Thanksgiving reflection

I am very, very blessed.

Due to a strange turn of events, I ended up in Houston instead of Dallas for Thanksgiving. And was able to spend time with family and friends. Which was a delightful surprise because I so very rarely visit Houston. And I think I have already established how fond I am of that city and a lot of the people there (extremely).

I am thankful for safe driving.

I am thankful for Steph:
- Who opened her house graciously as a phenomenal hostess. [Honeycrisp apple cider, brie and raspberries, zucchini bread, sprinkles cupcakes, sparkling cider.]
- Jinya and delicious ramen that I just had to shove into my face because it was that good
- late night conversations that flow into the dreaming hours of the morning about questions and searching and love and truth and friendship and conversation that just remembers who you are, who they are, why you are both still such good friends after all these years.
- mud masks and chocolate stout and fairly average action movies

I am thankful for BASIC and Karen:
- slightly facetious because I'm just glad I could see more people and have a game night with random BASIC people, and for the host to open her house. It is a very generous thing to open one's house to so many random people/strangers. And I totally crashed the party.
- seeing the CCF "freshmen" who are now seniors (where is the time going?)
- meeting interesting new people.
- winning nerts <3 and playing resistance

I am thankful for family:
- because my cousin is a great cook and generous with his time and space and willingness to help
- for my mother, because she is always a treasure and a comfort to any loneliness or frustrations
- for my father, because at the end of the day, I know he loves me
- for my brother, because he is always blunt and truthful
- for being a support

I am thankful for my friends:
- game nights again, yes.
- but also have the kind of conversation that exposes people and shows how different your ideals can be - and yet to still be friends. talking and discussing and debating and seeing why.
- in the end, relationships are not an absolute. And sometimes there is a give and take.
- Diplomacy is always useful. Someday I will learn to be more graceful in my words.

 Thanksgiving is a time of thanks. Doesn't always feel like it what with a focus on turkey and shopping. Or even when times are rough and it's easier to complain than to reflect on thankfulness. But with good food, friends and family, good conversation, silly moments and laughter, there is always so much to be thankful for.

Small reflection

small things that make me happy
or
why life can be worth living another day

the steam of hot tea, chocolate, apple cider rising up to warm your cheeks
the warmth of the sun when you walk out of a cold room
ginger cookies
a beautiful endless Texas sky
a quiet moment
taking off professional clothes after a long day
smell of jasmine
when a favorite artist puts up a new song
the lines of a good black pen
a fuzzy blanket
lying on the couch that fits my entire body
finding a song that i want to put on repeat for days
confirming that i don't have TB (not a small thing ha) 
when i get a dance move perfectly
rediscovering hobbies that i put down for a time
knowing friends/family is a phone call away
when i have the right shoes for the right occasion
crisp fruits
rereading words that i've written and seeing they're still true
trying a new recipe that goes well
a book that keeps me up at night | a book that makes me cry
friend giving me chocolate after a long day
the light through the window in the morning waking me up without an alarm
clean sheets
lighting a candle and seeing the tiny flame sprout from the wick
blowing out a candle
trying a new perfume
a massage that hurts so good
seeing stars in the dark sky 
finally eating the food i crave (Mediterranean, pho, Saag Paneer)
finishing a good run
the deep sigh at the end of a yoga routine
a compliment from the attending
tying a perfect knot
midnight conversations with a friend
beating my own miles and time
taste of salt
licking honey off the finger
coming home to noise and laughter in the apartment
realizing i have exactly what i needed in my purse
a clean room
seeing green buds in spring
when my skin is clear
a hot shower when it's cold
singing over guitar chords
dancing at midnight in an empty apartment
a fashion compliment
singing at the top of my lungs in the car
coming back to my apartment after days away
friends who remember my birthday
a unexpected celebrated birthday
being taken care of without anything in return
lemon slices in cold water
authentic asian food
when someone sees me from the books I read
when my mom tells me, don't be too stressed 
an unexpected keep-in-touch email from a friend
pouring tea from a teapot
someone putting the kettle on for me before I get to the kitchen
when my fingers remember the triple duple pattern on piano
my mom's cooking
sitting on the counter top
the coolness that comes after the rain
lying in a hammock swings

the sound of trains far away at night

the sound of wind and rain in an empty house
a hot bath with a lit candle, music, and a comfort book
rereading my comfort books
unexpected laughter out loud that makes me grin long after

