I have been learning the meaning of solitude lately.
What it means to do things on my own purely for the sole enjoyment of what I am doing and myself.
Walking a nature trail
Star gazing
Eating at a new restaurant
Taste testing samples at a peach farm
All of those things are something that are commonly done with people.
With.
But for me, I just find myself thinking more and more by myself.
Soaking in the moment of wherever I am,
wondering random thoughts,
wandering aimlessly to my own desire,
trying to be present in the moment.
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Extra
1. Cat Valente
Just holy smokes. She is so well read. And her writing is so beautiful.
I wish I were more well read and I could write like that.
I am curious about the new show on Zelda Fitgerald.
2. Calling
My small group asked about what we thought was our calling these days. Both long term and short term.
And I paused.
Because I honestly
don't know.
I thought I had it all figured out when I was in college. And then somewhere in between the textbooks and the white coat, I've lost sight of everything.
-edit-
3. Wifi
Dang. I have so many thoughts that I want to write down.
Not having consistent wifi for more than half the week is seriously messing me up. I really do rely on blogs to reflect.
4. Those
Picnic
Floppy straw hats and a maxi skirt, warm weather with a hint of a breeze, a picnic basket, cut fruit, a small pond with white feathered geese, a box of Mexican desserts, a slow promenade, a discussion of books and love and words, good conversation, laughter.
Evening tea time.
Lavender green tea, jasmine tea, beautiful gold rimmed tea cups, a learning session of cutting fruit. demon kitties, a soft conversation, gentle questions, sharing life, music in the background.
If I can fill my life with these types of moments
my life would be so full.
Let me cling to these experiences, to these moments, to the times where good friends text me randomly, where tea is poured and experiences are shared, where I know there are people in my life that are God-sent, where I see blessing in every moment.
And You will renew me.
Tell me that is true.
Just holy smokes. She is so well read. And her writing is so beautiful.
I wish I were more well read and I could write like that.
I am curious about the new show on Zelda Fitgerald.
2. Calling
My small group asked about what we thought was our calling these days. Both long term and short term.
And I paused.
Because I honestly
don't know.
I thought I had it all figured out when I was in college. And then somewhere in between the textbooks and the white coat, I've lost sight of everything.
-edit-
3. Wifi
Dang. I have so many thoughts that I want to write down.
Not having consistent wifi for more than half the week is seriously messing me up. I really do rely on blogs to reflect.
4. Those
Picnic
Floppy straw hats and a maxi skirt, warm weather with a hint of a breeze, a picnic basket, cut fruit, a small pond with white feathered geese, a box of Mexican desserts, a slow promenade, a discussion of books and love and words, good conversation, laughter.
Evening tea time.
Lavender green tea, jasmine tea, beautiful gold rimmed tea cups, a learning session of cutting fruit. demon kitties, a soft conversation, gentle questions, sharing life, music in the background.
If I can fill my life with these types of moments
my life would be so full.
Let me cling to these experiences, to these moments, to the times where good friends text me randomly, where tea is poured and experiences are shared, where I know there are people in my life that are God-sent, where I see blessing in every moment.
And You will renew me.
Tell me that is true.
Thursday, January 19, 2017
Solitude
1. A Walk in Nature
A trail that crossed a creek and ran past cattle and on through next to a rock outcropping.
It was all Texas blue sky, where it almost hurts to just stare up and up at that brilliant, cloudless blue.
It was the tiny green buds on winter-brittle branches, the small grey birds perched on the treetops like ornaments.
It was the bubbling of the water, the burbling sounds of the creek, and the gentle ripples that were cool on my fingertips.
It was the make-shift wooden planks as a bridge, the water rushing over my shoes as I leave wet footprints.
It was the sun pouring gold over the world and reflecting off of the water, the sun beating on my skin and warming my skin, the breeze tickling my hair.
It was watching lines and lines of leaf cutters ants marching back and forth, carrying their enormous burden of leaves.
And the stillness of my soul in all of this, despite the sound of rippling water, the taste of hill country breeze crispness, the warmth of light and rays, the sight of my shadow falling onto the rocks from the four o'clock sun, and the beautiful beautiful sight of nature all around me. And it all makes me wonder is this beauty in solitude or just loneliness.
