From a side character:
"I've no character at all, but where does one get character from? Either you have it or you don't. You have. Everyone says you have. Where did you get it? Why don't I have any? Sometimes I think I'm cut out of paper, just acting like a person. They tell me I'm an utter coward. What can I do about that? being an utter coward?"
The main character shrugs and responds:
"Act like you're not."
- Best Served Cold, by Joe Abercrombie
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Truth
Face things head on.
Don't avoid.
Blindness does not make things disappear.
Focus.
Clarity.
Strength.
Don't avoid.
Blindness does not make things disappear.
Focus.
Clarity.
Strength.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Delight
I disappeared today.
With a jolt, I reappeared.
I had forgotten that it happens sometimes.
I am glad that I can still do so, even now.
With a jolt, I reappeared.
I had forgotten that it happens sometimes.
I am glad that I can still do so, even now.
Monday, December 7, 2015
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Poetry that speaks
“The puppet thinks:
It’s not so much
what they make me do
as their hands inside me."
- Charles de Lint
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Fool that I am
That blue skies and sunny days could be so pretty.
This is what I must do:
Fill my heart so many lovely things, plans for the future, reminders of laughter and friendship - that there might be no room for regret or envy or dark things.
It is a form of God hunting, I suppose.
God, where are you?
Prayers that wing up to the heavens.
Is this, then, a prayer?
This is what I must do:
Fill my heart so many lovely things, plans for the future, reminders of laughter and friendship - that there might be no room for regret or envy or dark things.
It is a form of God hunting, I suppose.
God, where are you?
Prayers that wing up to the heavens.
Is this, then, a prayer?
Saturday, November 28, 2015
Thanksgiving reflection
I am very, very blessed.
Due to a strange turn of events, I ended up in Houston instead of Dallas for Thanksgiving. And was able to spend time with family and friends. Which was a delightful surprise because I so very rarely visit Houston. And I think I have already established how fond I am of that city and a lot of the people there (extremely).
I am thankful for safe driving.
I am thankful for Steph:
- Who opened her house graciously as a phenomenal hostess. [Honeycrisp apple cider, brie and raspberries, zucchini bread, sprinkles cupcakes, sparkling cider.]
- Jinya and delicious ramen that I just had to shove into my face because it was that good
- late night conversations that flow into the dreaming hours of the morning about questions and searching and love and truth and friendship and conversation that just remembers who you are, who they are, why you are both still such good friends after all these years.
- mud masks and chocolate stout and fairly average action movies
I am thankful for BASIC and Karen:
- slightly facetious because I'm just glad I could see more people and have a game night with random BASIC people, and for the host to open her house. It is a very generous thing to open one's house to so many random people/strangers. And I totally crashed the party.
- seeing the CCF "freshmen" who are now seniors (where is the time going?)
- meeting interesting new people.
- winning nerts <3 and playing resistance
I am thankful for family:
- because my cousin is a great cook and generous with his time and space and willingness to help
- for my mother, because she is always a treasure and a comfort to any loneliness or frustrations
- for my father, because at the end of the day, I know he loves me
- for my brother, because he is always blunt and truthful
- for being a support
I am thankful for my friends:
- game nights again, yes.
- but also have the kind of conversation that exposes people and shows how different your ideals can be - and yet to still be friends. talking and discussing and debating and seeing why.
- in the end, relationships are not an absolute. And sometimes there is a give and take.
- Diplomacy is always useful. Someday I will learn to be more graceful in my words.
Thanksgiving is a time of thanks. Doesn't always feel like it what with a focus on turkey and shopping. Or even when times are rough and it's easier to complain than to reflect on thankfulness. But with good food, friends and family, good conversation, silly moments and laughter, there is always so much to be thankful for.
Due to a strange turn of events, I ended up in Houston instead of Dallas for Thanksgiving. And was able to spend time with family and friends. Which was a delightful surprise because I so very rarely visit Houston. And I think I have already established how fond I am of that city and a lot of the people there (extremely).
I am thankful for safe driving.
I am thankful for Steph:
- Who opened her house graciously as a phenomenal hostess. [Honeycrisp apple cider, brie and raspberries, zucchini bread, sprinkles cupcakes, sparkling cider.]
- Jinya and delicious ramen that I just had to shove into my face because it was that good
- late night conversations that flow into the dreaming hours of the morning about questions and searching and love and truth and friendship and conversation that just remembers who you are, who they are, why you are both still such good friends after all these years.
- mud masks and chocolate stout and fairly average action movies
I am thankful for BASIC and Karen:
- slightly facetious because I'm just glad I could see more people and have a game night with random BASIC people, and for the host to open her house. It is a very generous thing to open one's house to so many random people/strangers. And I totally crashed the party.
- seeing the CCF "freshmen" who are now seniors (where is the time going?)
- meeting interesting new people.
- winning nerts <3 and playing resistance
I am thankful for family:
- because my cousin is a great cook and generous with his time and space and willingness to help
- for my mother, because she is always a treasure and a comfort to any loneliness or frustrations
- for my father, because at the end of the day, I know he loves me
- for my brother, because he is always blunt and truthful
- for being a support
I am thankful for my friends:
- game nights again, yes.
- but also have the kind of conversation that exposes people and shows how different your ideals can be - and yet to still be friends. talking and discussing and debating and seeing why.
- in the end, relationships are not an absolute. And sometimes there is a give and take.
- Diplomacy is always useful. Someday I will learn to be more graceful in my words.
Thanksgiving is a time of thanks. Doesn't always feel like it what with a focus on turkey and shopping. Or even when times are rough and it's easier to complain than to reflect on thankfulness. But with good food, friends and family, good conversation, silly moments and laughter, there is always so much to be thankful for.
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Small reflection
small things that make me happy
or
why life can be worth living another day
the steam of hot tea, chocolate, apple cider rising up to warm your cheeks
the warmth of the sun when you walk out of a cold room
ginger cookies
a beautiful endless Texas sky
a quiet moment
taking off professional clothes after a long day
smell of jasmine
when a favorite artist puts up a new song
the lines of a good black pen
a fuzzy blanket
lying on the couch that fits my entire body
finding a song that i want to put on repeat for days
confirming that i don't have TB (not a small thing ha)
when i get a dance move perfectly
rediscovering hobbies that i put down for a time
knowing friends/family is a phone call away
when i have the right shoes for the right occasion
crisp fruits
rereading words that i've written and seeing they're still true
trying a new recipe that goes well
a book that keeps me up at night | a book that makes me cry
friend giving me chocolate after a long day
the light through the window in the morning waking me up without an alarm
clean sheets
lighting a candle and seeing the tiny flame sprout from the wick
blowing out a candle
trying a new perfume
a massage that hurts so good
seeing stars in the dark sky
finally eating the food i crave (Mediterranean, pho, Saag Paneer)
finishing a good run
the deep sigh at the end of a yoga routine
a compliment from the attending
tying a perfect knot
midnight conversations with a friend
beating my own miles and time
taste of salt
licking honey off the finger
coming home to noise and laughter in the apartment
realizing i have exactly what i needed in my purse
a clean room
seeing green buds in spring
when my skin is clear
a hot shower when it's cold
singing over guitar chords
dancing at midnight in an empty apartment
a fashion compliment
singing at the top of my lungs in the car
coming back to my apartment after days away
friends who remember my birthday
a unexpected celebrated birthday
being taken care of without anything in return
lemon slices in cold water
authentic asian food
when someone sees me from the books I read
when my mom tells me, don't be too stressed
an unexpected keep-in-touch email from a friend
pouring tea from a teapot
someone putting the kettle on for me before I get to the kitchen
when my fingers remember the triple duple pattern on piano
my mom's cooking
sitting on the counter top
the coolness that comes after the rain
lying in a hammock swings
or
why life can be worth living another day
the steam of hot tea, chocolate, apple cider rising up to warm your cheeks
the warmth of the sun when you walk out of a cold room
ginger cookies
a beautiful endless Texas sky
a quiet moment
taking off professional clothes after a long day
smell of jasmine
when a favorite artist puts up a new song
the lines of a good black pen
a fuzzy blanket
lying on the couch that fits my entire body
finding a song that i want to put on repeat for days
confirming that i don't have TB (not a small thing ha)
when i get a dance move perfectly
rediscovering hobbies that i put down for a time
knowing friends/family is a phone call away
when i have the right shoes for the right occasion
crisp fruits
rereading words that i've written and seeing they're still true
trying a new recipe that goes well
a book that keeps me up at night | a book that makes me cry
friend giving me chocolate after a long day
the light through the window in the morning waking me up without an alarm
clean sheets
lighting a candle and seeing the tiny flame sprout from the wick
blowing out a candle
trying a new perfume
a massage that hurts so good
seeing stars in the dark sky
finally eating the food i crave (Mediterranean, pho, Saag Paneer)
finishing a good run
the deep sigh at the end of a yoga routine
a compliment from the attending
tying a perfect knot
midnight conversations with a friend
beating my own miles and time
taste of salt
licking honey off the finger
coming home to noise and laughter in the apartment
realizing i have exactly what i needed in my purse
a clean room
seeing green buds in spring
when my skin is clear
a hot shower when it's cold
singing over guitar chords
dancing at midnight in an empty apartment
a fashion compliment
singing at the top of my lungs in the car
coming back to my apartment after days away
friends who remember my birthday
a unexpected celebrated birthday
being taken care of without anything in return
lemon slices in cold water
authentic asian food
when someone sees me from the books I read
when my mom tells me, don't be too stressed
an unexpected keep-in-touch email from a friend
pouring tea from a teapot
someone putting the kettle on for me before I get to the kitchen
when my fingers remember the triple duple pattern on piano
my mom's cooking
sitting on the counter top
the coolness that comes after the rain
lying in a hammock swings
the sound of trains far away at night
the sound of wind and rain in an empty house
a hot bath with a lit candle, music, and a comfort book
rereading my comfort books
unexpected laughter out loud that makes me grin long after
a hot bath with a lit candle, music, and a comfort book
rereading my comfort books
unexpected laughter out loud that makes me grin long after
whose line is it anyway
a walk in a new park with a good friend
seeing fluffy clouds | flying through a cloud
petting cats that like to sit on my lap and purr
petting fluffy dogs that wag their tail
horrible puns that make me laugh anyway
a walk in a new park with a good friend
seeing fluffy clouds | flying through a cloud
petting cats that like to sit on my lap and purr
petting fluffy dogs that wag their tail
horrible puns that make me laugh anyway
dressing up in halloween costumes
thrill of roller coasters
thrill of roller coasters
calmly walking through haunted houses
fair food after walking for hours (turkey leg, funnel cake)
completing little hobby projects
the perfect wingtip cat eye | a lasting red lip
watching a monarch butterfly flap its wings
watching a monarch butterfly flap its wings
samples from farmers market or central market or costco
crispness of a cool fall day
crispness of a cool fall day
smell of an ice rink
remembered dreams
when he texts back
sand underneath the feet
hitting the ball over the net
shadows on my ceiling at night
when he texts back
sand underneath the feet
hitting the ball over the net
shadows on my ceiling at night
reading crochet patterns
watching tv shows with someone
little tea snacks
apples with cookie butter
when a cat ducks under my hand and begs to be petted
finishing crochet projects
opening a package
a good hair day
really comfortable, but cute, loungy pants
opening a package
a good hair day
really comfortable, but cute, loungy pants
walking over a creek on wooden planks
returning home to hot food
striking a match
watching a march of leaf cutter ants
the taste of blackberry wine
