These days I am believing more in the idea of nature rather than nurture. Genetics rather than environment. And it's a bit of a pessimistic thought, one that has the small niggling idea that you can't change yourself no matter how you try.
Because if it is due to environment, surely it means that your personality, your life, your mentality towards work, etc is more malleable. Things can shape you. You can grab the environment and change it. You can.... change yourself.
It's the idea of being in control of your own destiny.
Or being in control of yourself.
I'm not talking about self-control. I'm not talking about having the willpower to sit down and get things done or not eat that last bite of ice cream.
Or maybe I am, a little bit. I haven't decided yet.
But I'm just wondering why it's so difficult to change. Why is it so difficult to do this or that. Even intelligence. There is only so much one can study or work hard to compare to others. Or maybe one's gravitation towards certain tasks, or polarization away from them. And intrinsic like or dislike of another person. To go out and be social or stay inside and ignore the world.
There is room for God to change people.
But is it possible to change yourself? The intrinsic part, the visceral part that refuses. Or responds without prompting. Or is that just human nature and part of everyone?
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
Random Bits
Random bits of reflection and commentary from inner-karen thoughts.
1. Doctors and healthcare workers and whatever can do a lot of good, but oh my gosh, the sheer amount of money that businessmen/women can utilize for good is crazy. Got to talk to the CEO of Valero who started up a center for the homeless in SA. It cost 100 million dollars. 100 million. My mind boggles. To get that kind of money, he talks to politicians, lobbies for it, hosts golf tournaments for his partners to fundraise, etc. My mind still boggles. On two levels. First, that I am slowly understanding that this is the world I am stepping into. Y'know, the adult real world where connections matter and you have to use all of your connections to get somewhere and do something. Second, that it is the initiative of people with money to do massive amounts of good. Oh, not hating on little good too, but it would be almost impossible for Dr U to have started up the SRFC without someone like Bill Greehy. And he's Christian. Hearing him talk about faith as his motivation for giving back to the community and for investing millions into helping people is just wow.
2. Made a yogurt honey bread spontaneously. Needed to get rid of yogurt and didn't feel like waiting to make it. I thought it took barely 20 minutes but I forgot to change the microwave clock for daylight savings. So.... it was longer. boo. The batter tasted okay but I modified the recipe a bit.... so hopefully it's okay....
*edit: it's out of the oven. Hmmm.... this is one confused bread. It's a bread, but I think it has a secret desire to be a cake.... the insides are fluffy and nice and the outsides nice and brown and crunchy. But.... it's just on this side of too sweet for bread.
3. The stupid stuff is important too. This. This so much. I am such a snob sometimes, turning my nose up at bits of information or scoffing at things I think are obvious or unhelpful. But -consider me humbled- that is so untrue. Doing clinical skills and talking about obvious things like empathy and going through a list actually helps in a real setting. It gives you a foundation to start on, so you don't lose focus and start questioning yourself if you've missed anything or whatever. It's practice makes perfect. Practicing on SP actually matter a lot. Learning the stupid stuff like the difference between an acinus and the lobule.... is also important. No matter how much I gripe about it.
4. In the end.... I still love Ecclesiastes the most because it reflects the emptiness and loneliness of life without a true center. All of it can be meaningless.
5. Everybody has their skeletons, everyone has secret to bury. But sometimes we bring them up to light to those we trust.
1. Doctors and healthcare workers and whatever can do a lot of good, but oh my gosh, the sheer amount of money that businessmen/women can utilize for good is crazy. Got to talk to the CEO of Valero who started up a center for the homeless in SA. It cost 100 million dollars. 100 million. My mind boggles. To get that kind of money, he talks to politicians, lobbies for it, hosts golf tournaments for his partners to fundraise, etc. My mind still boggles. On two levels. First, that I am slowly understanding that this is the world I am stepping into. Y'know, the adult real world where connections matter and you have to use all of your connections to get somewhere and do something. Second, that it is the initiative of people with money to do massive amounts of good. Oh, not hating on little good too, but it would be almost impossible for Dr U to have started up the SRFC without someone like Bill Greehy. And he's Christian. Hearing him talk about faith as his motivation for giving back to the community and for investing millions into helping people is just wow.
2. Made a yogurt honey bread spontaneously. Needed to get rid of yogurt and didn't feel like waiting to make it. I thought it took barely 20 minutes but I forgot to change the microwave clock for daylight savings. So.... it was longer. boo. The batter tasted okay but I modified the recipe a bit.... so hopefully it's okay....
