talk with yo body

argh, exercise...



my body is like ugh karen why aren't you being healthy?
and i'm like, shut up body, i'm trying to study here. lemme eat my unhealthy snacks without ever moving from my bed.
and my body is like, ;_;
and i'm like, me too, me too. here, eat more chocolate.
and then my body is like... ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME? WELL FINE, I'LL JUST START SPOUTING OUT ECZEMA AND MUSCLE PAIN AND THEN MAYBE YOU'LL LISTEN FOR ONCE!
and i'm like, ;_;


... the struggles are real lol.

faith in seeds

it's been pretty disheartening the past few days and i just can't seem to be getting over this freaking hump and it's a hump that won't seem to go away, just like a camel's back that always follows him around no matter how hard he tries to lose it. it's a pain and i'm a mess, but of course i can always put up a freaking excellent front because that's what i do. i'll talk smooth and mention the easy let-go weaknesses that shows how much i'm aware of the problems and then the listener accepts and moves on. no need to say anymore. no need, right? it's a nightmare, it's a problem, because i don't even know how to fix any of this stuff. i don't know and did i think it was so easy in the past because i had logic in my back pocket. just whip it out and write a pros and cons list and make a decision and done. done. no problems. just a decision and direction to move towards. but here i'm just struggling and crumpling up my decisions like badly written drafts and just tossing them into the trashcan. and then half a week later, pick it out of the trash, amongst the rotten banana peels and the empty bowls of instant ramen because i'm too freaking tired to figure out my own life, and then smooth out the darned decision and go over it again. and again. until i realize just how easy it is to be indecisive and to let it go and let it keep on going. because isn't it easier to just close your eyes and focus on the immediate? isn't it freaking easier to focus on that deadline tomorrow and get your crap done rather than figure out what is important and make sure that is good and solid?
life is just a huge hump. but we make mountains out of molehills and i think mine is probably just five steps of a staircase, maybe. not even, to be honest, in the grand scheme of things. but for me, it's not about the grand scheme of things because it's about what's happening right now.
and isn't that the problem? that i'm living in the past and the immediate present. i'm living in a time that i'm holding too tightly onto the past and ignoring the future. i'm putting on blinders like a horse that would shied at scary things and focusing on the immediate present rather than the future.
and right now the future is where i need to be focusing, because all of this is worth nothing.
it is only a chasing after the wind.
so i've told myself over and over.
everything falls apart. haven't i already learned these lessons before? haven't i already tasted enough bitterness and humble pie and restlessness of my own heart? i cannot even trust myself. i, who had not trusted others, could not even trust myself. what a tragedy. what a disaster. what a failure.
and what a direction for God to work in.
except i keep on banging my head against my own created walls expecting to move forward. and i hit a block. another block. until i really just want to give up trying because it's easier to avoid the wall, right? that's logical. that reasonable. except i know the path is in that direction. but how the hell am i supposed to go forward with a freaking wall in front of me.
except obviously it was my own wall in the first place.
it doesn't work like that. metaphors don't work in life. i try to make it work because sometimes they help. sometimes they are lovely. sometimes they are poetic. and sometimes they are crap.
and sometimes you feel like crap.
i feel like crap. i could pretty it up however much i wanted. oh i feel miserable but i am glad that la la la la blah blah. oh it's been hard but y'know i'm grateful that this and da dee da.
do we all just wait until someone we trust asks how we're doing? if i were watching myself i would tell self to just freaking go up to the person you trust and say hey i'm having a problem.
the problem.
the problem.
i can name it. i can say a couple things. they would be true. i think. they would be true, and they might be hard, but they aren't the heart of any freaking thing. because all of it is nuances. i'd probably brush it into large categories and say something about fellowship and people and workload and frustration of expectations and disappointment and human fallibility, which i totally thought was spelled falliability. but i'm glad that's a word because it should be a word since everybody is. but that's all besides the point because i'm doing exactly as i would do and as i have been doing. i've been doing and doing. putting things in boxes and finding a solution and going forward. oh well, yeah. problem solved.
so why are there still problems. why are there still problems that cannot be solved.
because people.
because freaking people.
because a man is not an island, as that overly used quote goes. because people are not put into formulas or functions that output exactly what you expect. case in point my mom gave my mini-oreos when i asked for oreos. but the reason i asked was because i totally stole my roommate's oreos after a midnight craving and wanted to replace them. ugh, now i am officially an oreo thief. while still having in my own possession mini oreos but didn't that just go to show that i couldn't even realize my mom wouldn't output what i thought was input. a request for oreos. mini oreos obtained. object wanted not received. end result. problematic.
this end result is problematic. this is problematic. i am not even being rational as i attempt to write an easy blog about a situation i haven't mentioned at this point. i was supposed to be writing down feelings and emotions and things that sweep across your body like afferent nerves because those make you feel things. and what a fool i am to make a medical reference when the very thing i've been lamenting is related. it's easy to laugh than to sob. easy to poke fun than to be serious. easier to smile and nod and pretend that things are going well than say not.
but that's just the thing. things aren't not not going well, just not going well. if i didn't think too hard in the future, if i just concentrated on the now, then none of this would be an issue.
i am such a obfuscator, which is not a word, but really should be one because i think it fits. who can say things plain and simple who doesn't hide behind a mask. and we say we don't need to because God already accepted us as we are why do we hide. why do we hide.
i hide. long time ago i prayed for a girl who was my best friend and i think i still have the prayers written out in some old file just because. long time ago. and then distance. and realization that friendships don't always last. and i just let it go. easily. more easily than letting a balloon string go. no problem. until we meet again. and now, not from my doing or impact, she will visit a church on her own. those who plow the soil. those who plant the seeds. those who water the garden. those who watch it grow. or am i the lazy worker who just bums around watches others work.
let me rail against my own laziness because i can recognize it. just like i recognize delegation issues and patience issues. but why is it so possible so easy to let it be and let it fester and just sit on my shoulder. a never ending fight because it isn't about just winning once against, but about the next moment and the next and the next day. and it just doesn't stop.
life is a hump. i am just a tired student who is sick of walking over bumps. or maybe i'm just a lazy hearted student who can't put forth enough effort to walk over the tiny lump in the hill. or maybe i'm just a soul weary and unknowingly let everything slide out of my hands when i shut my eyes for the past few months. or maybe i'm just being dramatic and letting words wander where they will. i cannot even trust myself to tell the truth. or is it just different faces of the truth.
but today, as marked as i am by failure and disappointment and stress and burden and people, how can i not praise God that there is someone seeking him that had not been before. i don't trust myself at all anymore. to touch seeds for my future or for anyone else's, much less plow the ground and plant and water and harvest and all the steps in between that is real instead of just silly metaphor. but i guess i can trust God.