whose line is it anyway
a walk in a new park with a good friend
seeing fluffy clouds | flying through a cloud
petting cats that like to sit on my lap and purr
petting fluffy dogs that wag their tail
horrible puns that make me laugh anyway

dressing up in halloween costumes
thrill of roller coasters 

calmly walking through haunted houses

fair food after walking for hours (turkey leg, funnel cake)

completing little hobby projects

the perfect wingtip cat eye | a lasting red lip
watching a monarch butterfly flap its wings 

samples from farmers market or central market or costco
crispness of a cool fall day

smell of an ice rink

remembered dreams
when he texts back
sand underneath the feet
hitting the ball over the net
shadows on my ceiling at night

reading crochet patterns 

watching tv shows with someone

little tea snacks

apples with cookie butter

when a cat ducks under my hand and begs to be petted

finishing crochet projects
opening a package
a good hair day
really comfortable, but cute, loungy pants

walking over a creek on wooden planks

returning home to hot food

striking a match

watching a march of leaf cutter ants
the taste of blackberry wine
successfully buying clothes from shopping
the musical sounds of a brook
jumping over creeks
reaching the peak of a trail and letting my heartbeat settle
walking down the wrong side of the mountain
seeing a colorful bird
a crackling fire
blackberry honey
a bottle of Grand Rouge
complimentary bubbly in fluted glasses
halved peaches piping hot off the grill with a scoop of vanilla ice cream
the scent of mountain laurel blooming
soft skin
light earrings
bluebonnets on the side of the road
temporary tattoos
a field of dandelions
sitting on the roof
flair on the fourth fingernail
a long massage
kayaking
a son of a peach gordough-nut
converging
a tube with a headrest
floating down the rapids
relaxing at a green park
seeing a sea of light at a nightclub
being lost in the music
a spray of mist in the middle of the dance floor
a midnight walk
laying in the grass to stargaze
lying poolside in the early morning
getting out of an escape room
a field of fireflies at dusk
buttered toast with honey
avocado toast with egg on top
watching a full moon rise
sparks flying from the campfire
the smell of wood smoke from a campfire
white chocolate and blueberry jam s'mores
a perfectly toasted marshmallow
swaying in a hammock
sitting at the water edge
leading a werewolf night
a korean spa with jacuzzis and saunas
a gift or souvenir (maple leaf earrings, sakura matcha kit kats)
an orca breaching
sunset over the ocean
clouds that lie so low
ice capped mountains
spotting animals in the wild
family vacation
figs on a tree in my backyard
reading on a rooftop
riding a jetski
shooting roman candles onto water
watching fireworks on a rooftop

sharing appetizers and cocktails 

eating dinner with j/p

trying on ridiculously formal dresses for fun

playing in a river

reaching the top of rock climbing walls

skinny cow bars

making it home alive

breakfast in bed
a new recipe of leftover ingredients that is perfect
red wine plums
learning a new instrument
lighting a match on the first try
mint coconut lotion
secret red hair in the sun
a new friend
beach entry in a pool
getting drunk off wine tastings
beautifully plated charcuterie boards
sand bar
a lake house
riding behind someone on a jetski
a picnic basket
balloons in the sky
ranting until it all comes out
a lotus pond
hidden picturesque areas
midnight on the patio
air conditioning
beer festival
botanical gardens
pink and gold sunglasses
a new swimsuit
being on the verge of drunk
blood orange hard cider
sitting on blankets in the park at midnight
a hummingbird drinking from my flowers
sun reflecting green through grass
pumpkin painting
the world through pink sunglasses
when the weather gets cooler
a ballet
playing piano at midnight
driving with the windows down
picking flowers for a bouquet
tchaikovsky's concerto for violin
dancing at a club
lying on the grass with a breeze under the sun
costume party
surprise parties
excessive food at potlucks
painting mugs
overcooked
binge watching shows
sleeping by the fireplace
a pile of soft pillows and blankets
when the log finally catches on fire
beer gardens
personal hammocks
hefeweizen beer in a mason jar
indie art gallery exhibits
kicking my feet up while swinging
wandering through Rice
Hermann Park
lying on the 180
hot chocolate taste tests
when the pH strip turns a beautiful yellow-green
a hot bath that covers the entire body
a citrus salt shot on a rooftop bar
sunbathing on the roof
guitar in front of the fire
dancing in front of a fire
a family vacation
intimate live music, whistles over a guitar
sitting on the top of a mountain
cirque du soleil
pineapple at a brazillian steakhouse
new year's eve at a literary bar
harry potter world
sunset on a mountain
the perfect matcha ice cream
omakase
fondue parties
escape rooms
improv shows
conveyor belt sushi
happy hour with the girls
pinatas with candies and earrings
walking tacos
main event bowling and arcade
dave and buster ping pong light game
beer on the roof
chocolate martini with a samoa as garnish
sushi at yellowfish
galentine's
purple tulips
a squirrel flicking its tail back and forth
wine red nails with rose gold flair
a chinese restaurant that tastes like plano
lunar new year dumpling party
the smell of steam from a long hot shower
soft bushes
a run outside
a bird building a nest near me
an edm concert
wearing concert attire
sushi night
kbbq at a pool party
a pizza floatie
the smell of sunscreen and chlorine on my skin
pork belly, rice, and daikon kimchi
campfire chilidogs
molasses cookies
guitar chords over the campfire
learning a secret
bourbon with cocoa and vanilla bean
lying on a tarp on a mountain top
singing songs on a horse pen

