But two days ago, I heard one of my co-resident/friend was in the ED. Jokingly, I texted him, hey, you dying? heard you were in the ED. hope you're ok.
He texted back, haha, not dying, but i'm still waiting for a lot of tests to be run. i'll update you more when i know more.
And I didn't think too much more of it. Until later when I hear he actually went to the ED for a partial seizure, and the CT head images showed a large brain tumor. And now he was admitted to the University hospital and waiting for a brain biopsy.
He's not even 30, he's almost done with his intern year, and then he should've gone into ophthalmology. He's pretty much done with all of the bs hoop jumping to make it where he actually wants to be. And then boom, this happens. A freaking brain tumor. A tumor in your freaking brain.
A couple of us residents visited him and he was laughing and joking and pretty honest. But underneath it all, you could hear his fear and worry. His life has been turned around. And one of the neurosurgery residents told him the prognosis was maybe 10-15 years. Like... fuck. It's not 1-2 years, but still. But still.
And it's so unfair. It's so unfair. This always positive, so much fun, always has a joke, hard working person that has made it through medical school and intern year and is set to be an ophthalmologist... he is so young. He is my age. I think it's hit my entire class hard because we all think about how completely horrible it is. You make it through all this trial with the thought that this delayed gratification will pay off. We don't go through all this training and studying because it's enjoyable - but because we want to make it to the end. And with all of this... what if he can't?
What if his tumor is unresectable? What if he loses his vision? Or his motor function? What if he needs chemo and/or radiation and it's so debilitating that he can't go further. What if he literally cannot be an ophthalmologist? Would you even keep going if you only have so many years left? What is worth it? But then what would you do with your time?
I told him I would pray for him - and he replied, I believe in the power of prayer and I think it matters more than people think. So thank you.
I don't even know. I am surrounded by mortality in the hospital. I don't even bat an eye when a code blue is called. This is a hospital, there are deaths. But we are on the other side of the hospital care - and I forget that our best laid plans are futile. We cannot predict the future. I forget that there is always something more important, something greater than just the time we spend here. It is so easy, it is so freaking easy to let time whittle away at my life. To get the urgent and emergent and fun things done. To live life in a breeze, to live in a way where there are only earthly cares. What to eat, who to hang out with, work thoughts, studying. It is so easy to let time pass, minute by minute, months by years. But oh, when faced with these kinds of questions... what is truly important? How can I live this life in a manner that I don't regret. What would I do if I only had 10 years? Are the things I do right now worth it? Is it worth worrying about these things in light of all of it?
What is my purpose here?