successfully buying clothes from shopping
the musical sounds of a brook
jumping over creeks
reaching the peak of a trail and letting my heartbeat settle
walking down the wrong side of the mountain
seeing a colorful bird
a crackling fire
blackberry honey
a bottle of Grand Rouge
complimentary bubbly in fluted glasses
halved peaches piping hot off the grill with a scoop of vanilla ice cream
the scent of mountain laurel blooming
soft skin
light earrings
bluebonnets on the side of the road
temporary tattoos
a field of dandelions
sitting on the roof
flair on the fourth fingernail
a long massage
kayaking
a son of a peach gordough-nut
converging
a tube with a headrest
floating down the rapids
relaxing at a green park
seeing a sea of light at a nightclub
being lost in the music
a spray of mist in the middle of the dance floor
a midnight walk
laying in the grass to stargaze
lying poolside in the early morning
getting out of an escape room
a field of fireflies at dusk
buttered toast with honey
avocado toast with egg on top
watching a full moon rise
sparks flying from the campfire
the smell of wood smoke from a campfire
white chocolate and blueberry jam s'mores
a perfectly toasted marshmallow
swaying in a hammock
sitting at the water edge
leading a werewolf night
a korean spa with jacuzzis and saunas
a gift or souvenir (maple leaf earrings, sakura matcha kit kats)
an orca breaching
sunset over the ocean
clouds that lie so low
ice capped mountains
spotting animals in the wild
family vacation
figs on a tree in my backyard
reading on a rooftop
riding a jetski
shooting roman candles onto water
watching fireworks on a rooftop
a new recipe of leftover ingredients that is perfect
red wine plums
learning a new instrument
lighting a match on the first try
mint coconut lotion
secret red hair in the sun
a new friend
beach entry in a pool
getting drunk off wine tastings
beautifully plated charcuterie boards
sand bar
a lake house
riding behind someone on a jetski
a picnic basket
balloons in the sky
ranting until it all comes out
a lotus pond
hidden picturesque areas
midnight on the patio
air conditioning
beer festival
botanical gardens
pink and gold sunglasses
a new swimsuit
being on the verge of drunk
blood orange hard cider
sitting on blankets in the park at midnight
a hummingbird drinking from my flowers
sun reflecting green through grass
pumpkin painting
the world through pink sunglasses
when the weather gets cooler
a ballet
playing piano at midnight
driving with the windows down
picking flowers for a bouquet
tchaikovsky's concerto for violin
dancing at a club
lying on the grass with a breeze under the sun
costume party
surprise parties
excessive food at potlucks
painting mugs
overcooked
binge watching shows
sleeping by the fireplace
a pile of soft pillows and blankets
when the log finally catches on fire
beer gardens
personal hammocks
hefeweizen beer in a mason jar
indie art gallery exhibits
kicking my feet up while swinging
wandering through Rice
Hermann Park
lying on the 180
hot chocolate taste tests
when the pH strip turns a beautiful yellow-green
a hot bath that covers the entire body
a citrus salt shot on a rooftop bar
sunbathing on the roof
guitar in front of the fire
dancing in front of a fire
a family vacation
intimate live music, whistles over a guitar
sitting on the top of a mountain
cirque du soleil
pineapple at a brazillian steakhouse
new year's eve at a literary bar
harry potter world
sunset on a mountain
the perfect matcha ice cream
omakase
fondue parties
escape rooms
improv shows
conveyor belt sushi
happy hour with the girls
pinatas with candies and earrings
walking tacos
main event bowling and arcade
dave and buster ping pong light game
beer on the roof
chocolate martini with a samoa as garnish
sushi at yellowfish
galentine's
purple tulips
a squirrel flicking its tail back and forth
wine red nails with rose gold flair
a chinese restaurant that tastes like plano
lunar new year dumpling party
the smell of steam from a long hot shower
soft bushes
a run outside
a bird building a nest near me
an edm concert
wearing concert attire
sushi night
kbbq at a pool party
a pizza floatie
the smell of sunscreen and chlorine on my skin
pork belly, rice, and daikon kimchi
campfire chilidogs
molasses cookies
guitar chords over the campfire
learning a secret
bourbon with cocoa and vanilla bean
lying on a tarp on a mountain top
singing songs on a horse pen
a free concert
panic at the disco live
maroon 5 live
dancing in the middle of the crowd
hot pot night
a farewell gift of succulents
blooming lotus
a string of chinese lanterns under full moon
a field of pink flowers
open air onsens
dhc lotion and milk
choosing a fresh fish
night markets
---
days to remember
or
proof that a day can be perfect
s/p IM
Hakkasan
If Table
Victoria, Orca Spirit
Saturday Winery
Overcooked and Stranger Things
BCM Interview
Travel in December
Camping Before Easter and Music Festivals
---
things that i want to do
or
why i need live another day to do these things
own a piano to learn rachmaninoff, chopin, the theme songs to movies
improvise on piano
fingerstyle on the guitar (dreams, thinking out loud)
scrapbooks for Cancun and future trips
read my giant to-be-read list
write a book
write poetry
pick fruit in season
travel to Europe
lounge on the beach for a day with a book
painting in watercolor
a wall decor project
learn to crochet
put together my favorite recipes in a book
a spontaneous trip
learn a new language
travel and use the new language
swing dance || salsa
run a half marathon
to plant a garden and herbs
rock climb
the taste of blackberry wine
successfully buying clothes from shopping
the musical sounds of a brook
jumping over creeks
reaching the peak of a trail and letting my heartbeat settle
walking down the wrong side of the mountain
seeing a colorful bird
a crackling fire
blackberry honey
a bottle of Grand Rouge
complimentary bubbly in fluted glasses
halved peaches piping hot off the grill with a scoop of vanilla ice cream
the scent of mountain laurel blooming
soft skin
light earrings
bluebonnets on the side of the road
temporary tattoos
a field of dandelions
sitting on the roof
flair on the fourth fingernail
a long massage
kayaking
a son of a peach gordough-nut
converging
a tube with a headrest
floating down the rapids
relaxing at a green park
seeing a sea of light at a nightclub
being lost in the music
a spray of mist in the middle of the dance floor
a midnight walk
laying in the grass to stargaze
lying poolside in the early morning
getting out of an escape room
a field of fireflies at dusk
buttered toast with honey
avocado toast with egg on top
watching a full moon rise
sparks flying from the campfire
the smell of wood smoke from a campfire
white chocolate and blueberry jam s'mores
a perfectly toasted marshmallow
swaying in a hammock
sitting at the water edge
leading a werewolf night
a korean spa with jacuzzis and saunas
a gift or souvenir (maple leaf earrings, sakura matcha kit kats)
an orca breaching
sunset over the ocean
clouds that lie so low
ice capped mountains
spotting animals in the wild
family vacation
figs on a tree in my backyard
reading on a rooftop
riding a jetski
shooting roman candles onto water
watching fireworks on a rooftop
sharing appetizers and cocktails
eating dinner with j/p
trying on ridiculously formal dresses for fun
playing in a river
reaching the top of rock climbing walls
skinny cow bars
making it home alive
breakfast in beda new recipe of leftover ingredients that is perfect
red wine plums
learning a new instrument
lighting a match on the first try
mint coconut lotion
secret red hair in the sun
a new friend
beach entry in a pool
getting drunk off wine tastings
beautifully plated charcuterie boards
sand bar
a lake house
riding behind someone on a jetski
a picnic basket
balloons in the sky
ranting until it all comes out
a lotus pond
hidden picturesque areas
midnight on the patio
air conditioning
beer festival
botanical gardens
pink and gold sunglasses
a new swimsuit
being on the verge of drunk
blood orange hard cider
sitting on blankets in the park at midnight
a hummingbird drinking from my flowers
sun reflecting green through grass
pumpkin painting
the world through pink sunglasses
when the weather gets cooler
a ballet
playing piano at midnight
driving with the windows down
picking flowers for a bouquet
tchaikovsky's concerto for violin
dancing at a club
lying on the grass with a breeze under the sun
costume party
surprise parties
excessive food at potlucks
painting mugs
overcooked
binge watching shows
sleeping by the fireplace
a pile of soft pillows and blankets
when the log finally catches on fire
beer gardens
personal hammocks
hefeweizen beer in a mason jar
indie art gallery exhibits
kicking my feet up while swinging
wandering through Rice
Hermann Park
lying on the 180
hot chocolate taste tests
when the pH strip turns a beautiful yellow-green
a hot bath that covers the entire body
a citrus salt shot on a rooftop bar
sunbathing on the roof
guitar in front of the fire
dancing in front of a fire
a family vacation
intimate live music, whistles over a guitar
sitting on the top of a mountain
cirque du soleil
pineapple at a brazillian steakhouse
new year's eve at a literary bar
harry potter world
sunset on a mountain
the perfect matcha ice cream
omakase
fondue parties
escape rooms
improv shows
conveyor belt sushi
happy hour with the girls
pinatas with candies and earrings
walking tacos
main event bowling and arcade
dave and buster ping pong light game
beer on the roof
chocolate martini with a samoa as garnish
sushi at yellowfish
galentine's
purple tulips
a squirrel flicking its tail back and forth
wine red nails with rose gold flair
a chinese restaurant that tastes like plano
lunar new year dumpling party
the smell of steam from a long hot shower
soft bushes
a run outside
a bird building a nest near me
an edm concert
wearing concert attire
sushi night
kbbq at a pool party
a pizza floatie
the smell of sunscreen and chlorine on my skin
pork belly, rice, and daikon kimchi
campfire chilidogs
molasses cookies
guitar chords over the campfire
learning a secret
bourbon with cocoa and vanilla bean
lying on a tarp on a mountain top
singing songs on a horse pen
croissantwiches on a mountain
red flowering cacti
sleeping in a hammocka free concert
panic at the disco live
maroon 5 live
dancing in the middle of the crowd
hot pot night
a farewell gift of succulents
blooming lotus
a string of chinese lanterns under full moon
a field of pink flowers
open air onsens
dhc lotion and milk
choosing a fresh fish
night markets
---
days to remember
or
proof that a day can be perfect
s/p IM
Hakkasan
If Table
Victoria, Orca Spirit
Saturday Winery
Overcooked and Stranger Things
BCM Interview
Travel in December
Camping Before Easter and Music Festivals
---
things that i want to do
or
why i need live another day to do these things
own a piano to learn rachmaninoff, chopin, the theme songs to movies
improvise on piano
fingerstyle on the guitar (dreams, thinking out loud)
scrapbooks for Cancun and future trips
read my giant to-be-read list
write a book
write poetry
pick fruit in season
travel to Europe
lounge on the beach for a day with a book
painting in watercolor
a wall decor project
learn to crochet
put together my favorite recipes in a book
a spontaneous trip
learn a new language
travel and use the new language
swing dance || salsa
run a half marathon
to plant a garden and herbs
rock climb
procreate tutorials
a full yoga sequence
learn contemporary dance
appreciate my parents (full course meal?)
eat at a Michelin star restaurant
host wine nights qmonthly
make croquettes
buy a live christmas tree
own my place for 5+ years
make a book nook
appreciate my parents (full course meal?)
eat at a Michelin star restaurant
host wine nights qmonthly
make croquettes
buy a live christmas tree
own my place for 5+ years
make a book nook
have a self indulgent photo shoot
swim with dolphins
go to Harry Potter world
scuba dive
listen to a large conch shell
make my own wind chime
sculpt from wood || wood working
candle making
dye my hair
get a tattoo
indulge in a full spa day with a massage
host a movie marathon for harry potter
sky dive
record a song
paint an entire wall
learn to bartend
host a full murder mystery
cook all different cuisines
candle making
dye my hair
get a tattoo
indulge in a full spa day with a massage
host a movie marathon for harry potter
sky dive
record a song
paint an entire wall
learn to bartend
host a full murder mystery
cook all different cuisines
Monday, November 16, 2015
Psych
The thing about psych rounds is that it just feels like mean gossip.
"Oh, this person is minimizing their troubles." (no, really! Someone doesn't want to spill their embarrassing moments in front of a crowd).
"Oh I don't trust that patient's story - something doesn't add up."
"There's definitely a personality disorder in there somewhere."
"That person is definitely drinking and getting plastered way more than just one six pack for that to happen."
Dude. It just feels like mean gossip about people. And it makes me super uncomfortable.
Psych is definitely not my people
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Sigh.
Minor and major complaints.
My throat hurts. The resident is condescending. I'm bored to tears. My bangs are too long. I ought to study. I don't want to eat healthy things. I am not sure about future plans. Indecision.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Glucose control
Patient comes in for routine ultrasound at 35 weeks pregnant. No fetal heart tones.
Diagnosis: IUFD. Intrauterine fetal death.
Classic case, the attending says. Poor diabetic control. Uncontrolled sugars are most likely the reason the baby died.
The attending tells me: What can you do? You want to go and say - oh it's not your fault, these things happen. But it wouldn't be truthful. But how helpful is it to say all of that at this time? There's a balance.
So much respect for this attending.