croissantwiches on a mountain

red flowering cacti

sleeping in a hammock
a free concert
panic at the disco live
maroon 5 live
dancing in the middle of the crowd
hot pot night
a farewell gift of succulents
blooming lotus
a string of chinese lanterns under full moon
a field of pink flowers
open air onsens
dhc lotion and milk
choosing a fresh fish
night markets

---

days to remember
or
proof that a day can be perfect

s/p IM
Hakkasan
If Table
Victoria, Orca Spirit
Saturday Winery
Overcooked and Stranger Things
BCM Interview
Travel in December
Camping Before Easter and Music Festivals

---

things that i want to do
or
why i need live another day to do these things

own a piano to learn rachmaninoff, chopin, the theme songs to movies
improvise on piano
fingerstyle on the guitar (dreams, thinking out loud)
scrapbooks for Cancun and future trips
read my giant to-be-read list
write a book
write poetry
pick fruit in season
travel to Europe
lounge on the beach for a day with a book
painting in watercolor
a wall decor project
learn to crochet
put together my favorite recipes in a book
a spontaneous trip
learn a new language
travel and use the new language
swing dance || salsa
run a half marathon
to plant a garden and herbs
rock climb

procreate tutorials

a full yoga sequence

learn contemporary dance
appreciate my parents (full course meal?)
eat at a Michelin star restaurant
host wine nights qmonthly
make croquettes
buy a live christmas tree
own my place for 5+ years
make a book nook

have a self indulgent photo shoot

swim with dolphins

go to Harry Potter world

scuba dive 

listen to a large conch shell

make my own wind chime

sculpt from wood || wood working
candle making
dye my hair
get a tattoo
indulge in a full spa day with a massage
host a movie marathon for harry potter
sky dive
record a song
paint an entire wall
learn to bartend
host a full murder mystery
cook all different cuisines

Question

Is there intrinsic value in telling someone vulnerable things about yourself?

Psych

The thing about psych rounds is that it just feels like mean gossip. 

"Oh, this person is minimizing their troubles." (no, really! Someone doesn't want to spill their embarrassing moments in front of a crowd). 

"Oh I don't trust that patient's story - something doesn't add up."

"There's definitely a personality disorder in there somewhere."

"That person is definitely drinking and getting plastered way more than just one six pack for that to happen."

Dude. It just feels like mean gossip about people. And it makes me super uncomfortable.

Psych is definitely not my people 

Sigh.

Minor and major complaints. 

My throat hurts. The resident is condescending. I'm bored to tears. My bangs are too long. I ought to study. I don't want to eat healthy things. I am not sure about future plans. Indecision. 

Glucose control

Patient comes in for routine ultrasound at 35 weeks pregnant. No fetal heart tones.

Diagnosis: IUFD. Intrauterine fetal death. 

Classic case, the attending says. Poor diabetic control. Uncontrolled sugars are most likely the reason the baby died. 

The attending tells me: What can you do? You want to go and say - oh it's not your fault, these things happen. But it wouldn't be truthful. But how helpful is it to say all of that at this time? There's a balance. 

So much respect for this attending. 

And so sad for this baby that was carried for 8 months.