How small we all are.
Flying however many thousand feet in the air, body safe within a metal contraption, I stare out over the sea of white clouds. Glimpse the acres of land below. Forested areas, desert areas, civilization with a thousand tiny little houses - as small as a play piece in Monopoly. Fly through the trailing vapors of a helpless cloud. Dream of world where you are so, so small.
A thousand tiny houses. Each one with people - with hopes and dreams and struggles and daily fears and tears and joys and happiness.
What does that dictionary of obscure sorrows call it?
Ah, yes.
sonder
n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.
To their eyes, I am just a passing wink flying overhead.
How small we all are.
Monday, August 29, 2016
Saturday, August 27, 2016
equilibrium
I've been thinking on equilibrium recently.
This idea that there is a sort of equilibrium between the you that you show to the world, and the you on the inside who only you know -or a precious few as well-.
There must be a porous membrane between the two, where some of the inside you bleeds through and people see the marks of your heart on the outside you. They call it "wearing your heart on your sleeve". All of your emotions, all of your thoughts, all the fears and doubts and happiness and strange quirks and weird idiosyncrasies that are unique to you, just you, only you.
I am always surprised at the people that have a paper thin barrier, one that might not even exist. The people that willingly talk about their current struggles, reveal slightly embarrassing pasts, are unabashedly forthcoming of their odd habits.
I am not that brave. I am not willing to be that vulnerable.
In theory, I guess.
This idea that there is a sort of equilibrium between the you that you show to the world, and the you on the inside who only you know -or a precious few as well-.
There must be a porous membrane between the two, where some of the inside you bleeds through and people see the marks of your heart on the outside you. They call it "wearing your heart on your sleeve". All of your emotions, all of your thoughts, all the fears and doubts and happiness and strange quirks and weird idiosyncrasies that are unique to you, just you, only you.
I am always surprised at the people that have a paper thin barrier, one that might not even exist. The people that willingly talk about their current struggles, reveal slightly embarrassing pasts, are unabashedly forthcoming of their odd habits.
I am not that brave. I am not willing to be that vulnerable.
In theory, I guess.
Thursday, August 25, 2016
Fear
The most dangerous thing about loneliness is that you start talking to yourself in the silence. As if your own voice could fill the air and become the chatter from friends, the encouragement from family, the sound of being. But instead, you just hear your own voice and the loneliness in it.
It is like a hug that you give to yourself. It doesn't quite work.
----
All right," said Susan. "I'm not stupid. You're saying humans need... fantasies to make life bearable."
REALLY? AS IF IT WAS SOME KIND OF PINK PILL? NO. HUMANS NEED FANTASY TO BE HUMAN. TO BE THE PLACE WHERE THE FALLING ANGEL MEETS THE RISING APE.
"Tooth fairies? Hogfathers? Little—"
YES. AS PRACTICE. YOU HAVE TO START OUT LEARNING TO BELIEVE THE LITTLE LIES.
"So we can believe the big ones?"
YES. JUSTICE. MERCY. DUTY. THAT SORT OF THING.
"They're not the same at all!"
YOU THINK SO? THEN TAKE THE UNIVERSE AND GRIND IT DOWN TO THE FINEST POWDER AND SIEVE IT THROUGH THE FINEST SIEVE AND THEN SHOW ME ONE ATOM OF JUSTICE, ONE MOLECULE OF MERCY. AND YET—Death waved a hand. AND YET YOU ACT AS IF THERE IS SOME IDEAL ORDER IN THE WORLD, AS IF THERE IS SOME...SOME RIGHTNESS IN THE UNIVERSE BY WHICH IT MAY BE JUDGED.
"Yes, but people have got to believe that, or what's the point—"
MY POINT EXACTLY.
--- Terry Pratchett
Oh Sir Terry Pratchett, you atheist. I can understand where this is coming from, I really do.