And so sad for this baby that was carried for 8 months.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
chiefs
right now, i'm just a little star struck by all of the chiefs in obgyn. they're all really freaking cool. it's the sheer confidence, i think. or just how much they know.
one of them was in the middle of delivering twins (cephalic and breech). Cephalic, no trouble of course. Breech was getting a little worrisome and people started getting frantic and prepping for a c-section - and she goes, no i got it - and the baby just slides right out. No forceps, no vacuum; just keeping the baby's neck flexed with hand positioning. Cool as a cucumber, deft hands, and too freaking cool.
excuse me, but total admiration right now -
one of them was in the middle of delivering twins (cephalic and breech). Cephalic, no trouble of course. Breech was getting a little worrisome and people started getting frantic and prepping for a c-section - and she goes, no i got it - and the baby just slides right out. No forceps, no vacuum; just keeping the baby's neck flexed with hand positioning. Cool as a cucumber, deft hands, and too freaking cool.
excuse me, but total admiration right now -
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Measured
I know I skew too much in the direction of over-thinking, measured responses, and plans. And it transitions into how I get to know people. I like direct questions and answers. But it hardly translates into spontaneity or getting to know someone "organically".
Gracious, that's probably why I don't like that term so much. Organic. It was tossed around so much during ccf. To let things happen organically, naturally, to let it take its course. I dislike it because that's pretty much the opposite of all of my actions. It just makes so much more sense to me to ask about whatever I'm curious about rather than wait for it to come up "naturally" in conversation. Because I find too often that it most likely will not happen naturally. Or that process would take years instead of a few conversations.
Too deep, too quickly, not spontaneous, not organic.
I read this online and it bothered me deeply.
"These questions are not interesting to me. All we're sharing is well-polished stories about who we think we are or what we've been through, that might or might not relate to who we are. All it will lead is to create filters for how we perceive each other: we'll start to interpret each other through the lense of these stories. I want to get to know you by being with you, not through the stories you tell about yourselves. And I want you to get to know me in the same way."
That whole statement is the opposite of how I get to know people. Not necessarily the "well-polished" stories. But yeah, I do have different perceptions of people after knowing their background and stories that they tell. Isn't that how it works? I don't even understand what it means to get to know someone by "being with a person". Who are you, if you are not a conglomeration of stories from your past? Is "being with you" doing activities together? Or just letting the things you might share come spontaneously and organically? I just don't understand.
I don't understand the concept of "organic" at all.
Aren't scheduled meetings and time set aside for a lunch conversation not-organic? Why is something that happens randomly or not on scheduled better than something planned? Is it because direct questions cause your answers to be less real? Or planned sharing session causes the sharing to be forced?
And if organic truly is better, then how does one even let that happen? It's all random and spontaneous and there is no way I could even possibly "improve" on these type of encounters. Then does it become instinctive and an inherent part of your person?
I just don't get it.
I know that in the long run it doesn't really matter because everyone is different and have different methods blah blah blah etc. I just wonder if I'm doing the whole thing wrong.
Gracious, that's probably why I don't like that term so much. Organic. It was tossed around so much during ccf. To let things happen organically, naturally, to let it take its course. I dislike it because that's pretty much the opposite of all of my actions. It just makes so much more sense to me to ask about whatever I'm curious about rather than wait for it to come up "naturally" in conversation. Because I find too often that it most likely will not happen naturally. Or that process would take years instead of a few conversations.
Too deep, too quickly, not spontaneous, not organic.
I read this online and it bothered me deeply.
"These questions are not interesting to me. All we're sharing is well-polished stories about who we think we are or what we've been through, that might or might not relate to who we are. All it will lead is to create filters for how we perceive each other: we'll start to interpret each other through the lense of these stories. I want to get to know you by being with you, not through the stories you tell about yourselves. And I want you to get to know me in the same way."
That whole statement is the opposite of how I get to know people. Not necessarily the "well-polished" stories. But yeah, I do have different perceptions of people after knowing their background and stories that they tell. Isn't that how it works? I don't even understand what it means to get to know someone by "being with a person". Who are you, if you are not a conglomeration of stories from your past? Is "being with you" doing activities together? Or just letting the things you might share come spontaneously and organically? I just don't understand.
I don't understand the concept of "organic" at all.
Aren't scheduled meetings and time set aside for a lunch conversation not-organic? Why is something that happens randomly or not on scheduled better than something planned? Is it because direct questions cause your answers to be less real? Or planned sharing session causes the sharing to be forced?
And if organic truly is better, then how does one even let that happen? It's all random and spontaneous and there is no way I could even possibly "improve" on these type of encounters. Then does it become instinctive and an inherent part of your person?
I just don't get it.
I know that in the long run it doesn't really matter because everyone is different and have different methods blah blah blah etc. I just wonder if I'm doing the whole thing wrong.
Friday, October 23, 2015
Face
Who I am may only be seen in slices.
Even the moon only shows half its face in its entirety. Thus: how then can you imagine that you have seen all of someone else's faces?
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Stress
Snappish. Resident is taking out her bad mood on us. It sucks. I know you're busy and stressed. But yeah, you are not fun to be around right now.
Monday, October 12, 2015
Delighted
I was the ultrasound clinic today. Mostly boring because I couldn't do that much. Learned a bit, but lots of down time.
Watching the moms watching the baby move is pretty darn adorable. They always get this smile.
And we often got to tell the mother which gender the child is!! Some of them already knew. But there was one where the husband came in too and he just had this enormous grin when we asked if they wanted to know the gender. We searched a bit and the attending put up the little "it's a boy!" sign on the screen. And the father just whooped and laughed and did not stop grinning even when they were leaving the room.
Pretty darn adorable, I must say.
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Dawn
I have a new appreciation for dawn and sunrise.
I don't have much difficulty waking up, but I really can't say I'm a morning person. Especially in college where I'd rather sleep till noon.
But now that I have to wake up (often way earlier than the sun), I am really struck by how beautiful it all is. My current rotation is on the 10th floor and when we finish with rounds around 7 am or so... you can just look out of the elevator corridor and over the entire medical center. And spread out in view is that gorgeous scenery of sunrise and the entire medical center.
And it really is so lovely.
I am glad there are beautiful things in this world.
I don't have much difficulty waking up, but I really can't say I'm a morning person. Especially in college where I'd rather sleep till noon.
But now that I have to wake up (often way earlier than the sun), I am really struck by how beautiful it all is. My current rotation is on the 10th floor and when we finish with rounds around 7 am or so... you can just look out of the elevator corridor and over the entire medical center. And spread out in view is that gorgeous scenery of sunrise and the entire medical center.
And it really is so lovely.
I am glad there are beautiful things in this world.
Monday, October 5, 2015
an inevitability
Everybody has their own struggles.
Everybody has their own silences.
What you see is not necessarily what is true.
Don't confuse a smile for a life without difficulties.
I am not strong at all.
Everybody has their own silences.
What you see is not necessarily what is true.
Don't confuse a smile for a life without difficulties.
I am not strong at all.
Thursday, September 24, 2015
holy moly
it's been a crazy few days.
1. Diseases
Pt came in with weight loss of over 20 lbs in the past 2 months (5'3", weights 80 lbs now oh my gosh); a bad cough; etc. Turns out she has tuberculosis.
Yeah. And since I was the first one who saw her and didn't know what she had, I had no mask. I have to now to get checked for TB. Ughh...
2. Boards
Something an attending talked about was DIRECTLY a question. Wow, I love it when this stuff happens!
3. Tired and not sleeping well
I've been getting these weird dreams whenever I have increased real-life-base-level-worriedness. They're always vivid and full of not so fun stuff like car crashes and waking up noon on a workday and getting yelled at by an attending. But also just weird, like dancing on someone's face, trying to get a group of people to feed animals, walking around a miniature desert in a single file line, etc. I dunno. My brain is weird. I could not make this stuff up even if I tried. And it's so vivid. It's just weird.
4. TIRED.
1. Diseases
Pt came in with weight loss of over 20 lbs in the past 2 months (5'3", weights 80 lbs now oh my gosh); a bad cough; etc. Turns out she has tuberculosis.
Yeah. And since I was the first one who saw her and didn't know what she had, I had no mask. I have to now to get checked for TB. Ughh...
2. Boards
Something an attending talked about was DIRECTLY a question. Wow, I love it when this stuff happens!
3. Tired and not sleeping well
I've been getting these weird dreams whenever I have increased real-life-base-level-worriedness. They're always vivid and full of not so fun stuff like car crashes and waking up noon on a workday and getting yelled at by an attending. But also just weird, like dancing on someone's face, trying to get a group of people to feed animals, walking around a miniature desert in a single file line, etc. I dunno. My brain is weird. I could not make this stuff up even if I tried. And it's so vivid. It's just weird.
4. TIRED.
5. (Cont.) evaluations
I never realized how much this could impact me, but it does. I am not one to hold too much stock in what other people say about me unless it's repeated from multiple sources or there's some sort of reason to back up what they're saying. Essentially I have trust the person's words before I accept almost any feedback.
But reading evaluations from preceptors and attendings and residents is just... Scary. Because what they say, I have to trust that this is how I am coming across in clinic. It's not, "is this true?" It IS. Because it's about impressions now. It's not about if I actually am this or that. It's if I appear this or that. And that matters.
Reading positives things makes me uneasily happy. What a weird contradiction. Uneasily happy. Because all those good things, I don't even if they're all actually true. I just appear like so. But at the same time, I am bowled over at how good the words are. And I can almost understand now how people can be so appreciative of compliments. Ugh. Need more time to unpack this thought. Later.
Monday, September 21, 2015
Easy
Is there anything in life that comes easy?
Grace, you say.
I nod, but what comes after grace is obedience to God's will - which is not, and never will be, easy.
Laughter, perhaps.
Maybe. But for me, social situations are never a matter of rest, but of anticipation and consideration.
Love, then.
I laugh. Never. Love is not easy. It is emotions and responsibility and working through things together. It's dedication and persistence. And is any of that easy?
Selfishness, perhaps, comes easy. And apathy. And all of the negative traits that settle on me like a layer of dust when an object never ever moves.
I suppose sleep comes easy after a long day as well. Or maybe enjoyment. Enjoyment can be easy sometimes.
Everything in life feel difficult right now.
Effort.
Responsibility
I ought to do so.
I envy the people that make it look so effortless. Of course it might not be for them, but all the same.
Grace, you say.
I nod, but what comes after grace is obedience to God's will - which is not, and never will be, easy.
Laughter, perhaps.
Maybe. But for me, social situations are never a matter of rest, but of anticipation and consideration.
Love, then.
I laugh. Never. Love is not easy. It is emotions and responsibility and working through things together. It's dedication and persistence. And is any of that easy?
Selfishness, perhaps, comes easy. And apathy. And all of the negative traits that settle on me like a layer of dust when an object never ever moves.
I suppose sleep comes easy after a long day as well. Or maybe enjoyment. Enjoyment can be easy sometimes.
Everything in life feel difficult right now.
Effort.
Responsibility
I ought to do so.
I envy the people that make it look so effortless. Of course it might not be for them, but all the same.
Sunday, September 20, 2015
touch base
went to a dinner party/friend's engagement party. It was a lot of small talk, oh how are you, I haven't seen you in 10 weeks. What rotation are you on, do you like it? Surviving? Any crazy stories?
And so on.
I guess what do you expect when you are in a room full of 3rd year med students.
These are the type of relationships that need this kind of conversation to "touch base".
It's not about how the rest of your life is doing or if your family or friends are doing alright and what else is bothering you.
It's the second layer of conversation. Not the first layer surface talk that doesn't matter at all, but just important enough that it impacts you and yet is still socially appropriate to talk about in a crowd.
I have much to learn about social grace.
And so on.
I guess what do you expect when you are in a room full of 3rd year med students.
These are the type of relationships that need this kind of conversation to "touch base".
It's not about how the rest of your life is doing or if your family or friends are doing alright and what else is bothering you.
It's the second layer of conversation. Not the first layer surface talk that doesn't matter at all, but just important enough that it impacts you and yet is still socially appropriate to talk about in a crowd.
I have much to learn about social grace.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Despondent
Feeling despondent and overwhelmed.
Even Philippians 4:13 seems like a distant comfort rather than something I can sink my soul into.
My heart has not learned the secret of being content in any and every situation even if my mind already has.
Future thinking is overwhelming. There is always so much to be done, so much self expectation, so much burden.
Such is life.
It is possible.
It is doable.
It is worth doing.
