Your heart is a strange little orange to peel.
How.... weird.
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Church
Bullet points:
- This church is very focused on outward reaching. I appreciate it.
- Speaking truth is. I don't know how brave it is. It is simply acknowledging what is.
- Am I too critical? Do I see too much fault? Do I have the plank in my eye?
It's the stupid gray areas: is it okay to drink before 21, is it okay to drink until drunk, is it okay to cuss, is it okay to have road rage, is it okay to laugh at crude humor, is it okay to make jokes at someone else's expense.
- This is (not meant in a mean way) a feel-good group. The hard questions are rather glossed over. Why? Because we aren't close enough as a group. Because we don't trust each other enough. Because we are afraid of talking about sins. Because we don't want to change. Take your pick of answers.
- This church is very focused on outward reaching. I appreciate it.
- Speaking truth is. I don't know how brave it is. It is simply acknowledging what is.
- Am I too critical? Do I see too much fault? Do I have the plank in my eye?
It's the stupid gray areas: is it okay to drink before 21, is it okay to drink until drunk, is it okay to cuss, is it okay to have road rage, is it okay to laugh at crude humor, is it okay to make jokes at someone else's expense.
- This is (not meant in a mean way) a feel-good group. The hard questions are rather glossed over. Why? Because we aren't close enough as a group. Because we don't trust each other enough. Because we are afraid of talking about sins. Because we don't want to change. Take your pick of answers.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Extra thoughts
1. Sleepover
- girls night. felt almost like college all over again.
- random costco run just for macaroons. ridiculous. kinda fun.
- did a craft. i think it turned out well. i miss acrylics. i really, really, really want my acrylic box that's in dallas. i want my brushes. i want all of the art things back at home. (and on that note, i would really like a sewing box, and a scrapbook box, and a crochet box. i also want a glass cutter kit, a tool kit, a few power tools, and a sewing machine. lol. i mean, while i'm still dreaming, i would also like a full size keyboard with a pedal.)
- life stories. i am..... blown away by how different everyone's life is. and the struggles that people have. i think i have fairly mundane life.
- it is an extremely comfortable environment, to be honest. i barely know half these people, and i already know what this kind of vibe is like. i know how the conversations sorta oughta go. i know the progression of the night, i know the type of things we talk about, i know the songs, i know the words. it's like walking on well-worn trails of the past. haven't i already done this at least 4 times? once every single year for ccf, a girl sleep over with questions and sharing and food.
2. Faith
Everything of the sleepover felt familiar.
Except this: faith here is so much stronger because everyone here fights against time to make it to these things. because faith after college is a chosen thing, is a self-motivated thing.
and I feel so in between.
I am spending too much time waffling on important questions and things.
3. game night
- gah. i can't believe this happened the same freaking day. not enough emotional energy. i didn't expect it to go through, but it ended up being at my place, so of course i'll host.
- it was actually good. a small group. a few more life stories. a few games. i dunno. a getting to know you part.
5. decisions
- to choose the path of the straight and narrow requires a steadfast heart
6. picnic
- lovely pavilion. adorable dogs. the most beautiful wicker basket. delicious brie, cranberry chipotle sauce, turkey, apple slices sandwich. salami. brownie brittles. macaroons. chips and salsa. cake and cookies. potato salad. fruit salad. just ugh. so full. so good.
- quietness. the problem of big groups that don't know each other well. the art of socializing......
- girls night. felt almost like college all over again.
- random costco run just for macaroons. ridiculous. kinda fun.
- did a craft. i think it turned out well. i miss acrylics. i really, really, really want my acrylic box that's in dallas. i want my brushes. i want all of the art things back at home. (and on that note, i would really like a sewing box, and a scrapbook box, and a crochet box. i also want a glass cutter kit, a tool kit, a few power tools, and a sewing machine. lol. i mean, while i'm still dreaming, i would also like a full size keyboard with a pedal.)
- life stories. i am..... blown away by how different everyone's life is. and the struggles that people have. i think i have fairly mundane life.
- it is an extremely comfortable environment, to be honest. i barely know half these people, and i already know what this kind of vibe is like. i know how the conversations sorta oughta go. i know the progression of the night, i know the type of things we talk about, i know the songs, i know the words. it's like walking on well-worn trails of the past. haven't i already done this at least 4 times? once every single year for ccf, a girl sleep over with questions and sharing and food.
2. Faith
Everything of the sleepover felt familiar.
Except this: faith here is so much stronger because everyone here fights against time to make it to these things. because faith after college is a chosen thing, is a self-motivated thing.
and I feel so in between.
I am spending too much time waffling on important questions and things.
3. game night
- gah. i can't believe this happened the same freaking day. not enough emotional energy. i didn't expect it to go through, but it ended up being at my place, so of course i'll host.
- it was actually good. a small group. a few more life stories. a few games. i dunno. a getting to know you part.
5. decisions
- to choose the path of the straight and narrow requires a steadfast heart
6. picnic
- lovely pavilion. adorable dogs. the most beautiful wicker basket. delicious brie, cranberry chipotle sauce, turkey, apple slices sandwich. salami. brownie brittles. macaroons. chips and salsa. cake and cookies. potato salad. fruit salad. just ugh. so full. so good.
- quietness. the problem of big groups that don't know each other well. the art of socializing......
Saturday, October 1, 2016
midnight thoughts
it's been a long four weeks. and i've had too many thoughts but not enough to process all of it. there is something about taking the time to write down everything i'm thinking.
-and sometimes i wonder if i'm a little on the autism spectrum when i'm trying to reconcile every moment and every emotion and every interaction that i have with people. but that's neither here nor there.-
too many thoughts about fear, chiefs, sicu, rounding, interns and attendings, procedures, the art of feeling useful, music, emotional intimacy, lack of time, feeling "in between", working too much to think, a faith that lasts beyond mere emotion, decisions, inevitability, silver linings, concerns, harmonies, chicken and beer, wine and beer, sand volleyball, long car rides, openness, the strange sensation of walking similar steps as in the past, tears and fears, old relationships, depression, anxiety, new touches, keeping in touch, numb cheeks.
you know. the whole spectrum of emotions.
i am not who i was four years ago.
i feel that so acutely now.
there is so much that changes.
people are transient. people change.
i have changed more than i ever would have expected.
how mutable.
-and sometimes i wonder if i'm a little on the autism spectrum when i'm trying to reconcile every moment and every emotion and every interaction that i have with people. but that's neither here nor there.-
too many thoughts about fear, chiefs, sicu, rounding, interns and attendings, procedures, the art of feeling useful, music, emotional intimacy, lack of time, feeling "in between", working too much to think, a faith that lasts beyond mere emotion, decisions, inevitability, silver linings, concerns, harmonies, chicken and beer, wine and beer, sand volleyball, long car rides, openness, the strange sensation of walking similar steps as in the past, tears and fears, old relationships, depression, anxiety, new touches, keeping in touch, numb cheeks.
you know. the whole spectrum of emotions.
i am not who i was four years ago.
i feel that so acutely now.
there is so much that changes.
people are transient. people change.
i have changed more than i ever would have expected.
how mutable.
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