busy

there is something mind-numbing about being busy. it leaves you with no time to do anything but the bare necessities.

work. eat. sleep. try to keep up with friends. cook. do. do. do.

no time to think or worry or consider the future.

Quarter Life Crisis

I think I'm having a quarter life crisis.
What am I doing? Do I want to be doing this? Why is my life like this?

---

-later in the day edits-

Midnight coffee ramblings where I am desperate and tired and sick of trying.

Would I ever survive without my friends and family?
So much gratitude for people to lean on. Distance may separate us, but my affection for you surely transcends that. I hope that I am someone that they can lean on as well when times are hard.

A wise word from my mom, who has always been the sturdiest of all sturdy rocks, who I would want to model my personality, who has so much wisdom:
Everything has an impact, and the people who love you feel the waves you make. Both the good and the bad.

Grateful that they absorb the bad; but I need to work harder so that I can share good waves.

BLAH

feeling TIRED AND SICK OF EVERYTHING.

Introvert Battery

I am like a battery. I only have so much people-charge in me at a given time. And I ran out right after church, which was pretty crappy because then I felt pressured to eat with people anyway. So that was a horrible meal. Delicious, but horrible because I didn't want to talk at all.

And I didn't even have time to finish my book :(

Recharged and hopefully I can make it through the day. 

Groups

Had two fairly distinctive group outings this weekend so far. Both of them sorta kinda first time with the group, except for a friends that invited me into the group. 

First: A small group grill out. It was really fun. Serious CCF vibes in terms of feel of the group. Umm, a lot more type B than type A planning though. :/ (so not efficient). One of the pastors hung out with the group, which I thought was wow pretty indicative of the type of community they're trying to run, I was pretty impressed. The food was great, the company extremely welcoming and open. Good people, genuine conversations. Most of them sorta related to medical stuff, a lot of them had ink - I like that too. The only thing I worry about is that I might try to superimpose my experience from college into this new group. Not everything needs to be done the same. 

Second. Went floating on the river and loved it. It was a lot of pharmd's and a handful of med. I would love it even more if I went with a huge bunch of my good friends. I seriously wish a bunch of people weren't spread out across the country just so we could all float on the river together. 

I know the stereotype is loud, drunk people getting more drunk on the river.

But I swear it's super relaxing and the ultimate chill day. Super peaceful, a lovely balance of cold water and hot sun (getting that vitamin D yeah!), languid conversation, a couple of little rapids for excitement, the hilariousness of trying to stay together. It's great. With or without alcohol. And then if it's a group of close friends? Gah, it'd be a perfect hangout. 

Thoughts: Haha so different. I liked them both.  

extra

Just a random aside on on random thoughts:.

1A. business
- Dependence on business. Even though medicine is fairly necessary just in general, it is still dependent on the patient coming to the doctor for a service. It is still a... business (?).
- a surgeon needs to have enough patients. but anesthesiologists get business from surgeons. if you don't have a good relationship with surgeons, you don't have enough business.
- i suppose it's all assuming that you're private practice, not hospital contract.
- the anesthesiologist was kinda gossiping about her group and the people in it. some of the newer partners haven't established a good base of surgeons to work with yet and desperately needed work - so ended up asking if anyone wanted to sell their calls. like what? and it ranged from 350-750. i'm slightly flabbergasted. i mean, i don't know the exact rates and the pay for call, but they were desperate for business that they had to buy calls.

1B. gossip. there's too much. even in medicine. i don't think it's good to listen and talk too much about the so-and-so new surgeon hired in whatever hospital that said this and that. And even beyond gossip..... there's is definitely a type of work camaraderie that I don't think I understand.... There were a ton of people who talked really openly about their problems in passing. Like hey doc, how's it going? Meh, just paying spousal alimony and child support cuz it's the first of the month, doc. Uhhhh too much.

2. saying goodbye
- still do not know how to say goodbye properly. i just want to walk away. i think it's supposed to be slightly more emotional. but.... it's just another thing that happens in my life. am i really that sad? not really.....
- and how does one stay in casual-business-contact with someone? like... i know we're not friends, but i might want to keep in touch with you casually because we worked together and i think it's a good thing to do, but i don't really have anything to say to you except business.

3. eating
- i gained THREE pounds in the last month. lol. I am seriously amused. After losing about 3-5 lb from studying month, I gained it back. I blame my rotation, which had free food.

4. relationships
- my standards are probably too high....
- and i think i am not an easy person to get to know or to love. who i consider someone who is easy to love: incredibly accepting of flaws and faults, adaptable and flexible to the other person,
- first dates are increasingly annoying. can i just skip to the comfortable-with-you part?

5. FOMO
- i don't often consider myself someone who feels fomo too much. but i want to be in the loop intellectually. i want to know it's going on. i want to be invited (who doesn't?). but even if i'm not, i don't get offended (most of the time - depends on the situation and people).
- but i think.... i understand.

6. compliments
- I honestly DON'T TRUST COMPLIMENTS. An nice attending who says good job, I'm like... shifty eyes, do you actually mean that or are you trying to be nice? I'd rather know the truth. Or have constructive criticism. Save your compliments until I know it's true.
- he complimented me today and I was like.. thanks. HOW TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO COMPLIMENTS?