uncertainty

it really is funny how life is truly about the journey. and before anyone gets on me for saying cliche things, well sometimes there is always some kind of truth in these things. achieving something is only as worthwhile as a stepping stone. once you have accomplished your set goal, you find yourself looking around and wondering what is next. whether it is a relationship, or marriage, or finishing board exams, or residency, or buying a house, a fitness goal, or whatever - the importance is not the achievement of these things - but rather the maintenance of these good things in your life - and about setting the next goal. 

i used to think to myself, oh i could deal with everything else wrong in my life as long as i made it through med school and residency and passed my boards and found a job. or that life would be complete with a romantic relationship. or the millennial dream of buying a house. and i guess, in hopefully a relatively matter of fact voice, i have achieved those set goals. 

and yet i am still not satisfied. this is privilege speaking, of course. a person without the necessities would probably shake me. but don't get me wrong, i am sincerely grateful and appropriately understanding of my life.

but ultimately it isn't enough to achieve those things - it must be continually worked upon and maintained and used for it to be any good. what good is getting married and not pouring into it to make sure it is a good marriage? 

i think what i'm trying to say is two points.

first, i think that humans (i) will never be satisfied by anything in this world. achievement is transient and fleeting, i will always be looking for the next thing. only God can satisfy, right?

two, good things in life are not just a point in time. a wedding day is lovely, but it is not what is important in my relationship. passing boards is vice grippingly relieving, but being a continual learner and a good physician is more important. buying a house is nice, but the maintenance while i live in it is more important than the day i got keys to the house.  

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i struggle a lot with uncertainty and probably even more with failure. but failure is a therapy session in and of itself, haha. probably some asian culture issues with face concept mixed with being a high achieving but low effort personality, surrounded in a culture and friends that are also high achieving. i worry a lot about applying for fellowship again. sometimes it feels like a lose-lose even though i always verbally word it as a win-win when i talk to people. i joke, well either i get the fellowship or i make money! how can i lose? but not getting in would feel like a failure. sigh. 

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technically it is my birthday today. i actually forgot while writing the previous parts of this post, even though i got cake and gifts from steph and stephen. idk this probably should have been a happier post on looking back of last year (which actually is chock full of positive life milestones: passing boards, finishing residency and chief year, getting a job, buying a house, getting a dog, getting married, able to hold a headstand haha). i'm just in a pensive/depressive mood i suppose. i did have a wonderful year as a thirty year old woman. i am looking forward to see what thirty one brings. maybe just maintenance of all the good things that happened this year. maybe a fellowship. who knows?