Happiness

if i reflect on what is happiness,
what do i imagine.

the happiest day of my life, which one would i choose?
the happiest moment, what would that be?

emotions are so unreliable.

we cannot go chasing after emotions for an every lasting high.

there will never be a moment so happy that i can bask in that forever.
... can there be?

but does that mean i shouldn't be looking for happiness?

i want to be loved by more than God.

YES. isn't that blasphemy. To say that God is not enough for me. Why can't I have more?

Am I made of too much of this world now?

How is God enough to sustain
when i want to love and be loved and be respected and all these ridiculous emotions.

The world isn't fair. I already knew that.
But I still linger on that barest brush of hope - that there still might be happiness in store for me too.

God doesn't promise happiness. You know he doesn't. He promises to be the wind underneath your wings, to clothe you like the lilies of the valley, to know your name, to know how many hairs you have on your head, and that he is there. That he listens. And that if you drink of him, he will not leave you thirsty. That there will be a heaven, a place for you if you believe. He will be your daily bread. He will King of Kings and the alpha and the omega.

But God. Does. Not. Promise. Happiness.

and i am so tired of being unhappy.

Oh but Karen, what would make you happy. Happiness is not lasting. If you find a boy, if you have a great job, if you travel the world, if you have all these - even then, how do you know you will be happy?

I don't know.
I don't know.

But I still want it.
Is that okay?

God. How can you be enough for me when I want so much?

Quick thoughts

1. Casual friends.
It's hard for me to have them.

2. Love languages.
Obviously words of affirmation (if I believe you) and quality time. But I like touch more than I realized in my college years.

3. Curiosity.
Can kill the cat. But I am trying really hard to not be too interrogative or nosy.
.... I fail a lot of the times.

4. OSCEs
It was actually really good. I am surprised how much I think I needed to do that type of simulation.
Medical Errors. Autopsy. Consent. Family Discussion.

5. Beauty and the Beast
Not as feminist as I thought it was. But the songs are just as great.

6. Stress
Stressed out, more than I realized. Something about bootcamp, volunteering, and extra classes. Ugh, I shouldn't be this stressed, but I still am. Fix me, please.
Touching on that... am getting tension headaches almost daily now -___-" why does my body do this.

7. Groups.
I have a bad habit of ups and downs. Where upon I felt like I didn't have enough people interaction. And thus aimed to correct it by scheduling a lot of activities with different subgroups of friends. And now I feel like I am committed to too many groups now. Which is a very odd feeling now because I think too many things are getting double booked, or I have to say no.

8. Eating healthy.
Gained 5ish lbs from Fredericksburg. Mostly because I didn't cook at all. Then I put off shopping for 2 weeks. Yay me. Now I went grocery shopping. Ugh now I have to cook

9. Is God good?
The ultimate question.
God does not promise you a "good" life. He does not promise you a "successful" life.
It is a hard pill to swallow.

10. .... I need to learn to how to casual.

Ecclesiastes

Ecclesiastes is, without any question, my favorite book of the Bible.

It has been, since for as long as I can remember. Middle school, maybe?

Today, two dear friends showed me something called the Bible Project.

WATCH THIS

Dear goodness. It is everything I believe. 

And their shorts on Proverbs and Jobs make me realize why I really don't love those books as much. 

Just ugh. It's so good. It is so on point. 

Language

Here is a truth that I am starting to believe: There is no "norm" when it comes to relationships. 

What works for one friendship may not work for another. What works in your romantic relationship may not work in another. But none of it is wrong. It simply is.

You make your own normal. And stop worrying so much about what it means to be normal or basing your actions and expectations on what you perceive as normal and just freaking be.

Of Doing

Wineries with dear friends and sleepovers.

On the last weekend of my Fredericksburg rotation, my small group girls came up to visit me and do wine tastings and sleepovers and delicious food outings.

The weather sucked. It was grey skies, sheer rain that felt like walking in cold mist, and a chilly wind that slithered under your coat. But it couldn't stop the laughter, warmth of conversation, and talks that made us feel known.

I've never done a wine tasting, and I am really, really glad they came so I could. The small sips of wine, the rolling of the wrist to swirl the wine, discussing with the employees about the delicate flavors, moving from dry white to rose to full-bodied reds to sweet whites and dessert. Tasting the wood and cherry, and thinking about what kind of wine I like. It was a lot of fun.