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Repeat this enough and hopefully it becomes truth instead of platitudes.
-edit-
several hours later...
Doing okay now. See? Emotions are fleeting. It is important to never make lasting decisions in the middle of fluctuating emotional states.
Even Philippians 4:13 seems like a distant comfort rather than something I can sink my soul into.
My heart has not learned the secret of being content in any and every situation even if my mind already has.
Future thinking is overwhelming. There is always so much to be done, so much self expectation, so much burden.
Such is life.
It is possible.
It is doable.
It is worth doing.
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
Repeat this enough and hopefully it becomes truth instead of platitudes.
-edit-
several hours later...
Doing okay now. See? Emotions are fleeting. It is important to never make lasting decisions in the middle of fluctuating emotional states.
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
Interlude
Sometimes I wonder if I am stupid or something.
I know, it's that whole "impostor syndrome" where you feel like everyone around has got it down pat and you're the only one who doesn't belong.
But man, I'm feeling it so much these days. I just feel like the gap of knowledge between me and the resident and the attending and heck even the PAs is ridiculous. Or in didactics, I'm just like... am I the only one who didn't know that?
Or why can't I remember things? I know I've learned them, and it is so freaking obvious when the answer is shown. But in the moment, I'm just sitting there and my mind doesn't know where to go.
Am I just an idiot who can't synthesize the material and apply it, while everyone else can? What is going on?
Ugh. I don't like these types of days.
-addendum-
i just need to shut my face.
sometimes i just want to say something because i feel like it's witty or clever - but then it just comes out half mean, half deadpan, and 100% not funny.
Today is just not my day.
I know, it's that whole "impostor syndrome" where you feel like everyone around has got it down pat and you're the only one who doesn't belong.
But man, I'm feeling it so much these days. I just feel like the gap of knowledge between me and the resident and the attending and heck even the PAs is ridiculous. Or in didactics, I'm just like... am I the only one who didn't know that?
Or why can't I remember things? I know I've learned them, and it is so freaking obvious when the answer is shown. But in the moment, I'm just sitting there and my mind doesn't know where to go.
Am I just an idiot who can't synthesize the material and apply it, while everyone else can? What is going on?
Ugh. I don't like these types of days.
-addendum-
i just need to shut my face.
sometimes i just want to say something because i feel like it's witty or clever - but then it just comes out half mean, half deadpan, and 100% not funny.
Today is just not my day.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Senior Trip, Part II
I am tired but glad. Life is a lot of blessings. I think emotions are labile and everything is fleeting. So that makes this moment -this one, right now- something to be thankful for.
Continued on with this ridiculous transcription of senior trip because if I don't get it done now, I never will.
----
Day 2 - May 4th
Woke up at ~9 AM. Great sleep ^^
Got the continental breakfast with Heaven (eggs, sausage, yogurt, pastry). Dana skipped to shower.
Left the hotel (I tipped) and went straight to Carnival area to drop car & baggage off. Got a little turned around when trying to park/leave baggage, but it all worked out.
Walked out and went to the French quarter.
So beautiful, really~
Street musicians & artists and little niche stores with masks and flowy dresses and fortune telling and art galleries. The street performers like statues, the magicians. All against the backdrop of a worn down city colored brightly with pastels. The crumbling cobblestones and rusted metal. But oh the beauty of the detailed fences and the living greenery and the music playing down the street in lilting strings or soulful blues.
I love it, I love it, I love it.
[French quarter of New Orleans is a beautiful place in my memory. It has a certain old timey feel to it where even the air feels drenched in history and charm and depth. Art and beauty and sleeping dreams. If I could, I would want to go back.]
Went to Cafe Amelie, but the wait was long so we left for the Cathedral Jaucson - a beautiful Catholic church - white and stained glass.
Went back to the cafe and finally got seated after another 20 min wait - whereupon I talked to a friend's friend about politics.
The food was not worth it. Got gumbo, but it was too salty. Still yummy, but not worth the price...
Walked back to the cruise and finally met up with the whole gang as we boarded the ship. [I seem to remember security stopping David because he brought his full water bottle - and then didn't want to "waste water" so he started chugging H20. I remember us joking about Dana's passport and if there was going to be any trouble.]
Just like the last one! Everything is the same! [same as the cruise as the one I went with my family. Down to the very same stairs in the entrance to the lobby areas, so familiar!] We wandered around, stared at things, oriented ourselves, and went to dinner.
Ate so much. Ate escargot and duck; pork chop; and a ton of desserts.
And after, we tried to walk around, but Dana, Aurelia, David, and I sat down to eat fruit, cheese, and tea.
Tired.... a little tired of people. Also I ama little pissed off thoughtful and of the mindset that I'll never ask [this person] for food. I don't think [that person] cares at all. Effort is all I ask. But now I am tired and recharging. Feeling full but happy.
I was so happy in New Orleans. Everything was so beautiful and so inspiring. I hope to remember this.
-later-
Went back to the room to journal, but at around 10 pm, we were scheduled to return to the library to play; but I stayed until 10:30. There, we played Nerts and talked a little. I left moderately early around 12 AM to sleep.
So tired.
-end of second day-
Continued on with this ridiculous transcription of senior trip because if I don't get it done now, I never will.
----
Day 2 - May 4th
Woke up at ~9 AM. Great sleep ^^
Got the continental breakfast with Heaven (eggs, sausage, yogurt, pastry). Dana skipped to shower.
Left the hotel (I tipped) and went straight to Carnival area to drop car & baggage off. Got a little turned around when trying to park/leave baggage, but it all worked out.
Walked out and went to the French quarter.
So beautiful, really~
Street musicians & artists and little niche stores with masks and flowy dresses and fortune telling and art galleries. The street performers like statues, the magicians. All against the backdrop of a worn down city colored brightly with pastels. The crumbling cobblestones and rusted metal. But oh the beauty of the detailed fences and the living greenery and the music playing down the street in lilting strings or soulful blues.
I love it, I love it, I love it.
[French quarter of New Orleans is a beautiful place in my memory. It has a certain old timey feel to it where even the air feels drenched in history and charm and depth. Art and beauty and sleeping dreams. If I could, I would want to go back.]
Went to Cafe Amelie, but the wait was long so we left for the Cathedral Jaucson - a beautiful Catholic church - white and stained glass.
Went back to the cafe and finally got seated after another 20 min wait - whereupon I talked to a friend's friend about politics.
The food was not worth it. Got gumbo, but it was too salty. Still yummy, but not worth the price...
Walked back to the cruise and finally met up with the whole gang as we boarded the ship. [I seem to remember security stopping David because he brought his full water bottle - and then didn't want to "waste water" so he started chugging H20. I remember us joking about Dana's passport and if there was going to be any trouble.]
Just like the last one! Everything is the same! [same as the cruise as the one I went with my family. Down to the very same stairs in the entrance to the lobby areas, so familiar!] We wandered around, stared at things, oriented ourselves, and went to dinner.
Ate so much. Ate escargot and duck; pork chop; and a ton of desserts.
And after, we tried to walk around, but Dana, Aurelia, David, and I sat down to eat fruit, cheese, and tea.
Tired.... a little tired of people. Also I am
I was so happy in New Orleans. Everything was so beautiful and so inspiring. I hope to remember this.
-later-
Went back to the room to journal, but at around 10 pm, we were scheduled to return to the library to play; but I stayed until 10:30. There, we played Nerts and talked a little. I left moderately early around 12 AM to sleep.
So tired.
-end of second day-
Sunday, September 13, 2015
Senior Trip, Part I
It's a little ridiculous, but I've been meaning to type up what I wrote down about senior year of college's senior cruise trip. And I just finished using up the entire journal, so might as well transcribe it now.
----
May 3, 2013 - Day 1 of Senior Trip
Drove 5.5 hrs from Houston to New Orleans with Dana & Heaven. Heaven got us bagels (blueberry with blueberry cream cheese for me). I forgot to keep the logo.
Stopped off at Taco Bell for lunch (and got the $5 box deal with Dorito Taco Locos).
Made it to New Orleans, seeing a ton of trees in the middle of water (Dana kindly pointing out it's a swamp) along the way.
Parked at a strange park location ON the sidewalk & nearly banging my car against a sing & rode off on a shuttle (i.e. school bus) to the Jazzfest.
As 3 girls who don't listen to jazz, we were there for Maroon 5! Dang that man is hot ^^ [I am a little surprised I wrote that. I suspect being influenced by Dana.]
Realized quickly that we should have brought rainboots. There was hardcore mud everywhere. & it was actually windier & colder than I'd expected from almost summer. Walking gingerly aroudn to avoid mud, we wanted to eat. Lol.
Got a crawfish pie, a crawfish enchilada, & a andouille gumbo. Heaven loved the gumbo seafood & strong spices. Yum. Dana mostly ate the crawfish enchilada (too cheesy for Heaven). I like the gumbo too :)
Got to the concert area for Maroon 5 early and ohmygosh the people. Traffic >.< Just like getting out of Houston. We used our asian small girls power to squeeze through but stopped because of the mud. Ack.... so much mud. We were literally sinking when we stood still. Thank heavens - I love platform flip flops.
I ran back out to go use the restroom (re: porta-potty) & came back with white chocolate bread pudding & crawfish strudel. Good, but probably should have got the gumbo again. [... isn't it "gotten? What is wrong with my grammar?]
But when I got back to the same place... they were gone >.<
So saddd.
Tried calling/texting, but no signal. I just stood around with food in one hand, phone in the other, always going on tip-toes to look for 2 asian girls.
Finally! spotted them after a good 15 minutes sigh. [I also seem to remember dropping my phone in the mud around here too. Was wiping mud off my phone for days after.]
And the concert started!
He sings really well (not as good as Bruno Mars, but still).
But we kept sinking... stupid mud.
Loved it, except for the tall people in front waving their arms and taking pictures.
Left. Not as muddy as I thought as we would turn out.
Went to Zoe's kitchen for dinner even though not hungry.
Chicken rolls were pretty good. Heaven added too much vinegar balsamic to her salad -> she hates sour things. Dana stuffed her face so she can't even remember what she ate (steak sandwich).
Left to the movies to see Ironman 3. So Good!
Back to hotel (Best Westin) to crash and shower. Ah, great start!
Can't wait for the rest ot get here.
And a whole bed to myself! ^^
Cheers to agreat fantastic trip! & praying for other's safety when getting here.
-end of first day-
----
May 3, 2013 - Day 1 of Senior Trip
Drove 5.5 hrs from Houston to New Orleans with Dana & Heaven. Heaven got us bagels (blueberry with blueberry cream cheese for me). I forgot to keep the logo.
Stopped off at Taco Bell for lunch (and got the $5 box deal with Dorito Taco Locos).
Made it to New Orleans, seeing a ton of trees in the middle of water (Dana kindly pointing out it's a swamp) along the way.
Parked at a strange park location ON the sidewalk & nearly banging my car against a sing & rode off on a shuttle (i.e. school bus) to the Jazzfest.
As 3 girls who don't listen to jazz, we were there for Maroon 5! Dang that man is hot ^^ [I am a little surprised I wrote that. I suspect being influenced by Dana.]
Realized quickly that we should have brought rainboots. There was hardcore mud everywhere. & it was actually windier & colder than I'd expected from almost summer. Walking gingerly aroudn to avoid mud, we wanted to eat. Lol.
Got a crawfish pie, a crawfish enchilada, & a andouille gumbo. Heaven loved the gumbo seafood & strong spices. Yum. Dana mostly ate the crawfish enchilada (too cheesy for Heaven). I like the gumbo too :)
Got to the concert area for Maroon 5 early and ohmygosh the people. Traffic >.< Just like getting out of Houston. We used our asian small girls power to squeeze through but stopped because of the mud. Ack.... so much mud. We were literally sinking when we stood still. Thank heavens - I love platform flip flops.
I ran back out to go use the restroom (re: porta-potty) & came back with white chocolate bread pudding & crawfish strudel. Good, but probably should have got the gumbo again. [... isn't it "gotten? What is wrong with my grammar?]
But when I got back to the same place... they were gone >.<
So saddd.
Tried calling/texting, but no signal. I just stood around with food in one hand, phone in the other, always going on tip-toes to look for 2 asian girls.
Finally! spotted them after a good 15 minutes sigh. [I also seem to remember dropping my phone in the mud around here too. Was wiping mud off my phone for days after.]
