there are times where so much has happened that it becomes vaguely overwhelming to even think about writing it all down in a post. whether for documentation purposes or general memory or sharing or whatever. there is always something lost. experiences get pared down into simple paragraphs, emotions are left unsaid, conversations are skipped over entirely.
nevertheless, i am glad.
i hadn't been back to taiwan in approximately 12 years.
i had a lot of thoughts going back - who wouldn't?
1. it is a bit of an odd feeling to realize that i am simply playing tourist in a place where i have so many family ties. despite going around with my cousins and talking to all my relatives, despite knowing (mostly) knowing the language, i really am american. i really am
asian-american. and that combination is whole different thing entirely.
2. it was so, so strange to be around extended family. in america, my family is my nuclear family. i might see second cousins or whatnot, but their presence in my life is fairly fleeting. but in taiwan, hanging around cousins for days made me wonder what it would be like to have a bigger family.
3. and tying into that thought above, this is the first time i realized how much of a decision my parents made to stay in america. they've been here for more than 30 years.
longer time than they lived in taiwan. but talking to my uncle, he made a passing comment about how having my dad, his younger brother, leave to america and not return was like losing a right arm (mostly with regards to the family company). and in light of me leaving out of state, my parents have made a
much larger move than i ever, ever will. but also. it's one of those perspective moments where i think it must have been very, very hard for them when they first came.
4. taiwan was hot and humid. and it had the most delicious mangoes. i ate mangoes every moment i could. and here's the thing. the food is still like homestyle to me. even though i wrote that i was playing tourist and i don't really belong in taiwan (i don't), the food is comfort food. even going to places like din tai fong or rou xao, all this food is familiar. as if i could belong here if i wanted to. and while my chinese is not great, even in the two weeks, i sometimes had the inkling that maybe i could make it here if i wanted. and of course my uncle continually told my brother and i that we would always have a place to live if we wanted to stay and learn taiwan. it's just one of those things that makes you wonder how much more different your life would be if one thing changed.
5. but then.... there's some family drama around my dad's side of the family company. but as the "american family", we have exactly zero interest in it and completely don't care. so maybe it's better to not have those specific family problems.
6. it was weird how i could see such similarities through my family. the way my dad and uncle are so similarly stubborn about arguments, the ways eyes are shaped. the physical and the non-physical. i hadn't had a chance to realize the ways families can be similar.
7. traveling through taiwan with my cousins was beautiful and lovely and wonderful. we climbed mountains, ate so much food, went bicycling next to the shore, roamed through night markets, went up to taipei 101, drank so much tea, ate desserts, took a ferry, watched the sunset with a huge shaved ice the size of my head. we went to tai chong with my mom's side uncle and walked more mountains, ate the most delicious dessert, had a taste test o the dessert, made the jellies, walked a shore, saw crabs, went to the Sun Moon Lake, watched the sun turn the world into a beautiful painting, shopped. these are the days that i want to remember.
8. japan was..... shrug. i need to go back to experience it differently.
9. i sometimes think that i have not experienced enough. i have not gone to enough countries. i have not traveled enough. i have not seen enough.
9.5 and interlude thought: sometimes i wonder if it's fomo. when i see other people traveling, i feel like i am missing out on life experiences. and then i wonder if i am stagnant as a person if i have not pushed myself to explore and try new things. but then talking to a friend who has the most beautiful instagram photos, she laughing told me how her utterly professionally looking beautiful cake (made of dragonfruit powder for a purple-jellied top over a mango mousse) tasted horrible - but the picture was incredible. so the obvious answer is that photos are hardly representative of true life. and fomo is just made up in your head.
9.7 but i just don't know if i believe it because i do think there is value in experience new things. whether the cake tastes like crap or not, she still made it. whether the trip to ireland or new zealand or thailand or peru was crap, you still went.
10. i am glad to be home. but even coming home is only a temporary transition before my next move.
