chiefs

right now, i'm just a little star struck by all of the chiefs in obgyn. they're all really freaking cool. it's the sheer confidence, i think. or just how much they know.

one of them was in the middle of delivering twins (cephalic and breech). Cephalic, no trouble of course. Breech was getting a little worrisome and people started getting frantic and prepping for a c-section - and she goes, no i got it - and the baby just slides right out. No forceps, no vacuum; just keeping the baby's neck flexed with hand positioning. Cool as a cucumber, deft hands, and too freaking cool.

excuse me, but total admiration right now -

Measured

I know I skew too much in the direction of over-thinking, measured responses, and plans. And it transitions into how I get to know people. I like direct questions and answers. But it hardly translates into spontaneity or getting to know someone "organically".

Gracious, that's probably why I don't like that term so much. Organic. It was tossed around so much during ccf. To let things happen organically, naturally, to let it take its course. I dislike it because that's pretty much the opposite of all of my actions. It just makes so much more sense to me to ask about whatever I'm curious about rather than wait for it to come up "naturally" in conversation. Because I find too often that it most likely will not happen naturally. Or that process would take years instead of a few conversations.

Too deep, too quickly, not spontaneous, not organic.

I read this online and it bothered me deeply.
"These questions are not interesting to me. All we're sharing is well-polished stories about who we think we are or what we've been through, that might or might not relate to who we are. All it will lead is to create filters for how we perceive each other: we'll start to interpret each other through the lense of these stories. I want to get to know you by being with you, not through the stories you tell about yourselves. And I want you to get to know me in the same way."

That whole statement is the opposite of how I get to know people. Not necessarily the "well-polished" stories. But yeah, I do have different perceptions of people after knowing their background and stories that they tell. Isn't that how it works? I don't even understand what it means to get to know someone by "being with a person". Who are you, if you are not a conglomeration of stories from your past? Is "being with you" doing activities together? Or just letting the things you might share come spontaneously and organically? I just don't understand.

I don't understand the concept of "organic" at all.

Aren't scheduled meetings and time set aside for a lunch conversation not-organic? Why is something that happens randomly or not on scheduled better than something planned? Is it because direct questions cause your answers to be less real? Or planned sharing session causes the sharing to be forced?

And if organic truly is better, then how does one even let that happen? It's all random and spontaneous and there is no way I could even possibly "improve" on these type of encounters. Then does it become instinctive and an inherent part of your person?

I just don't get it.

I know that in the long run it doesn't really matter because everyone is different and have different methods blah blah blah etc. I just wonder if I'm doing the whole thing wrong.

Face

Who I am may only be seen in slices. 

Even the moon only shows half its face in its entirety. Thus: how then can you imagine that you have seen all of someone else's faces? 

Stress

Snappish. Resident is taking out her bad mood on us. It sucks. I know you're busy and stressed. But yeah, you are not fun to be around right now. 

Delighted

I was the ultrasound clinic today. Mostly boring because I couldn't do that much. Learned a bit, but lots of down time. 

Watching the moms watching the baby move is pretty darn adorable. They always get this smile. 

And we often got to tell the mother which gender the child is!! Some of them already knew. But there was one where the husband came in too and he just had this enormous grin when we asked if they wanted to know the gender. We searched a bit and the attending put up the little "it's a boy!" sign on the screen. And the father just whooped and laughed and did not stop grinning even when they were leaving the room. 

Pretty darn adorable, I must say. 

Dawn

I have a new appreciation for dawn and sunrise.
I don't have much difficulty waking up, but I really can't say I'm a morning person. Especially in college where I'd rather sleep till noon.

But now that I have to wake up (often way earlier than the sun), I am really struck by how beautiful it all is. My current rotation is on the 10th floor and when we finish with rounds around 7 am or so... you can just look out of the elevator corridor and over the entire medical center. And spread out in view is that gorgeous scenery of sunrise and the entire medical center.
And it really is so lovely.

I am glad there are beautiful things in this world.

an inevitability

Everybody has their own struggles.
Everybody has their own silences.

What you see is not necessarily what is true.

Don't confuse a smile for a life without difficulties.

I am not strong at all.