And the concert started!
He sings really well (not as good as Bruno Mars, but still).
But we kept sinking... stupid mud.
Loved it, except for the tall people in front waving their arms and taking pictures.
Left. Not as muddy as I thought as we would turn out.
Went to Zoe's kitchen for dinner even though not hungry.
Chicken rolls were pretty good. Heaven added too much vinegar balsamic to her salad -> she hates sour things. Dana stuffed her face so she can't even remember what she ate (steak sandwich).
Left to the movies to see Ironman 3. So Good!
Back to hotel (Best Westin) to crash and shower. Ah, great start!
Can't wait for the rest ot get here.
And a whole bed to myself! ^^
Cheers to a
-end of first day-
a thought to consider
What exactly differentiates a flaw in personality versus a quirk in personality?
Someone who is introverted - we can just call that part of her personality. But if it is to the point where it is detrimental to social interaction or making relationships or whatever, is that flaw?
Are there even such things as "flaws in personality"? But surely there are some things, otherwise how can there be so many "improve yourself" books.
People who say, oh I'm just truthful -- can very well just be an asshole without empathy. Truth is not always right at certain times.
People who say, oh I just have a hard time keeping up with old friends -- can very well just suck at making lasting, deep relations with people. We can call that social butterfly, or social ease. Not actually a "flaw", but wouldn't it be "better" if you were able to keep up with old friends? And if the positive if better, then isn't the lack thereof a negative?
People who say, oh I'm just quiet and slow to warm up -- or could just be socially awkward. Again. Isn't it better if you could easily warm up to people?
Not necessarily, of course. And this is probably all touchy subject because who wants to be told that they have a flaw in their personality? Or eh, it's fine - that's just the way I am. Or eh, it's actually a positive because [we need truthful people to call out things, quiet people to understand how to listen, etc etc etc].
Friday, September 11, 2015
Making peace
Not a rant today.
There are good things about family med.
You do get to see a variety of patients. Pediatric to geriatric. From acute to chronic. Mild to life threatening.
There is much to learn, much to say, much to do.
In this place, you decide how far you want to go with a patient. Take the time to talk about prevention and explain the disease behind it all and walk through the medications with the patient? Or just diagnose, write a script, and discharge them. There difference is potentially so, very large.
Can't you see how easy it would be to burn out here?
There are good things about family med.
You do get to see a variety of patients. Pediatric to geriatric. From acute to chronic. Mild to life threatening.
There is much to learn, much to say, much to do.
In this place, you decide how far you want to go with a patient. Take the time to talk about prevention and explain the disease behind it all and walk through the medications with the patient? Or just diagnose, write a script, and discharge them. There difference is potentially so, very large.
Can't you see how easy it would be to burn out here?
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
The continued raging against family med
Changed clinics, so I am no longer at the poor continued care clinic that lost its grant funding to pay for uninsured patients. Now I'm at an acute care clinic, which makes it oddly like weird mutt of the family medicine and emergency medicine breed. We only care about acute complaints, but we don't mind seeing you again in a couple of days.
Yeah. I am frustrated and sad and disappointed in what family med can do for patients. And it's at this clinic too. So what does that even tell me? Is it just these two clinics? Gosh. Just gosh.
A Malaysian lady comes in for generalized pain all over her body and tells us it's been going on for almost a year, unexplained weight loss of 10 kgs, general malaise, etc. (I mean, hey kinda suspicious for cancer, or I'm thinking maybe a little fibromyalgia or something even though that's by exclusion). Not good stuff, y'know? But she says she got all her labs done in Malaysia, etc etc. I go back and tell my attending. Doc and I walk in and he just has to clasp his hands together and tell her that we need to repeat all the labs and imaging because she's not in the US system. But, she stares at him a little blankly, I had all the labs done.
But not here, he tells her.
I am just standing. A medical student. A bystander. It's like watching a car crash.
They go back and forth saying the same things.
I know the results.
But I can't do anything without the standardization here. To another doctor's eyes, it would look like we haven't even checked all the basic labs.
But I've done all of the basic labs.
I know. But not in the US.
I don't know what to say. How much more silently can I stand? What could I say?
My gyn checked by blood and hematocrit and he always does an ultrasound of the kidney.
Did you bring the results?
No... but they came back normal. And he always does it. I had them done in June.
Your gyn is in Malaysia, right?
Yes...
Ma'am, every country's lab standards are a little different. We would still have to repeat them even if they were normal there.
It seems like no one will give. But then she says:
How much would it cost?
He hesitates but says, for a CBC, a thyroid test, you would definitely need a colonoscopy, and a mammogram for the lump on your breast, we would want a CT.... $5,000?
She gasps.
She turns and looks at me incredulously.
I am sure I look like a stupid medical student just standing as if I could become a potted plant.
Each of those were $50 in Malaysia!
I know, ma'am. But we would need to go off data in the US.
She is silent for a long time, just twisting her fingers together and apart.
They exchange a couple more words, and he leaves her with a hope of getting a free mammogram some way through some charity and a written order for a colonoscopy that she might have to go back to Malaysia for. And I follow him out the door.
The strength in her smile that she gives me as I walk out is heartbreaking.
....
Now you see... I don't think I wrote the doctor justice. His tone as he spoke was not callous. Nor was it frustrated or mean or spiteful or anything of that sort. It was just "my hands are tied and what can I do, here is the information i have" sort of tone. And I feel for him. What could he have done? No doctor that wants to defend/justify their treatment plan would treat without some sort of labs or imaging. What could he have done?
But I am just so tired of feeling such sadness for the patient. What could she have done?
These questions hurt so much.
The doctor who says helplessly: What can I do?
and the patient who says in pain: What should I do then?
WHY IS IT LIKE THIS? Tell me, why is it like this?
Yeah. I am frustrated and sad and disappointed in what family med can do for patients. And it's at this clinic too. So what does that even tell me? Is it just these two clinics? Gosh. Just gosh.
A Malaysian lady comes in for generalized pain all over her body and tells us it's been going on for almost a year, unexplained weight loss of 10 kgs, general malaise, etc. (I mean, hey kinda suspicious for cancer, or I'm thinking maybe a little fibromyalgia or something even though that's by exclusion). Not good stuff, y'know? But she says she got all her labs done in Malaysia, etc etc. I go back and tell my attending. Doc and I walk in and he just has to clasp his hands together and tell her that we need to repeat all the labs and imaging because she's not in the US system. But, she stares at him a little blankly, I had all the labs done.
But not here, he tells her.
I am just standing. A medical student. A bystander. It's like watching a car crash.
They go back and forth saying the same things.
I know the results.
But I can't do anything without the standardization here. To another doctor's eyes, it would look like we haven't even checked all the basic labs.
But I've done all of the basic labs.
I know. But not in the US.
I don't know what to say. How much more silently can I stand? What could I say?
My gyn checked by blood and hematocrit and he always does an ultrasound of the kidney.
Did you bring the results?
No... but they came back normal. And he always does it. I had them done in June.
Your gyn is in Malaysia, right?
Yes...
Ma'am, every country's lab standards are a little different. We would still have to repeat them even if they were normal there.
It seems like no one will give. But then she says:
How much would it cost?
He hesitates but says, for a CBC, a thyroid test, you would definitely need a colonoscopy, and a mammogram for the lump on your breast, we would want a CT.... $5,000?
She gasps.
She turns and looks at me incredulously.
I am sure I look like a stupid medical student just standing as if I could become a potted plant.
Each of those were $50 in Malaysia!
I know, ma'am. But we would need to go off data in the US.
She is silent for a long time, just twisting her fingers together and apart.
They exchange a couple more words, and he leaves her with a hope of getting a free mammogram some way through some charity and a written order for a colonoscopy that she might have to go back to Malaysia for. And I follow him out the door.
The strength in her smile that she gives me as I walk out is heartbreaking.
....
Now you see... I don't think I wrote the doctor justice. His tone as he spoke was not callous. Nor was it frustrated or mean or spiteful or anything of that sort. It was just "my hands are tied and what can I do, here is the information i have" sort of tone. And I feel for him. What could he have done? No doctor that wants to defend/justify their treatment plan would treat without some sort of labs or imaging. What could he have done?
But I am just so tired of feeling such sadness for the patient. What could she have done?
These questions hurt so much.
The doctor who says helplessly: What can I do?
and the patient who says in pain: What should I do then?
WHY IS IT LIKE THIS? Tell me, why is it like this?
Trust
When do you decide that it's okay to trust this person, that it's safe?
It is a leap of faith. A leap between silence and spoken words.
I don't trust enough.
I think I have trust issues.
Maybe this is why I hate being dipped.
It is a leap of faith. A leap between silence and spoken words.
I don't trust enough.
I think I have trust issues.
Maybe this is why I hate being dipped.
Saturday, September 5, 2015
Idle Thoughts
1. I think the older I get, the more and more I appreciate my parents. (Or it that distance makes the heart grow fonder? not sure.)
--
continued:
4. Yoga is very calming.
- My favorite quotes:
"I don't need to do this out of hatred for my current self, but out of love for who I want to be."
and
"Everything is practice. You are exactly where you are supposed to be."
5. Cooking
- going to try moussaka because of S-. I just might have to go and try to make all the mother sauces for different recipes at this rate!
6. Profound Loneliness
- I think loneliness is a creeping thing. There was a poem that captures how I feel better than I could put in words:
"do not
The conversations that say nothing at all make me lonelier than silence and being alone.
7. Keyboard. I really, really want a keyboard with me right now. But I don't know if I can justify dropping 200+ just to satisfy a hobby/desire. Ugh money. It's weird because I am really starting to see where people put there money and their importance/priorities. Lesson for me before I start making any money.
2. I'm sick to my bones of studying. Woke up at 8:30 on a long weekend because that's how my body rolls now. There's an infinite amount that you can study. It is never enough, to be honest. I will always be behind.
3. Dancing
- Okay, lots of thoughts here. But I think I really, really enjoy two stepping because it's a partner dance. They talk about it like it's a conversation. And that's just so interesting. Movement as words, intentions in the pressure of the hand, preempting movements, waiting and receiving, what you do if you misread a cue. It's a conversation of body movement and I love it. And the most interesting thing is just how different each person can dance. It's like intonation of your voice, or an accent, or the pacing of your sentences. The verbage that you choose. Do you slide or shuffle? A hitch to the right or a swagger of the hips? A strong grip? Sure, it's all the same dance, but it's different with each person.
How well can you lead? How well can you follow? A firmer touch? Or a refusal to follow? Nobody is "right" or "wrong", but you can definitely mess up a step. Who's fault is it? Maybe nobody's.
It's all about timing and being receptive to cues.
I had a fantastic time trying to lead for a little bit. It kinda screws with the head a bit because you're playing opposite day and going with the other foot, other hand. But also your cues need to direct! It is definitely harder to be a guy in this case.
--
continued:
4. Yoga is very calming.
- My favorite quotes:
"I don't need to do this out of hatred for my current self, but out of love for who I want to be."
and
"Everything is practice. You are exactly where you are supposed to be."
5. Cooking
- going to try moussaka because of S-. I just might have to go and try to make all the mother sauces for different recipes at this rate!
6. Profound Loneliness
- I think loneliness is a creeping thing. There was a poem that captures how I feel better than I could put in words:
"do not
put
your hand
in the mouth of loneliness.
it’s teeth are soft
but it will scar you for life."
(Nayyirah Waheed)
The conversations that say nothing at all make me lonelier than silence and being alone.
7. Keyboard. I really, really want a keyboard with me right now. But I don't know if I can justify dropping 200+ just to satisfy a hobby/desire. Ugh money. It's weird because I am really starting to see where people put there money and their importance/priorities. Lesson for me before I start making any money.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Family med take two
Can't sleep so might as well blog.
I can overwhelmed by frustrations. Maybe it's just where I am, the kind of clinic that I'm at right now - because one of my classmates is at a private, well to do clinic and is loving it to the point where she's considering it for residency. But on the other hand, she doesn't have the same problems as my clinic.
The phrase that makes me want to cover my eyes: "I don't like taking medications so I stopped. Can you fix me?"
I mean. I have all the empathy in the world for disliking meds. I grew up in a very "meds are only for highly cannot bear this at all I feel utterly horrible moments". I'm super wary about NSAIDs even now. But how can I get the point across that YOU ARE DIABETIC AND PLEASE TAKE YOUR MEDS! Please please please! All I want to do is see your glucose come down and you to be happy and healthy and I know meds suck, but please take them!! Or blood pressure. Or mood stabilizers. Yes please take your mood stabilizers.
