Art

Since I had some spare time in between meeting friends and eating dinner and whatnot, I googled free events in the city. There was a beautiful thumbnail picture of sculptures at an art gallery called The Silos. So just drove over there to pretend to be cultured and look at art.

Walked in and immediately it's obvious that it is repurposed warehouse. Hard grey concrete everywhere with the ventilation pipes visible on the ceilings and PVC pipes around each corner. It was bare of everything except the frames of art and the floor to ceiling sculptures. It was not at all like a polished art gallery at well known art museums, or even smart art displays for students at colleges or whatnot. Instead it felt very unfinished, rough around the edges, and a display of artists who were waiting for their big break.

Apparently The Silos are individual art studios for independent artists instead of a specific artist showcasing. The thumbnail sculpture that drew me in wasn't even there, but there was still some interesting art. I actually really loved it - less the art and more the experience. Just wandering around the warehouse, cold concrete lined with frames and pieces of art, was just something that made me really think a lot about art and what that means.

How valuable is art, what is the price you would put for these pieces, how hard it is to make a living, and also what exactly constitutes art. Looking at some of the pieces, I was wondering what my basis of judging art came from. Was it - do I like it enough to put on my kitchen wall? or was it - it makes me feel something. or was it - would I pay for it? It was just really beautiful to see the different types of mediums and the sculptures and also just inspiration for art in general. To look at art and wonder if these pieces are parts of their souls and that they have given a bit of it onto canvas - and I sit here and judge it if it's worthy to be on my kitchen wall. Also in another part of my mind, it makes me want to be creative again. What would be the outpouring of my soul onto canvas? Would it be acrylic or oil, would it be hard lines, what would I do.

There is a line in Sunday in the Park with George, a musical based on Georges Seurat's famous pointillism painting called A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte, that goes: White: a blank page or canvas.... so many possibilities.

That's what these unknown artists' art reminds me of. That there are so many possibilities. And the cumulative results of all the work is not necessarily the most brilliant or the most wonderful. But surely the striving that came from all that effort is better than just leaving it all blank. Endless possibilities is wonderful, but it is better to try than not.

There are some pieces that I wanted to remember. One was a large drapery that reminded me of those movies of arabian worlds or just the poorer districts of the world where they don't have roofs. Hanging drapes in the corridor of a concrete warehouse, and it makes me think of third world countries. Painted gold paper roses framed, winter trees at night, large globs of paint dripped onto canvas, chess pieces in revolving perspectives, a strange mixture of paint and resin and geometric spirals and figures.

It is art. And art is beautiful.

Halcyon days

What they told me today: stop and smell the roses. sometimes it is the journey that will be greater than the destination. you will get to the end, but if you forget to stop and breathe, then you will have missed out on so much more.

Being in this city makes me nostalgic in a way that the scent of white pear tree blossoms instantly reminds me of my childhood home. Maybe it is all rose-colored lenses. I leave too much of my heart everywhere I go.

I thought I knew what I wanted all this time. And now these days I realize how little I actually know of what I want. And if that's the case, I might as well pause to tip toe through the tulips, sniff a rosebud or two, and go wandering down the bayou.

Tomorrow will be what tomorrow brings. But today, there is just nostalgia, conversation, and boba.

---

Strolling through parks and green spaces, drinking coffee at cute coffee shops, talking about everything and nothing, relaxing in a park bench and watching the fluffy white clouds, wandering through art galleries, swinging on children's playgrounds, eating egg tarts and ramen and dim sum and all the food, laughing, swinging in a hammock at a beer garden, wandering through fondy, lying on the 180 to see the stars, getting a massage, window shopping and leisurely exploring the village, reminiscing.

If only life could be like this every day.

Idyllic moments, these halcyon days.
Every day a silver lining. 

There are none (what is the right path?)

They told me to follow my heart,
to live my dreams and go for the gold.
And I listened with wide eyes and
waited for my life to unfold.

They never told me that the road
I was so easily walking would
split into a thousand paths
and leave me uncertain as I stood.

They told me to find love,
to chase after success, and lead.
And I wonder now if anyone
in the world could succeed.

