iono

6.5 Spaghetti meat sauce!!! also from miss pioneer lady
- ummmm wayy too much work for very little improvement of the initial #6. I'd rather have just browned the meat and dumped it into the canned sauce.

I am now convinced that spaghetti sauce is like brownie mix. So close to the real thing, that making the real thing becomes not worth it.

8. Misc.
- omelets: mostly because i had too many eggs and some random bits of cheese left from the past. inside had random ingredients (chicken, onion, spinach). too much effort for something that could just be scrambled, tbh.
- scones - had extra heavy whipping cream, again. this seems to be an easy go-to for using it up. Actually less messy than I expected. Unfortunately they go stale after 4 days or so. And I think I "feel" a little heavier after I eat them, despite their fluffy and light insides..... all that cream. But great with tea.
- sushi - so SA actually has sashimi-grade fish, crazy. Bought some sashimi grade salmon and made up some sushi rice (sugar, salt, rice vinegar), and boom baby!

 And that's all fairly recently.

Have yet to do:
- croquettes
- garlic pork loins
- white wine pasta
- coke and pork

I have the panko and the potatoes.... so the croquettes might happen next...

oh... and this....
----


Other: Am on spring break. keke

nobody cares

you know, i've been thinking about sliced bread and how cool it is.

I mean, you get uniform slices and the bread isn't even smushed. I hate it whenever I'm carefully trying to cut through a baguette or some fancy unsliced bread loaf and then I accidentally squeeze too hard with the hand holding the bread or press down with the knife and then the soft, fluffy insides are flattened to sad sad bread.

But sliced bread! You don't even need to deal with all of that. It's so darn cheap, you can buy white bread or wheat bread or honey wheat. Heck, you can even buy sliced potato bread. Man, that stuff looks weird but I can probably eat it by itself. You can put stuff between slice bread for sandwiches so easily! You can make toast!
Do you even understand how delicious toast is??
It's like... deliciousness with a bit of butter and a cup of tea.
 
I bet the people who were pre-sliced-toast-time don't know what they were missing out on.
It's good to live post-1928.

yeah.....
this is a completely pointless post.

Here is a

Here is a saying that I like: never leave for tomorrow what can be done today

Because many times what I leave for tomorrow tends to be pushed off into never-ending tomorrows, and honestly it was such a simple task. 

Sad day

Synthesis groups brought milk and brownies. 

I think I am now slightly lactose intolerant >.< 

SAD DAY. 

Well I guess it's okay because I usually drink almond milk anyways.....

Songs

Listening to different types of musics because.

My on-repeats atm:

Fall Out Boy - The Phoenix:
(who wrote "my songs know what you did in the dark". )

Tyler Ward & Plain White Ts - The Giving Tree:
(melodic and beautiful)

David Crowder - Here's my heart :
(after Kevin posted this on fb tbh)

Sorta also listening to Jayesselee's Officially Missing You and Kina Grannis's The Fire, but not as much.

Hehe

What is better than a grilled cheese sandwich made of gouda cheese?
That grilled cheese sandwich with tomato!

What is better than a long shower?
A long shower after a good workout!

What is better than studying?
well... almost anything.
Studying with a new friend at a coffee shop and actually getting work done!

Today is a good day :)

Quiet

Galatians 6:8-10. 

Convicting. 

A man reaps at he sows...... Let us not become weary in doing good...

Although I spend my time and strength away, let me not become weary and cynical in doing good. 

Refocus. 

Discipline. 

Ha

My class sent out a "get to know your class" survey. One of the questions was your Myer Briggs with the quiz attached.

I didn't need it....

lol

Learning

The best way to procrastinate is to do the lesser of the evil work that you have.

Don't want to study? Finish writing out that stuff for your club.

Don't want to do that? Go run.

Don't want to run? Go cook.

Don't want to cook? Go study.

DONE.

haha i wish it were that easy.
Sometimes it works, sometimes not. 

On Spaghetti and Friendship:

I have come to the realization that friendship sort of develop from 2 ways:

First, by having deep talks about things and issues that make up your philosophy and your mindset and your thinking. Talking about things that are important to you. 

Two, by spending a lot of time with the other person. In which you might slowly learn their personality and habits and important things through consecutive meet ups and hang outs. 

Obviously they're not mutually exclusive because to have deep talks, you must trust the other person first, which requires at least some time together. And as I sorta mentioned, lengthy handouts turn into some discussion of important things. 

I think some people inherently lean towards one or the other, though. Maybe even introvert extrovert makes a difference, if that is even relevant. 

Unfortunately I prefer the first. But I don't know if that's feasible anymore lol.

---

Spaghetti. 

Am making a meat sauce.... tonight? 

Am excited. ^^ 

(and I can finally use up some lingering ingredients)