*edit: it's out of the oven. Hmmm.... this is one confused bread. It's a bread, but I think it has a secret desire to be a cake.... the insides are fluffy and nice and the outsides nice and brown and crunchy. But.... it's just on this side of too sweet for bread.
3. The stupid stuff is important too. This. This so much. I am such a snob sometimes, turning my nose up at bits of information or scoffing at things I think are obvious or unhelpful. But -consider me humbled- that is so untrue. Doing clinical skills and talking about obvious things like empathy and going through a list actually helps in a real setting. It gives you a foundation to start on, so you don't lose focus and start questioning yourself if you've missed anything or whatever. It's practice makes perfect. Practicing on SP actually matter a lot. Learning the stupid stuff like the difference between an acinus and the lobule.... is also important. No matter how much I gripe about it.
4. In the end.... I still love Ecclesiastes the most because it reflects the emptiness and loneliness of life without a true center. All of it can be meaningless.
5. Everybody has their skeletons, everyone has secret to bury. But sometimes we bring them up to light to those we trust.
Monday, March 17, 2014
chains
[In the cold winter, north of the mirrored lake, a female crane fell
victim to a hunter's snare. The male crane's anguished cries seemed
endless as he circled above her for many days, eventually dying from the
pain in his heart.
People of the time were surprised, and exclaimed," Life, death, meetings, partings; one shares and indulges in every moment with others. Should one be regretful? No, thankful!"
Legends says that cranes cried relentless until they bleed, their beaks dyed red.]
---
Willingly chained to someone.
It's a matter of words.
Is it making the place inside someone's heart your home
or is it an iron tether that traps you next to them.
Those who go where the wind blows
and have no place to call home except the ground beneath their heads
Those who wander as they will
but cannot ever return, because what do they return to?
Those who are most free, those who have nothing holding them down
float endlessly.
People of the time were surprised, and exclaimed," Life, death, meetings, partings; one shares and indulges in every moment with others. Should one be regretful? No, thankful!"
Legends says that cranes cried relentless until they bleed, their beaks dyed red.]
---
Willingly chained to someone.
It's a matter of words.
Is it making the place inside someone's heart your home
or is it an iron tether that traps you next to them.
Those who go where the wind blows
and have no place to call home except the ground beneath their heads
Those who wander as they will
but cannot ever return, because what do they return to?
Those who are most free, those who have nothing holding them down
float endlessly.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Recipes, Food Breakdown & Others
1. Potato Soup - tentative success, would do again.
- substitutes: used Pioneer Woman's recipe, but discovered I didn't have milk, whoops. So I just ignored it and added more heavy cream and water. It seems to have worked out alright... also decreased the amount of stock because I was trying to get rid of it; also replaced bacon with one beef sausage; also used (3) red potatoes instead of russet; also had no celery, so ignored that too
- seems to have a little less flavor than I would have expected from a normal potato soup, as expected from the cuts and substitutes
- added random amounts of cumin, italian spice, paprika, a teeny bit of crushed red pepper flakes, salt and pepper
- overall impressions, pretty tasty with a good ratio of thick soup to chewing bits. I think I taste more bland potato than flavorful soup with some bites, maybe I should puree more of it next time?
- overall, actually a fantastic success because this was a "use what i have in the fridge" last-minute dish instead of a pre-planned one.
*edit: i take it all back, second day is more flavorful than the first. maybe the potato just needed some time to soak it all in~ would definitely make again.
2. Chicken pot pie (a remake) - also from Pioneer Woman's blog
- substitute: no pie crust available, used puff pastry;
- Added too much water or not enough flour to thicken it.
- pretty easy staple, second time just as easy
- puff pastry not recommended. ends up flat and doughy. use a real pie crust.
2.5. Chicken pot pie in a biscuit - from a random recipe found on pinterest, I can't seem to find it again though.... ah ha nvm i'm amazing, i found it.
- fail. accidentally bought smaller biscuits (okay, lying here, I actually bought the smaller biscuits because they were totally cheaper and had 40 for the same price as 10 large ones). but they couldn't roll up, which dried up the chicken pot pie filling. also, the biscuit to filling ratio was wayyyyy off. the stupid little biscuits couldn't hold almost anything. Stupid things (yeah i know it's totally my own fault, so sue me, I still have 20 biscuits left in the fridge ready to be baked)
- would try again though.