I chose this path to go on.
But sometimes it seems
the left turn there will be
the right path to my dreams.

Walk through life

I try to walk through life lightly.

Each step a tip toe to the next pass,

hesitating to disturb the road

or trample down the grass.

But sometimes I see the ones

who walk here and there

and leave footprints inches deep.

Boldly, without care.

And it makes me wonder

if I should tread a little firmer,

to leave more of a mark

and more than just a murmur.

Interactions

This is what I think about busy people: it is easy to be selfish because you have no time to think about others.

This is what I think about people: many people are just not in their right environment to show their best selves.

The more time you have, the easier it is to care for someone else, to think of others, to be there for another person, to have the energy to reach out first.

It is just harder when your friend group is comprised of entirely ambitious, successful, career-driven, busy people. 

Life Motto

I had a friend tell me this the other day:

Your life motto is: What is the most practical? Then do it.

I thought about it.
It might actually be true.

Recipe Addendum

I've found that I'm more inclined to try recipes when I trust the blog. And so far, budgetbytes has been my absolute favorite blog so far. Relatively simple, a variety of recipes, nothing time intensive, on a grocery budget, fairly healthy, has a quick recipe/instruction list and pictures on the how-to, does not have a ridiculously long backstory for each recipe. It ticks a lot of my boxes.

Blogs like smittenkitchen is beautiful to look at, but way too time intensive/fancy for me to want to try to make the recipes.
Pioneerwomen often is extremely butter heavy and not something I want to make consistently for my meals due to health.

So all the being said, these are the recipes I want to make from budgetbytes:

Creamed spinach

Curried Chickpeas

Turkey Meatloaf

And some sort of frittata.

recipe round up

What I've been eating:

This "Cowboy Caviar"  is officially a winner recipe. Made it twice now. Easy, just some minor vegetable cutting, and it's done. Pretty decent source of veg and meal filler that feels healthy. Not a huge fan of the black beans, but it's necessary to give it extra sustenance. I really like it with guac and some protein and rice. Or even on top of a hobo quesadilla. Or just with tortilla chips.

This dakdortitang is also pretty killer. Recommended by a friend, I think it's super easy (one pot) and really good for a hot meal. The level of spice is a bit much for me, but the flavor is worth it.

This is my go to banana bread recipe. It's the fluffiest, lightest banana bread ever. I haven't tried any other since. .... it's also a bit like banana cake though. But... yum :D

Also my go to recipe for pot pie. Super easy (which I need, otherwise I will not make it more than once), filling, and good for a couple of meals. Also pie crust is just delicious.

Red wine poached plums and plum greek yogurt cake make for a surprisingly amazing combo. I would not really suggest making this unless you have excess plums and excess greek yogurt. But on the other hand.... I did get quite a few compliments on the cake and plums.

This vegan corn chowder (just replace milk/half and half with coconut milk). I surprisingly liked it more than I expected. I don't usually eat vegan (heck I add meat to the meatless recipes), but my friend was trying. Tasty, but I think it needs some sort of toasted bread with the chowder. I'd make it again though. But I really might just add some sausage :O

A combo of these two recipes (indian style creamed spinach and chicken saagwala) to make a chicken saagwala. Combined because I liked the looks of the spinach portion of the former, but wanted to add chicken to make it a complete dish. It turned out really well. My first foray into Indian cooking. 100% would do it again. 

----

To make:

This soup (dakjim?), but I need to go to my asian market and get some starch noodles.

My mom's chicken soup

A daikon soup

I really want to try to make an indian dish, but there are so many components that I don't have. Have to think on this.

food wants

i want to eat a whole can of pringles.

i want to eat saag paneer || chicken sagwala || pad thai.

i want a tin of elderflower tea.

i want to learn how to use a grill.

i want to eat a caprese salad.

----

i think i'm hungry right now :/ but it's also 1130 pm and i should be going to sleep.
problems.

Strengths

Went to taco tuesday with a friend at a place with very few parking spots. I saw a woman get in her car and I signaled for the spot. She didn't end up leaving and multiple cars were stuck behind me. A car drove next to me and yelled at me for not moving. Well, sucks. For everyone.