an answered prayer from ages ago.

med humor

"When considering the best drug to treat your patient, you must consider both nephrotoxicity and wallet toxicity."

Bahahahaha :D

realization:

I had forgotten. As I always do.

Isn't it funny how memory is never good enough. That we cannot trust ourselves enough to remember the important things.

Regardless. Here is an interlude in my train of thoughts, a bit of background to remind myself of context before I drop myself in medias res. Visited Houston for the first time since graduation and met up with dear ones. (i think a piece of my heart will stay in houston, no matter where i go) It was a mad whirlwind of conversation and food and rain and nostalgic memories. It was so very good. Haha, good doesn't even describe it. It was... so easy, so natural, what I think I needed after the past months of struggling by myself.

Maybe because I was only gone for, what, six months? It's really not actually that long. It is, but it isn't, y'know? It was like falling into old patterns. Like knowing the steps to this dance, the way the melody will shift, the way the stairs will creak at that step. Walking around Rice, going through buildings, meeting with cell group, talking to the people that have a hold on my heart, going to HCC and serving lunch again ah haha, seeing the familiar. Noticing the slight differences.

Ah, but enough nostalgic reminiscing. I really must be growing old, because I had not known myself to be sentimental.

But in a very real conversation that I have missed so much, we got on to talking about secrets. And as we drove around and bounced thoughts off each other, half exclaiming with a new thought or idea whenever it struck us, interrupting each other, trailing on with half-formed thoughts, tentatively exploring new concepts or connections, opening a million cans of worms, as is the norm.... as the night neared its ending, I found myself sitting the passenger seat with my eyes closed, breathing as shallowly as possible as if even the sheer act of breathing might make me forget. Because I remembered all over again why I share myself.

Med school is so freaking selfish. Med school has made me so freaking selfish. I am falling into the old and familiar patterns of high school again. Where it is safer to keep your cards close to your chest, to think that there is no gain in being vulnerable, that secrets are best unsaid. Or even better, locked and buried ten feet under.

What is true transformation? Who we are, are they just a reflection of the people and the culture around you? Can it survive the transplantation to another city? Who are you without your friends, without the community around you. When I said I grew, that I definitely changed through college, was that just me adapting to the environment around me? That I was merely holding up a mirror in front of myself to reflect the place in front of me?

Can I survive here in San Antonio?
I don't know.
But I so freaking hope so. 
Because I am doing the slow fall. The slow forgetfulness. The creeping one that is never apparent until I turn my head to see my trail wavering and astray.

By God's grace.

A realization:
How can you expect anyone to keep your secret if you can't even keep it yourself?
I clung to this in high school.
People came and crashed through my walls and into my personal space in college - and I couldn't do anything but laugh at the shattered pieces because, before I knew it, I believed it was worth it to have someone within my walls rather than everyone outside.
But that quote still always struck me as good sense. And I guess it still does, even today.

I thought it was enough if I knew the truth. Why does anyone else need to know?
But have I confronted the truth if I just bury it deep away? Noted, acknowledged, and willfully put away.
Sharing is almost a way of confronting the truth in its entirety.

Even though people can't freaking keep secrets, and communication sucks, and nobody knows what anyone is saying, and even though sometimes I think it is useless to share what is in my soul because they will never understand or be able to add to my own understanding or they will just see it as trash instead of precious... even despite all of that, there is still worth in sharing.
Not just as a gift, not just as a way to bond, but to confront the truth of yourself outwardly.

What need do we have for facades if God has already seen through it all?

