On quasi-Christianity things

Felt frustrated today at Bible study because they asked if we had "ever been in a situation where we turned away from God, despite his promises, because of someone's (or yourself's) disbelief?" Just like the Israelites going to Canaan and not believing in God (Num 13-14, I think).

And then people offered up situations where they were certain of their path in life and then other people laughed or shook their heads, etc.
Uhhhh how does that make any logical sense? That's normal. Even that happens to people who aren't Christian. So how is it different?
It seems to me more that it's looking at what exactly are God's promises to us before asking that question. Otherwise we might as well just be a self-help group for personal issues.
It's more like a let's-be-open! scenario that only tangentially relates.

Or spiritual warfare.... I have a lot of uncertainty on this issue.
T- shared his story about spiritual warfare about the enemy putting thoughts of doubt and lack of self-worth before he was going on a health care trip.
Is it spiritual warfare, or just general anxiety?
Even non-Christians go through doubt and lack of self-worth.
So why do we call it spiritual warfare when Christians go through it?

-_____-"

At the end of the day, there should be a difference that sets us apart as children of God. Whether it's a peace, or joy through suffering, or our attitudes towards certain things, the reason behind our actions, or whatever, there should be something.
So when I don't see any difference at all, I am skeptical.

>.<

Cooking to-do list

I like to-do lists. They organize things.

After my test,


Cooking to-do list:

1. gumbo with okra
2. chicken pot pie w/ pie crust cookies
3. quiche ina crock pot
4. mapo tofu

or maybe just canned soup.... (the lazy way out)

Preceptorship

My preceptor is a plastic surgeon!!!

Maybe he'll be super cool and I'll end up wanting to do plastics. :O

Not what I expected, but I'm excited ^^

CMDA

Christian Medical & Dental Association.

Went to their Bible study on... er? Tuesday. Ah yes, my days are blurring together.

Went through Hebrews.
As HCC had that Sunday school on it, I didn't really learn anything "new". But it was good, really good. Solid stuff there.

I liked the community, but in the end, it was a Bible study - not a fellowship.

But people stuck around and talked afterwards. But there was no time designated for personal interaction and questions of how is your spiritual life? how are you? no really, how are you? 

Maybe my expectations are skewed from CCF, but I'm still hoping to find something vaguely similar.

But it was good. I will probably go again next week.

Still on the search, God leading.

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Sleep is a luxury I can always afford. Except I always choose not to. I am like a peasant scrabbling for the scraps. Subsisting on snatches of twenty-winks and guilty moments where I can't stand being awake anymore. It's crazy that I've already gotten to this point only one month in. I haven't yet succumbed to coffee.... but it's tempting. Very tempting.

---

Riddle me this:
Do you love what you do?

Pancakes

Assuming 3 pancakes per meal, and given 3 meals a day, I have about 18 pancakes I need to eat.

Humility

Humility. Let me practice this.
Patience. Let me find strength in those moments.


It's too easy for me to be critical of other people's mistakes, especially when it affects me.
It's like that psychology terminology that states that you believe that your mistakes comes from your situation, but other people's mistakes come from inherent personality problems.
"I tripped over the rock because the stupid rock was hidden and never should have been there."
"You tripped over the rock because you're clumsy. Silly person."

An overview

There is something to be said about the "asian" way of connecting people with one another, breaking that one degree of separation. The first thing that happens when you go to a new place is anybody you know will say something along the lines of "oh I know so-and-so there, let me get in contact with him/her so he/she can show you around".

This is just a tad strange for me to recognize because I am no stranger to silence or large amount of time alone, but it's a little lonely in San Antonio despite the numerous of people I knew from Rice or even my high school. It's hard cutting through all the social crap niceties and getting to the real person.