He later saw me in the restaurant and apologized. I accepted.

Here's the thing: Everyone has good points and strengths. It's just a matter of when and where you see the person. Maybe that horribly rude person was just having a bad day.

Or maybe some people just shine in different environments.

I wonder what is the ideal environment for each person. If I could have a greenhouse with the ideal conditions for myself, what would be there.

just random musings.

hair catastrophe

Had a hair incident in which I ended up losing probably more than a foot of hair.

Regardless, I am almost apathetic about my hair... which is really weird because I used to cry over hair cuts. In a weird way, these days I've been thinking about my body as just a vessel to get the things I need to do done. Just feed it and water it a bit and make sure it doesn't get hurt, but otherwise, what does it really matter what happens if hair is short or long, if it's tall or short, if there are eleven fingers, or random moles. What does it really matter. As long as it's healthy and functional. Somehow I don't think these are exactly normal thoughts though.

Went to a gym and they gave me a fitness test. In which they called me "skinny fat". Thanks. 22% body fat, thank you very much. But it's probably true. I definitely don't have enough muscle mass to be at peak functionality. They talked about calorie intake to help increase lean mass gain. .... I honestly don't think I eat enough for real "gainz". O.o But maybe I should calorie count? Except it's so darn annoying.

Half thinking about doing 5x5 or something like that. Now, to just get over the shyness of using the weight lifting section of the gym. I wish I got into weight lifting in college, tbh.

But the point is this: the body is just a vessel.

Birthday

Yay I'm 26 now. I certainly don't feel it. I think of myself still as... 23 maybe? Out of college, but barely. Regardless, I'm on the other side of my twenties now, and isn't that strange. But such is life and such is time and everything keeps on moving regardless if you do or do not.

I had a pretty lovely day. Went to happy hour with friends and got a free drink and free cake from the waiter (!). Seriously though, is it because I wore make up? If I think back on the times I've gotten free things (not including job fair-esque free stuff lol), it's because there was some form of make up. Would a guy have gotten a free drink? I wonder.

A friend also baked me a cake. She's so talented. Earl grey cake. Soooo delicious. And presents. And well wishes. And messages.

Gah. I feel positively loved. Because birthdays really aren't that special in my mind. It's just another day, isn't it? But having even people come to happy hour to wish me happy birthday is really, really sweet. And if I compare this birthday to last year, gah the difference is immense.

I think I need to learn how to give better gifts. Everybody likes receiving something, right? Clearly this is one of those love languages that I have neglected from my end.

---

I have a fig tree in my backyard now. I am seriously in love. I want a fruit tree in all of my backyards now! I want a hammock in my backyard!

I love just walking outside and picking a couple of ripe figs and eating them within minutes. Sun ripened, soft and sweet, the curl of seeds a pale pink when you bite into the center. Gosh, the perfect snack when I don't feel like preparing anything.

---

I have roof access. I sorta love it. I really, really like sitting on roof tops. There is something about heights. Whether it's perching on the kitchen counter top or climbing up ladders that weren't put away yet, I just want to sit somewhere high. Sitting on the roof... you stare down at the world from a higher perspective, you can lie back and watch the clouds, or you can just enjoy sitting and watch the birds on the fig tree. I want to bring tea and book out there soon.

---

Analogies never work.

Anyone can say
Life is like a free cosmopolitan, or
Life is a never ending race, or
Age is like fine wine, or
Age is like fruit on a tree, or
whatever the hell you want.

Sometimes it just is what it is.

These Days

These days are all about the searching.

The search
for meaning
for beauty
for mercy and grace
for God
and his hand in life and what is moving
for peace and acceptance
for joy
for satisfaction in the things i do
for comfort and warmth

I am searching for all these things daily. Even when I am talking to friends, or walking down the stairs to the fridge of this new place. It's all a reminder, it's a new territory.

There is so much beauty in the world. After Alaska, I think that all the more. Snow covered mountains that stretch across the entire horizon, the crisp air and chill at my fingertips, the mist of the clouds hanging so low, the waves underneath my feet, the sunset turning the entire sky orange and reflecting off the ocean for miles and miles, the spray of ocean. I just wanted to close my eyes and turn my head towards the sky and soak it all in until these moments are buried in my heart. Because oh, the world is worth it. Because there is still beauty and lovely things to be seen.  

