Hindsight logic

This is the most difficult thing about logic: to realize that your "logic" is not actually based on the facts of the matter, not actually based on "truth", but to recognize that you already know in your heart what you want the answer to be - and then look for the logic that supports that.

If that is true, then what could possibly change your mind?

No. You would first have to change your heart.

It is the most illogical thing in the world.
And yet, that is how it is.

---

sidenote about EM.
Ugh. I met someone in here who was incredibly rude-not-rude. It's the kinda physician who isn't actually rude, and yet he doesn't say any of the pleasantries to make someone feel comfortable. I've realized that I'm actually a lot "softer" than I thought I was.

---

introvert meter
It has been a really long time since I've so distinctly felt this, but today I was like.. holy freaking goodness, I cannot be around people for one more minute. I cannot talk to anyone otherwise I will be horribly rude and mean.
Good gosh.

s/p IM test

This has been the best weekend I've had in a long time. It was filled with the perfect amount of people and action and fun and self-relaxing-time. Not a real post, just a sort of documentation post for myself.

Finished the test and then made gumbo (which turned out fantastic). I am getting pretty good at making the roux. Finished the gumbo at J's house, adding the okra and shrimp. And then played a bit of Clue and Taboo with the asian crew. It was pretty fun, talked a bit of the IM test with Alice. Drank sips of some odd novelty Buddha beer, an amaretto with lime and coke, pretended to play Clue with Janet but totally gave up and just randomly guessed because we didn't care enough. Taboo was fun; I'm too competitive and I don't relax enough with games lol, but whatever. I wish I stayed longer, but no biggie.

And then sorta transitioned to the potluck with the IM folks at Paul's place. This is the few times that I have been the only girl in a group gathering. I'm hardly the girl that hangs with only boys by myself. I have more girlfriends than guys. It was just interesting I suppose. Half were married but didn't bring their wives. And I guess paul isn't that good friends with any other girls?? I'm not really sure. And Namjong didn't join us. But whatever. They were chill. It was too much medicine and not enough people. Honestly. If I was there or not, would it have made a difference? I think the mark of a comfortable gathering for me is if I know people. Still I guess it was interesting. It was all talk of medicine and poop jokes and stuff. There were quite a few moments where I was like.. wow, this is such a guy conversation. I wonder if it would've been different if I weren't there. Lots of urology innuendos and such.

 The twins are so rowdy and big! They picked a tomato for me to eat. Ate bulgolgi, pasta, salad, ate tons of delicious chocolate chip cookies. I liked it a lot. I got bit by a million mosquitoes though lol. Maybe I have diabetes, my blood is too sweet. It really didn't help that I wore tshirt/shorts and all the guys had long pants sigh.

Their house was so interesting. It was like another world. Flies were super annoying and everywhere. But they had such a vibrant backyard, kids playing, tomatoes growing, a neighborhood, the sun and bright blue sky in the back. All of it, it just seemed like such a domestic place compared to my apartment. But I like my apartment and my roommates and the quietness and my own room. I just wanted to comment on the difference between stages of life, I guess.

The Saturday: Woke up mildly early at 8:30 without an alarm because my body is a little silly and likes routines. It was a lovely waking up though, where awareness slowly creeps in and the sensation of lying in bed becomes reality and then you are awake, but it's okay if you don't open your eyes quite yet. Just lie there for a while, listen to the birds chirping outside, luxuriate in the sensation of stretching limbs in bed, and then when you feel like you've been lying for long enough, then that's when you open your eyes. So I woke up and ate breakfast. Kind of a meandering wake up and mosey on over to the kitchen feel. Yawning as I open the fridge, delighted that I went shopping yesterday and have fruit galore. That I have the choice of breakfast and can take my sweet time because I don't have anywhere to be. Sunbeams from the patio window, a quiet Saturday morning. I decide on Cheerios and strawberries. The strawberries are so sweet and my tea is soothing and I just spend time reading a book.

And then Fiesta. Went with the roommates, slathered on sunscreen, checked out a music festival that didn't have anything yet, so we walked to market square, tobin center, locks and dams, gorgeous jasmine and hibiscus flowers. turkey leg, sitting on the county steps, the river walk, such green and blooming flowers! especially with the yellow sunglasses, music festival, art museum with copper lines, running down the river walk with my phone and ID in hand and flipflops, funnel cake with chocolate/strawberries funnel cake.

I had a great time, I really did. It was all gorgeous blue sky, the smell of festival with fried foods, giant bowls of margaritas, sausage on a stick, snow cones, kettle corn, meat, the live music with the deep bass, the hot sun on my face and hair, the sunglasses sitting on my head, the sweat on my neck, the fair atmosphere, friends that laugh and joke, the crush of a festival crowd etc etc. It was lovely. It was everything I would hope for a day out.

Then we swam for a bit, which I absolutely adored because I haven't swam since so long. A brilliant sun and the cool water, slick on my skin.  A hard cider in a gatorade bottle. floating on my back, treading water, laughing with kiera, lying on the lounge chair with phil as the sun bakes my skin and the music plays. it's all sunshine and a spring that is on the verge of summer and relaxing and fun.

Then an absolutely gorgeous shower that cleans off sweat and sunscreen and chlorine, puzzles and nibbles. Shrimp, bacon wrapped scallops, and guac with chips. I read most of my Red Rising. Watched a bit of an action movie, music, crosswords, friends, and just general stay inside relaxation,

Sometimes I love life. I really do.

objective beauty

the moon in the dusk sky
the flutter of birds wings over head
the white flowers crushed like stars on the asphalt
the unexpected bloom of flowering trees
the feel of a breath expanding lungs after a run
the sound of lapping waves


keep your heart close
and your dreams wide.

MishMash

a mishmash of thoughts.

1. interlacing
- it is always extraordinary to me to realize that we step in and out of each other's lives so easily. i will probably never see my attending again. i spent a good four weeks with him. learned about his likes and dislikes, his dogs and his family, his motivations and his opinions on medicine, his half thoughts on politics. i feel like i know this person by now. and then i left his office after i thanked him for a good four weeks, and
that's it.

isn't it just so weird how easy it is to walk out of people's lives if you don't put any effort into it?

2. alcohol
- i definitely know what kind of drunk i am now. and also my warning signs before anything happens.

3. over noodles
- why does rice take so much longer to cook than noodles? i made a typical homestyle dish with eggs&tomatoes, a side of slightly pickled cucumbers, sliced chicken - supposed to go over rice. but i was too hungry to wait. sooo... over noodles.

4. contacts
- in love with my new contacts. i am no longer as blind as i was once.

5. burnout
- i think i really have hit the point of burnout. i feel like i'm steadily beatdown by studying and work and i really want a full week of doing nothing. but.... there's no time.
ugh.
it never ends.
and yet, i take breaks - but it is never enough to fully recover. what is wrong with me.

6. jasmine
- flowers on the bedstand. it is olfactory heaven.

breathe

deep breaths.
anxiety in the veins
calm in the arteries
let each breath draw into the lungs
and the fear flow like poison out
with each exhale

A whatever post

Whatever

whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever;
whatever whatever whatever-whatever

Whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever. Whatever what what ever what ever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever whatever.

whatever whatever
whatever
whateverwhatever whatever whatever whatever

whatever whateverwhatever whatever whatever.

WHATEVER.