So far I am not too worried by med school. Rice prepared me well. Bioc and anatomy. I'll be okay for the first few weeks at least.
The long hours are annoying though. It's more time consuming than college by far. Not just the studying. The classes. The lectures. The required hours.
But all of that is manageable. Even the feeling of always being slightly behind, or not studying enough. It's okay, it's manageable.
Instead. 
I'm worried I'm going to hate it here, I'm worried that I won't find a fellowship that grows me, that challenges me, that I would love with all my heart. I'm worried of losing who I am, I'm worried that med school will pull out the ugly as if sifting the stressed emotions and intense competitor out from the fruits of the spirit qualities I hope to grow in myself.

2 Corinthians cut to the bone yesterday.

⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰ We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹ For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.

Hopefully I will turn around in four years and see that this moment in time was just a slice of transition wedged in between periods of growth.


---

I've forgotten how to be alone.
Tell me that's a good thing, because right now I don't know if it is. 
Except, of course it is.
Of course it is.


---

Anatomy is probably my favorite thing right now, despite that it's hours of ___.
I was thinking ortho, but maybe not anymore. I don't really like bone saws or chisels. They're a little too imprecise for me.

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This Sunday morning found me in a movie theater, carefully sitting down in a plushy movie theater chair, smelling that sharp butter scent of popcorn. And then the music started and the theater filled with mostly young adults lifted their voices for Jesus's glory.
Despite its unconventional location, I loved the message today. On greatness. Mark 10. Whereas the world can only see greatness as clawing your way up, despite who you step on, to get to the top, Jesus says the servant will be the first. Coming out of the second week of med school where I am just determined to get good grades and do well, it is a brilliant reminder that I chose this path to serve others, above all else.

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Now that you have finished reading my blog, you know too much of me already. A one way mirror that shows you watching me questioning and wondering and trying live this life to the best of my ability and failing, always failing. Always being picked up by my Savior. Drowning and breathing in water as if it were air, and Jesus breaking my ribs to save me until I breathe air instead.

How are you?

Sense

In one fell swoop, God answered my questions lingering from a long talk with a friend and also my own frustrations with myself. 

2 Peter 1

Where he talks of how we are to pursue our calling and to continually add to our faith with goodness, knowledge, self control, and other virtues, and of course love. 

A much needed reminder as I am still defining my goals and expectations for myself. 

And the last part on the prophets speaking truth and not human interpretation was interesting. And I'll come back to it, but I'm regretfully exhausted and I know my body needs sleep for tomorrow's work. 

Even a short quiet time where my heart is open is worth every second in hours. 

Frugality

“Compra solamente lo necesario, no lo conveniente. Lo innecesario, aunque cueste un solo céntimo, es caro”.

“Buy only what is necessary, not what is convenient. What is unnecessary, even if it only costs one cent, is expensive."

health care as a right

Finished my first test of med school, nbd.
Surprisingly ethics/professionalism/principalism/law making can be interesting. Very interesting. Depends on how it's presented or taught. This week had a mix of both, obviously.

But here is the thing that I cannot understand about our health care system.

If there is someone on the verge of dying and requires an ICU bed, the hospital is legally required to let that person stay in the ICU indefinitely, even without means of paying or insurance.
What?
If an illegal immigrant jumps the border and ends up nearly dying and is sent to the hospital, the hospital might decide that it's cheaper to just send him back to Mexico with a ventilator that costs 20 grand. (real story at SA). But it's cheaper because a stay in the ICU is 5 k/day.
What?
I don't freaking understand how this can happen.
Well, actually, ethically I understand how it happens. Because the moment you remove these patients from their machines, they will die. And in America, nope nope nope. Doesn't work like that. Here, we can't put a price on someone's life. Except, when they aren't close to death or in an emergency -life, limb, eyes, labor- then sure we can slap on a bill that is insanely high to cover the unpaid cost.