Poetry

...Don’t you ever feel
like you’re just
a story someone is telling
about someone like you?...

- What the Dragon Said: A Love Story, by Catherynne Valente

kinship

I have the greatest friends. I don't know how many times I can reiterate that without sounding like a fool. But I really do.

Why are people so amazing?

I've also said this multiple times, but a person who reads my bookshelf will know me better than I could ever express in words.

But talking about books with someone who also reads is just ugh some of the best conversations.

I imagine it would be for anyone who has similar hobbies. Like music.

Happiness

if i reflect on what is happiness,
what do i imagine.

the happiest day of my life, which one would i choose?
the happiest moment, what would that be?

emotions are so unreliable.

we cannot go chasing after emotions for an every lasting high.

there will never be a moment so happy that i can bask in that forever.
... can there be?

but does that mean i shouldn't be looking for happiness?

i want to be loved by more than God.

YES. isn't that blasphemy. To say that God is not enough for me. Why can't I have more?

Am I made of too much of this world now?

How is God enough to sustain
when i want to love and be loved and be respected and all these ridiculous emotions.

The world isn't fair. I already knew that.
But I still linger on that barest brush of hope - that there still might be happiness in store for me too.

God doesn't promise happiness. You know he doesn't. He promises to be the wind underneath your wings, to clothe you like the lilies of the valley, to know your name, to know how many hairs you have on your head, and that he is there. That he listens. And that if you drink of him, he will not leave you thirsty. That there will be a heaven, a place for you if you believe. He will be your daily bread. He will King of Kings and the alpha and the omega.

But God. Does. Not. Promise. Happiness.

and i am so tired of being unhappy.

Oh but Karen, what would make you happy. Happiness is not lasting. If you find a boy, if you have a great job, if you travel the world, if you have all these - even then, how do you know you will be happy?

I don't know.
I don't know.

But I still want it.
Is that okay?

God. How can you be enough for me when I want so much?

Quick thoughts

1. Casual friends.
It's hard for me to have them.

2. Love languages.
Obviously words of affirmation (if I believe you) and quality time. But I like touch more than I realized in my college years.

3. Curiosity.
Can kill the cat. But I am trying really hard to not be too interrogative or nosy.
.... I fail a lot of the times.

4. OSCEs
It was actually really good. I am surprised how much I think I needed to do that type of simulation.
Medical Errors. Autopsy. Consent. Family Discussion.

5. Beauty and the Beast
Not as feminist as I thought it was. But the songs are just as great.

6. Stress
Stressed out, more than I realized. Something about bootcamp, volunteering, and extra classes. Ugh, I shouldn't be this stressed, but I still am. Fix me, please.
Touching on that... am getting tension headaches almost daily now -___-" why does my body do this.

7. Groups.
I have a bad habit of ups and downs. Where upon I felt like I didn't have enough people interaction. And thus aimed to correct it by scheduling a lot of activities with different subgroups of friends. And now I feel like I am committed to too many groups now. Which is a very odd feeling now because I think too many things are getting double booked, or I have to say no.

8. Eating healthy.
Gained 5ish lbs from Fredericksburg. Mostly because I didn't cook at all. Then I put off shopping for 2 weeks. Yay me. Now I went grocery shopping. Ugh now I have to cook

9. Is God good?
The ultimate question.
God does not promise you a "good" life. He does not promise you a "successful" life.
It is a hard pill to swallow.

10. .... I need to learn to how to casual.

Ecclesiastes

Ecclesiastes is, without any question, my favorite book of the Bible.

It has been, since for as long as I can remember. Middle school, maybe?

Today, two dear friends showed me something called the Bible Project.

WATCH THIS

Dear goodness. It is everything I believe. 

And their shorts on Proverbs and Jobs make me realize why I really don't love those books as much. 

Just ugh. It's so good. It is so on point. 

Language

Here is a truth that I am starting to believe: There is no "norm" when it comes to relationships. 