3. Gumbo - from.. a strange mix of this recipe and this link.
- substitute: could not for life of me find andouille sausage because I was in a rush to make it back to campus and argh why does shopping take 2x longer than I expect, so used beef sausage; did not use Worcestershire sauce; ignored the shrimp and crab meat because I didn't want to bother with buying two ingredients I probably wouldn't use again; bought frozen okra; also did not have cayenne pepper, but red pepper flakes were in my spice cabinet.; oh, also ignored the scallions. whatev.
- roux. ugh. ugh. this freaking thing took forever. I must have been at the stove for close to an hour. I think I was too scared of burning it so I over-stirred and didn't let the water evaporate. In the end, I got pissed off and it never really got to "mahogany colored", instead it was more like a light brown. Hey, better than the light tan that it started off as. If do again, add a teeny bit less water and let it stand for longer before stirring.
- okra. add it later. the seeds and stuff started falling out when i stirred it in, perhaps a little too vigorously.
- it was.... maybe? more oily than i like in general. But i'm not sure if that's just a gumbo thing or a "my" gumbo thing. Maybe drain off the sausages better.... even though I already did....
- it was way too red. blame it on the roux.
- add the tsp of paprika and a bit of red pepper flakes for the heat, completely necessary. just a pinch though.
- next time, add the seafood, lol. (and fix the roux, change the okra?)
note: I made vegetable stock with the cut off ends of celery, onions, and carrots. It was interesting, but way too much work. Am tempted to try with my rotisserie chicken carcass though.... homemade chicken stock?
4. Rum cake - i don't think i would recommend
- made for my synthesis group
- was skeptical because it involves yellow cake mix and vanilla pudding mix. i was right to be skeptical. the only redeeming factor is that it's rum cake. -___-"
- did not have a bundt pan, used a cake tin instead. I should have used two, but nope, silly me thought that I could just pour the entire batter into one and forget that cakes rise.....
- the bumpy cake made it so I couldn't do the "pour glaze into pan and flip cake" technique. It ended up more boozy on one side than the other. For better or for worse I guess.
- besides that it's rum cake and rum cakes are moist and delicious, it has a really odd playdoh texture to it at some times that I am attributing to the cake mix. This might be because I know it's from the cake mix/pudding mix (duh because I made it), but eh.... not sure if it's just me
- seemed well-received. but that might be just because it's free food on a friday and it's rum cake.
- would not make again, potentially consider from-scratch though?
5. Shepherd's pie - mostly based on this one, but I might have looked at other ones to see what could be added/dropped/substituted - oh wait no, i think i got the initial inclination from reddit.... but can't find that post...
- substitutes: did not use any totmato paste, darn it. I even had a jar of spaghetti sauce I was planning on stealing a tbsp from but totally forgot. meh other than that, followed it fairly closely? chicken stock instead of beef, dried parsley instead of fresh, etc.
- reviews mentioned adding ketchup or Worschestire (whatev spell check) sauce.
- first time making mashed potatoes. Used a strange combo of russet and red, but again, whatev. Turned out pretty good. Dumped in cheese, milk, and heavy cream until I thought it seemed okay. I srsly need to buy a strainer. I almost lost a few potatoes down the sink pouring out the water I was boiling them in.....
- i did not get a golden crust on very much of the potato mash topping. I think it's because I didn't leave it in long enough?
- It doesn't keep thaaaat well in the fridge. I ended up having to mix up the potato into the gravy sauce to heat it up properly in the microwave. Still good though.
6. Spaghetti
- hands down the cheapest meal ever. A box of dried spaghetti, a can of sauce. Boom. Done.
- okay, lies, i actually added spinach and onions to the sauce too. it didn't enhance it that much actually, so iono
6.5 Spaghetti meat sauce!!! also from miss pioneer lady
- ummmm wayy too much work for very little improvement of the initial #6. I'd rather have just browned the meat and dumped it into the canned sauce.
I am now convinced that spaghetti sauce is like brownie mix. So close to the real thing, that making the real thing becomes not worth it.
8. Misc.
- omelets: mostly because i had too many eggs and some random bits of cheese left from the past. inside had random ingredients (chicken, onion, spinach). too much effort for something that could just be scrambled, tbh.
- scones - had extra heavy whipping cream, again. this seems to be an easy go-to for using it up. Actually less messy than I expected. Unfortunately they go stale after 4 days or so. And I think I "feel" a little heavier after I eat them, despite their fluffy and light insides..... all that cream. But great with tea.
- sushi - so SA actually has sashimi-grade fish, crazy. Bought some sashimi grade salmon and made up some sushi rice (sugar, salt, rice vinegar), and boom baby!
And that's all fairly recently.
