Happiness

if i reflect on what is happiness,
what do i imagine.

the happiest day of my life, which one would i choose?
the happiest moment, what would that be?

emotions are so unreliable.

we cannot go chasing after emotions for an every lasting high.

there will never be a moment so happy that i can bask in that forever.
... can there be?

but does that mean i shouldn't be looking for happiness?

i want to be loved by more than God.

YES. isn't that blasphemy. To say that God is not enough for me. Why can't I have more?

Am I made of too much of this world now?

How is God enough to sustain
when i want to love and be loved and be respected and all these ridiculous emotions.

The world isn't fair. I already knew that.
But I still linger on that barest brush of hope - that there still might be happiness in store for me too.

God doesn't promise happiness. You know he doesn't. He promises to be the wind underneath your wings, to clothe you like the lilies of the valley, to know your name, to know how many hairs you have on your head, and that he is there. That he listens. And that if you drink of him, he will not leave you thirsty. That there will be a heaven, a place for you if you believe. He will be your daily bread. He will King of Kings and the alpha and the omega.

But God. Does. Not. Promise. Happiness.

and i am so tired of being unhappy.

Oh but Karen, what would make you happy. Happiness is not lasting. If you find a boy, if you have a great job, if you travel the world, if you have all these - even then, how do you know you will be happy?

I don't know.
I don't know.

But I still want it.
Is that okay?

God. How can you be enough for me when I want so much?