sittinn at the gate right now, ready to go back to Plano. Going to Dallas will always be “going back home”. But when I leave Dallas to come back to my usual humdrum life of intern year, that is also going back home.
I am so ready to have a break and just not think too much.
I have not even really realized it’s christmas time. I was more focused on having a break. Days blur together and the mess in the apartment accumulates.
Rest for the body. Rest for the mind. Rest for soul.
Thursday, December 20, 2018
Saturday, December 15, 2018
chance to breathe
i have been doing a poor job with writing as consistently as i wanted to, but overall it is still better than if i hadn't done this challenge. so i will still consider it a mild success at this time.
some things that happened of note this week,
- i am cat sitting for a friend. and i have overall decided that despite that it is quite nice to have something living moving around in my house at night (not cockroaches or insects), i'd probably still choose to not have a pet. maybe it would be different if she were a cuddly kind of kitty, but she's really quite aloof. or maybe it'd be different if she's a dog. hard to say at this point.
- tried to do a central line the other day, did not go as planned - had to call surgery in to help. it's a little annoying and frustrating to feel like you have to ask for help - but overall, patient safety is more important.
- i had a very nice weekend with doing nails and facemasks and felt extremely pampered. it feels quite nice. my face feels extraordinarily plump haha.
- i think the strangest thing of this year is realizing that medicine is not as straightforward as it seems. there are some people that you know are slackers and others that really care for their patients. it's not so much the slackers that i'm talking about as the group that actually put in full forth effort. in this group, there is still differences in what each person deems as "putting in full forth". for some, it's talking for hours to the patients to get a proper history - others, it's delving into the depths of uptodate to read up on treatment options - others still, it's looking at their full medication list. with such limited time, the question always remains of how can we best utilize it to give the best care? nobody wants to miss anything. but you also don't want to stay till midnight every day. it's a tricky line.
- i told steph that i felt myself changing - and i didn't know how.... and i still don't. and i wonder if some of that not knowing is because i don't have as many deep talks with friends anymore
- i was having a discussion with a friend today about knowing someone. and i feel like it boils down to two things: one - the knowing that comes from conversation, of deep talks and knowing how someone thinks and their history and their thoughts about life and politics and love and dreams and aspirations. and the second - a knowing that comes from being around someone physically, their mannerisms and the way they respond to things, the timing and cadence of their words, how quietly they walk or how loudly they sneeze.
i'd argue that the first is more important. probably because i have more friendships based on that alone. what with everyone so spread out these days. but the second... i am learning more with my co residents. that i spend so much time with them, i sometimes feel like i do know them. even without knowing their deep conversation thoughts. and that, too, is interesting.
some things that happened of note this week,
- i am cat sitting for a friend. and i have overall decided that despite that it is quite nice to have something living moving around in my house at night (not cockroaches or insects), i'd probably still choose to not have a pet. maybe it would be different if she were a cuddly kind of kitty, but she's really quite aloof. or maybe it'd be different if she's a dog. hard to say at this point.
- tried to do a central line the other day, did not go as planned - had to call surgery in to help. it's a little annoying and frustrating to feel like you have to ask for help - but overall, patient safety is more important.
- i had a very nice weekend with doing nails and facemasks and felt extremely pampered. it feels quite nice. my face feels extraordinarily plump haha.
- i think the strangest thing of this year is realizing that medicine is not as straightforward as it seems. there are some people that you know are slackers and others that really care for their patients. it's not so much the slackers that i'm talking about as the group that actually put in full forth effort. in this group, there is still differences in what each person deems as "putting in full forth". for some, it's talking for hours to the patients to get a proper history - others, it's delving into the depths of uptodate to read up on treatment options - others still, it's looking at their full medication list. with such limited time, the question always remains of how can we best utilize it to give the best care? nobody wants to miss anything. but you also don't want to stay till midnight every day. it's a tricky line.
- i told steph that i felt myself changing - and i didn't know how.... and i still don't. and i wonder if some of that not knowing is because i don't have as many deep talks with friends anymore
- i was having a discussion with a friend today about knowing someone. and i feel like it boils down to two things: one - the knowing that comes from conversation, of deep talks and knowing how someone thinks and their history and their thoughts about life and politics and love and dreams and aspirations. and the second - a knowing that comes from being around someone physically, their mannerisms and the way they respond to things, the timing and cadence of their words, how quietly they walk or how loudly they sneeze.
i'd argue that the first is more important. probably because i have more friendships based on that alone. what with everyone so spread out these days. but the second... i am learning more with my co residents. that i spend so much time with them, i sometimes feel like i do know them. even without knowing their deep conversation thoughts. and that, too, is interesting.