Have yet to do:
- croquettes
- garlic pork loins
- white wine pasta
- coke and pork
I have the panko and the potatoes.... so the croquettes might happen next...
oh... and this....
----
Other: Am on spring break. keke
- substitutes: used Pioneer Woman's recipe, but discovered I didn't have milk, whoops. So I just ignored it and added more heavy cream and water. It seems to have worked out alright... also decreased the amount of stock because I was trying to get rid of it; also replaced bacon with one beef sausage; also used (3) red potatoes instead of russet; also had no celery, so ignored that too
- seems to have a little less flavor than I would have expected from a normal potato soup, as expected from the cuts and substitutes
- added random amounts of cumin, italian spice, paprika, a teeny bit of crushed red pepper flakes, salt and pepper
- overall impressions, pretty tasty with a good ratio of thick soup to chewing bits. I think I taste more bland potato than flavorful soup with some bites, maybe I should puree more of it next time?
- overall, actually a fantastic success because this was a "use what i have in the fridge" last-minute dish instead of a pre-planned one.
*edit: i take it all back, second day is more flavorful than the first. maybe the potato just needed some time to soak it all in~ would definitely make again.
2. Chicken pot pie (a remake) - also from Pioneer Woman's blog
- substitute: no pie crust available, used puff pastry;
- Added too much water or not enough flour to thicken it.
- pretty easy staple, second time just as easy
- puff pastry not recommended. ends up flat and doughy. use a real pie crust.
2.5. Chicken pot pie in a biscuit - from a random recipe found on pinterest, I can't seem to find it again though.... ah ha nvm i'm amazing, i found it.
- fail. accidentally bought smaller biscuits (okay, lying here, I actually bought the smaller biscuits because they were totally cheaper and had 40 for the same price as 10 large ones). but they couldn't roll up, which dried up the chicken pot pie filling. also, the biscuit to filling ratio was wayyyyy off. the stupid little biscuits couldn't hold almost anything. Stupid things (yeah i know it's totally my own fault, so sue me, I still have 20 biscuits left in the fridge ready to be baked)
- would try again though.
3. Gumbo - from.. a strange mix of this recipe and this link.
- substitute: could not for life of me find andouille sausage because I was in a rush to make it back to campus and argh why does shopping take 2x longer than I expect, so used beef sausage; did not use Worcestershire sauce; ignored the shrimp and crab meat because I didn't want to bother with buying two ingredients I probably wouldn't use again; bought frozen okra; also did not have cayenne pepper, but red pepper flakes were in my spice cabinet.; oh, also ignored the scallions. whatev.
- roux. ugh. ugh. this freaking thing took forever. I must have been at the stove for close to an hour. I think I was too scared of burning it so I over-stirred and didn't let the water evaporate. In the end, I got pissed off and it never really got to "mahogany colored", instead it was more like a light brown. Hey, better than the light tan that it started off as. If do again, add a teeny bit less water and let it stand for longer before stirring.
- okra. add it later. the seeds and stuff started falling out when i stirred it in, perhaps a little too vigorously.
- it was.... maybe? more oily than i like in general. But i'm not sure if that's just a gumbo thing or a "my" gumbo thing. Maybe drain off the sausages better.... even though I already did....
- it was way too red. blame it on the roux.
- add the tsp of paprika and a bit of red pepper flakes for the heat, completely necessary. just a pinch though.
- next time, add the seafood, lol. (and fix the roux, change the okra?)
note: I made vegetable stock with the cut off ends of celery, onions, and carrots. It was interesting, but way too much work. Am tempted to try with my rotisserie chicken carcass though.... homemade chicken stock?
4. Rum cake - i don't think i would recommend
- made for my synthesis group
- was skeptical because it involves yellow cake mix and vanilla pudding mix. i was right to be skeptical. the only redeeming factor is that it's rum cake. -___-"
- did not have a bundt pan, used a cake tin instead. I should have used two, but nope, silly me thought that I could just pour the entire batter into one and forget that cakes rise.....
- the bumpy cake made it so I couldn't do the "pour glaze into pan and flip cake" technique. It ended up more boozy on one side than the other. For better or for worse I guess.
- besides that it's rum cake and rum cakes are moist and delicious, it has a really odd playdoh texture to it at some times that I am attributing to the cake mix. This might be because I know it's from the cake mix/pudding mix (duh because I made it), but eh.... not sure if it's just me
- seemed well-received. but that might be just because it's free food on a friday and it's rum cake.
- would not make again, potentially consider from-scratch though?