Now, I am not saying that anyone's life can be measured in importance comparatively to anyone else's life. But when I view these types of situation, it just doesn't make sense to me, practically speaking. So, who is deserving of health care? What if someone were to try to go through legal channels and get health care in America? Nope, we'll make you wait, and then ask you pay through your nose for this stuff. But in this, it's almost as if we're rewarding people who collapse at your front door. I just think that all of health care in America is short sided and very emotional. You want to save the person at the doorstep no matter the cost, rather than the millions of people with close to the same exact condition.
It shouldn't be about the money. I didn't go into med school for the money, I don't think health should be contingent on money or insurance.
But it is.
Because some hospitals are for-profit, because there are bills to pay, because there are HMOs, and there are bills that never get paid and has to be made up somewhere else.
The numbers will all have to balance sometime and I think most of the American health care system is deluding itself in thinking it'll all work out in the end somehow.

You have a right to health care. But do you have a right to unlimited health care? I really don't think so. There is such thing as limited resources and justice for the many. Maybe this is a little too utilitarianism, but it is just so much more rational - so much more sensible.

Like food banks. I think this is almost a near perfect analogy. When you give money to charity, food banks ask you to donate to them because they can stretch the dollar so much further due to their connections with grocery stores or whatnot. But instead, most people give to the person who approaches them on the street. Which is great and fine and not a bad thing. But really, that money could rationally be better spent at the food bank. Okay, yes I'm discounting the emotional benefits and the human connection - but that's my point. It's so much more efficient! But it's not the response a empathetic human being would give when a dying person is sitting at your door. We want to help and saying, sorry that goes beyond our budget allocated for this sort of thing doesn't cut it for the policymakers. Instead, we say that was a person, a mother a father a daughter a son and how can you dare put a price on human life?! This goes to show you what horrible people doctors are because they are more concerned about the money than helping people. 
 

It almost makes me want to go into policy and shake a couple people really hard until something makes sense.
But that's the problem - it's not a couple of people. It's a whole bunch of randomly created rules that somehow manages to exist because it's harder to change for the better than just deal with the strangeness that is our health care.

I do acknowledge that I have not done enough research to be able to understand all the ins and outs of current hospitals rules or Obamacare that will be implemented soon. But that is also pretty telling... if someone who is invested in this system is already a little uncertain of exactly where money is coming and going in the healthcare system, then how would anybody really know?
I think it's a strange matter of too much/too little information. There is so much information that it's hard to sift out the relevant material. I hardly have the time to read through all of Obamacare legislation. Sure, I know the jest of it, but I couldn't recite dates of change each specific change. So then, without this knowledge, how do we even know how to fix things for the better?

Going off on this too, it brings up the consideration that as a person in the health care world, are we allowed to have opinions?
Ha, my first response to that was duh, of course I'm going to have opinions.
But then, if you start speaking publicly about your opinions on what the limitations of health care you can give to people, patients might not trust you as much. Because here, health care -unlimited health care- is a right.
I'm already starting to wonder if this post is okay to go public or not. Mrk. I might switch it to private if I get a little too concerned. But for now it'll be okay?

Sigh. After going to the UK to see how their health care works, I just can't help but get frustrated at America. It's so disorganized, but it stays that way because it benefits certain groups - and those groups definitely have power in Congress. Well, that and also it's kinda hard to cut something off entirely and implement something new. Hence why Obama is doing the slow transition and by 2014 everyone must have some sort of health insurance. Stuff like that.
It's a system that's broken, but pieced together by duct tape and fraying strands of money and debt. But people hate change. And heh.

One thing is for certain. I need to know more about policy in the future.

A case of the envies.

I've been having a case of the envies, of the inferiorities, of the burdens, and the lazies.
It's easy to dream of being someone else and say what-if and pretend.
But it's useless if you just dream your life away. My brother told me that at age six. Wise words.
I'm not perfect. Nor virtuous, or patient, or intelligent or wise or empathetic or whatever qualifies as a perfect person.
What you see is what you get.
I am who I am. Human. Flawed. Sinful. And only God can change me. And I only want to change where God leads me. Everything else is obsolete. I only want to be swayed by truth. Not by people. Not by pretty words or envious thoughts or false arguments.
God made me me after all.
And I'll trust that He has some purpose to making that crazy decision.