I just don't know what to do at this point. I almost want to ask, what are you expecting of us? Not in an accusatory way. Just a genuine curiosity, almost desperation, if you won't take our (highly) recommended medications, what are you expecting...?
I will listen my heart out if that is what you want. Or we will try another med? I just don't know. I just don't know.
Money. How much can I say that I hate America's health care? Because I loathe it with every single cell of my body. I was just horrified. No, maybe just disappointed or sadly surprised, a few days ago. Patient comes in with what is likely to be diaphragmatic pain. Acute, but not life threatening. We sent her to the ER because our clinic doesn't have the tools to do further diagnosing. We can't do a CT, no imaging here except for KUBs which she doesn't need. I am just shaking my head. My roommate went through ER last rotation and was saying how all the ER docs hate it when the patients come in like its primary care. Yeah. Well I'm IN primary care right now and we sent the patient to the ER for something that is not at all meant for the ER as it ought to be used. She will probably have to wait there because it's not life threatening. She already took hours to go through our clinic already. I am just so upset. It's so useless and broken and we can't even diagnose/treat this?
The attending was telling me this: that a lot of the doctor burnout rates are due to doctors progressively dealing with issues that are not medically related. Fighting tooth and nail with insurance companies, trying to schedule follow ups with patients who disappear. And I believe it. Even in these few weeks, I am already sick of this stuff and I don't even have to deal with the meat of the problem.
On a tangential side note. I am so frustrated at myself that I did not learn Spanish in high school or spent more time with it in college. A patient started crying in the middle of the visit, and I felt so helpless just sitting there with a box of tissues and squeezing her hand. And all I could think of was que pasa or dolor? Or ayudar. Trabajo difficile? All of which do not fit the situation, are wholly incorrect, and are completely useless and insufficient - and one word which I'm pretty sure is French. I mean. Que es la problema (is that even correct?), but how does one comfort in a language barrier? I am not a touchy sort of person, but I had to give her a hug before she left. And I am still sitting here feeling helpless and wondering what could I have said or done differently.
I am just frustrated. It is not "difficult" per se. But I am emotionally not happy with this rotation so far. I feel like family med is so useless. (I know, I know it's not). But it FEELS that way right now. And the worst thing is we need more family med docs right now. But who would want to go through this every day?
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Inconsequential complaints
1. I made real food, but there's ice cream in the fridge and all I want for dinner is mint chocolate chip ice cream :(
2. I forgot my coffee in the car. And I know I am literally two minutes away from going back to my car to get it... but I already sat down with my books and got comfortable. :(
3. I finished probably 80% of my work, but now I really, really don't want to do the last 20%. :(
4. I have such a good schedule right now, but I'm still tired.
... mostly because I'm staying up later than I know I ought to. :(
5. I'm trying hard to be a positive, upbeat person... but I just want to complain :(
Obviously my life is good enough right now to complain about stupid things. So there's that :)
2. I forgot my coffee in the car. And I know I am literally two minutes away from going back to my car to get it... but I already sat down with my books and got comfortable. :(
3. I finished probably 80% of my work, but now I really, really don't want to do the last 20%. :(
4. I have such a good schedule right now, but I'm still tired.
... mostly because I'm staying up later than I know I ought to. :(
5. I'm trying hard to be a positive, upbeat person... but I just want to complain :(
Obviously my life is good enough right now to complain about stupid things. So there's that :)
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Reflection
Do not be fooled by what you hear. People will tell you that you are talented and clever.
Do not believe them.
People will say that you are stupid and do not work hard enough and you will never amount to anything.
Do not believe them.
Even your friends will tell you words and phrases. And you might start to believe them. They will say you are easy to talk to and so very nice.
Strangers will say passing remarks about your reticience and your shyness and tell you that you need to speak up more, you are too shy.
You are not.
Do not start believing the words that are repeated in your ear.
Do not fall into the cage of spoken words that try to define you, to limit the edges of you are.
You know who you are.
Do not believe them.
People will say that you are stupid and do not work hard enough and you will never amount to anything.
Do not believe them.
Even your friends will tell you words and phrases. And you might start to believe them. They will say you are easy to talk to and so very nice.
Strangers will say passing remarks about your reticience and your shyness and tell you that you need to speak up more, you are too shy.
You are not.
Do not start believing the words that are repeated in your ear.
Do not fall into the cage of spoken words that try to define you, to limit the edges of you are.
You know who you are.
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Family med
I take it back. I hate it. I really freaking hate it.
I hate how the attendings don't listen and just talk over the patient. Or talk AT the patient and then the patient just nods. I hate how I can see that the patient won't "be compliant with medications and orders" because they can't afford it. I hate how useless I feel. I can empathize and listen all I want. But what good does it do if they're not going to get actual medication. They're not seeing us for a psych consult.
I hate the pace of this place. It's not patient focused at all.
I hate America's health care. How can someone not afford to get diagnosed with diabetes because it costs too much? Why is it that we just watch someone get neuropathy and retinopathy because insulin costs so much? Or just try to make do with $4 HEB drugs because that's the only why we know for sure that the patient can afford it?
Why do we have to spend over 1/4 of the visit talking about how to afford the medication and if it is cheaper to pay the bill before or after?
Why does it suck so much?
---
This is the first time where I thought: Please don't let me be like that in 10 years.
---
This is the first time where I thought: Please don't let me be like that in 10 years.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Quick thoughts
1. Busyness
- I think I am always happier when I am busy. I don't know if this because too much reflection makes me think more negative thoughts or if it's because I just like getting things done and there's that sense of accomplishment. Who knows. Regardless, I like third year a lot.
2. Family Med
- I really hated my first week for a various number of reasons. But it's the second week and I am not as annoyed. There is a lot of listening and guided questioning that needs to happen. I don't think I will ever like it, but I think I can end up doing the things I need to well.
- does empathy ever burn out?
- how much of the conversation should talk about money and cost?
- how much of a difference do you make?
- it's so slow....
3. Perceptions
- I realize that now even I have lost some sense of "normal weight". When I see on the chart that the patient is 300 lbs, I think okay, big guy. I see the actual person and I'm like, oh well, I've seen much worse. Isn't it weird? That the extremes of an obese person can severely change the perceptions of other people (who are still obese) just because of comparison.
4. Appreciation
- I appreciate a lot of little things right now.
5. Worry
- I worry too much. Or is it that I think too much?
6. What kind of dancer am I?
- I asked this to my partner. The response was this: You are sensitive to cues, but sometimes you read into cues that aren't there.
- Is this true for other aspects of my life?
7. Pediatrics
- If I hate everything else, I would love to be a specialized pediatrician. There are definitely more than one attending that I would really not mind being in 10 years.
8. Prayer
- God knows that I am weak. So He has given much.
- Prayer needed, prayer given, prayer for family and friends
9. Excited for visits!
- I think I am always happier when I am busy. I don't know if this because too much reflection makes me think more negative thoughts or if it's because I just like getting things done and there's that sense of accomplishment. Who knows. Regardless, I like third year a lot.
2. Family Med
- I really hated my first week for a various number of reasons. But it's the second week and I am not as annoyed. There is a lot of listening and guided questioning that needs to happen. I don't think I will ever like it, but I think I can end up doing the things I need to well.
- does empathy ever burn out?
- how much of the conversation should talk about money and cost?
- how much of a difference do you make?
- it's so slow....
3. Perceptions
- I realize that now even I have lost some sense of "normal weight". When I see on the chart that the patient is 300 lbs, I think okay, big guy. I see the actual person and I'm like, oh well, I've seen much worse. Isn't it weird? That the extremes of an obese person can severely change the perceptions of other people (who are still obese) just because of comparison.
4. Appreciation
- I appreciate a lot of little things right now.
5. Worry
- I worry too much. Or is it that I think too much?
6. What kind of dancer am I?
- I asked this to my partner. The response was this: You are sensitive to cues, but sometimes you read into cues that aren't there.
- Is this true for other aspects of my life?
7. Pediatrics
- If I hate everything else, I would love to be a specialized pediatrician. There are definitely more than one attending that I would really not mind being in 10 years.
8. Prayer
- God knows that I am weak. So He has given much.
- Prayer needed, prayer given, prayer for family and friends
9. Excited for visits!
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Family
If there's one thing that's true about my family, it's that we don't know how to ask for help.
Not me, not my brother, not my mom, not my dad.
It is probably pride. Or I don't know... some sort of asian reticence?
I've told this story to a couple of people, but when I was younger (oh I don't know, maybe 3rd grade? definitely something in elementary), I wouldn't accept anything unless it was offered three times. Do you want a fry? Casually offered like any 10 year old might to their friend.
No thank you.
But in my head, I really did want one.
Are you sure?
Yes, thanks.
One more time, ask me one more time please.
And that was the end. I ended up not getting a fry that day. I don't know why I remember that particular scene in my life. But I do. Pretty darn clearly too.
In high school, I tried not to answer real questions about myself unless it was asked three times. (I don't know why three. Just because?) Because that's when you knew they really wanted to know.
I don't know where this philosophy came from. Certainly nobody ever told it to me. And I'll ask for a fry if I want one now (maybe). I'll answer questions now too (if you ask twice maybe lol).
And I guess this is why I just don't trust anyone's first answer to my questions.
But my family is so bad at asking and accepting things. Or maybe it's that we just don't know what kind of help we should be asking for. That old adage of not knowing what you really need.
I just need to be more perceptive. And more preemptive.
Not me, not my brother, not my mom, not my dad.
It is probably pride. Or I don't know... some sort of asian reticence?
I've told this story to a couple of people, but when I was younger (oh I don't know, maybe 3rd grade? definitely something in elementary), I wouldn't accept anything unless it was offered three times. Do you want a fry? Casually offered like any 10 year old might to their friend.
No thank you.
But in my head, I really did want one.
Are you sure?
Yes, thanks.
One more time, ask me one more time please.
And that was the end. I ended up not getting a fry that day. I don't know why I remember that particular scene in my life. But I do. Pretty darn clearly too.
In high school, I tried not to answer real questions about myself unless it was asked three times. (I don't know why three. Just because?) Because that's when you knew they really wanted to know.
I don't know where this philosophy came from. Certainly nobody ever told it to me. And I'll ask for a fry if I want one now (maybe). I'll answer questions now too (if you ask twice maybe lol).
And I guess this is why I just don't trust anyone's first answer to my questions.
But my family is so bad at asking and accepting things. Or maybe it's that we just don't know what kind of help we should be asking for. That old adage of not knowing what you really need.
I just need to be more perceptive. And more preemptive.
Friday, August 14, 2015
Two stepping.
I had. SO. Much fun.
Yadada shelf exam and all that, blahblah prep for next rotation.
Whatever.
Two stepping. I really looked askance at this when I got to San Antonio. Thought it was super hick, too much country music, very not my scene. Well.... I really like it lol. I think it's more fun than dancing at a club, tbh. Thank goodness I have some musical background and can count beats. And I guess I'm glad I'm a girl because it's pretty easy to follow steps.
It's pretty interesting to see how different guys lead and set their cues. As a beginner, I def prefer the stronger leads with helpful nudges in the right direction. Danced with a guy that "hitched" his steps and I seriously could not follow (because I couldn't count the darn beats!!).
Overall, a fun night out :)
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Not my day
Today is just not my day.
Woke up late.
(had to skip breakfast >.<)
Got stuck in traffic.
Kept choosing the "wrong" lanes to merge into to avoid the traffic. (you know what i mean).
Kept forgetting to ask about recent labs.
Mangled my spanish and felt like a fool.
More traffic.
Dropped half a cup of coffee all over my white coat and my white shirt. ughhhhh.
(thereby losing my cup of coffee too. noooooo.)
... surprise laundry I guess.
Woke up late.
(had to skip breakfast >.<)
Got stuck in traffic.
Kept choosing the "wrong" lanes to merge into to avoid the traffic. (you know what i mean).
Kept forgetting to ask about recent labs.
Mangled my spanish and felt like a fool.
More traffic.
Dropped half a cup of coffee all over my white coat and my white shirt. ughhhhh.
(thereby losing my cup of coffee too. noooooo.)