Another realization:
It is better to give than receive. Who doesn't know that already, what a trite phrase, what an overused phrase. But when I heard it said so gravely, so solemnly, it hit me so suddenly I felt unsettled by the implications of this truth. And couldn't help but think of how selfish I am these days. There is no time to care for others, to give precious time. I just expect to be fed, to receive, to take. Church shopping, fellowship looking, it was never about what I could give. Never about what I could add. But what I could take.

A consideration:

Would you want to know the secret that could break or shatter another person?
I replied yes, immediately.
I said so for the truth of the person, to know entirely the truth rather than the facade. Even for my friends, I have always seen intimate truths as just the core of the self rather than knowledge that could potentially be abused. I had not even considered....
But perhaps I do not consider the emotional burden behind the knowledge.
Whether it is enough to just know truth, or whether there is responsibility behind the knowledge. Or is it enough to just know it as it is.
And I thought about what could shatter me as a person. And wondered if anyone knows too...

A front:
Questions. Answers.
I said those determined whether I was on the offensive or the defensive. And then I laughed because of how I thought about conversations. And then thought a little longer and frowned. But I do. I do think about questions as being on the offensive and answering as on the defensive. I hold myself too tightly. I guard myself too closely.
I give out the analytical thoughts of myself easily and then bury the emotional a thousand feet under.
Because it is too vulnerable. Because I cannot help but think that people do not care unless they ask. And keep asking. Ask at least three times, because who would face two bluffs and return for the true answer but someone who wants to know? But they must ask. And keep asking. Because I cannot trust anyone to keep my secret, since y'know, I couldn't even keep it myself.

What a lonely way to live, a friend once observed.
I know, I said. And then asked her a question because I already gave too much away for her to say that statement.

---

this was so incoherent. a mix of flashbacks and a recounting of memories and a rambling of moments of realization. and maybe it will not make sense because they are scattered. a handful of precious thoughts yanked out at random from my brain and then spilled into words. the thoughts are unfinished, unpolished, and maybe a little too raw.
but they are true and they are a little vulnerable. more than i would like, which i know because my heart flutters uncomfortably at the thought of pressing the "publish" button.
but maybe this is a first step to confronting myself again.

Surgical

It's a little like arts and crafts for adults. The things we do with our hands. Putting things together and taking them apart. We play with string and thread and we try to make beautiful things.

It is like anatomy with the backwards scissoring. But it is not. Because underneath those scissors and scalpel blade, it is a living breathing bleeding person that is depending on you. Not a cadaver who's purpose was to teach you.

It is like arts and crafts for adults with the thread and the knots. But it is not. Because underneath your hands and your needles and knots is someone who is depending on you to do well. It is not a piece of entertainment that you can just play around with.

Craving

I really, really want to eat katsudon at Hokkaidos.
Or maybe Pine Forest.

Arghhh why won't this week go by faster.....

Two thoughts.

One. That faith is unreasonable. It is not something that can be reasoned through, not something that you can measure the risk factors and come to a quantitative conclusion that it is the right thing to do. To trust the other party. It is not something that "makes sense", except perhaps in your heart. Because faith comes from knowing who God is. Not because I can calculate the exact number of times trusting God turned out the way I wanted or that even if I logicked it out it would make sense in that way. It's hard when I cannot rely on reason. Because that means I am not relying on myself and my own abilities. 

Two. That I cannot treat finding a fellowship in a consumerist attitude. What do I get out of it? Because in the end, fellowship is not just about me, but about building a community that pleases God. 

another post too ^^

It is worth it.

It is.


It's delayed gratification.
It's the harvest.
It's the put-in-time-even-though-you-can't-see-results.

People. People are worth it. 

a little thought about impersonal prayer

I've always had problems with this.

If I don't know the person I am praying for specifically, I'm a little less heart-felt.
It's like praying for an entire country, or for world peace. Nice, but not very... eh, helpful? Or maybe that's not the right word, because who knows, maybe God would hear that prayer and deliver on world peace just like that. It's just not eh, practical to expect. (Here, I can already hear someone telling me that I need to have more faith and faith can literally move mountains. Yes. I know. But it's still hard to honestly believe world peace would happen after my prayer tonight.)

Or when a friend asks you to pray for a friend's friend who is sick. Or something. Two degrees of separation is probably the hardest for me. Praying for a friend, of course. Praying for a friend's friend, yes, because I can see how that person I don't know is affecting my friend. But going beyond that, it becomes more like a prayer list where I just repeat almost word-for-word what you told me about your friend's friend in a prayer.

Honestly, it's harder to care.
One person is a mourned death. Ten thousand is a statistic. 

Maybe it's because I'm feeling more cynical these days, I dunno.  

But I dunno. It's not about effectiveness, is it? We aren't praying to see results. (Vending-machine-God comes to mind.) We pray more to communicate with God. Because we're a body.
I guess half the struggle is because praying for someone/something usually lies solely in the "asking" part of prayer. Not the praising, or other prayer aspects. 


I guess it is like faith. Trusting in things unseen.
Which is hard, because it's always easier or nicer to see the direct impact of things.

Do you pray for things in your past? For the church that you left, for the people you don't see anymore, or the people who have passed out of your life? Even for organizations where everyone you've known has left?
And how often? Whenever they come into mind? Daily? Once a week?

