Quick airport post

sittinn at the gate right now, ready to go back to Plano. Going to Dallas will always be “going back home”. But when I leave Dallas to come back to my usual humdrum life of intern year, that is also going back home.

I am so ready to have a break and just not think too much.

I have not even really realized it’s christmas time. I was more focused on having a break. Days blur together and the mess in the apartment accumulates.

Rest for the body. Rest for the mind. Rest for soul.

chance to breathe

i have been doing a poor job with writing as consistently as i wanted to, but overall it is still better than if i hadn't done this challenge. so i will still consider it a mild success at this time.

some things that happened of note this week,

- i am cat sitting for a friend. and i have overall decided that despite that it is quite nice to have something living moving around in my house at night (not cockroaches or insects), i'd probably still choose to not have a pet. maybe it would be different if she were a cuddly kind of kitty, but she's really quite aloof. or maybe it'd be different if she's a dog. hard to say at this point.

- tried to do a central line the other day, did not go as planned - had to call surgery in to help. it's a little annoying and frustrating to feel like you have to ask for help - but overall, patient safety is more important.

- i had a very nice weekend with doing nails and facemasks and felt extremely pampered. it feels quite nice. my face feels extraordinarily plump haha.

- i think the strangest thing of this year is realizing that medicine is not as straightforward as it seems. there are some people that you know are slackers and others that really care for their patients. it's not so much the slackers that i'm talking about as the group that actually put in full forth effort. in this group, there is still differences in what each person deems as "putting in full forth". for some, it's talking for hours to the patients to get a proper history - others, it's delving into the depths of uptodate to read up on treatment options - others still, it's looking at their full medication list. with such limited time, the question always remains of how can we best utilize it to give the best care? nobody wants to miss anything. but you also don't want to stay till midnight every day. it's a tricky line.

- i told steph that i felt myself changing - and i didn't know how.... and i still don't. and i wonder if some of that not knowing is because i don't have as many deep talks with friends anymore

- i was having a discussion with a friend today about knowing someone. and i feel like it boils down to two things: one - the knowing that comes from conversation, of deep talks and knowing how someone thinks and their history and their thoughts about life and politics and love and dreams and aspirations. and the second - a knowing that comes from being around someone physically, their mannerisms and the way they respond to things, the timing and cadence of their words, how quietly they walk or how loudly they sneeze.

i'd argue that the first is more important. probably because i have more friendships based on that alone. what with everyone so spread out these days. but the second... i am learning more with my co residents. that i spend so much time with them, i sometimes feel like i do know them. even without knowing their deep conversation thoughts. and that, too, is interesting.

kindness

i am thankful
for warmth in the apartment.
for friends that text me.
for a family that loves me.
for a job that can help people.
for body that functions.

i am afraid
of not knowing enough
of making decisions that might hurt someone
of my future
of who i feel like i am becoming

i think humans are semi-permeable, and sometimes we passively let in things in our surroundings into our bodies and souls more so than expected. i expected myself to be impenetrable, but i think the world is leaking into me.

what i want is to be
smarter
prettier
more extroverted and charismatic
adventurous
kinder
better

instead i can't really do much but be tired every day after work. i need to do more probably.
i'm too tired to write well. these thoughts will be continued later maybe.

fill your cup

it's been a long week - more so of my own making, but that's generally how things go. I didn't really want to write this blog post because I feel like nothing of note has happened lately. And maybe that should concern me.

It is definitely in my nature to think too much. But I remember back in college when I had more time that I'd be meditating on the nature of God, love, truth, the importance of being not of this world, friendship, what it means to have hope, how to show grace, thinking and thinking about how to be a person closer to the image of Christ. A better person.

These days I'm just too tired to think at all. Or is that an excuse?
Even today - my only day off in this week, bracketed by call days on Saturday and Monday - I don't want to do anything but eat and sleep and indulge in hobbies. And even those hobbies are mindless. I wanted to bake cookies in Christmas shapes, maybe get a Christmas tree and decorate, go to another park, try out something new in the city, go dancing, go volunteer, study up on medicine that i don't know, write up that stupid case report, who knows. Instead I stayed on my couch and drank tea and read easy books.

Time passes by too fast these days. 

They say for languages - if you don't use it, you lose it.
Isn't that the same for being Christ-like?
How can I better demonstrate a love for people?
How selfish can I be?

Work

Super short post because I am post call and got home at nine and I really want to sleep soon.
Well. My upper level is a black cloud. But I think I’m a white cloud.