And then taking a bottle to just sit down and talk. It was what I hope in my friendships. It's not the 4 am, soul-baring discussions - but it was a talk of learning and struggles and emotions and of this is who i am and where i am at and just thank you God for putting these girls in my life. All of with a glass of red at my lips and the cold wet mist on our cheeks.

We karaoked and danced around the room and ate cookies and laughed too hard. My throat hurt after it all, my cheeks hurt from smiling. We talked through the night and fell asleep talking. We woke up and did it all over again. I am extremely grateful that I somehow did not run out of emotional energy throughout the whole week.

Friendship is a wondrous thing, more beautiful than jewels, more precious than gold.

Wrap Up

My time in this little city is coming to an end, and I am pouring out my thoughts like water from a jug, just to see how it flows and where it will run downstream. With lit candles around me and water in a wine glass and a house full of 1920s paisley print and cowboy motifs.

It wasn't as completely isolated as one might expected, since I went back to SA every weekend. And that dose of friendship and community is on par with what I normally have, even if I were in the city. I don't know how I would have fared if I didn't drive back. Lonelier maybe. Definitely.

But I definitely tasted solitude and loneliness a lot more in these four weeks. I really tried to make the most of my time here and play the tourist - as I do not usually do so in cities that I live for four years (e.g. Houston and SA). Walking down Main St, wandering through Ladybird Park, climbing Enchanted Rock, trying out foods and wines, drinking a pint at bars, etc.

I don't think I particularly like doing things by myself, these type of activities that are normally done with a significant other or a group of friends. But it is interesting. It is a lot more restful, a lot more internal-seeking, a state of mind that is pondering. It is easy to get lost in my own mind sometimes. But I also think I do notice more about the world around me when I am alone.

Solitude. It is not terribly difficult, not really. I get to do all the things I want. I wander around random trails, jump over creeks, pause for too long at a strange rock, decide to check out linen stores, kick back and enjoy my favorite music on repeat that goes on and on until I get sick of it myself, light a candle. And in solitude, there is much time of self-observation and reflection and considering of thoughts.

But I want to share these moments. These moments where I climb to the top of Enchanted Rock and my heart is beating a tattoo and my ears are tingling from the cold and I stare at the sky and marvel at how close I seem to the clouds. Where I feel the warmth of a fire and the taste of a sharp red wine at a cozy restaurant. Where I try schnitzel or goat or venison chili for the first time. It doesn't "change" me irrevocably. Not at all. But it is just part of my life and experience now and sometimes I can bring them up in conversations to relate to people or interest them or move the conversation along. But I can't get rid of that feeling of wanting to share all these experiences with someone dear to me and then later turn around and say, laughing, don't you remember when...?

I want to build memories with people. Not just with myself.
That, that, is my main disappointment of solitude.
I am not afraid of being alone. I am not afraid of doing things by myself.
But I want it all to have meaning.

----

Living.
There was a darling golden retriever at the place I stayed. I realize that if I ever get a pet, it absolutely cannot shed haha.

I got along with the person who lived in the front of the house. But I think my strengths in building relationships with people are listening and asking questions. Very rarely I give too much about myself out unless asked. But she works in promotion and charity work for the hospital and asking for donations. So she is a talker. The energetic kind, bubbly and emphatic and..... superficial? That isn't the right word. She really isn't superficial in the sense of "fake" or only concerned about appearances. But I could definitely tell when she was "on" and trying to generate excitement for certain programs. But I am the same way, aren't I? To be a conversationalist in a group or crowd or party, to move things along, I do it too. None of that is fake - just using different parts of yourself.

Kindness does not always seem genuine.

I think I realize that even more in here. That type of "Southern" kindness. It is almost a polite type of kindness. But does that mean they actually care? Likely not. But it is the norm. The courtesy of asking how you are, even if you're passing by. I think I've been called darling, sweetie, dear, honey way more than I ever had here.

---

I went to a country club for pilots and other people who have the money with the person who owns the place I'm staying. It was this ritzy place with wine and a cheese platter and live music. It was small talk about politics and their vacations to Switzerland and Europe and business and real estate. It was.... I don't know. Surreal? Another type of culture shock. That internal feeling of these are not my people. They were lovely people. But the whole thing, the area and cost of the glass of wine and ambiance and the type of conversation that screams wealth and willing to spend it.... I don't think I ever could.