Duty is a strange thing.
Is it a duty to pray for people? A responsibility?
Love is, I think. Love your neighbors, is a command. You should. You ought to. What then, is prayer also?
I pray for you daily, says Paul.
Is this, too, a command?

I guess it wasn't such a little thought after all.

---

Maybe the flaw in the conception of this post is that prayer should arise naturally, like loving someone. It's not about the logistical aspects or who and when and where and how often. But that you desire to pray for someone.
But can you blame me for thinking about how it happens practically in daily life? Amorphous abstract pretty phrases are well and good and we never want to be limited by logic. But.. *shrug. Sometimes the knowledge of who when where and how often helps.

Sometimes I wonder

Sometimes I wonder if I could just sit down with someone and talk to them over a cup of tea, or three cups and a scone, slowly. Slowly, like we would savor our words and spend them wisely. Not talking about the weather and oh-how-was-your-day, but something that resonates and something so deep that we must take a moment and sip our tea so we can ponder it a little longer, and then another moment that makes us laugh until our cheeks hurt. But instead, we smile and nod at each other in the hallways. I'll remember your high school name, but forget your sister's name. You'll remember the odd collection of knick-knacks that I collect, but forget if I was allergic to milk. Because, you know, it's not like our circles of friends overlap. And we'll run into each other and exchange pleasantries, hello-how-are-you, are-you-well, and then leave amiably. Leaving the things that could be said unsaid.

 I wonder if I have passed by so many people that I could have loved if only I had taken the time to sit down with them over a cup of tea. 

 ---

There was a quote I liked:  “Spend your money on the things money can buy. Spend your time on the things money can’t buy.”

 

Game Night

Had a game night with other MS1s.

CCF has ruined me. I play way too intense. Everyone else was super chill.... whoops.

D:

Testing, testing:

Password: My Myer Briggs

Cardiology

Sorta kinda starting cardiology stuff recently.
I love this stuff.
Heart rhythms are fascinating. It's like a mix of science and art. Where you just close your eyes and strain to hear the beat like the drummer keeping the rhythm to a song. Steady, thrumming through your entire body. It's like playing the violin where your fingers have to find the right position. Shift half an inch and you're off by a whole step and a half. Press your fingers against her pulse, let your hand curve around the ribs and feel for the point of maximum impulse. An inch lower and you're in the wrong intercostal space. But when you get it right, the music resonates. When you get it right, the pulse is strong under your fingers.
It's the heart. How can it not be interesting?

Fellowship

Went to try out a fellowship.

It had the feeling of new-ness. People didn't really know everybody else, there were a lot of new or just moved-in types of people. There wasn't exactly a core group either. Not entirely welcoming.

Didn't particularly like the format of basing the Bible discussion off the sermon from Sunday. Too redundant.

Very similar to CCF style, except people actually talked without prompting, ha.

On the whole, I was a little disappointed. Not sure if my expectations are a little off because I'm in the post-grad life and people don't have as much time to really invite you to things or go about their way to make you feel welcome.
But also, it really had the feeling of new-ness. Like people were uncertain of the group, either uncomfortable or whatever, to say anything too deep.
It makes me think of what CCF might have been way back when. Maybe?

It was about covenant love. But honestly? Nobody said anything of substance, in my mind. It all boiled down to "God has covenant love for us". Great, but no talk about how that changes our life style or how that affects our lives. It was just, tell us about a situation where you've seen it?

Ugh. This is going to sound silly too, but everybody felt too happy there. Maybe I am just a dark and twisty, cynical soul that likes dark corners... but... I felt like I could see bubbles and sunshine and rainbows. D:

But hey, it's all first impressions.
And God did sorta kinda lead me there maybe kinda.


A little discouraged by the amount of time it takes to find fellowship and a church. It always feel like I'm wasting time if I'm just trying out a place and not committing, because in the end, those connections are just disappearing.
And I'm always thinking about what I should be studying :(
bad.

Ah that was the other thing. They weren't med. Or dental. Like... none of them. Not sure if plus or minus.

I wish transitioning were easier. 

curiosity

got to figure out someone today for the first time in a long while.
School doesn't always translate to quality time one-on-one.

Got told I think too much yet again.
I can't help it.

People are troublesome. People are fascinating.

Older

I've come to the slightly unhappy conclusion that I'm slowly growing out of the YA fantasy books that I've loved for years.

Some are, of course, classics. But the majority (always tagged "for children" or "ages 9-13") don't seem to sit right with me anymore. Which is a true pity because a lot of times I think I would loved some books that were just meh if only I were the right age.

Instead of carefully roaming through the shelves of brightly bound fantasy novels, I look through old and stodgy books now. I really would never have picked up Anna Karenina on my own ten years ago. Ouch that hurts to say. A whole decade ago.

And there's less time to read too... ugh. I'll find time. Somewhere.

Study study

Our instructors are liars!! They say to not memorize everything but just know the concept. Ha! But then how can you answer the question if you don't memorize all of the vitamin deficiency and their corresponding complexes? Rawr.

Every Word

You do not know the effects of your words.