I’ve been thinking that the reward for good work is more work. If you are efficient and reliable and nice and go beyond what people expect. Well then, people give you more work to do. Or you find out more problems that you normally wouldn’t have even had to hear about. And that’s just so frustrating sometimes because honestly the easiest thing to do would be just to care less and do less.

Case in point. I make it a habit to pm round on my patients. Just to check up on them and see how things are going, talk a little and get to know them, updates, plans, whatever. But really, I feel like all I get back are mainly complaints. Today I spent over 30 minutes talking with family who started complaining about the medical system and how redudant we are. Dude. I didn’t have to come and talk to you. Some residents wouldn’t have. They’d already be gone. I feel like I’m just making more work for myself by trying to be thorough. If I just let it be, I’d only have to deal with this stuff when someone forces me to go down and do it. But. That’s not the right thing to do. But it just sucks so much. It’s like customer service where they literally exist for customers to yell at them to vent anger at the overall company. It’s thankless. And I thought I signed up for the medicine. Not the customer service part. But there’s still the overwhelming part of me that thinks That if I were the patient, I’d want to see the people taking care of me more than once a day. More than 5 minutes. Sigh.

I am a little tired of people.

Restarting

Blogging challenge to remind myself to write a little more. Which is actually strange because I think that I have put writing on the back burner in the past few months; and (subsequently?) have also found myself feeling as if I had unresolved thoughts that have just never been settled and filed properly.

I think I've not been writing as often because I feel as if there's not much to say here. It's just mundane days of residency and trying to survive and live life and think about the future. I foresee this blogging challenge resulting in blogs of very random topics.

----

I think my mentality of relationships is becoming skewed and twisted from going on so many dating app dates. i started going mostly because it was a direct, actionable response for whenever i think, it would be nice to have a significant other. especially in the south, where more than half my co-interns are seriously dating, engaged, married, or married with kids. and i really don't like not trying to fix my problems - because if you don't actively try to do something, then i really don't believe you have any right to complain about it. because obviously you aren't bothered by it enough to change your actions/life. so i go on stranger dates.

and they're all... strangers. it's easy because talking to a stranger is just asking questions. but really what i'm trying to say is that - i think i discard people too easily now. maybe there is something wrong with my brain. unless they are my friend (established and defined), i just feel like i really don't owe them anything. which is fairly callous.

maybe something is wrong with me emotionally. that i can leave people too easily.

different

there are emotions that fill up your lungs
like a gasp of breath after drowning
the loneliness and uncertainty
feeling like a stranger in this strange, strange world
the tiredness and the exhaustion
of reaching upwards and forwards
wondering what is beyond the solidity of today
and if tomorrow really will
be better.

Like Liquid

I've been having a lot of thoughts about money this week. 

Mostly because I've been spending as if I thought money grew on trees. 

I'm a little weirded out by my level of want/need these days. Before I lived with med school roommates, I really did live the minimalist life. That frugal college life that was also impacted by frugal Asian parents that persistently told me to turn off the lights if we left the house to save energy; to keep the temperature high in the summer and low in the winter to keep bills low; to only buy only if you needed it. Did you actually need a toaster? No, you can use your skillet to heat up your bread. Do you need to decorate your room? Nah, you're moving in a year anyway. 

But it's like that transition from stupid flip phones to smart phones. It's really, really, really hard to go back. Almost nigh impossible. I have yet to hear of a person who went back to non-smart phones willingly.

And when you "upgrade" your life, it's really hard to go back. I'm used to a lot of house luxuries that apartments may or may not have. And I really don't want to go without.

And I can't tell if that's because I'm spoiled now or because that's a new normal.

And that's the weird, weird thing that I consistently realize. That everyone's normals are completely different. What was my normal five years ago is not my normal now.

But then again, I am no longer in Texas. So of course nothing is completely normal. 

----

I am not really homesick. 

But more thoughts on that later.

Poetry

Unsettled

Your words are like stones

on the river of my heart,

remembered until the ripples fade

and the edges worn smooth

from the number of times

they turn over in my head.

travel

there are times where so much has happened that it becomes vaguely overwhelming to even think about writing it all down in a post. whether for documentation purposes or general memory or sharing or whatever. there is always something lost. experiences get pared down into simple paragraphs, emotions are left unsaid, conversations are skipped over entirely.

nevertheless, i am glad.
i hadn't been back to taiwan in approximately 12 years.
i had a lot of thoughts going back - who wouldn't?

1. it is a bit of an odd feeling to realize that i am simply playing tourist in a place where i have so many family ties. despite going around with my cousins and talking to all my relatives, despite knowing (mostly) knowing the language, i really am american. i really am asian-american. and that combination is whole different thing entirely.