... surprise laundry I guess.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Because this is cute
From one of my case studies:
"About half of the weight gained during the first 4 months of life is in the form of fat, making the 4-month-old infant the fattest healthy human, with about 25-26% of weight as fat."
Isn't that adorable? haha
"About half of the weight gained during the first 4 months of life is in the form of fat, making the 4-month-old infant the fattest healthy human, with about 25-26% of weight as fat."
Isn't that adorable? haha
Friday, August 7, 2015
First Impressions
In the first few minutes of a clinic visit, I can already tell the tone of the family. When I'm smiling and rattling off the automatic phrase of yon old medical students ("hello! my name is __ and I am a third year medical student. I'll just be asking you a few questions to get a better understanding of-), I can already tell....
If the parents care about the kid
If the kid cares about his own disease
If the mother doesn't really want to talk to me and is secretly wondering where the real doctor is
If the dad doesn't give a damn
If the kid is sweet and raised well
If it's a happy and supportive environment...
Don't you think it's crazy? Surely someone shouldn't be able to see so much in so little time. Aren't there extenuating circumstances? That I don't know the struggles or the problems behind the scenes (oh, but don't I? from past notes and the list of psych meds?).
I've always wondered if I could transcribe a person into words, if I could be written down in black and white and a thousand little letters. I imagined, if anything, it would be a leather-bound book of stories and dreams and half-sensed allegories of the depths of each person. (If anything, I am a romantic at heart. Unfortunately.)
But, let me just say... a medical record is pretty darn telling if the kid has been sick a lot. Social history, family history, notes about how the mother has taken away privileges, birthdays, school notes. It might not all be there, but I can almost see how some medical students have made the mistake of thinking they knew the patient before they even laid eyes on the very person.
But oh, how much I think I know the patient!
---
And then the perspective flip.
How much can the patient know of the physician? The few minutes where I think I already know so much about the patient... does the patient think the same?
If the physician is warm and inviting
If she is impersonal and cold
If he is smart and knowledgeable and concerned
If she cares about the patient at all?
---
Is it all just first impressions?
Monday, July 27, 2015
thinking too much
maybe i'm dwelling on past conversations too much, but i feel like i just keep saying the wrong things. or having the wrong tone in what I say.
How I imagine some of my words to come out never seems to come out quite like so.
And then I replay it over and over, thinking oh if i didn't say that, or if i said it differently.
ugh it's only an inside-my-own-head thing. nobody comments on it, but i can just feel it going out wrong, or vaguely offending people.
How I imagine some of my words to come out never seems to come out quite like so.
And then I replay it over and over, thinking oh if i didn't say that, or if i said it differently.
ugh it's only an inside-my-own-head thing. nobody comments on it, but i can just feel it going out wrong, or vaguely offending people.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Well
the problem with reading through an author's bibliography is that you generally start with their most well-known work. It may not be the best of theirs to offer, but it will be one of the best. So you read on and discover the book that you think is their best, and other couple of gems. And then you read some crap books which still has hints of the stuff you loved from their best book - but it really is not a good book. And then you can't do anything but shake your head because you really do like this author, but not this book.
It's like going in descending order, or eating your favorite bite first and trying to ignore the yuckiest stuff.
But going the other way is impossible. Because if you don't like the first book, why bother picking up another one?
Well, i guess it's all moot anyway because I don't really have the time to read anyway.
It's like going in descending order, or eating your favorite bite first and trying to ignore the yuckiest stuff.
But going the other way is impossible. Because if you don't like the first book, why bother picking up another one?
Well, i guess it's all moot anyway because I don't really have the time to read anyway.
Friday, July 10, 2015
Quick Recap
This is not a real post.
1. Pedi Heme/Onc.
Not a bad first week. Pleasantly surprised that I probably have enough business-esque clothes (esp after I went out and bought a couple more pants). Unfortunately my shoes are not good enough to cut it, especially standing so much. My back and feet hurt already. Probably going to invest in some danskos or something. They're just so ugly though -___-"
Peds is not as bad as I thought. Yeah, there are screaming kids sometimes, but what can you do. But heme/onc is so sad :( we get all the cancer kids. ughhh and some of them are soooo cute. And then after chemo, they just curl up in a ball and don't want to move. And they're nauseous and can't eat anything. Ugh so sad.
Another thing about rotations is that it's so freaking early. be there by 6:30. Wake up at 5:40. ..... that means I can't sleep at midnight anymore. But i'm not tired at 10 pm.... the struggles lol.
AND even though we get there so early to round and stuff, we still have to wake up the patients. *shakes head. The poor parents have to blearily open their eyes and listen to us chat about dosing and different lab values. And they're all wrapped up in the white hospital blankets on the uncomfortable pull out couch bed. *shakes head. It sucks. I'm so sorry for the families.
It's so chill. I hate it. Okay, not true. But sometimes it feels like empty and unstructured study time. It's like... what the heck am I supposed to be doing right now? I want to be doing something. Blah.
But everyone is chill. Residents, attending, nurses. *shrug.
Oh yeah. I realize I need to learn brand names of drugs, asap. It doesn't help if I know the generic and everyone just says the brand name. why zofran, zyrtec, dilaudid? why not just be ondansetron, citirizine, hydromorphine? why? and then trim/sulfa. why are you septra AND bactrim? why?? (complain complain)
I'm really not that annoyed. It's actually pretty interesting to finally put things together with a real patient.
2. Nutrition
I am vitamin D deficient. Ughhhh. And I ought to be exercising, but I am so tired after I get back (even though I feel like I haven't done anything!). And then I have to sleep by 10!! What the heck. (complain complain complain)
3. -thoughts-
"...
-ide....."
I will be brave soon. Or stupid. Sometimes there's a fine line between the two. One more week, I think.
4. Grand rounds
Learned about tx legislature for pediatrics. pretty interesting.
1. Pedi Heme/Onc.
Not a bad first week. Pleasantly surprised that I probably have enough business-esque clothes (esp after I went out and bought a couple more pants). Unfortunately my shoes are not good enough to cut it, especially standing so much. My back and feet hurt already. Probably going to invest in some danskos or something. They're just so ugly though -___-"
Peds is not as bad as I thought. Yeah, there are screaming kids sometimes, but what can you do. But heme/onc is so sad :( we get all the cancer kids. ughhh and some of them are soooo cute. And then after chemo, they just curl up in a ball and don't want to move. And they're nauseous and can't eat anything. Ugh so sad.
Another thing about rotations is that it's so freaking early. be there by 6:30. Wake up at 5:40. ..... that means I can't sleep at midnight anymore. But i'm not tired at 10 pm.... the struggles lol.
AND even though we get there so early to round and stuff, we still have to wake up the patients. *shakes head. The poor parents have to blearily open their eyes and listen to us chat about dosing and different lab values. And they're all wrapped up in the white hospital blankets on the uncomfortable pull out couch bed. *shakes head. It sucks. I'm so sorry for the families.
It's so chill. I hate it. Okay, not true. But sometimes it feels like empty and unstructured study time. It's like... what the heck am I supposed to be doing right now? I want to be doing something. Blah.
But everyone is chill. Residents, attending, nurses. *shrug.
Oh yeah. I realize I need to learn brand names of drugs, asap. It doesn't help if I know the generic and everyone just says the brand name. why zofran, zyrtec, dilaudid? why not just be ondansetron, citirizine, hydromorphine? why? and then trim/sulfa. why are you septra AND bactrim? why?? (complain complain)
I'm really not that annoyed. It's actually pretty interesting to finally put things together with a real patient.
2. Nutrition
I am vitamin D deficient. Ughhhh. And I ought to be exercising, but I am so tired after I get back (even though I feel like I haven't done anything!). And then I have to sleep by 10!! What the heck. (complain complain complain)
3. -thoughts-
"...
-ide....."
I will be brave soon. Or stupid. Sometimes there's a fine line between the two. One more week, I think.
4. Grand rounds
Learned about tx legislature for pediatrics. pretty interesting.
Friday, May 22, 2015
reminisce
when i was a kid -i dunno, maybe eight or nine years old- there was a period of time where I would be excited every time it rained. Because it meant that I would be able to go out and run around in the rain in the backyard. Maybe my memory is figment of my imagination all wrapped in rose-colored haze, but I feel like I really do remember those moments. Randomly running in circles, getting grass and mud all the way up the back of my calves, hair drenched until water is running down in rivulets, and of course me just giddy and out of breath from running so much.
of course, this was when texas was in drought season and there was no rain for over 90 days or something crazy like that. so instead of running in the rain, i'd go outside whenever the sprinkles went off. jumping over the little black sprinklers, half trying to avoid the water, but not really - because that's all the fun anyway. and of course going back inside, wet and laughing and covered in grass and dirt to my mom shaking her head and pushing me towards the shower.
it doesn't matter. sitting in the library right now, next to the window - i literally just watched a storm start. from a few pitter patter sounds, to a startling boom of thunder, and then a torrential flood of rain. in the span of a few minutes, i watched the sky turn from sun-drenched yellow with a haze of clouds into the gray-blue of overcast clouds with a belly full of rain.
have you ever had that feeling? where you look at something and you think, oh yeah, i used to do something silly and fun. now i just kind of sigh and think about getting wet walking back to my car.
i want to go run in the rain.
of course, this was when texas was in drought season and there was no rain for over 90 days or something crazy like that. so instead of running in the rain, i'd go outside whenever the sprinkles went off. jumping over the little black sprinklers, half trying to avoid the water, but not really - because that's all the fun anyway. and of course going back inside, wet and laughing and covered in grass and dirt to my mom shaking her head and pushing me towards the shower.
it doesn't matter. sitting in the library right now, next to the window - i literally just watched a storm start. from a few pitter patter sounds, to a startling boom of thunder, and then a torrential flood of rain. in the span of a few minutes, i watched the sky turn from sun-drenched yellow with a haze of clouds into the gray-blue of overcast clouds with a belly full of rain.
have you ever had that feeling? where you look at something and you think, oh yeah, i used to do something silly and fun. now i just kind of sigh and think about getting wet walking back to my car.
i want to go run in the rain.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Post wedding passing thought: sampler pack
Not really a post wedding recap, just a passing thought.
It was really great seeing so many people that I haven't seen since college. But it's like a sampler pack - too many and only just a little taste. I wish I could have a real conversation with so many people there. Dude. I could have had so many hour long conversations with SO many people. Argh. But the extent of the conversations were so minimal, it's almost just like making an appearance, or reminding people that you still exist.
It's like so many missed opportunities/possibilities. Yeah yeah I know I had bridal party duties, but still. I wish, you know?
I wonder if this is how it feels in the post college life. Each opportunity to sit down, talk, catch up just passes you by because there's so many people you'd like to do that with and so little time. And then obligations too and then other parts of life. And then each time you see them, you promise yourself you'll catch up with them or send a message to see how they're doing. I mean, really doing. Not just that bullcrap I'm doing okay, life is fine. But maybe you don't. And then you see them again at another sampler pack gathering type of reunion where it's all hi and I've missed you so much let's catch up next time. And maybe you don't.
And is this how connections fizzle out instead of breaking?
Yeah, of course there's the whole "you grow out of your friends" thing. But this... This is more of life trampling over it all, a pinch of laziness, a large dose of different priorities, and a huge bucket of effort.
Or maybe it's just that you have to accept that you have only so much energy for a few key friends in your life, and it's okay to give up the possibilities and half tentative friendships. Priorities?
It's still a little sad.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
golden rule
passing thought (not fully fleshed out):
the weird thing about the golden rule ("treat others as you would yourself") is that it sorta doesn't take into account empathy, sometimes.
Everybody has different standards of how they want to be treated.
Some people think traveling to see a friend is a given or no big deal. Or opening up your house is easy. Or giving life updates frequently. Or being in near-constant communication. Or being invited to all the activities. It's not always friendship either. Even random acquaintances. If you want to be approached, if you want to be left alone. If you want someone to pry, if you want silence or space.
So now the thinking diverges into two different paths. One, how I view a relationships if they cannot do the things I would do for them. And two, how my friends actually want to be treated (i.e. if they would actually appreciate the things I appreciate).
The first thought is, admittedly, slightly.... restrictive? in the sense that you expect something. "I put in this, I get this out". I travel to see you, you travel to see me.
Maybe. Maybe not. After all, a friendship is strongest when it's a two way street.