What works for one friendship may not work for another. What works in your romantic relationship may not work in another. But none of it is wrong. It simply is.

You make your own normal. And stop worrying so much about what it means to be normal or basing your actions and expectations on what you perceive as normal and just freaking be.

Of Doing

Wineries with dear friends and sleepovers.

On the last weekend of my Fredericksburg rotation, my small group girls came up to visit me and do wine tastings and sleepovers and delicious food outings.

The weather sucked. It was grey skies, sheer rain that felt like walking in cold mist, and a chilly wind that slithered under your coat. But it couldn't stop the laughter, warmth of conversation, and talks that made us feel known.

I've never done a wine tasting, and I am really, really glad they came so I could. The small sips of wine, the rolling of the wrist to swirl the wine, discussing with the employees about the delicate flavors, moving from dry white to rose to full-bodied reds to sweet whites and dessert. Tasting the wood and cherry, and thinking about what kind of wine I like. It was a lot of fun.

And then taking a bottle to just sit down and talk. It was what I hope in my friendships. It's not the 4 am, soul-baring discussions - but it was a talk of learning and struggles and emotions and of this is who i am and where i am at and just thank you God for putting these girls in my life. All of with a glass of red at my lips and the cold wet mist on our cheeks.

We karaoked and danced around the room and ate cookies and laughed too hard. My throat hurt after it all, my cheeks hurt from smiling. We talked through the night and fell asleep talking. We woke up and did it all over again. I am extremely grateful that I somehow did not run out of emotional energy throughout the whole week.

Friendship is a wondrous thing, more beautiful than jewels, more precious than gold.

Wrap Up

My time in this little city is coming to an end, and I am pouring out my thoughts like water from a jug, just to see how it flows and where it will run downstream. With lit candles around me and water in a wine glass and a house full of 1920s paisley print and cowboy motifs.

It wasn't as completely isolated as one might expected, since I went back to SA every weekend. And that dose of friendship and community is on par with what I normally have, even if I were in the city. I don't know how I would have fared if I didn't drive back. Lonelier maybe. Definitely.

But I definitely tasted solitude and loneliness a lot more in these four weeks. I really tried to make the most of my time here and play the tourist - as I do not usually do so in cities that I live for four years (e.g. Houston and SA). Walking down Main St, wandering through Ladybird Park, climbing Enchanted Rock, trying out foods and wines, drinking a pint at bars, etc.

I don't think I particularly like doing things by myself, these type of activities that are normally done with a significant other or a group of friends. But it is interesting. It is a lot more restful, a lot more internal-seeking, a state of mind that is pondering. It is easy to get lost in my own mind sometimes. But I also think I do notice more about the world around me when I am alone.

Solitude. It is not terribly difficult, not really. I get to do all the things I want. I wander around random trails, jump over creeks, pause for too long at a strange rock, decide to check out linen stores, kick back and enjoy my favorite music on repeat that goes on and on until I get sick of it myself, light a candle. And in solitude, there is much time of self-observation and reflection and considering of thoughts.

But I want to share these moments. These moments where I climb to the top of Enchanted Rock and my heart is beating a tattoo and my ears are tingling from the cold and I stare at the sky and marvel at how close I seem to the clouds. Where I feel the warmth of a fire and the taste of a sharp red wine at a cozy restaurant. Where I try schnitzel or goat or venison chili for the first time. It doesn't "change" me irrevocably. Not at all. But it is just part of my life and experience now and sometimes I can bring them up in conversations to relate to people or interest them or move the conversation along. But I can't get rid of that feeling of wanting to share all these experiences with someone dear to me and then later turn around and say, laughing, don't you remember when...?

I want to build memories with people. Not just with myself.
That, that, is my main disappointment of solitude.
I am not afraid of being alone. I am not afraid of doing things by myself.
But I want it all to have meaning.

----

Living.
There was a darling golden retriever at the place I stayed. I realize that if I ever get a pet, it absolutely cannot shed haha.