Tuesday, December 11, 2018
kindness
i am thankful
for warmth in the apartment.
for friends that text me.
for a family that loves me.
for a job that can help people.
for body that functions.
i am afraid
of not knowing enough
of making decisions that might hurt someone
of my future
of who i feel like i am becoming
i think humans are semi-permeable, and sometimes we passively let in things in our surroundings into our bodies and souls more so than expected. i expected myself to be impenetrable, but i think the world is leaking into me.
what i want is to be
smarter
prettier
more extroverted and charismatic
adventurous
kinder
better
instead i can't really do much but be tired every day after work. i need to do more probably.
i'm too tired to write well. these thoughts will be continued later maybe.
for warmth in the apartment.
for friends that text me.
for a family that loves me.
for a job that can help people.
for body that functions.
i am afraid
of not knowing enough
of making decisions that might hurt someone
of my future
of who i feel like i am becoming
i think humans are semi-permeable, and sometimes we passively let in things in our surroundings into our bodies and souls more so than expected. i expected myself to be impenetrable, but i think the world is leaking into me.
what i want is to be
smarter
prettier
more extroverted and charismatic
adventurous
kinder
better
instead i can't really do much but be tired every day after work. i need to do more probably.
i'm too tired to write well. these thoughts will be continued later maybe.
Sunday, December 9, 2018
fill your cup
it's been a long week - more so of my own making, but that's generally how things go. I didn't really want to write this blog post because I feel like nothing of note has happened lately. And maybe that should concern me.
It is definitely in my nature to think too much. But I remember back in college when I had more time that I'd be meditating on the nature of God, love, truth, the importance of being not of this world, friendship, what it means to have hope, how to show grace, thinking and thinking about how to be a person closer to the image of Christ. A better person.
These days I'm just too tired to think at all. Or is that an excuse?
Even today - my only day off in this week, bracketed by call days on Saturday and Monday - I don't want to do anything but eat and sleep and indulge in hobbies. And even those hobbies are mindless. I wanted to bake cookies in Christmas shapes, maybe get a Christmas tree and decorate, go to another park, try out something new in the city, go dancing, go volunteer, study up on medicine that i don't know, write up that stupid case report, who knows. Instead I stayed on my couch and drank tea and read easy books.
Time passes by too fast these days.
They say for languages - if you don't use it, you lose it.
Isn't that the same for being Christ-like?
How can I better demonstrate a love for people?
How selfish can I be?
It is definitely in my nature to think too much. But I remember back in college when I had more time that I'd be meditating on the nature of God, love, truth, the importance of being not of this world, friendship, what it means to have hope, how to show grace, thinking and thinking about how to be a person closer to the image of Christ. A better person.
These days I'm just too tired to think at all. Or is that an excuse?
Even today - my only day off in this week, bracketed by call days on Saturday and Monday - I don't want to do anything but eat and sleep and indulge in hobbies. And even those hobbies are mindless. I wanted to bake cookies in Christmas shapes, maybe get a Christmas tree and decorate, go to another park, try out something new in the city, go dancing, go volunteer, study up on medicine that i don't know, write up that stupid case report, who knows. Instead I stayed on my couch and drank tea and read easy books.
Time passes by too fast these days.
They say for languages - if you don't use it, you lose it.
Isn't that the same for being Christ-like?
How can I better demonstrate a love for people?
How selfish can I be?
Tuesday, December 4, 2018
Work
Super short post because I am post call and got home at nine and I really want to sleep soon.
Well. My upper level is a black cloud. But I think I’m a white cloud.
I’ve been thinking that the reward for good work is more work. If you are efficient and reliable and nice and go beyond what people expect. Well then, people give you more work to do. Or you find out more problems that you normally wouldn’t have even had to hear about. And that’s just so frustrating sometimes because honestly the easiest thing to do would be just to care less and do less.
