Sitting in a call room, kinda just waiting. Overnight in the hospital is a strange thing. Where nurses are still up, patients are still sick, but trying to sleep. I’m just waiting. Waiting for a patient to be transferred out the ED, waiting for a possible code blue, waiting for an admission. Waiting for my birthday too, I guess. Time passes by too fast. A year has already gone by. New faces in the hospital, people that I have spent so much time with and greatly enjoyed their company... now gone. It’s another year and I’m three parts tired and one part anxious.
I’ve been so busy with hospital and step and bf that I feel like I’ve missed talking to people. I miss my old small group. I miss genuine deep conversations about the meaning of actions and other strange considerations and pseudo analysis of people. Or maybe I miss God. It’s hard to tell these days. Or maybe now is the time where I have realized that I am no longer drowning and just trying to survive and am looking around for something more. I’ve not been completely antisocial. But dinner parties and fun events are in no way a replacement for those conversations of knowing one another. If anything, only a bandaid.
What is that quote... do not let what is urgent keep you from what is important.
And I definitely have. Because so many things are more urgent than spending time to meditate and think on the trajectory of my life. Work and studying and tests and attempting to find happiness and investing time in people. But none of those things are as important.
It’s funny how often I pray for clarity, when I pray these days, because I just want to know. To know what happens, to know what’s right, or what to do, to be able to plan for things. But that never really happens, does it. I am envious of the ones who know their path so clearly. Or have greater determination than I to forge their desires into reality. But for that to happen, you know to know yourself and your desires intimately.
I’ve realized, in the past few months, just how many more flaws I have.
Indecision, fear, anxiety about everything, worry about the future, poor communication skills, a laziness that I battle every day, a tendency towards the familiar and easy.
I think for so many months, I’ve foregone all self growth for increasing medical knowledge and just superficial enjoyment of life.
Well. Saying my enjoyment of life is “superficial” may be too demeaning. More like worldly enjoyments of life? But even that is a little condescending.
Regardless, as my next year approaches, I hope there will be growth.
I pray for the Spirit to fill my life. And yours.