The thoughts of
God has a plan
Trust that he has something greater in store for you
There is a purpose to all of this
You have meaning
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
-- Jer 29:11
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
-- Rom 8:28
"...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
-- Isa 40:31
Sometimes they feel so very trite, like platitudes. An encourage-o-gram that an acquaintance might press into your hand. Like graceless, meaningless condolences. A social courtesy.
But it all comes down to faith.
Atheists say it is a delusion.
Justice. Mercy. Rightness in the universe by which it may be judged.
Love, goodness, faith.
None of it is tangible. I cannot hold it in my hands. And there are days that I wonder if it is all a large lie that I am telling to myself. The quiet voice in the night. My own voice that tries to fill the silence.
If all of this is a chasing of the wind. If there is nothing to hold onto. If there is no solid ground beneath my feet, then where can I walk next?
--- Terry Pratchett
Oh Sir Terry Pratchett, you atheist. I can understand where this is coming from, I really do.
The thoughts of
God has a plan
Trust that he has something greater in store for you
There is a purpose to all of this
You have meaning
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
-- Jer 29:11
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
-- Rom 8:28
"...but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
-- Isa 40:31
Sometimes they feel so very trite, like platitudes. An encourage-o-gram that an acquaintance might press into your hand. Like graceless, meaningless condolences. A social courtesy.
But it all comes down to faith.
Atheists say it is a delusion.
Justice. Mercy. Rightness in the universe by which it may be judged.
Love, goodness, faith.
None of it is tangible. I cannot hold it in my hands. And there are days that I wonder if it is all a large lie that I am telling to myself. The quiet voice in the night. My own voice that tries to fill the silence.
If all of this is a chasing of the wind. If there is nothing to hold onto. If there is no solid ground beneath my feet, then where can I walk next?
Monday, August 22, 2016
Quick Thoughts
Quick Life Thoughts (i.e. in which i muse upon several small topics and proceed to have no greater insights than to just document a messy life)
1. Small Group
- glad this is restarting. we'll see how successful it is... i am a little doubtful due to uhh.... personalities..... but still hopeful.
- this stuff -the sharing- is one of the main the reason why I think {religion}{God}{Christianity} is worth it. It is not the right reason for many reasons. And I know that. But right now, it is one of the main ones that is keeping me here. Community.
2. Online Dating/Dating Apps as a girl
- Uh yeah. It is actually weirdly easy to be a girl on a dating app. The limiting factor is me.... And how picky I want to be, I guess.
3. Future anxieties
- They are almost overwhelming. But what can I do but grit my teeth and carry forward? This too shall pass.... hopefully.
- Talking in small group - where everyone was voicing almost the same worries... it's so ridiculous that we all feel such similar emotions, and yet feel so alone in them at the same time.
4. Guitar
- It's coming along. I think I have a lot of trouble with songs I don't know by heart. And off-beat rhythm. I want to try to figure out a way to get better at improv, certain chords, transitioning, and learning songs without just chord strumming. It's really, really fun though. I don't know why this stuff is so fun as an adult, compared to as a kid when I had violin lessons. I almost wish I had the time (and money) for guitar lessons. I seriously regret/squandered all my kid lessons growing up. I could have done so much more for them.
5. Counting blessings
- Every day. Every day.
6. OR
- I like the OR. I do. We'll see how much I like it in the future though :/
1. Small Group
- glad this is restarting. we'll see how successful it is... i am a little doubtful due to uhh.... personalities..... but still hopeful.
- this stuff -the sharing- is one of the main the reason why I think {religion}{God}{Christianity} is worth it. It is not the right reason for many reasons. And I know that. But right now, it is one of the main ones that is keeping me here. Community.
2. Online Dating/Dating Apps as a girl
- Uh yeah. It is actually weirdly easy to be a girl on a dating app. The limiting factor is me.... And how picky I want to be, I guess.
3. Future anxieties
- They are almost overwhelming. But what can I do but grit my teeth and carry forward? This too shall pass.... hopefully.
