An exchange

Here is the proposal. Would you want to go?

A quick intake of breath. It depends. Can I hear a little more about it?

In what instances would you say yes, and when would you say no?

A pause. Well, that's a good question.
A consideration. I suppose the answer would most likely be a yes, but I would still like to know more information before I commit to anything.

That's fair, I suppose.

Thought

What is the difference between
I think
I feel
?

Productivity

You know what would be amazing? If it were possible to have enough mental capacity to:
- go for a run.... WHILE
- listening to my Spanish podcast/learning thing.... WHILE
- doing practice questions.

Why can't I do them all at the same time? That would be so freaking productive. Sometimes I can x2 of those at once. But usually both of them suffer from half attention.

midnight dreaming

it is all tenseness and that strange unfurling feeling that tingles and burns at the palms of your hands. it's measured breaths, each one eight seconds apart, as if to say look, see here, my body is still under my control.
except you cannot control the quick thumps of your heart.
but who would hear that unless their ear were pressed to your chest?

be worn
like a frayed shoe whose sole has worn away

be empty
like a jam jar, traces left on the sides, but never enough to make something from it

be quiet
like a midnight hour that never sleeps

it would have been better to just turn the lamp off, close the book, turn over and fall into gray dreams.
it would have been better to dream of a midnight that sleeps.

minor human condition contemplation

The idea that what you see as important is not valued by other people.

Everyone has different priorities. And when you make a point and say, look at this, shouldn't you care about it? And they look and listen and then shrug. Or even worse, comment and say, that? It's such a minor issue. Why are you so emotional about it?

It's the ultimate invalidation.

Oh, so you're offended by that?

And ooh doesn't that raise a person's hackles to hear all of that strong emotion and arguments and exceedingly vital points be boiled down to just a mere "offended"?! 

So looking at things logically and boiling things down to just the major points can be invalidating. How funny, that we care so much to not offend people these days. If it is true... then it is true.

Except it doesn't always work that way. There is always an emotional component. But can the other person realize that their priorities is not always a major factor in other people's lives. Would that be a personal offence? Or a very abstract, logical disagreement? 

How funny. That people can be such different creatures, despite some very consistent truths. 

Once upon a time, I thought that everyone just wanted to be known, to be loved. 

And I think that is still true. But now, I am thinking more about how someone wants to be known, how they would want to be loved.

---

I remember someone saying stuff about hypothetical situations and thinking, seriously? you would waste brain space on that?
I'm sure someone thinks these musings above are similarly useless. Ha, how fun.

Reminder. Dissemination.

This is probably the weirdest quirk of mine because nobody I know does this. Or maybe people do. And nobody talks about it.

I reminded myself who I am again today.
It's an exercise of understanding myself. Or naval-gazing, if you want to half-joke, half-insult. Sometimes I do it for other people just to see if I could condense what I know of someone into a few paragraphs.

I don't want who I am to bleed out into the corners of the world, like watercolors bleed into its surroundings.

I've heard it done in a simplified version like this:
Write down "I am _____" x10 on a paper. Now fill it in.
You will realize that the first few, you give generic answers.
I am a daughter.
I am a student.
I am religious.
I am a lawyer.
I am whatever.

But when you run out of those social identities. You start putting in what you think of yourself.

I am an introvert.
I am good at reading quickly.
I am sometimes a mean person because I thought I was being clever.

Whatever.

Regardless. These days. I have been forgetting who I am as a side effect of trying to be adaptable. So today I reminded myself of the things that I cannot compromise. Of the things that would break me. Of the things I want to change and the things I hope.

In the end. I know who I am.
And what can anyone say that I do not already know of myself?

A first

I got legit yelled at by a patient today. And of course it was on my nursing shift. Holy, nurses have it so much rougher. they don't get enough respect from the patient.

-edit-

So yeah. Weirdest nursing shift ever. First time yelled at by a patient and first time where an old lady tells me she wants me to marry her nephew.

Yeah.

Nursing is tough. Mucho respect.

holy moly new obsession

holy freaking moly goodness
i am obsessed with Peter Gergely right now
he's freaking insaaaane

Movie

I have watched THE WORST movie in the world. It is so bad, it gave me headaches. 

Ugh we literally walked out halfway through the movie. Never have I ever seen a movie so bad.