But it was.... something that I don't want to forget. Because I hadn't been in that situation before. And isn't it because I only make certain type of friends? I need to broaden my horizons. How? These are the type of friends that are not deep friends. They are the ones you ask to come out for a glass of wine, or ask about your vacation, or gossip a little. But do they go to each other for problems? I don't know, but I would guess not.

I have such a hard time making those types of friends.
HA probably because I think its effort to go out! Too much energy wasted to make those type of friends.

But dang, I wish I could because those are the types that succeed in business and making connections.

I can fake being an extrovert for only so long.

---

Small towns are weird. Weird, but.... understandable.
Except for their politics.
Hahaha.
Politics.
Fully right wing conservatives, Fox news, no empathy for the other side, 100% gun-loving.
Exposure is that main thing. It really is. If I were born into this type of small town vibe and grew up here and lived here my whole life and never left, I would bet I'd be the same. I'd probably grow up learning how to shoot guns and raising goats and going to the stockshow and voting down the Republican party line.
But I didn't. And I smiled and nodded multiple times and just kept eating whatever food I could so I wouldn't have to talk.
But I am starting to see how Trump won in Texas by such a landslide. I was surprised because within all of the metropolitan areas, it is fairly blue. Most of my friends are left of center, with a some exceptions. But I can see why here.
There is so much bias. I must always keep an eye on my own as well.

There is so much agriculture here - or "ag", as they would say here. So many cattle, goats, sheep, and so many people own ranches. I..... am completely out of my depth here haha. It is definitely a surprise. I see where all the stereotypes come from... and all of them would apply here haha.

---

Dreams.
I've been having vivid dreams again. The kinds that linger and I remember and sometimes I think back and wonder if that was memory or dream.
I find myself sleeping too much these days.
I thought it was because the wifi here sucks (oh small town problems) and I couldn't surf the internet or watch netflix or whatever, so out of boredom I just went to bed earlier.
But these dreams really are quite vivid.
I see, I feel, and sometimes I wake up with my heart beating too quickly.
Sleep.
I wish it were different.

---

Hospital.
In all of my experience in ORs, most of them have been professional. Of course all attendings have their own style and personalities. But never had I ever had such a crude OR as one here. Frat boy attending, crude humor with every comment, and the nurse, scrub techs, and anesthesiologist all shifted their personalities to match the attending. I am incredibly uncomfortable with it all. I don't mind a little crude humor, and I do like some deadpan wit; but sometimes it is genuinely not kind. Jokes at the expense of other people, some are the butt of jokes, rude gossip, exchanges jokingly asking for sexual favors. I can't do this type of OR. I really can't. He's a good surgeon. And he's actually a good teacher as well. But.

I realize this about myself. I am actually incredibly quiet - especially when I am uncertain and don't trust the people around me. I think I always have been - that is my natural state of being. I only learned to be more talkative because I had to. Somehow I need to learn the skill of talking even if I am uncertain.

On a certain nurse. I hadn't been that angry in a long, long time. When the nurse pulled me aside to tell me that I was "pushy" and was intruding on her job. I don't love confrontation. But I am not going to keep my mouth shut either if things like that happen. I am literally paying to be there and to learn. If it is anyone's right to be in the middle of the surgery, it's me. I am not "under" anyone, even if I'm only going to be there for four weeks. And let me just say, if you are not pushy in the OR, then you are not going to be doing anything. What do you expect me to do, just watch quietly from the corner? I might as well not scrub in. I was furious. I hated that room's OR culture, I got a lecture about my "place" in the procedure, and just ugh.
The conclusion is this: the whole OR changes to the surgeon's personality.
And this: you cannot always avoid conflict.

---

Amusing.
I generally wear a bit of eyeliner and tinted lip balm. I think I ate something and the lip balm rubbed off. A scrub tech looked at me and asked, where's your lips?
I was like.... on my face? but didn't actually say that.

I think that phrasing is hilarious. Where are your lips? Where are your eyes?
But it also goes to show you that people notice your make up.

---

I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, 
a chasing after the wind.

Why, then, do I still chase after the wind?