- Talking in small group - where everyone was voicing almost the same worries... it's so ridiculous that we all feel such similar emotions, and yet feel so alone in them at the same time.
4. Guitar
- It's coming along. I think I have a lot of trouble with songs I don't know by heart. And off-beat rhythm. I want to try to figure out a way to get better at improv, certain chords, transitioning, and learning songs without just chord strumming. It's really, really fun though. I don't know why this stuff is so fun as an adult, compared to as a kid when I had violin lessons. I almost wish I had the time (and money) for guitar lessons. I seriously regret/squandered all my kid lessons growing up. I could have done so much more for them.
5. Counting blessings
- Every day. Every day.
6. OR
- I like the OR. I do. We'll see how much I like it in the future though :/
Thursday, August 18, 2016
Small Talk
Small Talk and Business.
An ENT doc came and talked with my attending at lunch. A thirty minute spiel on her qualifications, availability, and kinda why he should send her patients pre-op in specific situations, etc etc.
It was selling herself as a business. It was a commercial. It was a business connection. It was a way to get her face out there and to say hey I'm a new doc in town, use me as a resource.
I would hate doing it.
Gah. I hate it. I don't want to be an adult.
There are specific things that make someone more successful at business. You do not necessarily have to do such things, but they definitely improve business connections, increase face time, make better introductions.
Availability.
Affability.
Ability.
In that order.
Good grief. May I never have to seriously deal with business.
I could do it. I mean, I know can do it. The art of selling yourself.
If there is a purpose behind meetings and hand shaking and smiling, sure I can do it. Talk to charm a person. Talk to impress. Talk for a specific reason. Talk and laugh and smile with your eyes so it looks like you are genuine, remember about the other person's family and children so it makes you seem friendlier.
Doesn't mean I like doing it. I hate the game of trying to pretend you both are friends.
My attending called me a little quiet.
I told him my quietness was because I did not see the point in saying anything except what was necessary. Not because I was shy.
He said, yes, I can see that.
Referrals and relationships between doctors... it's such a... mildly shady business. Kinda like drug reps. It's mildly shady, with potential for real corruption if someone truly does not have solid morals. And even for someone who does.... choosing the non-ethical path is sometimes extremely tempting (whether for money, for less hassle, for a variety of reasons).
Medicine is not medicine. It's a business in America.
An ENT doc came and talked with my attending at lunch. A thirty minute spiel on her qualifications, availability, and kinda why he should send her patients pre-op in specific situations, etc etc.
It was selling herself as a business. It was a commercial. It was a business connection. It was a way to get her face out there and to say hey I'm a new doc in town, use me as a resource.
I would hate doing it.
Gah. I hate it. I don't want to be an adult.
There are specific things that make someone more successful at business. You do not necessarily have to do such things, but they definitely improve business connections, increase face time, make better introductions.
Availability.
Affability.
Ability.
In that order.
Good grief. May I never have to seriously deal with business.
I could do it. I mean, I know can do it. The art of selling yourself.
If there is a purpose behind meetings and hand shaking and smiling, sure I can do it. Talk to charm a person. Talk to impress. Talk for a specific reason. Talk and laugh and smile with your eyes so it looks like you are genuine, remember about the other person's family and children so it makes you seem friendlier.
Doesn't mean I like doing it. I hate the game of trying to pretend you both are friends.
My attending called me a little quiet.
I told him my quietness was because I did not see the point in saying anything except what was necessary. Not because I was shy.
He said, yes, I can see that.
Referrals and relationships between doctors... it's such a... mildly shady business. Kinda like drug reps. It's mildly shady, with potential for real corruption if someone truly does not have solid morals. And even for someone who does.... choosing the non-ethical path is sometimes extremely tempting (whether for money, for less hassle, for a variety of reasons).
Medicine is not medicine. It's a business in America.