I got along with the person who lived in the front of the house. But I think my strengths in building relationships with people are listening and asking questions. Very rarely I give too much about myself out unless asked. But she works in promotion and charity work for the hospital and asking for donations. So she is a talker. The energetic kind, bubbly and emphatic and..... superficial? That isn't the right word. She really isn't superficial in the sense of "fake" or only concerned about appearances. But I could definitely tell when she was "on" and trying to generate excitement for certain programs. But I am the same way, aren't I? To be a conversationalist in a group or crowd or party, to move things along, I do it too. None of that is fake - just using different parts of yourself.

Kindness does not always seem genuine.

I think I realize that even more in here. That type of "Southern" kindness. It is almost a polite type of kindness. But does that mean they actually care? Likely not. But it is the norm. The courtesy of asking how you are, even if you're passing by. I think I've been called darling, sweetie, dear, honey way more than I ever had here.

---

I went to a country club for pilots and other people who have the money with the person who owns the place I'm staying. It was this ritzy place with wine and a cheese platter and live music. It was small talk about politics and their vacations to Switzerland and Europe and business and real estate. It was.... I don't know. Surreal? Another type of culture shock. That internal feeling of these are not my people. They were lovely people. But the whole thing, the area and cost of the glass of wine and ambiance and the type of conversation that screams wealth and willing to spend it.... I don't think I ever could.

But it was.... something that I don't want to forget. Because I hadn't been in that situation before. And isn't it because I only make certain type of friends? I need to broaden my horizons. How? These are the type of friends that are not deep friends. They are the ones you ask to come out for a glass of wine, or ask about your vacation, or gossip a little. But do they go to each other for problems? I don't know, but I would guess not.

I have such a hard time making those types of friends.
HA probably because I think its effort to go out! Too much energy wasted to make those type of friends.

But dang, I wish I could because those are the types that succeed in business and making connections.

I can fake being an extrovert for only so long.

---

Small towns are weird. Weird, but.... understandable.
Except for their politics.
Hahaha.
Politics.
Fully right wing conservatives, Fox news, no empathy for the other side, 100% gun-loving.
Exposure is that main thing. It really is. If I were born into this type of small town vibe and grew up here and lived here my whole life and never left, I would bet I'd be the same. I'd probably grow up learning how to shoot guns and raising goats and going to the stockshow and voting down the Republican party line.
But I didn't. And I smiled and nodded multiple times and just kept eating whatever food I could so I wouldn't have to talk.
But I am starting to see how Trump won in Texas by such a landslide. I was surprised because within all of the metropolitan areas, it is fairly blue. Most of my friends are left of center, with a some exceptions. But I can see why here.
There is so much bias. I must always keep an eye on my own as well.

There is so much agriculture here - or "ag", as they would say here. So many cattle, goats, sheep, and so many people own ranches. I..... am completely out of my depth here haha. It is definitely a surprise. I see where all the stereotypes come from... and all of them would apply here haha.

---

Dreams.
I've been having vivid dreams again. The kinds that linger and I remember and sometimes I think back and wonder if that was memory or dream.
I find myself sleeping too much these days.
I thought it was because the wifi here sucks (oh small town problems) and I couldn't surf the internet or watch netflix or whatever, so out of boredom I just went to bed earlier.
But these dreams really are quite vivid.
I see, I feel, and sometimes I wake up with my heart beating too quickly.
Sleep.
I wish it were different.

---

Hospital.
In all of my experience in ORs, most of them have been professional. Of course all attendings have their own style and personalities. But never had I ever had such a crude OR as one here. Frat boy attending, crude humor with every comment, and the nurse, scrub techs, and anesthesiologist all shifted their personalities to match the attending. I am incredibly uncomfortable with it all. I don't mind a little crude humor, and I do like some deadpan wit; but sometimes it is genuinely not kind. Jokes at the expense of other people, some are the butt of jokes, rude gossip, exchanges jokingly asking for sexual favors. I can't do this type of OR. I really can't. He's a good surgeon. And he's actually a good teacher as well. But.

I realize this about myself. I am actually incredibly quiet - especially when I am uncertain and don't trust the people around me. I think I always have been - that is my natural state of being. I only learned to be more talkative because I had to. Somehow I need to learn the skill of talking even if I am uncertain.