The second thought touches more, perhaps, on love languages. How you want to receive love, how you give love, what you treasure more.
... okay. No real point. Just a passing thought.
the weird thing about the golden rule ("treat others as you would yourself") is that it sorta doesn't take into account empathy, sometimes.
Everybody has different standards of how they want to be treated.
Some people think traveling to see a friend is a given or no big deal. Or opening up your house is easy. Or giving life updates frequently. Or being in near-constant communication. Or being invited to all the activities. It's not always friendship either. Even random acquaintances. If you want to be approached, if you want to be left alone. If you want someone to pry, if you want silence or space.
So now the thinking diverges into two different paths. One, how I view a relationships if they cannot do the things I would do for them. And two, how my friends actually want to be treated (i.e. if they would actually appreciate the things I appreciate).
The first thought is, admittedly, slightly.... restrictive? in the sense that you expect something. "I put in this, I get this out". I travel to see you, you travel to see me.
Maybe. Maybe not. After all, a friendship is strongest when it's a two way street.
The second thought touches more, perhaps, on love languages. How you want to receive love, how you give love, what you treasure more.
... okay. No real point. Just a passing thought.
Friday, April 24, 2015
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Rain
It's raining here. Hard rain, where the thunder rumbles through the thin walls and the sounds of raindrops are more like angry knocks at the door than a soft lull of white noise. The whole apartment complex is silent. Even the baby in the apartment below isn't screaming anymore. The couple that bickers about finances in the room behind my wall are quiet. All the world is just rain, pouring down around me.
Monday, March 9, 2015
A moment to reflect
Finished with academics, jumping (drowning) into STEP study, went back home, had an ice/snow day, got some future crap figured out, etc etc etc
Anyway.
Sermon today was about Abram and Sarai and how Sarai didn't believe God when he said that they would have kids and blah blah billions of stars and grains of sand and all that. And then here is what she did: She took matters into her own hands and told Abram to try and conceive with Hagar so that she might be able to raise up her maidservant's kid as hers to fulfill God's promise to her.
[Interject a quick annoyed note about how I really dislike how the pastor talked about Abram/Adam listening to their wives, which ended up as sin because it came off incredibly sexist. Like... "goes to show you what happens when you listen to your wife! hur hur hur! Just kidding! That was just a joke!" ....Just no. Are you freaking kidding me? Just rawr. But whatever. I can look past this to see important stuff.]
Okay yeah, but still. Powerful stuff. Because that saying that "God helps those who helps themselves". I think a lot of independent/self-sufficient/on-top-of-things people half believe it. ... I do, sorta (with qualifications, obviously). Sometimes I wonder if it's because I'd rather have a decision made rather wait around for a sign or two that may or may not be smoke and mirrors.
But this idea that Sarai took matters into her own hands and did something completely rational (in their culture/time), and was completely, utterly wrong. It's almost heart breaking for me because I get it. It's so logical, this thought process. "I'm barren. Can't have kids. God promises kids. Hagar can have kids and her kid will legally be mine/ours to raise. Problem solved." I can't even understand, sometimes, the old testament. Abraham is praised all the way through to the New Testament ("and it is counted to him as righteousness") for putting his own son to the knife. Sarai does something logical and she is tsked at and shamed for not trusting God. Ah my gosh, I totally feel for her.
.... sometimes I look at it and I'm just agog at how irrational it all seems. To sell all your possessions and buy a single pearl. To "throw your life away" just for the kingdom of heaven. Choose to wait rather than to act. To believe that God fulfills promises - as (literally) crazy as they sound. To have faith. Let me just say that again. To have faith. Sigh.
And here's the thing. God's promises aren't solely relegated to the people in the Bible. But for me as well. (and for you, I guess, but I'm writing about me here... so for me). And here's what I've been trying to get at. Do I trust enough that God fulfills those promises? That he is there if I knock, that he knew me from the womb and will be the wind beneath my wings or that I don't need to worry about tomorrow, and all those other promises he said that he will provide? That I will never go thirsty if I drink this water?
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Indecisive
I'm glad that there are people in my life that I can be stupid around. Or go to with stupid problems and be reassured that it's not that stupid (..... even though I kinda still think it is lol).
---
On a deeper, tangent to that - it just goes to show you that whatever you value (the most?) in yourself is always what you try to present to people. And it's the ones that you can let your hair down around, or let loose, or just be stupid without afraid of being mocked - that you can trust.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Dinner Thoughts
Do you know what's annoying?
Making 1.5 servings.
Slightly too much to eat in one meal (and if I do... ugh, too full). And feels like too little to save for the next meal.
Annoying.
Making 1.5 servings.
Slightly too much to eat in one meal (and if I do... ugh, too full). And feels like too little to save for the next meal.
Annoying.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Duology
Two non-related things:
First:
Something medical. Two articles talking about why patients sometimes do not take their medications - but not in the sense of "oh blah blah noncompliance idiot patient", but really trying to understand why.
And honestly - coming from an asian background where acupuncture, herbal teas, and the freaking nasty yi ren fen are used; or the mentality that "pills are not good for you", some of it is scarily true for my parents (and even me).
This article first: http://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMms1409015
Then this: http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/shedding-light-on-unreasonable-decisions
Second:
This quote struck the right notes with me:
She told him the truth. “I have never lost a love and I do not intend to. One can only lose love if one is careless, and I am never careless. You might say, really, that of anything I am best at caring, at paying close attention and minding what I’ve got. "
First:
Something medical. Two articles talking about why patients sometimes do not take their medications - but not in the sense of "oh blah blah noncompliance idiot patient", but really trying to understand why.
And honestly - coming from an asian background where acupuncture, herbal teas, and the freaking nasty yi ren fen are used; or the mentality that "pills are not good for you", some of it is scarily true for my parents (and even me).
This article first: http://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMms1409015
Then this: http://www.sciencebasedmedicine.org/shedding-light-on-unreasonable-decisions
Second:
This quote struck the right notes with me:
She told him the truth. “I have never lost a love and I do not intend to. One can only lose love if one is careless, and I am never careless. You might say, really, that of anything I am best at caring, at paying close attention and minding what I’ve got. "
Saturday, January 17, 2015
longing
how to write without being embarrassed,
how to say words from the heart without feeling vulnerable,
how to love and long and dream and feel without drowning.
didn't you know? there is a longing in everyone's soul.
for love, to be known, for someone or something to fill a God shaped hole.
it is not enough to think, not enough to be.
where is the growth? where is the desire? where is the want?
words are not enough.
feelings are not enough.
actions are only one part of the equation.
to reach for: generosity. kindness. love.
to remember: trust, vulnerability, community.
to be: true.
how to say words from the heart without feeling vulnerable,
how to love and long and dream and feel without drowning.
didn't you know? there is a longing in everyone's soul.
for love, to be known, for someone or something to fill a God shaped hole.
it is not enough to think, not enough to be.
where is the growth? where is the desire? where is the want?
words are not enough.
feelings are not enough.
actions are only one part of the equation.
to reach for: generosity. kindness. love.
to remember: trust, vulnerability, community.
to be: true.
Friday, January 16, 2015
Goals and pondering thoughts
Small group thoughts:
What a different group of girls we all are. I think, in all honesty, it makes it much harder for me to open up more vulnerably. It's not even a conscious thing. Just an underlying feeling of unease, where I am still measuring what words to say and how the group will respond. Whereas in another group, in which I know that there is more similarity in thought processes, I might feel greater urge to share other thoughts.
So I am blessed for having such a group of girls in the past where sharing came more easily. And now blessed for being able to grow without that kind of initial bond of familiarity. I must put in more effort to connect.
I am starting to also see how my responsibilities shape my interactions. Duty. Responsibility. How many times do I have repeat that?
When there is no lines to say and an undefined part given, I tend to lurk in the background. I must not see myself as a bystander, or a receiver, but a giver.
Goals:
I have been slacking on this. My mantra was just "survive". Which is really no goal at all.
I said a goal in sg today, and hopefully I can learn this year and not just float downstream.
What a different group of girls we all are. I think, in all honesty, it makes it much harder for me to open up more vulnerably. It's not even a conscious thing. Just an underlying feeling of unease, where I am still measuring what words to say and how the group will respond. Whereas in another group, in which I know that there is more similarity in thought processes, I might feel greater urge to share other thoughts.
So I am blessed for having such a group of girls in the past where sharing came more easily. And now blessed for being able to grow without that kind of initial bond of familiarity. I must put in more effort to connect.
I am starting to also see how my responsibilities shape my interactions. Duty. Responsibility. How many times do I have repeat that?
When there is no lines to say and an undefined part given, I tend to lurk in the background. I must not see myself as a bystander, or a receiver, but a giver.
Goals:
I have been slacking on this. My mantra was just "survive". Which is really no goal at all.
I said a goal in sg today, and hopefully I can learn this year and not just float downstream.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Meditation.
It's been hard on my faith.
Maybe I metaphor a little too much, but I told someone "I can give God my heart and soul, but I almost want to say that I can't give him my mind". He can have my love and be the one that guides my morality and actions and truth, but I don't have time to spare for him. (I know, I know, heart soul and mind doesn't translate to that exactly, but roll with me here). I can't think about God all day or meditate upon his words. I need my mind to memorize this and that and study and all of this. I don't have time or space in my mind for any more of him.
So I reluctantly carved out a small bit of brain-space for God and left him there, cramped and stuck. "You stay there, God. Be good, don't move please. I need to go study now. I'll come back when I can."
I have just enough of God in my life. But I can't give him anymore than I have. And aren't I generous for giving him that much already? I'm doing fine as a Christian, yesiree.
And then at the first service of the year, we had communion. And it was all "what can wash away you sins?", "come as you are", "sinner come kneel", "a thousand blessings", and "nothing but the blood of Jesus",
And as I took the bread, the man holding the basket told me "the body of Christ". I moved forward to dip it in the cup of wine, and the lady holding the cup whispered to me with a smile "the blood he shed for you".
Oh God, why do you knock on the walls that I've built around your little corner in my head? Aren't you comfortable there? Do you really need that much more space, that much more of me?
And then at the first small group of the year, we read 1 John 4. In which it was all "we abide in him and he in us" and "love comes from God" and this:
"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."
Dear God, I love so selfishly.
What I am trying to say is that I don't want to be complacent with my faith. Happy with just this amount. Small group, church, a few verses a day. And then leave the rest of my week alone. I don't want to be complacent. Or, I mean, technically I do - because it would be so much easier.
But I don't.
Maybe I metaphor a little too much, but I told someone "I can give God my heart and soul, but I almost want to say that I can't give him my mind". He can have my love and be the one that guides my morality and actions and truth, but I don't have time to spare for him. (I know, I know, heart soul and mind doesn't translate to that exactly, but roll with me here). I can't think about God all day or meditate upon his words. I need my mind to memorize this and that and study and all of this. I don't have time or space in my mind for any more of him.
So I reluctantly carved out a small bit of brain-space for God and left him there, cramped and stuck. "You stay there, God. Be good, don't move please. I need to go study now. I'll come back when I can."
I have just enough of God in my life. But I can't give him anymore than I have. And aren't I generous for giving him that much already? I'm doing fine as a Christian, yesiree.
And then at the first service of the year, we had communion. And it was all "what can wash away you sins?", "come as you are", "sinner come kneel", "a thousand blessings", and "nothing but the blood of Jesus",
And as I took the bread, the man holding the basket told me "the body of Christ". I moved forward to dip it in the cup of wine, and the lady holding the cup whispered to me with a smile "the blood he shed for you".
Oh God, why do you knock on the walls that I've built around your little corner in my head? Aren't you comfortable there? Do you really need that much more space, that much more of me?
And then at the first small group of the year, we read 1 John 4. In which it was all "we abide in him and he in us" and "love comes from God" and this:
"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us."
Dear God, I love so selfishly.
What I am trying to say is that I don't want to be complacent with my faith. Happy with just this amount. Small group, church, a few verses a day. And then leave the rest of my week alone. I don't want to be complacent. Or, I mean, technically I do - because it would be so much easier.
But I don't.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Beans
I am such an idiot. Got lured in by the big 50% off sticker on the front. And now I have 2 lbs of French beans. TWO POUNDS. I just got finished sautéing about .5 lbs and that enough for two meals... Ughh. Right they're pretty tasty, but I'm dreading the end result of this spontaneous buy....
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