But sometimes, the world is still. And I am still.
And I
am.
---
2. On Longing and Status Quo
Does everyone have a sort of longing in their hearts? Is anyone truly, fully fulfilled?
I find myself, sometimes, so envious of other people even though I know I have so much and that they also have difficulties and blah blah blah and that comparison is the thief of joy and yeah I know all of that. But I want.
Isn't the answer to that: go out and do what I want. Find it. Go after it. Don't just let myself waste away in the status quo. Don't settle. Don't settle. Don't listlessly just pause your life. GO.
I find myself so jaded these days.
This is a truth these days: I have an unsatisfied heart.
---
3. Joy
Count it all joy, he says.
Is happiness something that I must claw out from the mundanes of life myself? That I must search desperately for the objective beauty in the world? That I must remind myself daily of the lovely things that make me smile? Because if I do not, then it is just empty satisfaction and a weary soul.
I have never thought I wanted rose-colored lenses - but sometimes I wish that I had a disposition more suited for happiness. Is there such a thing?
Maybe I just write this in a time or moment where I feel too much. Perhaps I must give myself another few hours and let this pass.
But, my dear friend would probably tell me, happiness is not joy, is it.
If then
let me find a way to fill my cup.
That I might fill my soul until it brims and then overflows
that I might pour into others.
Count it all joy.
Count it all joy.
A trail that crossed a creek and ran past cattle and on through next to a rock outcropping.
It was all Texas blue sky, where it almost hurts to just stare up and up at that brilliant, cloudless blue.
It was the tiny green buds on winter-brittle branches, the small grey birds perched on the treetops like ornaments.
It was the bubbling of the water, the burbling sounds of the creek, and the gentle ripples that were cool on my fingertips.
It was the make-shift wooden planks as a bridge, the water rushing over my shoes as I leave wet footprints.
It was the sun pouring gold over the world and reflecting off of the water, the sun beating on my skin and warming my skin, the breeze tickling my hair.
It was watching lines and lines of leaf cutters ants marching back and forth, carrying their enormous burden of leaves.
And the stillness of my soul in all of this, despite the sound of rippling water, the taste of hill country breeze crispness, the warmth of light and rays, the sight of my shadow falling onto the rocks from the four o'clock sun, and the beautiful beautiful sight of nature all around me. And it all makes me wonder is this beauty in solitude or just loneliness.
But sometimes, the world is still. And I am still.
And I
am.
---
2. On Longing and Status Quo
Does everyone have a sort of longing in their hearts? Is anyone truly, fully fulfilled?
I find myself, sometimes, so envious of other people even though I know I have so much and that they also have difficulties and blah blah blah and that comparison is the thief of joy and yeah I know all of that. But I want.
Isn't the answer to that: go out and do what I want. Find it. Go after it. Don't just let myself waste away in the status quo. Don't settle. Don't settle. Don't listlessly just pause your life. GO.
I find myself so jaded these days.
This is a truth these days: I have an unsatisfied heart.
---
3. Joy
Count it all joy, he says.
Is happiness something that I must claw out from the mundanes of life myself? That I must search desperately for the objective beauty in the world? That I must remind myself daily of the lovely things that make me smile? Because if I do not, then it is just empty satisfaction and a weary soul.
I have never thought I wanted rose-colored lenses - but sometimes I wish that I had a disposition more suited for happiness. Is there such a thing?
Maybe I just write this in a time or moment where I feel too much. Perhaps I must give myself another few hours and let this pass.
But, my dear friend would probably tell me, happiness is not joy, is it.
If then
let me find a way to fill my cup.
That I might fill my soul until it brims and then overflows
that I might pour into others.
Count it all joy.
Count it all joy.
Thursday, January 12, 2017
ARGHHHH
I think I have finally developed allergies (freaking gosh darn it all to hell). I've been sneezing and having a runny nose for a few days now and I am always tired and exhausted (not sure if that's allergies or just life lol).
But just ughhhhh..
And then UGHHH. I have never freaking drank so much in my life, which is ridiculous -____- because I don't even really want to drink. But then I don't have internet, so I'm going to bar - should i just order ginger ale or something?? i dunno. and then my roommate is super sweet, but always drinks a glass at night.. and i've been sorta joining her because i want to get along well. and i really don't mind having a glass too.
occasionally. but UGHHHH.
but IT'S TOO MUCH.