Each phrase is like a pebble thrown into a pond.
Some miss and lie forgotten among the marshy reeds.
Some land in the middle of a mountain of other similar pebbles.
But sometimes, it arcs through the air and lands in the very center of the water.
And ripples spread out. Waves and waves crash against the edges and everything is disturbed.

You said it so easily. I took it to heart and mused upon it, thought about it, slept on it.

Maybe I think too much.

Right

I've always been a truth over love sort of person.
Because how can you be wrong if you say what is right?

Unfortunately that is not always the case and this is what I've learned again today:
You can be wrong even when you are right.

What a paradox.

Unrelated Observation; Note to Self

My butt hurts from sitting too much. :O
I need to exercise >.<

The long road

I find myself eternally tired these days.
Haha what a flashback to junior year second semester.
But even more so, it feels like. :O
The horrible knowledge of feeling guilty when I sleep more than 5 hours a day because that's just less time I'm up and doing something. Breaks are naps instead of fun because that's more productive.

There's always more to study, there really is. It's like being eternally behind.

And it slowly dawned on me today, without realizing it, that for the past few weeks, God has slowly shrunk in my life from my goal and purpose and foundation to a hypothetical. As in, ah yes he's my Lord and Savior, but it's not like he can really help me memorize these cranial nerves and pathways any faster.
I am committing the the mistake of putting the urgent in front of the important.
And the stupid thing is I knew this coming in.
I already knew it'd be hard, that this would probably happen, that I'd get tired and med school is the place where most people have their "driest" years.
And of course it still happens. And I am still taken off guard.
I've gone from actively looking for fellowship to resigning myself to hopefully find one in the future if it perchance falls in my lap because of tests, tests, tests.
Ridiculous. Ridiculous if I take a step back and look at what I'm doing.
Makes total sense if I focus on the moment.

I don't know myself well enough.
That is definitely one thing that I have learned so far here. 

Let the space between where I want to be and who I am inspire me.

Because, gracious, that space is enormous.

On quasi-Christianity things

Felt frustrated today at Bible study because they asked if we had "ever been in a situation where we turned away from God, despite his promises, because of someone's (or yourself's) disbelief?" Just like the Israelites going to Canaan and not believing in God (Num 13-14, I think).

And then people offered up situations where they were certain of their path in life and then other people laughed or shook their heads, etc.
Uhhhh how does that make any logical sense? That's normal. Even that happens to people who aren't Christian. So how is it different?
It seems to me more that it's looking at what exactly are God's promises to us before asking that question. Otherwise we might as well just be a self-help group for personal issues.
It's more like a let's-be-open! scenario that only tangentially relates.

Or spiritual warfare.... I have a lot of uncertainty on this issue.
T- shared his story about spiritual warfare about the enemy putting thoughts of doubt and lack of self-worth before he was going on a health care trip.
Is it spiritual warfare, or just general anxiety?
Even non-Christians go through doubt and lack of self-worth.
So why do we call it spiritual warfare when Christians go through it?

-_____-"

At the end of the day, there should be a difference that sets us apart as children of God. Whether it's a peace, or joy through suffering, or our attitudes towards certain things, the reason behind our actions, or whatever, there should be something.
So when I don't see any difference at all, I am skeptical.

>.<

Cooking to-do list

I like to-do lists. They organize things.

After my test,


Cooking to-do list:

1. gumbo with okra
2. chicken pot pie w/ pie crust cookies
3. quiche ina crock pot
4. mapo tofu

or maybe just canned soup.... (the lazy way out)

Preceptorship

My preceptor is a plastic surgeon!!!

Maybe he'll be super cool and I'll end up wanting to do plastics. :O

Not what I expected, but I'm excited ^^

CMDA

Christian Medical & Dental Association.

Went to their Bible study on... er? Tuesday. Ah yes, my days are blurring together.

Went through Hebrews.
As HCC had that Sunday school on it, I didn't really learn anything "new". But it was good, really good. Solid stuff there.

I liked the community, but in the end, it was a Bible study - not a fellowship.

But people stuck around and talked afterwards. But there was no time designated for personal interaction and questions of how is your spiritual life? how are you? no really, how are you? 

Maybe my expectations are skewed from CCF, but I'm still hoping to find something vaguely similar.

But it was good. I will probably go again next week.

Still on the search, God leading.

---

Sleep is a luxury I can always afford. Except I always choose not to. I am like a peasant scrabbling for the scraps. Subsisting on snatches of twenty-winks and guilty moments where I can't stand being awake anymore. It's crazy that I've already gotten to this point only one month in. I haven't yet succumbed to coffee.... but it's tempting. Very tempting.

---

Riddle me this:
Do you love what you do?

Pancakes

Assuming 3 pancakes per meal, and given 3 meals a day, I have about 18 pancakes I need to eat.

Humility

Humility. Let me practice this.
Patience. Let me find strength in those moments.


It's too easy for me to be critical of other people's mistakes, especially when it affects me.
It's like that psychology terminology that states that you believe that your mistakes comes from your situation, but other people's mistakes come from inherent personality problems.
"I tripped over the rock because the stupid rock was hidden and never should have been there."
"You tripped over the rock because you're clumsy. Silly person."