Sunday, August 14, 2016
Thoughts
1. Weight
- My new attending says he expects me to gain 4-5 lbs in my four weeks with him due to free food. I am... skeptical. I mean, I love free food. But I've realized that I am a stress-weight-loser. I think I lost 10 lbs since med school started :/ (this is not a thing to brag about. it's actually pretty bad. i shouldn't be losing this weight.) I need to gain about 5-10 lbs back. Especially muscle strength. It's kinda unhealthy and I don't know why I am not hungry when I'm stressed. Ugh. What's going to happen in residency if I'm more stressed? I don't have another 5-10 lbs to lose...
2. Holding on
- There are so many blessings I need to always count. I need to hold onto truth, onto grace, onto love. These things shall pass.
...right?
3. Size
- Problems always look so big when you are in the middle of them. But with a perspective change, you can see them for how small they really are in the grand scheme of things.
4. Face your fears.
- Confront them. I am afraid of so many things. I really am.
I am afraid of being too stupid for residency.
I am afraid of not matching.
I am afraid of not being good enough.
I am afraid of not being a good doctor and hurting patients.
I am afraid that I am setting myself up for failure.
I am afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of choosing the wrong specialty.
I am afraid for my faith.
I am afraid of losing myself.
I am afraid I will dislike my future career.
I am afraid of being an adult.
I am afraid to look.
I am scared of too many things.
Does everyone have these fears?
Logically I know the answer is yes. But then why does it feel like I am alone in these thoughts?
To see people move forward with such confidence... I am really envious.
Can I remember what it means to put faith in God?
- My new attending says he expects me to gain 4-5 lbs in my four weeks with him due to free food. I am... skeptical. I mean, I love free food. But I've realized that I am a stress-weight-loser. I think I lost 10 lbs since med school started :/ (this is not a thing to brag about. it's actually pretty bad. i shouldn't be losing this weight.) I need to gain about 5-10 lbs back. Especially muscle strength. It's kinda unhealthy and I don't know why I am not hungry when I'm stressed. Ugh. What's going to happen in residency if I'm more stressed? I don't have another 5-10 lbs to lose...
2. Holding on
- There are so many blessings I need to always count. I need to hold onto truth, onto grace, onto love. These things shall pass.
...right?
3. Size
- Problems always look so big when you are in the middle of them. But with a perspective change, you can see them for how small they really are in the grand scheme of things.
4. Face your fears.
- Confront them. I am afraid of so many things. I really am.
I am afraid of being too stupid for residency.
I am afraid of not matching.
I am afraid of not being good enough.
I am afraid of not being a good doctor and hurting patients.
I am afraid that I am setting myself up for failure.
I am afraid of being alone.
I am afraid of choosing the wrong specialty.
I am afraid for my faith.
I am afraid of losing myself.
I am afraid I will dislike my future career.
I am afraid of being an adult.
I am afraid to look.
I am scared of too many things.
Does everyone have these fears?
Logically I know the answer is yes. But then why does it feel like I am alone in these thoughts?
To see people move forward with such confidence... I am really envious.
Can I remember what it means to put faith in God?
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Convince
On bad days I just try to convince myself that
lighting a candle
wrapping myself a soft blanket
making myself a cup of hot tea
will make me feel like i am not going to die.
lighting a candle
wrapping myself a soft blanket
making myself a cup of hot tea
will make me feel like i am not going to die.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Lucky
Gahhhh I am so lucky.
Or blessed.
Gahhh I can't really believe it.
I really, really treasure my friendships.
All of my friends have given me far more than I have ever thought possible.
I feel like I have received far more than I have ever given.
I am stressed and tired and burned out and halfway on the verge of tears anytime I think of the future. But gah, my friends are amazing.
counting my blessings.
Or blessed.
Gahhh I can't really believe it.
I really, really treasure my friendships.
All of my friends have given me far more than I have ever thought possible.
I feel like I have received far more than I have ever given.
I am stressed and tired and burned out and halfway on the verge of tears anytime I think of the future. But gah, my friends are amazing.
counting my blessings.
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