2. it was so, so strange to be around extended family. in america, my family is my nuclear family. i might see second cousins or whatnot, but their presence in my life is fairly fleeting. but in taiwan, hanging around cousins for days made me wonder what it would be like to have a bigger family.

3. and tying into that thought above, this is the first time i realized how much of a decision my parents made to stay in america. they've been here for more than 30 years. longer time than they lived in taiwan. but talking to my uncle, he made a passing comment about how having my dad, his younger brother, leave to america and not return was like losing a right arm (mostly with regards to the family company). and in light of me leaving out of state, my parents have made a much larger move than i ever, ever will. but also. it's one of those perspective moments where i think it must have been very, very hard for them when they first came.

4. taiwan was hot and humid. and it had the most delicious mangoes. i ate mangoes every moment i could. and here's the thing. the food is still like homestyle to me. even though i wrote that i was playing tourist and i don't really belong in taiwan (i don't), the food is comfort food. even going to places like din tai fong or rou xao, all this food is familiar. as if i could belong here if i wanted to. and while my chinese is not great, even in the two weeks, i sometimes had the inkling that maybe i could make it here if i wanted. and of course my uncle continually told my brother and i that we would always have a place to live if we wanted to stay and learn taiwan. it's just one of those things that makes you wonder how much more different your life would be if one thing changed.

5. but then.... there's some family drama around my dad's side of the family company. but as the "american family", we have exactly zero interest in it and completely don't care. so maybe it's better to not have those specific family problems.

6. it was weird how i could see such similarities through my family. the way my dad and uncle are so similarly stubborn about arguments, the ways eyes are shaped. the physical and the non-physical. i hadn't had a chance to realize the ways families can be similar.

7. traveling through taiwan with my cousins was beautiful and lovely and wonderful. we climbed mountains, ate so much food, went bicycling next to the shore, roamed through night markets, went up to taipei 101, drank so much tea, ate desserts, took a ferry, watched the sunset with a huge shaved ice the size of my head. we went to tai chong with my mom's side uncle and walked more mountains, ate the most delicious dessert, had a taste test o the dessert, made the jellies, walked a shore, saw crabs, went to the Sun Moon Lake, watched the sun turn the world into a beautiful painting, shopped. these are the days that i want to remember.

8. japan was..... shrug. i need to go back to experience it differently.

9. i sometimes think that i have not experienced enough. i have not gone to enough countries. i have not traveled enough. i have not seen enough.

9.5 and interlude thought: sometimes i wonder if it's fomo. when i see other people traveling, i feel like i am missing out on life experiences. and then i wonder if i am stagnant as a person if i have not pushed myself to explore and try new things. but then talking to a friend who has the most beautiful instagram photos, she laughing told me how her utterly professionally looking beautiful cake (made of dragonfruit powder for a purple-jellied top over a mango mousse) tasted horrible - but the picture was incredible. so the obvious answer is that photos are hardly representative of true life. and fomo is just made up in your head.

9.7 but i just don't know if i believe it because i do think there is value in experience new things. whether the cake tastes like crap or not, she still made it. whether the trip to ireland or new zealand or thailand or peru was crap, you still went.

10. i am glad to be home. but even coming home is only a temporary transition before my next move.

Leaving

I have not written anything of substance down for so long. It's because there are too many thoughts in my head, too many questions, too many confusing and half-formed sentences that would never make sense if it were written down.

I am leaving this city and it hasn't exactly hit me yet. I've wanted to leave for so long, and now I have moments where I can't imagine leaving. Time is passing by too quickly. I have such a short time left with these people. How does one ever get used to saying goodbye?

Or maybe I'm just scared of the future. It's not so much that I want to stay as much as I am clinging to the past and the known. Venturing out into unknown territory.

But it doesn't really matter. It will hit me after I leave, and when it happens it will be too late but to get on with life.

Poetry to share

"How I Go to the Woods"

Ordinarily, I go to the woods alone, with not a single
friend, for they are all smilers and talkers and therefore
unsuitable.

I don’t really want to be witnessed talking to the catbirds
or hugging the old black oak tree. I have my way of
praying, as you no doubt have yours.

Besides, when I am alone I can become invisible. I can sit
on the top of a dune as motionless as an uprise of weeds,
until the foxes run by unconcerned. I can hear the almost
unhearable sound of the roses singing.

If you have ever gone to the woods with me, I must love
you very much.

- Mary Oliver