Case in point. I make it a habit to pm round on my patients. Just to check up on them and see how things are going, talk a little and get to know them, updates, plans, whatever. But really, I feel like all I get back are mainly complaints. Today I spent over 30 minutes talking with family who started complaining about the medical system and how redudant we are. Dude. I didn’t have to come and talk to you. Some residents wouldn’t have. They’d already be gone. I feel like I’m just making more work for myself by trying to be thorough. If I just let it be, I’d only have to deal with this stuff when someone forces me to go down and do it. But. That’s not the right thing to do. But it just sucks so much. It’s like customer service where they literally exist for customers to yell at them to vent anger at the overall company. It’s thankless. And I thought I signed up for the medicine. Not the customer service part. But there’s still the overwhelming part of me that thinks That if I were the patient, I’d want to see the people taking care of me more than once a day. More than 5 minutes. Sigh.
I am a little tired of people.
Well. My upper level is a black cloud. But I think I’m a white cloud.
I’ve been thinking that the reward for good work is more work. If you are efficient and reliable and nice and go beyond what people expect. Well then, people give you more work to do. Or you find out more problems that you normally wouldn’t have even had to hear about. And that’s just so frustrating sometimes because honestly the easiest thing to do would be just to care less and do less.
Case in point. I make it a habit to pm round on my patients. Just to check up on them and see how things are going, talk a little and get to know them, updates, plans, whatever. But really, I feel like all I get back are mainly complaints. Today I spent over 30 minutes talking with family who started complaining about the medical system and how redudant we are. Dude. I didn’t have to come and talk to you. Some residents wouldn’t have. They’d already be gone. I feel like I’m just making more work for myself by trying to be thorough. If I just let it be, I’d only have to deal with this stuff when someone forces me to go down and do it. But. That’s not the right thing to do. But it just sucks so much. It’s like customer service where they literally exist for customers to yell at them to vent anger at the overall company. It’s thankless. And I thought I signed up for the medicine. Not the customer service part. But there’s still the overwhelming part of me that thinks That if I were the patient, I’d want to see the people taking care of me more than once a day. More than 5 minutes. Sigh.
I am a little tired of people.
Saturday, December 1, 2018
Restarting
Blogging challenge to remind myself to write a little more. Which is actually strange because I think that I have put writing on the back burner in the past few months; and (subsequently?) have also found myself feeling as if I had unresolved thoughts that have just never been settled and filed properly.
I think I've not been writing as often because I feel as if there's not much to say here. It's just mundane days of residency and trying to survive and live life and think about the future. I foresee this blogging challenge resulting in blogs of very random topics.
----
I think my mentality of relationships is becoming skewed and twisted from going on so many dating app dates. i started going mostly because it was a direct, actionable response for whenever i think, it would be nice to have a significant other. especially in the south, where more than half my co-interns are seriously dating, engaged, married, or married with kids. and i really don't like not trying to fix my problems - because if you don't actively try to do something, then i really don't believe you have any right to complain about it. because obviously you aren't bothered by it enough to change your actions/life. so i go on stranger dates.
and they're all... strangers. it's easy because talking to a stranger is just asking questions. but really what i'm trying to say is that - i think i discard people too easily now. maybe there is something wrong with my brain. unless they are my friend (established and defined), i just feel like i really don't owe them anything. which is fairly callous.
maybe something is wrong with me emotionally. that i can leave people too easily.
I think I've not been writing as often because I feel as if there's not much to say here. It's just mundane days of residency and trying to survive and live life and think about the future. I foresee this blogging challenge resulting in blogs of very random topics.
----
I think my mentality of relationships is becoming skewed and twisted from going on so many dating app dates. i started going mostly because it was a direct, actionable response for whenever i think, it would be nice to have a significant other. especially in the south, where more than half my co-interns are seriously dating, engaged, married, or married with kids. and i really don't like not trying to fix my problems - because if you don't actively try to do something, then i really don't believe you have any right to complain about it. because obviously you aren't bothered by it enough to change your actions/life. so i go on stranger dates.
and they're all... strangers. it's easy because talking to a stranger is just asking questions. but really what i'm trying to say is that - i think i discard people too easily now. maybe there is something wrong with my brain. unless they are my friend (established and defined), i just feel like i really don't owe them anything. which is fairly callous.
maybe something is wrong with me emotionally. that i can leave people too easily.
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