5. Shepherd's pie - mostly based on this one, but I might have looked at other ones to see what could be added/dropped/substituted - oh wait no, i think i got the initial inclination from reddit.... but can't find that post...
- substitutes: did not use any totmato paste, darn it. I even had a jar of spaghetti sauce I was planning on stealing a tbsp from but totally forgot. meh other than that, followed it fairly closely? chicken stock instead of beef, dried parsley instead of fresh, etc.
- reviews mentioned adding ketchup or Worschestire (whatev spell check) sauce.
- first time making mashed potatoes. Used a strange combo of russet and red, but again, whatev. Turned out pretty good. Dumped in cheese, milk, and heavy cream until I thought it seemed okay. I srsly need to buy a strainer. I almost lost a few potatoes down the sink pouring out the water I was boiling them in.....
- i did not get a golden crust on very much of the potato mash topping. I think it's because I didn't leave it in long enough?
- It doesn't keep thaaaat well in the fridge. I ended up having to mix up the potato into the gravy sauce to heat it up properly in the microwave. Still good though.
6. Spaghetti
- hands down the cheapest meal ever. A box of dried spaghetti, a can of sauce. Boom. Done.
- okay, lies, i actually added spinach and onions to the sauce too. it didn't enhance it that much actually, so iono
6.5 Spaghetti meat sauce!!! also from miss pioneer lady
- ummmm wayy too much work for very little improvement of the initial #6. I'd rather have just browned the meat and dumped it into the canned sauce.
I am now convinced that spaghetti sauce is like brownie mix. So close to the real thing, that making the real thing becomes not worth it.
8. Misc.
- omelets: mostly because i had too many eggs and some random bits of cheese left from the past. inside had random ingredients (chicken, onion, spinach). too much effort for something that could just be scrambled, tbh.
- scones - had extra heavy whipping cream, again. this seems to be an easy go-to for using it up. Actually less messy than I expected. Unfortunately they go stale after 4 days or so. And I think I "feel" a little heavier after I eat them, despite their fluffy and light insides..... all that cream. But great with tea.
- sushi - so SA actually has sashimi-grade fish, crazy. Bought some sashimi grade salmon and made up some sushi rice (sugar, salt, rice vinegar), and boom baby!
And that's all fairly recently.
Have yet to do:
- croquettes
- garlic pork loins
- white wine pasta
- coke and pork
I have the panko and the potatoes.... so the croquettes might happen next...
oh... and this....
----
Other: Am on spring break. keke
Thursday, March 6, 2014
nobody cares
you know, i've been thinking about sliced bread and how cool it is.
I mean, you get uniform slices and the bread isn't even smushed. I hate it whenever I'm carefully trying to cut through a baguette or some fancy unsliced bread loaf and then I accidentally squeeze too hard with the hand holding the bread or press down with the knife and then the soft, fluffy insides are flattened to sad sad bread.
But sliced bread! You don't even need to deal with all of that. It's so darn cheap, you can buy white bread or wheat bread or honey wheat. Heck, you can even buy sliced potato bread. Man, that stuff looks weird but I can probably eat it by itself. You can put stuff between slice bread for sandwiches so easily! You can make toast!
Do you even understand how delicious toast is??
It's like... deliciousness with a bit of butter and a cup of tea.
I bet the people who were pre-sliced-toast-time don't know what they were missing out on.
It's good to live post-1928.
yeah.....
this is a completely pointless post.
I mean, you get uniform slices and the bread isn't even smushed. I hate it whenever I'm carefully trying to cut through a baguette or some fancy unsliced bread loaf and then I accidentally squeeze too hard with the hand holding the bread or press down with the knife and then the soft, fluffy insides are flattened to sad sad bread.
But sliced bread! You don't even need to deal with all of that. It's so darn cheap, you can buy white bread or wheat bread or honey wheat. Heck, you can even buy sliced potato bread. Man, that stuff looks weird but I can probably eat it by itself. You can put stuff between slice bread for sandwiches so easily! You can make toast!
Do you even understand how delicious toast is??
It's like... deliciousness with a bit of butter and a cup of tea.
I bet the people who were pre-sliced-toast-time don't know what they were missing out on.
It's good to live post-1928.
yeah.....
this is a completely pointless post.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Here is a
Here is a saying that I like: never leave for tomorrow what can be done today
Because many times what I leave for tomorrow tends to be pushed off into never-ending tomorrows, and honestly it was such a simple task.
Because many times what I leave for tomorrow tends to be pushed off into never-ending tomorrows, and honestly it was such a simple task.
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