An overview

There is something to be said about the "asian" way of connecting people with one another, breaking that one degree of separation. The first thing that happens when you go to a new place is anybody you know will say something along the lines of "oh I know so-and-so there, let me get in contact with him/her so he/she can show you around".

This is just a tad strange for me to recognize because I am no stranger to silence or large amount of time alone, but it's a little lonely in San Antonio despite the numerous of people I knew from Rice or even my high school. It's hard cutting through all the social crap niceties and getting to the real person.

So far I am not too worried by med school. Rice prepared me well. Bioc and anatomy. I'll be okay for the first few weeks at least.
The long hours are annoying though. It's more time consuming than college by far. Not just the studying. The classes. The lectures. The required hours.
But all of that is manageable. Even the feeling of always being slightly behind, or not studying enough. It's okay, it's manageable.
Instead. 
I'm worried I'm going to hate it here, I'm worried that I won't find a fellowship that grows me, that challenges me, that I would love with all my heart. I'm worried of losing who I am, I'm worried that med school will pull out the ugly as if sifting the stressed emotions and intense competitor out from the fruits of the spirit qualities I hope to grow in myself.

2 Corinthians cut to the bone yesterday.

⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰ We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹ For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.

Hopefully I will turn around in four years and see that this moment in time was just a slice of transition wedged in between periods of growth.


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I've forgotten how to be alone.
Tell me that's a good thing, because right now I don't know if it is. 
Except, of course it is.
Of course it is.


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Anatomy is probably my favorite thing right now, despite that it's hours of ___.
I was thinking ortho, but maybe not anymore. I don't really like bone saws or chisels. They're a little too imprecise for me.

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This Sunday morning found me in a movie theater, carefully sitting down in a plushy movie theater chair, smelling that sharp butter scent of popcorn. And then the music started and the theater filled with mostly young adults lifted their voices for Jesus's glory.
Despite its unconventional location, I loved the message today. On greatness. Mark 10. Whereas the world can only see greatness as clawing your way up, despite who you step on, to get to the top, Jesus says the servant will be the first. Coming out of the second week of med school where I am just determined to get good grades and do well, it is a brilliant reminder that I chose this path to serve others, above all else.

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Now that you have finished reading my blog, you know too much of me already. A one way mirror that shows you watching me questioning and wondering and trying live this life to the best of my ability and failing, always failing. Always being picked up by my Savior. Drowning and breathing in water as if it were air, and Jesus breaking my ribs to save me until I breathe air instead.

How are you?

Sense

In one fell swoop, God answered my questions lingering from a long talk with a friend and also my own frustrations with myself. 

2 Peter 1

Where he talks of how we are to pursue our calling and to continually add to our faith with goodness, knowledge, self control, and other virtues, and of course love. 

A much needed reminder as I am still defining my goals and expectations for myself. 

And the last part on the prophets speaking truth and not human interpretation was interesting. And I'll come back to it, but I'm regretfully exhausted and I know my body needs sleep for tomorrow's work. 

Even a short quiet time where my heart is open is worth every second in hours. 

Frugality

“Compra solamente lo necesario, no lo conveniente. Lo innecesario, aunque cueste un solo céntimo, es caro”.

“Buy only what is necessary, not what is convenient. What is unnecessary, even if it only costs one cent, is expensive."

health care as a right

Finished my first test of med school, nbd.
Surprisingly ethics/professionalism/principalism/law making can be interesting. Very interesting. Depends on how it's presented or taught. This week had a mix of both, obviously.

But here is the thing that I cannot understand about our health care system.

If there is someone on the verge of dying and requires an ICU bed, the hospital is legally required to let that person stay in the ICU indefinitely, even without means of paying or insurance.
What?
If an illegal immigrant jumps the border and ends up nearly dying and is sent to the hospital, the hospital might decide that it's cheaper to just send him back to Mexico with a ventilator that costs 20 grand. (real story at SA). But it's cheaper because a stay in the ICU is 5 k/day.
What?
I don't freaking understand how this can happen.
Well, actually, ethically I understand how it happens. Because the moment you remove these patients from their machines, they will die. And in America, nope nope nope. Doesn't work like that. Here, we can't put a price on someone's life. Except, when they aren't close to death or in an emergency -life, limb, eyes, labor- then sure we can slap on a bill that is insanely high to cover the unpaid cost.

Now, I am not saying that anyone's life can be measured in importance comparatively to anyone else's life. But when I view these types of situation, it just doesn't make sense to me, practically speaking. So, who is deserving of health care? What if someone were to try to go through legal channels and get health care in America? Nope, we'll make you wait, and then ask you pay through your nose for this stuff. But in this, it's almost as if we're rewarding people who collapse at your front door. I just think that all of health care in America is short sided and very emotional. You want to save the person at the doorstep no matter the cost, rather than the millions of people with close to the same exact condition.
It shouldn't be about the money. I didn't go into med school for the money, I don't think health should be contingent on money or insurance.
But it is.
Because some hospitals are for-profit, because there are bills to pay, because there are HMOs, and there are bills that never get paid and has to be made up somewhere else.
The numbers will all have to balance sometime and I think most of the American health care system is deluding itself in thinking it'll all work out in the end somehow.