On a certain nurse. I hadn't been that angry in a long, long time. When the nurse pulled me aside to tell me that I was "pushy" and was intruding on her job. I don't love confrontation. But I am not going to keep my mouth shut either if things like that happen. I am literally paying to be there and to learn. If it is anyone's right to be in the middle of the surgery, it's me. I am not "under" anyone, even if I'm only going to be there for four weeks. And let me just say, if you are not pushy in the OR, then you are not going to be doing anything. What do you expect me to do, just watch quietly from the corner? I might as well not scrub in. I was furious. I hated that room's OR culture, I got a lecture about my "place" in the procedure, and just ugh.
The conclusion is this: the whole OR changes to the surgeon's personality.
And this: you cannot always avoid conflict.

---

Amusing.
I generally wear a bit of eyeliner and tinted lip balm. I think I ate something and the lip balm rubbed off. A scrub tech looked at me and asked, where's your lips?
I was like.... on my face? but didn't actually say that.

I think that phrasing is hilarious. Where are your lips? Where are your eyes?
But it also goes to show you that people notice your make up.

---

I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, 
a chasing after the wind.

Why, then, do I still chase after the wind?

Learning Solitude

I have been learning the meaning of solitude lately.

What it means to do things on my own purely for the sole enjoyment of what I am doing and myself.

Walking a nature trail
Star gazing
Eating at a new restaurant
Taste testing samples at a peach farm

All of those things are something that are commonly done with people.
With.

But for me, I just find myself thinking more and more by myself.
Soaking in the moment of wherever I am,
wondering random thoughts,
wandering aimlessly to my own desire,
trying to be present in the moment.

Extra

1. Cat Valente
Just holy smokes. She is so well read. And her writing is so beautiful.
I wish I were more well read and I could write like that.

I am curious about the new show on Zelda Fitgerald.


2. Calling
My small group asked about what we thought was our calling these days. Both long term and short term.
And I paused.
Because I honestly
don't know.

I thought I had it all figured out when I was in college. And then somewhere in between the textbooks and the white coat, I've lost sight of everything.

-edit-

3. Wifi
Dang. I have so many thoughts that I want to write down.
Not having consistent wifi for more than half the week is seriously messing me up. I really do rely on blogs to reflect.

4. Those
Picnic
Floppy straw hats and a maxi skirt, warm weather with a hint of a breeze, a picnic basket, cut fruit, a small pond with white feathered geese, a box of Mexican desserts, a slow promenade, a discussion of books and love and words, good conversation, laughter.

Evening tea time.
Lavender green tea, jasmine tea, beautiful gold rimmed tea cups, a learning session of cutting fruit. demon kitties, a soft conversation, gentle questions, sharing life, music in the background.

If I can fill my life with these types of moments
my life would be so full.

Let me cling to these experiences, to these moments, to the times where good friends text me randomly, where tea is poured and experiences are shared, where I know there are people in my life that are God-sent, where I see blessing in every moment.

And You will renew me.
Tell me that is true.

Solitude

1. A Walk in Nature

A trail that crossed a creek and ran past cattle and on through next to a rock outcropping.

It was all Texas blue sky, where it almost hurts to just stare up and up at that brilliant, cloudless blue.

It was the tiny green buds on winter-brittle branches, the small grey birds perched on the treetops like ornaments.

It was the bubbling of the water, the burbling sounds of the creek, and the gentle ripples that were cool on my fingertips.

It was the make-shift wooden planks as a bridge, the water rushing over my shoes as I leave wet footprints.

It was the sun pouring gold over the world and reflecting off of the water, the sun beating on my skin and warming my skin, the breeze tickling my hair.

It was watching lines and lines of leaf cutters ants marching back and forth, carrying their enormous burden of leaves.

And the stillness of my soul in all of this, despite the sound of rippling water, the taste of hill country breeze crispness, the warmth of light and rays, the sight of my shadow falling onto the rocks from the four o'clock sun, and the beautiful beautiful sight of nature all around me. And it all makes me wonder is this beauty in solitude or just loneliness.

But sometimes, the world is still. And I am still.
And I
am.

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2. On Longing and Status Quo

Does everyone have a sort of longing in their hearts? Is anyone truly, fully fulfilled?