I'm starting to hit a breaking point of alcohol enjoyment. and if i'm not enjoying drinking my alcohol, why would i do it???????????
whatever.
----
more thoughts that i think i'll try to unpack on saturday, when i'm back in SA.
Country Club
Working hard
Traveling
How I want to grow old.....
Vision.
Drinking???
But just ughhhhh..
And then UGHHH. I have never freaking drank so much in my life, which is ridiculous -____- because I don't even really want to drink. But then I don't have internet, so I'm going to bar - should i just order ginger ale or something?? i dunno. and then my roommate is super sweet, but always drinks a glass at night.. and i've been sorta joining her because i want to get along well. and i really don't mind having a glass too.
occasionally. but UGHHHH.
but IT'S TOO MUCH.
I'm starting to hit a breaking point of alcohol enjoyment. and if i'm not enjoying drinking my alcohol, why would i do it???????????
whatever.
----
more thoughts that i think i'll try to unpack on saturday, when i'm back in SA.
Country Club
Working hard
Traveling
How I want to grow old.....
Vision.
Drinking???
Tuesday, January 10, 2017
Short post
Life has been weird.
I feel like I'm living in some sort of suspended time where nothing seems to be real or true.
I don't think I can ever explain this feeling fully through words. Is that strange? It is. But I'm going to try anyway.
It's like I'm watching myself do all the things I need to do. I'm going through the motions. I am doing this and that. But it feels like none of this matters.
I don't know if that's a side effect of just waiting to see where I will go next year or what. But none of my life feels real. Or that it matters.
Why am I feeling like this?
How do I be more present in my life?
---
Ugh. Don't feel like thinking too hard right now.
And my internet sucks right now so I'm currently at a bar, which is just ridiculous. But stupid small town coffee shops close at freaking FIVE pm. So whatever.
---
Things to blog about later when I have the time:
- Fredricksburg
- rural surgery
- small group
- the theory of friendship and why I disagree with the pastor of Austin Stone lol lol
- of keeping friendships close
- family and divergence of opinions and continued love
- desire
- worldly things
- hope
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Marie Kondo
The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.
Reading this (skimming more like) because two separate friends have talked about it with me. And when 2+ people talk about a book... well, I gotta read it.
It's about cleaning and keeping things neat and getting rid of tons of crap that you don't need and only keeping things that "spark joy" in your life.
Some of it is applicable (in that I rearranged my sock drawer already), and I do want to declutter a lot of my things. But this slightly horrifies me:
"If you missed your chance to read a particular book, even if it was recommended to you or is one you have been intending to read for ages, this is your chance to let it go. You may have wanted to read it when you bought it, but if you haven’t read it by now, the book’s purpose was to teach you that you didn’t need it. There’s no need to finish reading books that you only got halfway through. Their purpose was to be read halfway. So get rid of all those unread books."
!!! gahhh!!! nooooo :(
---
In other thoughts.... I kinda dislike blogger right now (interface and also their lack of support for an app). Mildly considering moving to wordpress.... -__-"
---
I also have yet to do a 2016 reflections, sigh. So not ready to resume real life.
Reading this (skimming more like) because two separate friends have talked about it with me. And when 2+ people talk about a book... well, I gotta read it.
It's about cleaning and keeping things neat and getting rid of tons of crap that you don't need and only keeping things that "spark joy" in your life.
Some of it is applicable (in that I rearranged my sock drawer already), and I do want to declutter a lot of my things. But this slightly horrifies me:
"If you missed your chance to read a particular book, even if it was recommended to you or is one you have been intending to read for ages, this is your chance to let it go. You may have wanted to read it when you bought it, but if you haven’t read it by now, the book’s purpose was to teach you that you didn’t need it. There’s no need to finish reading books that you only got halfway through. Their purpose was to be read halfway. So get rid of all those unread books."
!!! gahhh!!! nooooo :(
---
In other thoughts.... I kinda dislike blogger right now (interface and also their lack of support for an app). Mildly considering moving to wordpress.... -__-"
---
I also have yet to do a 2016 reflections, sigh. So not ready to resume real life.
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