You have a right to health care. But do you have a right to unlimited health care? I really don't think so. There is such thing as limited resources and justice for the many. Maybe this is a little too utilitarianism, but it is just so much more rational - so much more sensible.

Like food banks. I think this is almost a near perfect analogy. When you give money to charity, food banks ask you to donate to them because they can stretch the dollar so much further due to their connections with grocery stores or whatnot. But instead, most people give to the person who approaches them on the street. Which is great and fine and not a bad thing. But really, that money could rationally be better spent at the food bank. Okay, yes I'm discounting the emotional benefits and the human connection - but that's my point. It's so much more efficient! But it's not the response a empathetic human being would give when a dying person is sitting at your door. We want to help and saying, sorry that goes beyond our budget allocated for this sort of thing doesn't cut it for the policymakers. Instead, we say that was a person, a mother a father a daughter a son and how can you dare put a price on human life?! This goes to show you what horrible people doctors are because they are more concerned about the money than helping people. 
 

It almost makes me want to go into policy and shake a couple people really hard until something makes sense.
But that's the problem - it's not a couple of people. It's a whole bunch of randomly created rules that somehow manages to exist because it's harder to change for the better than just deal with the strangeness that is our health care.

I do acknowledge that I have not done enough research to be able to understand all the ins and outs of current hospitals rules or Obamacare that will be implemented soon. But that is also pretty telling... if someone who is invested in this system is already a little uncertain of exactly where money is coming and going in the healthcare system, then how would anybody really know?
I think it's a strange matter of too much/too little information. There is so much information that it's hard to sift out the relevant material. I hardly have the time to read through all of Obamacare legislation. Sure, I know the jest of it, but I couldn't recite dates of change each specific change. So then, without this knowledge, how do we even know how to fix things for the better?

Going off on this too, it brings up the consideration that as a person in the health care world, are we allowed to have opinions?
Ha, my first response to that was duh, of course I'm going to have opinions.
But then, if you start speaking publicly about your opinions on what the limitations of health care you can give to people, patients might not trust you as much. Because here, health care -unlimited health care- is a right.
I'm already starting to wonder if this post is okay to go public or not. Mrk. I might switch it to private if I get a little too concerned. But for now it'll be okay?

Sigh. After going to the UK to see how their health care works, I just can't help but get frustrated at America. It's so disorganized, but it stays that way because it benefits certain groups - and those groups definitely have power in Congress. Well, that and also it's kinda hard to cut something off entirely and implement something new. Hence why Obama is doing the slow transition and by 2014 everyone must have some sort of health insurance. Stuff like that.
It's a system that's broken, but pieced together by duct tape and fraying strands of money and debt. But people hate change. And heh.

One thing is for certain. I need to know more about policy in the future.

A case of the envies.

I've been having a case of the envies, of the inferiorities, of the burdens, and the lazies.
It's easy to dream of being someone else and say what-if and pretend.
But it's useless if you just dream your life away. My brother told me that at age six. Wise words.
I'm not perfect. Nor virtuous, or patient, or intelligent or wise or empathetic or whatever qualifies as a perfect person.
What you see is what you get.
I am who I am. Human. Flawed. Sinful. And only God can change me. And I only want to change where God leads me. Everything else is obsolete. I only want to be swayed by truth. Not by people. Not by pretty words or envious thoughts or false arguments.
God made me me after all.
And I'll trust that He has some purpose to making that crazy decision.

First Sunday

Crazy day.

Went to Fellowship Bible Church. It's a close eight minutes away from my place, and I went there first because the website showed a pretty small, tight-knit community.

The Sunday School is before the service, but it seemed more like a Bible study than a typical Sunday School that I'm used to. Which isn't bad per se, but it threw me a little off guard. Not to mention it seems like not many people attend - and there's only one for the post-grads. They said it fluctuates from around 2-10 people... which is very, very small for the entire church. Makes me wonder what they encourage people towards?

It was also very, very, very white. As in... zero diversity. *shrug. I can live with that to some extent because it's a little like HCC in the sense that we didn't realllllly have diversity either.

The discussion/Bible study was interesting because they talked so much, lol. Usually I'm used to speaking up a lot more because people need to be prompted by pre-made questions. And even with those questions, it's pretty short answers. But the discussion was carried by mostly three people and it turned into a conversation more than a lead discussion. Which... I didn't particularly like because I like structure. It made me feel like they didn't really have an end point, but just brought up different topics just to talk about something. Sure it's important somethings, but it's not there to make you seriously consider a specific topic.

And then the topics went into persecution and homosexuality and abortion.
And then I realized just how conservative this church was. I wanted to ask, have you met a gay person before?
Talked about how a potential law in SA was being debated on currently about giving city priority to businesses that are all for diversity and tolerance. And then how Christian businesses would then be discriminated against because they are intolerant.

Okay..... there are a lot of words being thrown around that ought to be defined. Like tolerance and diversity and discrimination. And a lot of viewpoints to be seen. Because yes in a sense Christians are intolerant. But no where did we talk about love for the people and hate for the sins.  It was just... felt very one-sided. Like they've never heard anybody talk about the struggles of being Christian and gay or persecution themselves.
 