I find myself, sometimes, so envious of other people even though I know I have so much and that they also have difficulties and blah blah blah and that comparison is the thief of joy and yeah I know all of that. But I want.

Isn't the answer to that: go out and do what I want. Find it. Go after it. Don't just let myself waste away in the status quo. Don't settle. Don't settle. Don't listlessly just pause your life. GO.

I find myself so jaded these days.

This is a truth these days: I have an unsatisfied heart.

---

3. Joy
Count it all joy, he says.

Is happiness something that I must claw out from the mundanes of life myself? That I must search desperately for the objective beauty in the world? That I must remind myself daily of the lovely things that make me smile? Because if I do not, then it is just empty satisfaction and a weary soul.
I have never thought I wanted rose-colored lenses - but sometimes I wish that I had a disposition more suited for happiness. Is there such a thing?

Maybe I just write this in a time or moment where I feel too much. Perhaps I must give myself another few hours and let this pass.

But, my dear friend would probably tell me, happiness is not joy, is it.
If then
let me find a way to fill my cup.
That I might fill my soul until it brims and then overflows
that I might pour into others.

Count it all joy.
Count it all joy.

ARGHHHH

I think I have finally developed allergies (freaking gosh darn it all to hell). I've been sneezing and having a runny nose for a few days now and I am always tired and exhausted (not sure if that's allergies or just life lol).

But just ughhhhh..

And then UGHHH. I have never freaking drank so much in my life, which is ridiculous -____- because I don't even really want to drink. But then I don't have internet, so I'm going to bar - should i just order ginger ale or something?? i dunno. and then my roommate is super sweet, but always drinks a glass at night.. and i've been sorta joining her because i want to get along well. and i really don't mind having a glass too.

occasionally. but UGHHHH.

but IT'S TOO MUCH.

I'm starting to hit a breaking point of alcohol enjoyment. and if i'm not enjoying drinking my alcohol, why would i do it???????????

whatever.

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more thoughts that i think i'll try to unpack on saturday, when i'm back in SA.
Country Club
Working hard
Traveling
How I want to grow old.....
Vision.
Drinking???

Short post

Life has been weird.

I feel like I'm living in some sort of suspended time where nothing seems to be real or true. 

I don't think I can ever explain this feeling fully through words. Is that strange? It is. But I'm going to try anyway.

It's like I'm watching myself do all the things I need to do. I'm going through the motions. I am doing this and that. But it feels like none of this matters. 

I don't know if that's a side effect of just waiting to see where I will go next year or what. But none of my life feels real. Or that it matters. 

Why am I feeling like this? 

How do I be more present in my life? 

---

Ugh. Don't feel like thinking too hard right now. 

And my internet sucks right now so I'm currently at a bar, which is just ridiculous. But stupid small town coffee shops close at freaking FIVE pm. So whatever. 

---

Things to blog about later when I have the time:

- Fredricksburg 

- rural surgery

- small group

- the theory of friendship and why I disagree with the pastor of Austin Stone lol lol

- of keeping friendships close

- family and divergence of opinions and continued love

- desire

- worldly things

- hope

Marie Kondo

The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.

Reading this (skimming more like) because two separate friends have talked about it with me. And when 2+ people talk about a book... well, I gotta read it.

It's about cleaning and keeping things neat and getting rid of tons of crap that you don't need and only keeping things that "spark joy" in your life.

Some of it is applicable (in that I rearranged my sock drawer already), and I do want to declutter a lot of my things. But this slightly horrifies me:

"If you missed your chance to read a particular book, even if it was recommended to you or is one you have been intending to read for ages, this is your chance to let it go. You may have wanted to read it when you bought it, but if you haven’t read it by now, the book’s purpose was to teach you that you didn’t need it. There’s no need to finish reading books that you only got halfway through. Their purpose was to be read halfway. So get rid of all those unread books."

!!! gahhh!!! nooooo :(

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In other thoughts.... I kinda dislike blogger right now (interface and also their lack of support for an app). Mildly considering moving to wordpress.... -__-"

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I also have yet to do a 2016 reflections, sigh. So not ready to resume real life.