Everything was hypothetical, everything was talking about other countries and what happens to other people.
They say how other Christians are persecuted, but they don't talk about themselves in a potential sense to be martyrs. Okay, that might be a little dramatic. But I mean it in the sense of Francis Chen saying how we have just enough of God to feel good about ourselves, but not enough to actually change our lives according to the Bible. Like how he sold his house for a smaller one and gave the money away. That kind of personal application.

It's all well and good to talk about events and potential things that can convict you. But when it boils down to will it change you? There has to be application otherwise it's just theory.

Bah. I'm not certain yet. I just wish I spoke up more. But I kept quiet for the most part because I didn't feel exactly comfortable in that kind of supposed-Sunday-School atmosphere. Plus... if I did, it might be hard-core debate, and there's a time and place for that. But I wish I spoke up just a little more.

On the subject of welcoming.... eh... mixed feelings. Yes and no. They were pretty welcoming, but not overly. It started out well, they noticed I was new right away. The benefits of a small church ^^

However, this might sound like a little thing, but during Sunday School I sat on a couch on one end of the room, and then nobody joined me. Wow that sounds lonely lol.
Well... you know how people always sit with a space in between each other unless they know each other well? That's what happened to begin with, and then people started sitting in the middle gaps of the couches instead of my couch, which had only lonesome me.
I'm not particularly bothered (or maybe I am because I'm writing about it?) because goodness, it's just a seat. But it felt less welcoming, if that makes sense.

I haven't been a new-comer in a while, but it reminded me of a couple things.
ALWAYS STICK TO THE NEWCOMER if you're trying to be welcoming.  They don't know what's going on, they don't know the inside jokes, the other people references, what's funny about somebody's old boot, or where to sit, really.
That was me.
So they tried to help, but it feels like they haven't had a newcomer in a while lol lol.

For the sermon.
So interesting!! I've never been to such a small congregation that the preacher could make people references and the whole congregation just laughs because everybody knows each other. I really like that feeling. I knew most of the songs. Pretty old school stuff. Amazing Grace, that ilk.

The pastor spoke on Ecclesiastes. Okay. This is probably my favorite book in the Bible. No joke.
Life is a chasing after the wind and all that.
But.... I don't think I agreed with the pastor's conclusions that Solomon was trying to say we should enjoy the journey of life.
wut.
That's not it at all... sure there's that verse in Eccl 2:24

"A person can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in their own toil. This too, I see, is from the hand of God"

But that doesn't lead to the conclusion that we should just enjoy the journey of life because that's God's gift to us! I mean, that's a great statement and I personally think it's true. But I don't think that's what these verses say.
Blah. But I know I'm pretty nit-picky about sermons when I think something doesn't follow or make sense (even at HCC), so ugh I'm not sure if this is a sign of my nit-pickyness or.... slightly off preaching?
And also. Again. Where is the practical applications?

Conclusion of this church.
The people are pretty lovely (read more below) but I have a couple of minor(?) issues with their format and preaching. I love the small community and easiness they have with one another.
Maybe it would have been different with a college crowd instead of the post-grad one.... But if I stay, it would mean a lot of outspokenness on my part...
I will be going to another one next Sunday.

I don't even know if I'm doing this whole church searching thing right. Maybe I should look up a guide.. hum.

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Dang this is a long post, but I'm not even done.

I got a flat tire today. OMGAH. I suck at this stuff. I didn't even know it was Toyota Camry when I got my first car. I was like... Honda Camry? Not sure....
Didn't have a spare or a jack -___-"
After freaking out because I've never had to deal with a flat tire, the church people really help me out. Luckily John at the church had an air pump and pumped up my tire enough for me to get to Wal-Mart.
(every time I try to write "tire", I end up writing "tired".... lol >.<)
Where they couldn't fix it... -__-" so I just bought a can of sealant thingamabob? and squirted it in. Actually... I didn't.
I stared at the tire with the can in my hand, half-squatting half-kneeling in my Sunday dress wondering what to do. Because apparently you have to have the tire completely flat before you can add it because it adds air as well. Well... since John help me add air to get to Wal-Mart, it was a pretty full tire.
So I was thinking uh... my options are: drive around until it deflates more, pull out the nail in my tire, shove my key into the tire so another hole is created????

But a Wal-Mart employee saw me looking blankly at the tire and came out to help me.
I AM SO GRATEFUL. Seriously. I was in my Sunday dress sweating in the hot hot Texas sun wondering if I would even be able to get back to my apartment because it's not like I could really call that many people here in SA. ... er... that I felt that comfortable asking.
But he came out and showed me how to let the air out of my tire. You just push that nozzle button. I felt like an idiot, seriously. And he didn't even laugh at me.
... probably because I laughed at myself.
And then he filled up my tire with air before I left, squeezing me in before the other stuff they had to do.
D: I hate imposing on people, but ah... I am so grateful.
Made it all the way back ^^ will go to discout tires tmrw after school. 

I guess it's best this happened on a Sunday... before school starts.  

Transition

You're probably in the right place.

I hope I am, at least.

-edit-
my old blog: ninelarks.blogspot.com